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Hi.
Based on what you wrote about your ex, there isn’t much that can be deciphered. Some generalizations perhaps but to be fair to the guy, such generalizations or conclusions should not be made.
However, since you do seem concerned, especially since the guy did father your child and also since your child will eventually ask about his father, there are some things we can reasonably deduce.
Honestly, I think he’s a bit guilty and totally lost. He stuck out on a limb just by being your boyfriend with this whole Montague-Capulet situation your families supposedly have. There are just some people who cannot handle the repercussions of their actions and this SEEMS to be such a case. Guilt also seems to be part of all this as seeing you is causing him pain. Truth hurts and seeing you forces him to come face to face with 1) having gone against his family, 2) fathering a child out of wedlock, 3) forcing abortion on you and not winning, 4) having to go to his mom for help about the abortion and still not winning, 5) having left you in a flat that he spent for, 6) knowing that people in school that he was a bit of a jerk (okay, maybe a big bit) and 7) maybe the kids in your school are getting on his case for not having the guts to do this or that. It’s possibly a whole lot of things and really, somewhere along the way, the two of you have to talk.
You can initiate it if you want or you can opt to just figure all the days of your life that he’s a jerk. Some people do that a lot but then again, maybe you can’t do that just for the sake of your son. Don’t be fooled when people tell you that you can forget about him and that you can raise your child alone. Yes, you can raise him alone but you owe it to your son to give him the truth about his father and sadly, for the sake of your son also, you have to make sure that your son’s meeting his father will be as painless for him as possible — regardless of how you feel about the dad.
Why do guys do these things? Because they’re kids and there are many things kids aren’t that prepared to handle yet even if they think they are. That’s why parents throw a fit when their kids get involved in pregnancies. I’m sorry your folks threw you out but when you’re 35 and your son tells you he got someone pregnant, a girl from a family you really despise, well, you get the idea.
Please take care and hang tight for your son. You have a long road ahead of you.
Erick
Hi.
There’s only one thing you can do right now and that’s to pray a lot. Your angel is with the Lord and you have nothing to fear. That baby is well taken care of and what you need to do now is to make sure that you are healthy and well. Your baby will not want her mommy all shook up and depressed. There’s so much life left here and you have to see that. Your baby will not want to see her mom getting destroyed just because she was called back home to God so early.
I don’t understand how this happened to you. I still don’t understand how it happened to me but one thing I do understand is that the Lord who continues to give you breath and life now holds our children in the palm of His hand and what a better way for our children to be taken care of? Yes, we miss our babies but let’s just miss them and live our lives so well that they have no choice but to be proud of us.
Take care, honey.
Erick
Hi, Sibzy.
I’m not a psychologist who specializes in dreams but I do know that you need peace. First, I would encourage you to visit rachelsvineyard.org. They minister to women and men who have gone through abortion and they try and work with them to heal.
Another thing here is you have to forgive yourself. What you went through was horrible but you’re not doing your baby any favors either by not being able to grow from this experience. Yes, it was horrible but you’re not. You have to live with the fact that good people do end up doing bad things many times.
Please pray a lot. You may want to join some retreat group at church or simply spend some time alone or better yet with the guidance of some spiritual director.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is that you need your community and you cannot isolate yourself from them. You have to let them into your life more so that they can help you.
I don’t know if you’ve allowed yourself to get mad over this but you need to so that you can learn from it and be stronger.
Please take a look at John 8:1-11. Christ eventually asked the woman caught in adultery if there was anyone left to condemn her and she said, "No one, sir."
His reply is something all of us here who know abortion should remember, keep in our hearts and allow to guide us everyday: "Well, then, I do not condemn you either. Go, but do not sin again."
Take care of yourself, honey.
Erick
Hi.
Right now, I guess you should ask yourself what you’re worth. You say he raped you? Can that trauma be healed by money? I think you may just be underselling yourself for $20,000. You’re worth much more than that.
Far be it for me to judge you, but do you really need the money? What happens if you accept the money? If he gets out on the streets again, he can do to other girls what he did to you. Old habits die hard and you were just one of the girls he had fun with. There’s nothing to stop him from doing it again.
If you accept the money, do you really think you can hang on to it and live with what it buys knowing that it came from him? It’s like the 30 pieces of silver Judas got for betraying Jesus. He eventually couldn’t even stand holding it knowing how he got it.
Honey, what ever it is that you went through was painful to you. I really think that if you accept the money, you may end up feeling more used and abused and his. well you know the word. People like him pay people no matter what age, to have sex with him. Though you had a relationship with him, you may eventually feel less of a person if it eventually feels like you had money in exchange for what he alowed himself to do to you.
