ericklirios

HI.

Your post was really painful to read. Painful in the sense that I, and most of us here on this site, are rather powerless to help you.

Sweetie, you have to seek help where you are. We are all here to support you and listen to you but your situation really requires help that is near you. You cannot, allow the mistake that was that relationship further damage your children. Kate, for example, though she seemed to have come out a happy baby, most likely bears the emotional scars that she will have to deal with later on simply because she was a passive observer during your days of abuse.

Do not, please do not allow yourself to further deteriorate with alcohol or pills. Your children need their mother. They do not need a corpse. Further, if something happens to you, their father, abusive as he is, may be given custody. You cannot rsik that. The only thing for you to do is to grit your teeth and bear everything and pick up your life.

We all have our bad stories and the down sides of our lives. The mere fact that you’re still alive indicates that there is a great amount of hope for you.

Seek a church that can help you, a counselor also maybe. You need a lot of prayer (both from you and from others).

Is it impossible for you to seek help from your parents? They may be the best source of help that you can get. Admit the mistakes of your past and mend whatever fenches you need to mend.

Please think of your children and find your strength in them. If they need help, it is incumbent upon you that you do whatever it is that you need to do with and for them. Part of that is giving them the mother they deserve — a pillar of strength and love that has already fought for them and has to fight for them some more.

Please take care of yourself and I’ll be praying for you. Send me an email anytime you should need to do so.

Erick

Okay now something from someone who’s gone through it. 🙂

C’mon, ladies, this is the only real thing that guys go through that’s a bit painful. You gals go through your periods every month and there’s pregnancy.

At this point, the health reason is a compelling one. Some doctors suggest it while others dismiss it. The infections come if the glans (the penis head) being inside foreskin all the time is not properly cleaned. If you decide not to go for circumcision, you have to remember to pull back the foreskin during bath time so that the penis head gets cleaned.

Some doctors also prefer that the operation be done after the child has aged a bit. This may be a few years before or after ten years old. This may be a good idea as there were some cases (few) wherein a circumcision done during the boy’s first few months had to be redone. Don’t know how that happens but that’s what I heard. Some boys really see it as a rite of passage of being a man that’s why some cultures have it done at the outset of puberty. It’s not only something interesting to go through but at least, at the teeny-weeny least, a boy can get an idea of how it is to have pain right down there.

Take care.

Erick

Hi.

Does anyone in your boyfriend’s circle know? If not, why not?

One thing that you should be asking yourself know is that if no one within his circle knows, how does it affect you? I know that this may be a difficult time for both of you but keep in mind that since you seem to want to keep the baby, that baby is precious to you and if the baby is not precious to the father so much that he hides the fact and makes you wanna hide the fact, then you two should have a really serious talk.

Sex leads to pregnancy and pregnancy means parenthood. You two will have to grow up really fast and your being a high school senior and his being a sophomore aren’t excuses not to.

You guys have to face up to the responsibility of parenthood and that means facing up to the reality that you two should be sharing responsibility for the baby. If one of you can’t be proud of the baby in public, then there’s something wrong there.

Even if you love your boyfriend so much, you have to see whether he loves your child as much as he should. It’s not just a matter of you and me against the world here. It’s you, me, our baby surviving and hopefully thriving in the world. You can only do that if you both have your eyes in the same direction.

What I suggest is that you two sit down together, preferably with a counselor or a church authority of one of your parents. There may be harsh words. Deal with it. These are the natural reactions of parents but if both of you show a united and mature front, they will have to start respecting you a bit more. THey may tell you things like, "how could you be so stupid to do this?" Just let them get those feelings out and take them in like mature adults. Tell them what you need and what you plan. There may be a good number of difficulties ahead but that’s just how it is now. You just have to be strong together.

Being devil’s advocate though, you may have to start thinking of the possibility of your boyfriend’s not being up to snuff on this issue. What do you do if he says he can’t hand;e the pregnancy, the baby and then ups and leaves you?

What do you do then?

Please email me anytime you think you need to talk.

