ericklirios

Hi.

That’s quite a predicament you have. The first thing you should do is to look for help with people who can really help you. People who will listen is a good start but people who can give you the concrete help that you need is more necessary.

I know that you’re so afraid to talk about this to older people (I just turned 40 ten days ago) but you really need to. Try to go to your church or find a convent of nuns. Nuns normally get a bad rap but they really are very, very warm people who got into religious life because they love the Lord and all those that He loves. There are a lot of religious orders who will even take you in and allow you to live with them when no one else will. They will do this even if you aren’t at all Catholic.

Another option is for you to approach a guidance counselor at your school. Believe it or not, yours is not the first case like this and they will have some options for you.

Is abortion an option? Definitely not. You should know by now that your mother was a bit unfair to have turned you away. You really are still her little baby and she’s just as lost and mad about this as you are and she just doesn’t know what to do. Do pray for her.

Whatever the case may be, try to be a better mom than your mom has been to you at this point. Please do not reject your baby. That little one is a gift to you, regardless of whether the child will complicate things for you now. Embrace that baby in your heart and try to find good help that will love you and your baby at the same time.

Please do not commit the mistake of abortion. It will ruin you in more things than I can say.

Do not panic at this point. Try to find relatives who may be able to understand you also. Those of us who are here cannot really come to your aid physically and that’s what you really need right now.

You said you were in week twelve already and that means you really should see a doctor to determine what kind of medical care both you and your baby need.

If you should need more input, you can freely talk to me here

I am going to Mass today, tomorrow and on Sunday. I will be praying for you in each of those Masses and I will be offering a rosary for you also.

Hang in there. We’re here for you. The Lord is, too.

Erick

Hi.

I know that you said that people who think you should keep the baby shouldn’t reply but hear me out.

Yes, I do want you to keep the baby and here’s why: There have been people who have had less to give their baby, nothing else but their grit and determination that they will do their darnest best to give their babies the best life they themselves can give.

You seem to have a deep faith and with regard to that, once in a while, I’m not saying you did this, we do tend to put words in God’s mouth and He, being the good Father that He is, allows us this and supports us regardless.

But your tears tell me something else. I have learned and was taught in college theology classes that God does speak to us also by means of our emotions. Thus, the pain and tears you may be going through now may very well be God’s way of telling you what you should do. Good decisions are normally made with a lightness of heart. Though difficult, the peace is there.

You said you eventually felt a connection to your child. That didn’t happen by chance. God put it there and He did so with a real reason.

I asked you to hear me out and here’s why: Be not afraid. Come to Christ and, regardless of the difficulty, He will stay with you and carry you and your baby.

God promises to take care of us more than we ourselves realize that we need to be helped. He knows how to help us and He will. I’m older than you are and a good part of that age has allowed me to see how God does take His children in His arms to take control and take of them regardless of their fear.

Please, do not be afraid.

God bless you.

Erick

Hi, Marissa.

If you’re scared it indicates that you may not be really ready for it in the first place. You expressed fear that’s physical in nature but there are other fears to deal with. Please look at a good many posts on this site to see what sex did to the women here.

You think you’re out of the loop being 18 and being a virgin? Celebrate that! You’ve been stronger than many people and that’s something to be proud of. Too many people just succumb to the temptation and don’t think twice about it.

Stay a virgin and stay clear away from the problems that come with having sex now. Trust me, the problems of sex outside marriage is not purely connected to age. People even in their twenties and even their thirties have problem with sex if they do it outside of marriage. Heck, even people in marriage have problems with it.

Please ask yourself why you wanna have sex. Yes, it feels really good but so do many other things that lead to trouble. Do you want it to experience it? Do you wanna do it to keep your boyfriend?

Once you experience it, there’s no turning back. There was an old Pringle’s ad which went, "Once you pop, you can’t stop." Sex is like that.

What about keeping your boyfriend? It has been found that women who use sex to keep their boyfriends end up losing them more.

If your boyfriend respects you enough to wait, then he may really be worth your time but if he wants sex more than he wants to protect you, then that may be a bad sign.

Marissa, keep away from sex. It is the door to so many problems especially when sex is seen as just part of being a teenager and not part of marriage and being a parent.

No matter how careful you are, no artificial contraceptive method is full proof and if these do keep you from being pregnant, there are other results affecting your emotional and psychological make-up.

Keep away from sex. Continue to be afraid and realize that you were given that fear by the Lord for a very good reason.

Take care.

Erick

Hi.

As I said in my replies to your post about your abortion, I am praying for you. Up to now.