There are many good things you can do with that money not only for you but also for others if you donate it to some charity.
Pray hard and see what God whispers in your ear. Stay safe and be at peace.
Erick
Hi.
It may be a lot of things but one possible simple explanation is that your cycle may not be all that regular or you may be subjected to a bit more stress at certain times. Another factor here is that you may be overreading your "signs" since you’re scared and he hasn’t been "pulling out".
Let me get to the hard facts first: Sex is enjoyable and very, very pleasurable but can you really do the "baby thing" at 16? What some girls seem to misunderstand is that there is no baby thing. There is simply the motherhood thing. Babies grow up and actually, everything that people think are cute and enjoyable about babies doesn’t really last. Sooner or later, there’s school, there’re grades, there are bills, there are, God forbid, boys for your daughters who may just get them pregnant at 16. Have you considered these implications of pregnanct at 16 or 17? If you get pregnant and have a duaghter who also ends up having sex with a non-pulling boyfriend at 16, you may be a grandmother at 32.
I guess what I’m trying to say at this point is that lay off the sex. You seem scared as it is but you’re still going through with it.
Why is your boyfriend not pulling out? Because it feels way better if he comes inside you. It just doesn’t feel the same if he pulls out. What’s bothersome is that neither of you seem to be overly concerned about you getting pregnant. Your worrying about it is not doing anything. Since you’re allergic to condoms, I think that’s a not so subtle hint that maybe you should wait until you do get married so that you’re more prepared for motherhood.
Also, there is no real benefit to "pulling out". Once a guy has a hard on, his penis is undergoing lubrication and the natural lubrication will most likely have semen and therefore, sperm there. It only takes one over-active sperm to get you pregnant and each time a guy comes there are millions heading your way. At his hard-on? Who knows? A few dozen? A hundred? It only takes one.
Please be concerned about yourself. If your boyfriend insists on having sex, then he isn’t really in love you but he just loves being able to ejaculate inside a girl. Sorry for being so hard but I really wish you’d stop having sex for now to save you the aggravation and possibly an early entrance into motherhood.
If your boyfriend is willing to wait and agrees to not have sex if you decide not to, then that’s an indication that he’s with you more than just for the humping. Some people have said this, "true love waits." It’s true. Try and find out if this boyfriend of yours deserves not only your body but your total self and love as well.
Take care.
Erick
Hi.
It seems like your boyfriend, 35 though he may be, is suffering from the initial fears of fatherhood. Honestly, it really hits some guys really hard especially if he’s been living as a single male all this time — without responsibilities, commitments, etc.
Now, here you are getting pregnant after just a few months of knowing each other. Let me be blunt: a guy that age (granted he’s younger than me) can get thrilled that he has a girlfriend who’s half his age. Makes him feel young again. Then your pregnancy makes him go crashing to the ground that he has to be responsible about a baby. I don’t know him and maybe this isn’t fair but chances are all the sex he’s had all this time has been oh so much fun without any strings attached. It’s easy to be in a relationship if it’s all fun and games but when a baby comes along, it changes everything. Trust me, I know, and I’m not exactly proud of how I know.
I, and a whole load of women here, will tell you the same thing: stand your ground and show him what you’re all about. He needs to see that you’re a woman who can stand for her child. If he doesn’t and won’t stand up for his child, then he’s not worth your time.
You want him to be happy? Don’t give in to his pettiness and fear now. If he’s worth all your attention, he will come around though slowly and eventually he will realize that your child together is the best thing that ever happened to him and the woman who stood up for that child is such a blessing also.
Know what I think? He’s scared silly and he doesn’t know how to handle this. Babies never come with a user’s manual and most males like being in control. A woman (not a girl) and a baby are entities that he cannot just control. That, indeed, is scary. Help him along. Show him that regardless of all this, you will be by his side and that this situation (this isn’t a problem, it’s just a situation) is just a situation that needs to be handled wisely and intelligently.
Don’t be afraid of what people will say. They will say what they will say and it’s but normal. Since you decided to keep the baby, wagging tongues will be part of your everyday life. You’d best get used to thins like, "Look at her. Coming from a broken home and still she didn’t learn anything from it." Let them talk and let them eventually eat their words when you rear that child into a beautiful person — regardless of whether you have to do it alone or not.