Erick

Okay, let’s deal with the easy question first. Working at a law firm can be very stressful depending on what kind of clientele that firm has. If it deals with very personal casese like divorce, custody, property disputes, etc. or high profile corporate issues, then yes, the atmosphere can be quite tense. Have a look at the movie Devil’s Advocate or the Ghosts of Mississippi to have some sort of idea. Working there can be quite fulfilling though.You’re exposed to very intelligent people and not so intelligent people also (there are dumb lawyers after all). The bottom line here though is that you’ll never find out or have an idea if you don’t go there and get to fell it for yourself.

Now for the harder question. Should you go to the interview? I think you should. It used to be thought that guys have to bring home the bacon and provide for the family while the wife stays home with the kids. More and more, that idea is being challenged and women are really proving themselves in the work place so much so that guys get threatened.

Another issue here is that your mother does understand having provided for you before. It’s just that she knows how hard it is and she doesn’t want you o go through that. It’s normal for a parent to think about that without sometimes realizing that her baby is now a woman and is soon to be a parent also.

Stand your ground with her. Parents aren’t all that dense though we sometimes seem to be. Sooner or later she’ll realize that you have to stand up for your life and your own young family’s life. It’s actually better that you want to be responsible rather than just be the recipient of dole-outs from her.

A thing to consider though: who’ll be taking care of the baby if you go off to work? Maybe that’s another factor your mother is thinking of. You should make sure that your baby is well taken care of and that, even if you are tired from work, you are still able to have fun and take care of your baby. What some people do is they allow the husband to work alone for around two to three years and when the baby is that age, then the motther starts working also to augment the income.

Whatever you do, make sure you have your priorities straight: your baby.

Going to work is not a matter of independence or having money for what you want. Working is now a matter of that still but more importantly, it’s a matter of having the funds to provide for diapers, formula, baby clothes, toys, medicine, check-ups, etc.

Your mom cares for you and you seem to have a responsible enough partner. It’s now a question of how you can contribute positively to this situation.

Take care of your family, pray a lot (together) and you’ll be fine.

Erick

Hi, Krystel.

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Your fiancé may actually have a better appreciation of you than you do yourself. We all fall and we’re all weak. I really don’t think people can walk out of our lives and we simly don’t feel anything. That’s what I believe was behind the feelings for your ex-boyfriend and the kiss that transpired. It feels really good to have someone show you you’re a beautiful person thus the weakness there.

What I think you need to do now is take stock of what life you have now. Is it worth fighting for? I think it is. So fight for it. Your fiancé’s forgiveness was right because I think tht though he sees your weaknesses, I think he very well sees just how good and beautiful you still are especially for him and his children.

Try to keep your distance from your ex especially if you can’t control an urge like that. Stick to what is truly yours and that’s the family you have. You were smart enough to keep your kids and not get an abortion. Be smart enough to make sure that the life you give them in your family is actually better than the death you took them away from. A broken family is not the best place to raise kids, the popular media notwithstanding.

Love your kids, love your fiancé and love yourself in your family.

Erick

Hi.

I’m really sorry this is happening to you. What I would suggest at this point may seem awkward to you but please consider going to your parents regardless of what you think their reaction may be. They will freak out, definitely but not for the reasons you may think. Don’t be so mindful of your pride right now and seek out their help.

Once they get tired of freaking out, they will realize that they will help you. Consciously be blind to their little snide remarks. These things are just normal at this stage so don’t mind them too much.

What you do need to do right now is to show them that you are being strong in this time and that you will do the right thing as to raising your baby. If they even give a hint regarding abortion, stand your ground and make it perfectly clear that you want to keep your baby.

You can also seek out help from other places just in case your parents can’t help you all that much. Go to your church and ask for their help. Nuns don’t always get good reviews but that’s being unjust to them. You may want to give them a visit even if you may not be Catholic.

If that BF of yours doesn’t want any part of you or your baby, that’s completely his loss. I can understand a guy realizing that he doesn’t care for someone but to turn his back on his son while wanting children with another woman is despicable. Don’t waste time on him anymore.

A friend of mine told me this when my dad died: God won’t bring you to it if He won’t take you through it.

Take care, honey.
Erick

Hi.