I can’t say I understand what you’re going through but I do have a very good idea. I was afraid it would end like this but it has. Please forgive me but I am incensed at how your mother laughed at you and how she seemed completely not to care about how you felt about your child.

The only way this is going to "end" for you is if you grow from this. Keep away from sex because good relationships are built on communication and real care. Sex needn’t be part of it. If you do get sexually involved again and get pregnant again, stand your ground. I wish those of us here on Stand Up Girl could’ve been with you that day so that we could lend you some strength.

Please ask for forgiveness especially depending on the faith you practice. Yes, you do not deserve any forgiveness for this act but none of us really do deserve God’s forgiveness, mercy and Love. He gives it to us freely and without any consideration of whether we deserve it.

Let God’s love guide you. He is personally taking care of your baby boy now. That sinless child is certainly with the Lord praying for you that you may forgive yourself and that you may truly forgive yourself and act positively to prevent others from falling into this trap and lie. Abortion is not a way out. It is a certain way of imprisoning oneself. I know you know this now. By constant prayers and facing up to the wrongness of the deed, you can live again.

Please learn from this. Learn and be a better person. Your child deserves to be proud of his mother. Make him. Eventually, realize that it is the sacrifice of your son’s life that should propel you to be a better and truly holy person.

Lastly, learn to forgive your mother. She was brought up in a culture and time that said that babies were nothing but a problem that can be "cured" when you get pregnant. Show her how wrong it was. The only sin that God will not forgive is the sin that has not been asked to be forgiven. She chose to give you life after all these years and she deserves your forgiveness as well. Show her that she has done something wrong as well and that, like you, she should also seek forgiveness.

Who knows? Together, with your boyfriend, you may prevent just one more abortion from happening.

If I may quote the Talmud, "Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire." You failed with your baby. There are others to save now especially that your son is now God’s little soldier.

Take care.

Will continue praying for you.

Erick

Hi.

I’m still praying for you. My main issue here is you. Don’t do this to yourself. You will have to carry so much guilt and depression if you go through the abortion. There will come a time, if you push through with it, when you will keep asking yourself, "I wonder how my baby would be now?" or "How good it would have been if all my children were here with me" or "Maybe this child of mine would feel better if his/her brother/sister were here to take care of him/her."

Please. Don’t let yourself fall into the trap of fear.

Don’t be afraid of a baby.

Be afraid of what turning your back on that baby will do to you.

I will continue to pray for you and I encourage everyone here to do the same.

Erick

Hi.

Birth control really only belongs in the confines of marriage and even there it’s a questionable. Some doctors however, prescribe it for people with hormonal imbalance who end up having very irregular periods.

Please refrain from sex at this point. If you must take these pills, consult a doctor. However, let me reiterate: sex is really best in marriage and though you may not get pregnant, pills can never stop the emotional anguish that comes with feeling used and the feeling that your feeling of emptiness doesn’t seem to want to abate.

Take care.

Erick

Hi.

First things first: you’re not helpless. Let’s get that out of your mind. The sooner you realize you actually have the ability to do something about your situation, the better it is for you.

Next, one of the most underrated skills in this world is communication – regardless of how educated we may be. What I’m saying is that though your folks may be educated, they may not necessarily know just how to deal with your situation. And what is that situation? Their little girl is not so little anymore and it may just really scare them. It’s just the way parents are.

They’ve given you undeniable and unconditional love for almost nineteen years already. You have to understand that that love for you began even before you were born. You were already alive as soon as you were conceived and they valued you since that time.

I’m not even saying that the two years of love you’ve shared with your boyfriend is peanuts compared to that. Far from it. What I am saying is that you have to approach your parents’ position with respect. A lot of it.

But you also deserve respect as their daughter and an adult. You cannot, repeat, cannot, allow yourself to just be angry when they shut you down. Sit them down and ask them to talk to you like the grown-ups that you are. If they’re so vehement about their not wanting you to get hitched to this guy, they must have some reason. You have to totally stress to them that for you to even try and follow that, you have to know why they’re acting up so much. It seems so melodramatic of them to say stuff like, “think that I’m dead” without reason. With all due respect to them, they need to tell you what’s up before you can even decide to follow what they say or not to.

I’ve been in a few disagreements with my own parents and there are times when you have to stand your ground. You are considered an adult by the state after all. They should do the same. Heck, even the government has to tell everyone why a law must be followed.