Right now, you have to focus on two things: what’s good for your baby and what’s best for you. I would argue that what’s best for you both is for your relationship with your boyfriend to be ironed out. He’s agreed to counseling. That’s a good sign. He’s at least willing to work things out. Maybe you’re not at such a losing situation.
Pray a lot, honey. You will need God always next to you in these coming years. I’m Catholic and one famous priest, Fr. Patrick Peyton, made famous these words: The family that prays together, stays together.
Go to church together, whatever church you guys go to. Pray together. Pray aloud together. It is in prayer that you will both find peace.
Take care, sweetie.
Erick
Hi.
It’s good that your dad is supportive and it’s a bit unusual that he’s the one who is rather than your mom. Honestly, I think your mom has her own personal issues about pregnancy and marriage that’s why she’s acting like this. Maybe you can try to understand her a bit more and see where that is coming from.
I’m not so familiar with the laws surrounding you but generally, they can’t really force you into anything. What I would suggest at this point is for you to tell your dad about your mother’s, err, actions, and try to get him to help you out. If it means keeping out of your mother’s way for now, maybe that’s good. She should also cool down a bit anyway,
Many of us here will be cheering you on especially that you’ve chosen against abortion. Keep the baby. I personally would not want a fourteen year-old to have a baby but now that you’re pregnant, it’s academic: you have to take care of the baby.
Sooner or later, your mom will cool down and hopefully will be supportive. What you can do now for her is to be as understanding but keep out of her way. Things you may say or do to each other may damage your relationship even irreparably.
Take care, honey. We’ll all be praying for you.
Erick
Hi, Katie!
I’m so proud of you and I know your parents are as well. It’s sad that you had to make the mistake with the alcohol but we all do things like that. I’m a bit happy that the baby’s father’s family is showing a bit support at this point. I guess they know how much the guy can really handle or not handle. Try to work with them also because it seems, from the little you’ve told us here, that they are a bit levelheaded. You also have to remember that they are part of your baby’s family.
Take care of yourself. Right now there is still much difficulty that can happen. Hold your parents’ hands and you can get through this together. Be calm about this and stick to the principles taught you by your parents and you and your baby will be fine.
Erick
Hi, Devyn.
Yes, I do know how it is to lose a child. My son Jake died May14 2000, the day he turned five months old. We were close and he’s still very much a part of my life. It really destroyed me for a while that he was attached to machines that didn’t tell me that he would live. He was expiring right in front of me and I was powerless.
Devyn, pray and pray a lot. Pray that God will do what is best for you and your family. Trust that whatever He gives you, it willbe for what is best for you and your baby. The Lord is kind and merciful and you have to trust in that.
Be strong. You know why the doctors are asking you to be prepared. We both knot what that means. Be strong for your baby and shower her with as much love you can now even if just means holding her hand and singing in her ear.
I will be praying for you.
If you need to talk to a parent who still cries about a lost child, please feel free to email me anytime.
Erick
Hi.
It’s unfortunate that this is happening to you but you are actually in a much better situation than some people here and they have survived and some have even thrived. You at least have a good job and have finished school.
What you really have to do now is plan for the worst and hope for the best. If your boyfriend decides that he’s not coming back, then let it be. You can’t force him to come back. If he doesn’t want his baby, then it really is his loss. I think he’s just so scared that he can’t be the irresponsible singly guy anymore. Sometimes, even having a good relationship hides the fact that you really aren’t all that tied down yet. A coming baby suddenly jolts one into the reality that one’s life is not just the self anymore. It’s scary to finally be faced with the reality of being responsible for a baby’s life and, if a guy chooses to live with and marry the baby’s mother, a wife’s life as well. Pray a lot. If his love for you is great and he’s just scared, he may come around. Mind you, coming around may take years.
A child, of course, deserves to have both parents around. This baby didn’t decide to be conceived but the two responsible for the conception surely decided to take part in sex. It’s unfair that you have to be left with the responsibility and a guy can just run off. Unfair, but that is how it is.
Please don’t worry about what people think or will say especially with regard to how they see him as a perfect guy. WHen they find out that you’re pregnant with his child and he doesn’t want anything to do with his own child, the winds will turn. Take note, their opinion is not what you’re supposed to be concerned about.
I’ve been saying this frequently here: stand your ground. Stay away from abortion and give that baby the best life that you can possibly give even if you have to give it just by yourself. You have the means so make use of the means available to you. There really isn’t much to be scared of as long as you approach this sitaution calmly and maturely.