It’s been six months. Honestly, I think unless your grandmother is blind, she actually already knows or at least has a hint of your situation. She’s still a woman after all.

Please go to a doctor. Do it for yourself and especially for the baby. You seem to have decided to keep the baby since you are in your present situation but make sure that your keeping the baby is done with a lot of physical care as well as emotional care. Right now, I am a believer that your baby can sense your present emotions and will be suffering along with you. THe moment you relieve some of that depression, your baby will be relieved as well.

I never got to tell my grandparents when I got my wife (who wasn’t my wife then) pregnant. I told my mom as soon as I could but it took five more months before I could tell my dad. I didn’t even tell him face to fact though we were living in the same house. I wrote him a letter. I told myself that if I came home that day with my stuff dumped on our front yard, then I knew the answer. The answer wasn’t at all like that. My dad came to me when I slept that night and I saw him crying as he asked me why I was trying to bear this alone. The next day, as I left for work, he again told me the same thing and assured me that we would work together to deal with this.

GIve your parents and grandparents a chance to help you. Yes, they may throw an incredible fit when they first find out but that’s what happens when people are surpirsed. The usual first emotion they grab is one of anger. Sooner or later, they will calm down. Look, your grandparents allowed you in their house and accepted you. I very much think that they will also accept you and your baby. They will be disappointed especially when they find out that not only did you make the same mistake but that everybody in the school knows but they didn’t.

I guess what hurts a lot is that they weren’t able to help you, that your life will be harder (your life is not over and never believe that it is) and that you found it so hard to tell them.

The best thing to do is to tell the grandparent who can either handle it better or you fell closer to. BEtter if that’s the same person. Once you get that one person, you can then plan out how you’ll tell everyone else. Be storng and pray a lot. You’ll need God’s help now more than ever.

Erick

I agree completely with tattudemom.

My wife and I lost a five month old baby on Mother’s day, May 14, 2000 due to meningitis, hydrocephalus with pneumonia as the immediate cause of death. I still mourn Jake’s death since I was really involved in taking care of him. His elder brother still mourns him as well as he was so close to his baby brother. Did we know about his sickness? No. He was pronounced perfectly healthy when he was born. We’d go in for regular check-ups every month. He eventually had a fever on a Thursday which didn’t subside. The pediatrician then told us not to worry. We took him to my pediatrician aunt by Saturday and while she was looking at him, he started convulscing and we rushed him to a hospital. By Sunday afternoon, we had lost him. Honestly, it hurts so much writing this.

But even as I write this, I’m looking at my four-year old daughter who’s sleeping seven feet away from me. Her three-year old sister is downstairs playing. These two angels of mine never knew their brother but we tell them about him and their other sister whom we also lost. I absolutely love the three children that God has allowed me to keep and the loss of Jake has actually been the cement, as it were, that keeps our family together. We know that we are together as a family and that’s our choice and that we wouldn’t have it any other way.

When Isabelle (the four-year old) was still months old, I was really, really scared. I was so scared that what happened to Jake would happen again in whatever way. It didn’t. Though God, in his wisdom and love, will do what He wills, I trust that his love for us encompasses everything and goes beyond anrything we can ever hope to understand. I trust in his love for all my children, a loe that exceeds my own. I trust in his love for me and I trust in his love for you.

Take care and keep this in mind: Be not afraid.

Erick

Oh wow. Honestly, as soon as he starts shooting semen. That depends therefore on the individual because I have heard of some boys at twelve who already masturbate with the ability to ejaculate. Some supposedly can do this even earlier at maybe eleven or even ten. OF course, when boys brag about this, it may be a simple case of bragging. Some boys masturbate or at least play with themselves much earlier though ejaculation needn’t take place.

If a boy is able to insert his penis inside a girl’s vagina, then it would indicate at least the beginnings of the ability. SInce it only takes one sperm to impregnate a female, it would be best to assume that one encounter could indeed lead to a pregnancy regardless of the boy’s age.

Do yourself a favor, do not play with a young boy this way. That boy would easily play basketball with the guys in the park rather than be responsible for a pregnant girl. Some would want to be but at that age simply do not know how. Best to stay clear.