At the end of it though, please don’t get hitched just yet. If what you’re after is a career, getting hitched will not really help that. It really won’t. Concentrate on that career, focus on actualizing yourself and at a more mature age, consider getting married. Who knows? Maybe after some time, your parents may see why you love your boyfriend so much or, conversely, you may see the reason why your parents could be right about this whole thing. You’re 18. No need to rush career or marriage.

Oh, and one last thing: please don’t fall into the trap of thinking that’s you’re in an either-or situation. You don’t have to choose your parents over your boyfriend of the other way around. It can be a win-win situation if you play your cards right and that begins with respecting your parents, trying to put yourself in their shoes, deciphering what they’re not telling you, being honest with your own boyfriend about the whole situation, etc.

It would not be to your best interest to isolate your parents now or at any other time. You may think that you don’t need them anymore but that’s not an issue. If you decide to turn your back on them just because they seem unreasonable now, you do two things: You leave a big, gaping hole in your heart where your love for them is, and you start a cycle that will most likely end up the same way when you get your own kids. Most of us think that we won’t do the lousy stuff our parents did to us but, especially if you ask those who are already parents, we do end up being almost just like our parents almost always.

Remember, the reason why you’re feeling what you are feeling is because you love three people so much. It is that love for all of them that will get you through this. Let that love move all of you into communicating and, hopefully, understanding.

Invite your boyfriend to your home more. Train your mom and dad to having him in your lives. See how they react and see how he reacts. It’s a good test of just how this guy loves you to let him interact with other people you value so much and love.

Take care, honey.

Erick

Hi.

Yes, the situation will be difficult but not in the way you actually fear it will be. If your mother is truly a God-fearing person, she will not like the idea of your having been sleeping with your boyfriend behind her back. For one, it would hurt her that 1) you did it in the first place and 2) you hid it from her. Parents like to think that they’re their kids’ best friends and their last, best confidant. It would hurt because there is this very important thing that you’ve hidden from her. What’s more is that you didn’t tell her immediately because you were scared of her. What happened to ‘You can tell me anything?", she’ll probably ask herself. My dad actually cried when I was finally able to tell him that I got someone pregnant. (I was too chicken to tell him personally so I wrote him a letter.)

What he asked me was, "Why are you bearing this alone?" He eventually wiped his tears and told me, "We’ll figure this out together."

Honey, your mom and dad will be upset but eventually, they will be because finally, this is something where their help can only be so much. They can’t spare you the pain of carrying the baby, giving birth, dealing with a life with a partner, dealing with raising a baby, etc. They will be there eventually but they will be somewhat scared for you.

What’s the best thing to do? Tell them now. Let it be awkward if needs to be but you have to do it now. Don’t wait. They would want to help you and you really need their experience and their wisdom. At this point, you have to be humble enough that though you are looking forward to your pregnancy, you do need their help.

If your mom is as God-fearing as you think she is, she will sooner or later welcome a definite gift from God and will take care of that gift to your whole family.

God bless you. Pray a lot and then pray together with your folks.

Erick

hey there!

Just look at the name of this site: Stand Up Girl. Stand your ground, honey. Don’t be too scared. There are certain limitations about being in a small town but one of the good things is that people do help each other when it is needed. The baby’s father cannot take your baby from you. Wipe the teaers from your eyes and start looking for the right help. Talk to the police, talk to people i your church, even your school. You have to fight for your life and your baby’s.

Please feel free to email me or go to my space any time if you need to talk m– especially with a guy.

Don’t be scared. You will be fine.

Erick

Hi.

The best thing to do now is to get that DNA test as long as they’re paying for it. If they don’t wanna pay for it, then they should at least meet you halfway and pay for half. I know you feel insulted but let it be for now. Get the test because that actually gives you some legal leverage. If the baby is proven to be his, and you it is, the mother has no choice but to shut up. He, on the other hand, will be put on the spot to be more responsible.

I’m really sorry but this, and other things like these are just what goes with early pregnancy especially that which happens out of marriage. Since you said you wanted to have the baby, start fighting for your child. Right now, you already have to be strong enough.

Be strong and pray a lot.

Erick

Hey there!

Honestly, this is one of the reasons why you sensed that I was feeling a bit sorry for some teenage moms as you pointed out in one of your posts.

All you can really do now is wait and wait. Raise your son and concentrate on becoming the best person and mother you can be and do everything in your power to make sure that your son becomes a true man who will respect women and love them for who they really are.

Yes, he does need a father but that’s no reason to force the issue or feel bad that guys are turning away from you. You deserve a good man and if these guys now are turning away from you, they’re actually doing you a favor. It would’ve been really evil for them to pretend to want to be with you and use you and your body for their sexual needs but have no real intention of staying with you. See? It’s actually a good thing.