Take the issue to your family. At this point, they really can help you and you really do need that help. Eventually, your family will be your baby’s family and they should be told and prepared to welcome their newest member. At times like these, it is the power of family that you really need especially if this is the only family that will be giving you and your baby support.
Take care of yourself.
Erick
Hi.
I’m not about to give up on your bf just yet but I also would not suggest that you wait for him. If comes around, he has to come around completely. He has to be responsible for everything. I’m not really sure of what was going on in his head all the time you guys were romping in bed. He knew that you had two kids already and that having sex with you may just end up in a pregnancy. Maybe he thinks that you got pregnant on purpose so that you can have a father for your two kids. Assuming he’s wrong, then it is incumbent upon you to prove to him that that is so. If he’s right, then it’s really going to be an uphill climb for you.
What I really wanna concentrate on now is your concern about the example you’re giving your two sons. You honestly have to explain things to them. I’m assuming that they have the same father so that actually is easier. You can’t hide the reason for your divorce from them. You have to open that up to them some time. Maybe not now but soon — especially for the 13 year old. I also suggest you start talking to the school counselors. They may be able to help you as to how you can approach your kids and talk to them about this. This isn’t something you sweep under the rug. By now, your 13-year old is already having a hard time dealing with the fact that he’s not with his father and he has so many male-oriented thoughts and needs that a father would be more suited to addressing. You need help here and be sure you try and get it.
Lastly, you have to start loving yourself. I know it’s quite hard especially given your situation but you have to — for your sons sakes and for yours. This bf of yours will not have any good reason to go back to you if he sees that you can’t even see your own value. If you see yourself as crap, why should he see you as crap also? This is the same with anyone else who comes into contact with you.
Love your sons and never assume that they won’t understand what you’re going through. Even if they can’t grasp everything, they will at least listen. You need to make them feel and understand that this isn’t their fault and that you guys are a family together especially now that there’s a baby on the way.
That 13-year old of yours is now the man of the house and you have to make him feel it. He will resent some of the responsibility at first but you have to let them help you. They’re all you’ve got. Show them that this isn’t their fault but as a family, you all have to pitch in.
I know that this is all difficult for you but one thing I think you need to remember now is that you can get through this and that you’ve actually shown that you can handle adversity. Do it again and be careful about mistakes. We’re both of us getting old and our mistakes affect our kids. We can’t afford that.
Take care of yourself and your kids.
Erick
Hey, Kat!
I’m not from Australia but I’m practically a neighbor. I’m from Manila in the Philippines. Good to have you here.
Erick
Hi there.
I’m not at all familiar with the laws in the States but maybe you can consult someone about this especially if he admits that your baby is his. If he doesn’t then you could ask for a paternity test. Sorry but those things are just unfamiliar to me.
On the other hand…
Honey, I really am sorry to say this, but it may be time to move on. At least take stock of what you want. Do you want him back in your life or do you want him to be responsible at least in some way with your baby? You may wanna consider the fact that he was having sex with the two of you girlfriends and he might not have even completely dried off from one of you when he was already inside the other girl. Sorry to be harsh but here’s my point: Do you really want a guy like this in your lives? Though I’m normally for letting a child know his/her father because I sincerely believe that a person deserves a father and a mother, if a father is so downright lousy, then maybe your baby is better off without knowing him. This, of course, is your decision completely.
I would advise you to get in contact with mommytoele. She’s had some problems with the father of her child and she’s been battling it out for her baby’s sake. She is one incredibly amazing woman and she’s gorgeous, too. Hehe.
Seriously though, I am very impressed with her because she took control of her life for her daughter’s sake and she didn’t let her problems with her child’s father get in the way of being a good mother. That’s what you really need to do know.
Pray a lot. You certainly need it now. Be strong because your baby needs you to be strong for the both of you.
Erick
My college theology teacher once taught my class that one way to determine whether a certain decision is God’s will for you is whether that decision leaves you with a sense of peace. This isn’t even happiness. Peace is knowing that you may be facing a very tough future but you know that this is the right thing.
Another thing: If in doubt, don’t. 🙂
Your mother is understandable. Don’t concentrate on how she wanted an abortion with Addyson. Think about how she is with Addyson now. I don’t she’s crazy about the idea of throwing her grandchild out.
Let’s face it, she will be disappointed especially since there is even this question now of who the father is. She may start calling you some four-letter words that really hurt. Honey, part of growing up is knowing how to take these things and being answerable for our actions. Yes, you did goof big time. Grit your teeth and bear it but don’t shoot yourself by killing your baby. The thought of shutting your mom up with this by having an abortion is but a momentary "solution". It’s nothing but a pain-killer which does nothing to cure the real situation. Problem with this so-called solution is that it will always leave a mark on your heart.