Erick

Hi.

While there is no specific way that you should feel, maybe you should still be thankful for now that you aren’t pregnant. Consider for a moment why you and your boyfriend would have wanted that. Your reasons may not be so similar. Talk about it and see how valid your reasons are. It may also help to talk to someone else about it.

If I seem to be taking this a tad seriously, it’s because I am. You just got out of a bit of a bind and you’re lucky. The fact that you took three pregnancy tests indicates that this is important to you. The question is why exactly is it important to you. I guess you’ve read the stories of many girls here and you’ve seen how much their pregnancies has changed their lives. Though very few or none of them would consider a life without their children, they would’ve had an easier more teenage life if they didn’t get pregnant.

Consider your experience a pat on the behind by a loving father or mother who caught you fooling around, scared you a bit with a few well-placed words and set you off again with a firm but gentle pat on the behind.

Look, you’re not supposed to be having all that sex yet. Not to seem prudish here but that is the truth. The reason why people ask you to keep sex within the confines of marriage is that aside from the moral issues, it really does keep things simple.

You can say now that you want a baby and your boyfriend can, too. Volunteer to help out in an orphanage for two straight weeks or more. Go there everyday. See how well you love kids. Kids seem to be okay when they’re all cute and cuddly. They’re not so cute when you’re trying to study for an exam and you have your period.

Try to find posts here regarding women who’re trying to finish college while taking care of a baby or posts regarding women who initially had supportive boyfriends who ended up being left alone. You may say that your boyfriend’s different. Sadly, you only really get to know that at the end.

Please take care of yourself and try and beg off sex for now.

Erick

First, don’t panic regardless of what the doctor eventually tells you. Seek out help where you are. Find likeminded individuals (those who don’t beleive in abortion) who can help. Seek out a teacher or guidance counselor in your school. You can also seek the help of people in churches which don’t advocate abortion. I know for a fact that Catholic organizations will help you out without even suggesting abortion. They won’t even force you to be Catholic. There are other pro-life groups out there that can help you come up with a plan.

Be patient with your mom. She’s really scared for you. The moment a mother or father learns that her/his baby is not a baby anymore and is also having a baby, it’s nuts. THe first reaction is anger.

HOLD YOUR GROUND. Show your mother that this experience will not show just how much a baby you still are but rather how much a woman you already are. Fine, you don’t help out at home and your grades are bad. Start helping ourt at home and study seriously. You have to show her you mean business regardless of whether the father will help or not. SHe needs to see that you will be mature and adult about this and that you are adult enough (though still under 18) to accept your mistake and face the consequences.

She’s scared. Help her not to be.

Lastly, pray. Even if you’re not religious, it may be time to start being so. In times like these, prayer is where your strength comes from.

Forget abortion. You will be fine if you keep strong and don;t lose your head. There are so many women here in this site that you can look up to.

You will be fine, honey.

Oh, just in case you’re really not pregnant, take this as a call to abstain from sex for now.

Erick

Honestly? Keep away.

This is a potentially a very bad situation if you get embroiled in this. You are so young. There will be other guys that will be worth your time.

Sex appeal is great for the loins but eventually it’s not good for anything else. Be friends but don’t go beyond that. You say he gets mad? Do you really wanna be caught in the middle of that or be the subject of that anger?

Erick

If he’s there even after you make it clear that sex is presently out of the question, then he may be worth it. Otherwise, he’ll just leave you also once he gets sex.

You definitely need professional help. Only a professional can help you get over the trauma and deal with the fact that sex will be part of married life.

Honey, maybe you should seriously consider keeping away from sex until you get married. IF your guy loves you regardless of not getting any, then he’s someone that you can trust in many ways. Make him realize that you’re just more than someone he can have sex with. Honestly, sex tends to muddle up things. Keep things pplatonic if you can and allow him just a few concessions. You’ll notice that most guys will start treating you differently once sex is on the table.

Keep things simple. Save sex for some later time. Try and get your heart healed. If he’s worth it, he’ll wait.

Take care of yourself. Don’t be afraid to lose somebody. Fighting for someone you love doesn’t mean selling yourself short.

Erick