Some guys actually look at a girl who has a son and think, "Hey, I can get free sex from her! She’s done it already and she wants someone and I can easily take her." Those guys who turned their backs so far at least didn’t do that. If they can’t accept who you are as a girlfriend and have gone their way, it’s just being honest.

Wait it out, honey. God is really preparing the right guy for you. Pray a lot that you find him and that you be both prepared for each other.

My wife and I got married only after our son was already five years old and she was on the way with another of our sons. It took that long for me to bite the bullet and we’re still working at our marriage.

You have such a long way to go. Pray hard. Love your son and REALLy love yourself.

The Lord is holding you in the palm of His hand. He will not let you fall. Only you can do that if you rush into things again.

Take care, honey.

Erick

I suggest you take the test as soon as it is practical and reliable. If you tell him now he may just think you’re desperate to get him back and are using any means possible to do that. Wait until you are sure and then tell him. If you’re not, and hopefully you’re worrying over nothing, then just walk away. If you are pregnant, talk to him as calmly as possible and let him know that he needs to be responsible for his actions.

Take note that his being responsible for his actions doesn’t mean that he should get back to you. If you two decide that, well then good but he should at least help out with the pregnancy. Forget abortion. You’ll be carrying his baby for nine months and regardless of his age, he should contribute something to raising the child even if it is only money.

Let’s not get into specifics as of the moment. Settle the question first of whether you are pregnant or not and let’s work from there.

Good luck, honey.

Erick

Hi, Kat.

I get your point and I’m sorry you have felt judged so many times but you also need to understand where everyone of those who say that are coming from.

For every teen mom who eventually raises great kids and becomes a doctor or a lawyer, there are teen moms who end up on welfare and don’t even finish school and end up being a burden on both society and their families.

Yes, motherhood is difficult whatever the age but a woman who has a job and takes motherhood seriously probably has a better chance of putting her kid through school as compared to a teenager who still has to go to school herself. Also, a person who gets pregnant after having finished school and is in fact working at a career and is hopefully married can provide a more stable home environment for a child. It’s a wonder though why some idiots who have jobs and are married still can’t manage that but that’s another story.

I guess the main issue here is that motherhood is not just a matter of being there and cuddling your kids, making formula and changing diapers. It really includes buying formula, buying diapers, making sure there’s money for school stuff, exposing the child to stuff that will make him/her a better person, etc. Yes, all that costs money and a person with a job has more control over money. We’re not all heirs to the Hilton fortune so we can’t all mess up and still be a celebrity like Paris.

It’s not even all about money, either. A person who takes life seriously doesn’t play around too much. All of us when we’re young focus on ourselves because that’s exactly what we’re supposed to be doing. That’s when we discover ourselves. When we’re secure with that, then that’s when we are more capable of letting another person into our lives.

Too many of us think that having kids is great and it is especially when they’re all cute and cuddly. It’s different when we get our own teenagers (that’s history’s way of getting back at us) and they think that they always know what’s best for them and that their parents know jack shit about what it is about being teenagers.

I guess the long and short of this is, yes, parenthood is really tough so why make it tougher on yourself by being parents so early when what you’re supposed to be doing is discovering yourself and having fun?

I don’t want to belittle the women here who have been good parents and have worked their asses off trying to be the best parents they can be and they try and help others to do the same. There’s Meg, Kandi and Nikki to name a few who have been truly remarkable here but I think they will agree with me when I say that kids and teens shouldn’t try to be parents so early. It’s hard enough as it is and it’s scary to hear people around 15 years old saying "they can do the baby thing". Let’s just all imagine what it would be like to be just 30 years old (I’m 37) and getting ready to be a grandparent because your 15-year old son/daughter is about to become a parent like you were when you were 15. Is that what we want for them?

Lastly, because I am a guy anyway, I suppose those of us here who know guys in their early twenties but have been parents already notice something: more often than not, these guys (not men) would much rather play basketball or drink with their buddies rather than take care of their kids. Yes, there are exceptions but would any of the girls here want to risk finding out if their guy is father material at the age of 17 or thereabouts?

There are simply too many sad stories of teenage pregnancies out there that it’s hard for those who are making an honest go at it to survive. You have no choice then but to finish school, get a good job, raise that child of yours and provide a wholesome family environment hopefully including a husband . There’s no other way of shutting up society about you than that. On the bright side, once you start working and you have a career, people will notice your work and your having been a teenage mom will just be one of the details of your life story.

Take care.

Erick