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I know it feels like all your choices are being taken away from you, and the adults in your life may indeed be trying to dictate your every move. But they can’t force you to give your baby away! You have every right to choose adoption, which can be a great option. But it is your choice, and the family you pick is your choice. You need to either use an agency, or get a lawyer – the adoptive family should pay. If you want to talk more you can e-mail me – julie@standupgirl.com. Hang in there!
I haven’t placed a child for adoption, but I am Mommy to my adopted son. I am friends with his first mother and walked through much of her pregnancy with her. We have the beautiful bond of loving the same child with all our hearts. Choosing adoption was easy for her – she knew she couldn’t have an abortion, and she knew she wasn’t ready to be the mother she wanted to be. Going through with it was the hard part! But she is glad she did, and we have a really great relationship. There are certainly feelings of loss, but she’s expressed her joy in being part of building our family, and seeing her son thriving. She’s doing well too, and I think our open relationship helps all of us work through the different emotions we all feel. I’d love to talk about your specific reasons for considering adoption, and offer any insight that I can, and possibly put you in touch with my friend. You can e-mail me at julie@standupgirl.com. It is a tough decision, but I’m sure you’ll make the right one.
You are this baby’s mother, and you have to make this choice based on what you belive is best for your child. Not on what feels best for you, or what your parents, church or friends expect. If you make your choice based on what is best for him/her, I believe you will make the right choice.
My husband and I adopted our son. His mother chose adoption because she wanted him to have a father and knew that she wasn’t yet prepared to be the kind of mother she wanted him to have. We became friends and stay in touch. She is doing really well. But she made her choice herself, based on his best interests. I believe that, if she had been forced into adoption, or had done so to please someone else, the outcome wouldn’t be so good.
I just want you to know that, if you choose an adoptive family for your child, they will love him every bit as much as you will. I have an adopted son and a ‘homemade’ daughter, and there is no difference in our love for them.
Please listen to those maternal instincts! If you are pregnant, you are a mother, and you are designed to protect and nurture your child. If you choose to do otherwise, it will hurt you, too. Yes, if you are pregnant it will be a difficult road ahead, but there will be a lot of joy there, too. It will be hard, but you can do it!
Pregnancy is dated strangely. They start counting the weeks starting on the first day of the mother’s last period. But conception can’t happen until she ovulates, which is usually about 2 weeks later. So the baby’s actual age is always two weeks younger than the official length of the pregnancy. For example – I am considered 15 weeks pregnant now, but I actually conceived the baby 13 weeks ago at the end of February. So you could say that your wife is 10 weeks pregnant and your baby is 8 weeks old. It sounds like you had a fruitful honeymoon. Congratulations!
Post edited by: Julie, at: 2006/06/02 02:32
I had the same question when I was 7 weeks pregnant. My doctor said no, there is no correlation between sickness and a healthy pregnancy. What matters is the hormone levels. Some women have good hormone numbers and their bodies respond with sickness – and it is a healthy pregnancy. Some women have good hormone numbers and their bodies respond without sickness – and it is a healthy pregnancy. If you are nervous, you can ask for your hormone levels (especially progesterone) to be checked by a blood test. And just a warning – my doctor also said that sickness peaks between 8-10 weeks, so it might be on its way… I certainly got my share of it later on… Hope all goes well for you.
Yes, you can get pregnant if sperm gets to vagina – the fluid your body produces when you are fertile can carry the sperm all the way up. I hope you are o.k. We are all here for you if you need to talk.
julie
It sounds to me like you should see a doctor – not only to figure out if you are pregnant, but to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. The doctor can do a physical examination and order blood tests that should answer both questions. Hang in there!
I don’t think you are selfish if you are truly motivated by your child’s best interests. It can be difficult to wrestle through all these issues. I’m sorry that you’ve had a lot of issues with being adopted. I’m sure that both your sets of parents do love you very much. Please remember that plenty of non-adopted people spend years in therapy trying to resolve their problems, too…there are no guarantees either way. But if you make a decision that is based on your child’s needs, and not yours, I think you will make the right decision – whatever it is. And take your time with this decision – there is no hurry!
I think you should tell him you are pregnant. After all, it is his child you are carrying. I know you don’t want to lose him. But how would he feel if he later found out that you aborted his child? Some men feel really betrayed and hurt when they find out about their lost children.