I’ve told other girls this on this site: stand your ground. Show your mother that you are someone to reckon with, a mature enough individual who needs to be listened to. Show that you’re capable of being responsible especially to your children.
A word to the wise though: Keep off sex. You’ve already seen how it has made your life difficult. Trust me, you don’t want three children with three different fathers who are all unmarried to you. Please check out Mweber, another member here. She’s amazing. She has a story similar to yours but she has chosen against abortion and she is now living a life she is proud of.
Stick to your guns. Stick to your babies. Understand your mother if you want your children to try and understand you when the time comes. Pray a lot. Pray hard. Keep off sex and find a guy who will love your children as if they were his. God is preparing this man for you. Don’t rush it. 🙂
Trust me, honey, You will be fine especially if you walk with God and the angel that He’s already given you. Don’t throw His angel back in His face.
Erick
Hi, Jenny.
If you’ve been reading the other posts on this site, i guess you now know that even if your boyfriend didn’t come inside you, there was already semen involved. Once a guy is hard and ready to have sex, there is always the danger of sperm being included in the guy’s natural lubrication.
I really hope and pray that you aren’t pregnant. If you aren’t, please stop having sex. This may sound corny to you but if he really loves you, he won’t risk getting you into trouble. He will respect your saying no. If you like having sex (who doesn’t after all) learn to control it. I wasn’t able to so I know how hard it is but please try.
Lastly, don’t consider your Dad’s strictness to be just a way of ruining your fun. IN my country we kinda believe that guys are given girls for children so that they can get scared out of their wits knowing that there are guys out there who are just like them. Your dad probably doesn’t know how to express his love for you in ways you want and need. Most fathers are like that. Regardless of that though, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. He actually cares so much about you.
Try to talk to him once in a while. Tell him what you care about, what pisses you off, whatever. He cares and he doesn’t have a clue sometimes of who you are. Most teenagers complain about that a lot without trying to inform their parents about themselves enough so they do end up understanding you.
Jenny, you’re not even sure if you’re really going to last a long time with your boyfriend regardless of how you feel about him now. Your parents, however, will be there until they die. It may be a good time for you to get closer to them. If you think you can be a good parent, it can start by your getting pointers from your folks. If you think you’re an okay person, it’s because they had a hand in it. Give them a chance to hear you out and take care of yourself.
Erick
Hi, Krystel.
Keep it together and try to be as calm as possible. Right now, I think the only way you can help yourself is by showing everybody just how stable and reliable a person you are. Whatever mistakes you’ve made, you have to live with. That’s what being a parent and being an adult is about.
As I told you in another post, you really have to look at what you have and see how much you wanna fight for it. At this point, you seem to have lost Cory. Maybe. It doesn’t have to end that way, though. Whatever his reasons are for leaving, these reasons are real for him. You have to address these issues. Married people always have issues and it’s part of being together that you work these issues out.
One very good friend of mine kicked her husband out the door when he showed that (after around ten years of marriage) he really couldn’t handle his anger and was capable of really physically hurting his son. They’re actually all friends now but what this shows is this: if a person sees and thinks that his/her partner is not good for his/her kids, then that person will seek sole custody.
If you’re afraid that Cory may seek custody of your children, then make sure the courts don’t have reason to decide in his favor. Show just how responsible you are. If you don’t have some sort of job, get one. The other girls here have shown that they can manage work and taking care of their children. You can, too. Show the courts and Cory that you are a very responsible, caring and mature mother.
Once that is out of the way, then it would be time, I think, to try and work things out with Cory. If he values his children enough, he knows that he cannot keep their family apart and that means sticking close together. Of course, that also means your having to show him what you’re all about and that he will be missing out a lot by not being with you. Show him again why he fell in love with you in the first place and show him that there’s really more where that came from.
Never let him forget what a good person you are. Though good looks make a very good first impression on guys, it always stays as a first impression. A lasting impression is one that is based on what a person is really about and that’s what he should see.
Keep it together and show them who you are. Your babies and even Cory is counting on you.
Take care, honey and email me anytime you need to talk more.
Erick
The father’s 37? He’s my age and I do understand what you’re going through. People like me have a knack for being stupid at times and getting involved with really young girls who’re innocent (as compared to us) gives a real high.
Enough of that.
When I remember the fact that there was a time that I didn’t want a child and I lost that child, I really kick myself in the butt. I lost and turned my back on a God-given angel!