I know that abortion might seem like a way to erase a problem, but it isn’t that simple. Please read about how it has affected women – we have some stories on this site, and you can also go to http://www.tellmyabortionstory.com. Also, please explore the other options you have: parenting and adoption. You may find that the biggest scare of your life becomes your biggest blessing.
Post edited by: Julie, at: 2006/04/01 04:27
Post edited by: Julie, at: 2006/04/03 17:44
Thanks for pointing that out, Lisa. There are at least four other deaths under investigation right now as well. Holly Patterson’s death in 2003 brought the issue to public light, but it seems the deaths are continuing…
Post edited by: Julie, at: 2006/03/22 03:42
Nicole, I’m sure you must be scared, but you can do this. There are a lot of resources out there to help you. I’d suggest contacting your local Pregnancy Resource Center by going to http://www.optionline.org/advantage.asp or calling 1-800-395-HELP. They’ll be able to put you in touch with resources in your area, and might help you tell your parents. Your parents may even be more supportive than you expect.
With help and support, you can do this. But, 13 or 14 is very young to take on the responsibilities of parenthood! If you aren’t ready for the job, please consider adoption. You can give your baby life, and then give her a family who is prepared to raise her. You can choose the family – maybe even one you already know and trust. Adoption certainly isn’t easy, but it gives life, and is full of hope.
So, try to stay strong and take things one day at a time. You’ll get through it!
Krista,
I’m sorry you feel so alone! You really need to take a test to see if you are pregnant. You can get a free, confidential test by going to http://www.optionline.org/advantage.asp or calling 1-800-395-HELP. If you are pregnant, they’ll also be able to connect you with resouces to help you through your pregnancy. Hang in there!
Tae,
It is completely normal to feel confused at a time like this! It takes time to adjust to this reality: Your life has changed, You are a mother! I know abortion might seem like an easy way out – but it isn’t. Abortion doesn’t change the past, but it does affect the future. This website is full of stories of girls who have had abortions and experienced deep regret. (http://standupgirl.com/site/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=74&Itemid=41 for example)But no one ever regrets giving her child life! It is a good thing pregnancy takes 9 months – you’ll have time to sort out your feelings and make decisions for the future. You may be ready to be a Mommy. Fantastic! There are a lot of resources out there to help you be a great one. You may realize you aren’t ready. That is O.K. Coming to that conclusion doesn’t make you irresponsible, selfish, or cruel. (and, like I said, you’ll have months to think about it.) Placing your child for adoption is not ‘abandoning’ her – it is providing for her a family who IS ready, and longing to raise her. Either way, you will NEVER regret having this baby, and you will be amazed by the love you will experience.
If you want to talk, you can e-mail me at julie@standupgirl.com
Love,
juliePost edited by: Julie, at: 2005/10/04 03:26
Oh Brandi, it does sound like you have a tough situation. I’m sure that things seem overwhelming much of the time. But abortion doesn’t bring hope or hapiness – it is in a mother’s heart to protect her children. This website is full of stories of women who live with deep pain as a result of their abortions. I know that three kids is a lot of work – but it is possible, and you are blessed with a supportive family. If parenting just doesn’t seem possible, you could consider adoption – it is not an easy choice, but it allows you to fulfill your mother’s heart and give your child life – and a family who will love and provide for him.
Hi, hon… I wish I could just give you a huge hug. I know how scared you
must be… You didn’t ask about adoption specifically, but I’m pretty open
about the fact that I placed my first child for adoption. I’ve also had
a lot of conversations with friends who had unplanned pregnancies and chose not to parent. Basically, what we came up with was that our experiences of our "unplanned" pregnancy was very similar: we all lost babies, we all had to grieve our babies, we all look at children of similar age and wonder what parenting
would’ve been like, what our child would’ve been doing at that age,
wondering what they would’ve looked like… it’s kind of like seeing your
ghost-child, at times, when you see a child that looks a whole lot like
you’d think yours would. And yet, there’s the difference: I get pictures and
letters, get to find out what he looks like, what he’s into, I get to see
that he’s doing well, thriving, being loved, part of a family, and made a
family. My gal friends who chose abortion get some serious struggles with
guilt and depression that just seem to keep resurfacing, no matter how many
years separate them from that decision. I’m not saying that adoption is the
way to go for you; parenting is a beautiful option, and there is tons
(TONS!) of support and resources out there for you, should you decide to go
that road. But, if you should decide that you’re not ready or able to
parent, think about giving someone else that chance. You’d be giving your
child life, and then giving him/her A life. If you ever want to talk, I
would be there for you. Best wishes, Kathryn