He may not want the baby now but it’s really not up to him. Killing a baby is not something you want to do just to protect the interests of a person who doesn’t want the responsibility. Please do not get the abortion. Trust me, if this man leaves you because of this, you will get over it. If you kill your baby, that will haunt you until you die and though your baby may forgive you, your pain and guilt will always run after you.
I think you will have a much better life with two kids rather than a boyfriend who doesn’t want your kids and one child from a previous relationship.
Honestly, if a man doesn’t want your child, a child that is his also, does he really deserve you? I’m just fortunate that my wife still took me though I turned my back on one of our children once in our lifetime.
One thing most girls make the mistake with is when they think that the best way to keep a man is by always giving him what he wants. Many times though, guys don’t know what they want and especially what they actually need.
A good number of times, what we really are looking for is someone who will stand up for what is right, someone who is strong enough to tell us what is truly important and valuable. If we find that a woman can decipher what is really good and valuable as compared to what is hip and passing, then it may be time to get hitched.
Take everything I say with a grain of salt. I’m a sinful bastard and I’ve had my share with playing with young girls. What really makes me stick to my wife is that whenever I do something wrong or want to choose something wrong, she points out in a very firm way what is really significant and actually meaningful to me so that I don’t just go through life living as if nothing is important.
Stand you ground and do what this site says, "Stand Up, Girl"! Show him how valuable his child is by showing him how much you want to keep the baby because it really is the right thing to do. If he can’t see that this is murder or he’s just wlling to kill his own baby, then maybe he really isn’t worth it. A man is supposed to lay down his life for his wife and his children and it’s supposed to start now. If you’re able to make him grow up by standing your ground, then you’ve actually done him an incredible favor.
Keep the baby and take heart. You’ve undoubtedly found many girls here who have babies from different fathers who were all dumb enough to turn their backs on their babies. The mothers? They’re having a hard time but they’re reaping the benefits of having loved truly. They are being loved back and when the time comes, those babies will really show that keeping them was the best idea ever.
Take care, honey. Show that man what’s right.
Erick
Hi there.
Don’t try to work this out by yourself. Your being on this site already indicates that you do want to seek out help.
Yes, it’s pretty normal for you to feel that way. It takes a while before we can live with the reality that we’re given by God. When I went through an abortion, I didn’t think much of it. It was only until my wfie and I lost a baby after having fed, clothed, bathed and put him to sleep for five months that the reality of having lost two babies really hit us. It was a while before I could really move from this. What really solidified everything was the birth of a daughter a couple of years later and yet another daugther a year after that.
You need to talk to someone definitely. It doesn’t even need to be someone who went through that though there are people here who have. This is an experience that necessitates the true healing power of the love of people who really do care for you. Don’t sell them short by keeping them out of your life. Don’t sell yourself short either. They were given to you for a reason and this is one of those reasons.
Lastly, take heart that the mere fact that you’re still alive indicates one thing: God cares for you and is holding you in the loving palm of His hand. Take heed and get strength from that. He’s taking care of your babies and there’s no one better to care for them.
There are cases sometimes that we are utterly powerless to prevent the hurt of our loved ones and sometimes we even take an active part in their pain. In cases like those, I believe that God comes in to make sure that the care we cannot give is given a hundrefold to those who deserve it — our babies, in this case.
Take care, honey. You owe it to your babies. They won’t like it one bit if their mommy is in pain.
Erick
Hi.
You’re in a very tricky situation and it really is quite difficult to determine why he’s doing what he’s doing. Honestly, when I got the chance years ago to flirt with my son’s mom so I could get free sex, I would. It felt quite good being in control and the freely given sex wasn’t so bad either. Fortunately for both of us though, we now find ourselves in our present situation — we are together trying to raise our family of one 12-year old boy and two young girls.
How can you tell? There’s no hard and fast way of doing this but you can try to invite him over to help you with the baby. Do this often and let him work like a dad and/or a husband should. Will he rather watch the tube or do the dishes? Will he take out the trash or mix formula? Will he leave diaper duties to you?
Oh, even if you really, really want to and your hormones seem to demand it, say no to sex. You know by now that sex muddled up your relationship before. It will again if you don’t know how to say "no". See how he reacts when you constantly refuse. Please do not use your body to reel him in. That never works. All it does is to make you an easy lay. Sorry to be harsh.
Have a look at how he reacts when your baby is acting up. Try to invite him over when you know he’ll be tired and see how he acts with all of you.
In my country’s history, a suitor was once expected to render labor to a woman’s family if he wanted to marry her. That was for one year and only then would the woman’s family determine if he really should be given a chance. That practice is all but gone now but it sometimes seems to make sense especially with more and more guys (I seldom use the word "men") showing themselves to be nothing more than big mama’s boys.
What we really need to find out here is if he really wants to be a father, husband or whatever and we need to know what that whatever is. You cannot allow yourself to be used in any way — physically, emotionally, psychologically, etc.
If he starts showing that he wants to share this experience with you and be responsible, then it may be a good idea to give him a chance but let him earn his place in not only your life but your baby’s life. All guys have a hard time being a father. I did. But as long as he shows the desire and, more importantly, the tenacity and faithfulness in this new role he seems to want to play, then he’s allowed a few mistakes. Even the best of the best basketball platers started with fumbling the ball.
Give him the benefit of the doubt because you and your baby deserve a chance at a life together. The question you need to answer now though is whether you will be sharing a life together.
Don’t fall prey to just wanting to have him back but don’t be too scared to welcome him back if he deserves it.
Whatever you decide though, always base your decision on what’s good for you and your baby.
Please take care of yourself and your baby and keep all of us here posted.
Erick
Hi.
The first thing you have to remember now is that your life can only be what you make of it. Though you were the victim of a bad situation as regards your parents, it is really up to you to be a victim of this any further. The only way you can escape a downward spiral that they started is by putting your foot down and making sure you’re careful with your life.
Okay, let’s talk about the possibilty that you may be pregnant. It is possible that you aren’t and that your period is just delayed. I’ve had a friend who didn’t have a period for around three months. She didn’t tell me about it because she knew that I’d be worried for her. Your being stressed out may be contributing to it. Most of the pregnancy tests you can buy now are quite reliable and if you’ve had five all turning out negative, then chances are that you’re quite safe.
Now, the more important stuff.
Honey, the only way you can make sure that you don’t become a total victim of your parents’ lives is by being smarter and ultra careful. That means begging off sex as much as possible. You’re not married and sex is not something you just do when there’s nothing better on the tube. I’m sorry if I sound harsh but your being on this site must already have shown you how hard some girls have had it since they became parents. A good many of them are really making a good fight in terms of fixing up their lives for the sake of their children but it really would’ve been simpler if they weren’t. It really is easier to study if you’re not supposed to breastfeed, clean the baby, help with the burping, etc.
Please beg off sex for now. I’m not even one for safe sex anymore because, as you can see from the other stories here, it isn’t really all that safe either.
Spend more time with your mom, both your biolgical mom and your guardian. Try to understand them and see why they are the way they are. I mean, really, your guardian is one hell of a woman for having taken you in. You biological mom is also someone to look up to even in the slightest because she had enough sense to realize that she didn’t know how to take care of you.
Though it seems great to have a buddy in a child, it really is better to be more prepared for a baby. Prepared in terms of having a complete family, a mom and a dad who both have finished school and have work and have no qualms (especially for the dad) of giving up nights on the town with buddies. Having children is a wonderful responsibility. CHildren are not pets that are cute. They are human beings that we are gifted with and are responsible for.
Make sure that when you are blessed with a child, you yourself will be a blessing to your child as well.
Please feel free to contact me anytime.
Erick
I agree. This isn’t the baby’s fault and I really think your mom won’t turn you away. There’s nothing wrong about going to her for help. It’s actually more mature for a person to seek out help when it is necessary rather than trying to handle everything yourself.
At this point, think about your children. Their father should start shaping up and being a real dad. He can’t blame you for getting pregnant. It’s not like you produced sperm and inserted it yourself. He should shape up and be responsible for the sex that he;s been enjoying.
Don’t worry if you lose him. Your children deserve a father, true, but what they don’t need is a sperm donor. Think about what you’re worth and what your children are worth. Let him earn being with you and your children.
Your mom? Honestly, she’s frustrated and she’ll even be more frustrated this time. Can’t really blame her. Think about how you’d react if you were in her shoes. After her initial frustration though, she will remember how much she loves you and your children.
Stand your ground and show her that you’re an adult to be reckoned with. If you have to stop school right now just to concentrate on your babies, let it be. You’re so young that once your youngest is five years old or even four years old and can be left at home with their grandmother, you’ll only be around 25. Still so much left in your life and so many opportunities still before you. Think about how good it will be to come home from school with three adorable children to welcome you home. If the sight of that can’t get you inspired to be the best woman you can be, I don’t know what will. 🙂
Lastly, try to see things like your mom does. Look, she’s hung on to you even with the frustration she has and the fear for your future. That’s love, nothing else. It would be good to stick around with her. You can learn a lot about being a patient and loving mom.
Take care, sweetie.
We’ll be praying for you.
Erick
Hi.
Don’t be so annoyed. The bad publicity is simply because there are so many others who haven’t shown the same amount of responsibility that you’ve shown. There are others who can’t get to grips with their situation and the baby suffers.
Take these things silently in your heart and get strength from them. Truth is, many girls end up giving up their dreams because of their situation and they never realize their potential. There are just to many failure stories as compared to sucess stories.
One of the girls here, one I really admire, is doing what you’re doing and she even speaks about teen pregnancy to other teens. She knows how hard it is and has taken the approach that 1) as much as possible, don’t have sex too early so that you don’t pregnant, 2) if you do get pregnant, keep the baby, 3) once you give birth, be responsible for your baby and 4) help each other out.
I guess that’s what this site is about. A good number of us have had it rough and have made our mistakes early but it really is about how we’ve managed with our lives. Being a parent is hard, we know that, and it really boils down to how we grit our teeth and bear it all for our kids.
Hey, I’m really proud of what you’re doing. That’s no mean feat. Trust me, the person who’ll eventually shut all those yapping mouths now will be the little baby you’re carrying. She’ll tell all those people to lay off her mom.
Take care, sweetie.
Erick
Hi!
No, I don’t really think you’re being all that selfish. We can’t really love others if we don’t love ourselves first.
It’s actually fortunate for you that you’ve been exposed to all this already. That way, you know what you’d be getting into if you get involved in sex very early. I think that’s the real problem surrounding you. It’s not the babies really but the sex that your sisters got involved in very early in their lives. Having babies is a wonderful but difficult thing. It gets even more difficult if a person gets into it much too early.
Many people here say that babies are a blessing and yes, they are, definitely but one must respect babies enough not to just get into the brithing process without having prepared for it. Yes, young women will eventually cope with their pregnancies but wouldn’t you much rather be the young girl that you really are instead of having to care about diapers, formula, baby clothes, etc?
What I suggest is that you go through your life like a little girl and not to try and be too mature too early by having sex early in the game. That just muddles up the situation. If you do allow a boyfriend that privilege, you then become somewhat unsure whether he’s staying with you for the free sex or for you. Keep it clean, keep it simple.
If God blesses you with children, then that’s something you should really embrace — in the right time. Eventually, all the people who say that all they want from life is a career, success and no babies because of this and that reason will find themselves around 60-70 years old, alone and without people who could love them the way only children can. When my dad died at 72 years old, I was there with my two sisters and my mom. His friends who would’ve wanted to be there weren’t because they had their own families. What would’ve happened to the man who was my father if he didn’t have children? He would’ve died alone without anyone praying by his side, singing to him as he expired.
I love my father so much and I am so blessed to have my mother still around.
I think you’d eventually feel your life complete only when you’ve left a good brood of children behind who have been well taken care of by two parents who have showered them by love, understanding and sincerity.
Please take care of yourself.
Erick
You may not be beating on a dead horse — yet.
While it isn’t for us to question your boyfriend’s apparent love for you, what we can ask though is whether he will be a worthy father to your baby. Babies really change everything. If a woman thinks she can take anything a man can dish out, that isn’t necessarily the same thing when it becomes a question of how this man will be as a father.
If he can’t kick the drug habit, he won’t be sober enough to help you out. Even if you’re the silent, suffering type, don’t allow this to happen to your kids. Imagine being unable to stand because of some labor pains and he’s top stoned to help you. That effectively puts you and your baby in danger.
If he really loved you, he’ll do everything in his power to turn his life around. If he can’t show the maturity that is required of a father, it may not be a good idea to have him around.
On the other hand, a child does need his/her father. While it may be a while for him to kick the habit, if he at least starts showing that he can go to rehab and find a job, no matter what it is, then maybe he can be a worthy father.
Love him, yes but love your baby more. It’s not just your ability to suffer and bear being him that’s the question here. You have to think about you and your baby because that baby cannot defend itself and fight for what is right. You have to do that even if it means teaching the father how to be one. Fatherhood is not a matter of shooting sperm in someone’s vaginal canal. It’s mixing formula, cleaning the butt that’s coated with gooey poop, replacing the soiled diaper, getting a job that will pay for school stuff, ladidah, ladidah. You know the drill. 🙂
Take care and God bless you.
Erick
