About 5 months ago before I started college I found out I was pregnant, I was only 16. I didn’t know what to do, I was so lost and confused.
I wasn’t sure what I really wanted. I had always loved the fact of having a baby, having a family that I never really had, as I’ve never been close to my family. I mean now, me and my boyfriend talk about how much we’d love to be a family. when I found out I was in shock, I was so scared. I had told my boyfriend and he said it would be the right thing to abort it, as he was going to uni and wouldn’t be there as much as he would like. I guess he had a point, my mum was a lone parent and she struggled. I didn’t want that, I wanted the best for my child. I felt my mum wanted me to abort the child but she never said anything. I didn’t want to do it at all, I felt I was being selfish, I was having sleepless night day after day at the thought of abortion, but because I loved my family I decided to do it, but now I realize that it was the wrong decision.
I’m ashamed of my self from what I did. I’ve had counseling sessions, and nothing seams to be working. I keep reading online of how bad my choice was, I just want my baby back. I’m completely broken, I’m a new person. I just want the old me back, all these stories saying they started to forget and forgive after a year. I don’t want to wait that long, I don’t know what to do. I have no one to talk to, every time I bring it up with my boyfriend he just ignores it. I sometimes have suicidal thoughts, I feel that guilty. My family and boyfriend are scared for me.I don’t know what to do, what else can I do?
Please could you share this as well, it would be nice to know it could help someone else as these stories have helped me.
Thank you for your time, it means so much.
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Hello Stand Up Girl!
I Had A Secret Abortion At 18
I’ve never blogged before.. Or talked to anyone about this besides the people in my life I’m closest too so this is a new thing for me. I guess the way I’m going about trying to get better just isn’t working so it’s time to try something new. You can’t get better if you don’t share the story.
So here goes the sharing. I should probably start of before I found out I was pregnant to try and help anyone reading to better understand. When I was a freshmen in high school I came home to my parents, my sister, and my grandma all sitting in our family room crying, sobbing. Being a freshmen in high school I jumped to many conclusions; someone passed away, someones hurt, etc. My mind didn’t jump to my sister is pregnant but that was the case.
My sister was 17 years old and in high school. My sister was in a terrible un-supportive relationship. The day after my sister got home from the hospital she tried to overdoes and kill herself after giving birth to her first little boy. A year later that little boy came to live with us because we got a phone call from my now 19 year old sister, saying she was pregnant. Pregnant from a different guy and couldn’t support two kids on her own. Fast-forward another year. I’m 17 years old. The same age as my sister was when she was the talk of our small town for being pregnant in high school.
My little brother a freshmen in high school the same age I was when I was being told “You’re going to end up just like her” The same age I was when I was getting in fights sticking up for my sister when people would talk down about her.
It was September when I was 5 days late. I called my friend to come over in the morning before we left to school to take a test. When I took the test I thought it would be just like the rest of the scares I’ve ever had. It would come back negative and I would go back to living my life the way I always had. I never planned for a positive to come up.
An all area athlete going to a expensive private college to play a sport there. I had plans of being a doctor. Of getting all american in my sport. My boyfriend being an all area football player. Dreams and the ability of going D1. All of the flashing right before me as a stared down at the blue stick that said positive.
I walked down the hall to my room where my friend was I started laughing and crying at the same time. Laughing because I was so scared and it all felt so unreal. Crying because I was scared, terrified, and confused. My friend thought it said negative but as she hugged me I said It’s positive. She let go and then hugged me again. Just holding me because what else can you do when you find out your friend is a pregnant senior in high school.
The second I let go I was surprised at the first thought that came to mind. “I’m getting rid of it.” It’s weird how you’re pro-life until it happens to you and you’re the one facing the choice laying right in front of you. Looking back now I know the truth behind the decision was shame and fear. The fact that people would say I turned out just like my sister. The fear of letting down my parents, of tearing my family apart just like my sister did. The fear of what people would think. What my life would turn into.. What I would lose.
I got in the car to go pick up my boyfriend for school. Though my world had felt like it stood still that didn’t mean the rest of the world actually stood still. It was an awkward ride of not talking because with my brother being in the car also I couldn’t tell Lamar what I had texted him saying “I had to tell you something” After telling him he said he knew the entire car ride what I was going to tell him because I had mentioned a few time about the missing period that I didn’t have.
My brother got out of the car but neither me or my boyfriend moved. I pulled my phone out, opened it to the picture, started crying, handed it to him and got out of the car. I couldn’t stand to be the one sitting there next time, to see his face as he saw the reality of it settle in. I got back in the car, he said “you’re pregnant?” I said “well it does stay positive doesn’t it, btw we’re not keeping it” And got back out of the car slamming the door behind me.
Looking back I realized it was right there that I was unfair. It was right there that I took away my boyfriend true feelings on the subject. I knew he’d do anything for me. I knew he would do whatever choice I felt was the best and since those were the first words out of my mouth that was the decision he backed up for the next 5 weeks while waited.
That day and every other day until October 7th I went through the motions. I had headaches, I had the sickness, I had the reality of my tiny baby growing inside me. When I would trip I would instinctively cover my stomach. When softball practice came around I pretended to be sick or hurt so I couldn’t play. I watched what I ate, I stopped tanning. I did everything and acted like I was going to keep her. In my heart I wanted to pretend like I was because I wanted to keep her more than anything.
My friend helped me set up an appointment a few days later. Deciding between awake or asleep, pill or surgery. It was all so much more than what a 17 year old should have been deciding. Though I didn’t see it at the time. I see it now. On the phone with all these different people. Doing research to find a place that was good enough and close enough. Making a plan to get there without my parents knowing. I guess your wondering how a 17 year old couple would pay for it? My boyfriends dad passed away a month earlier leaving him with $2,000 in spending. $435 of it now going to our abortion. On the phone I quickly learned just how hurtful people can be.
Though they worked at a clinic for these things you could hear the judgment in their voice, you could hear the angry and the betrayal. I never understood any of it until now. I feel how of those feelings but for myself. Hurt and anger and betrayal. I never ever would have imagined how it would be now. Once making the appointment we were told we have to at least wait until I’m 6 weeks along and the closest we could get to the 6 weeks was almost 7 weeks along. To this day I wish I could have moved the dates around. My boyfriends birthday being October 10th and October 7th being the day we gave away our first child.
We went through the motions for the next few weeks and during those weeks I realized just how hot of a topic abortion is. I guess you never really realize how much something is talked about until it applies to you. We went through homecoming week with me being pregnant he played through football games thinking about it, we wrote notes to each other to help get us through the day to day pains of realizing our actions.
The closer the October 7th came the more and more we talked about keeping her. The more and more we fought off whatever anyone else was telling us was right or wrong and started focusing on what we thought we could handle. But like I said earlier my biggest mistake was telling my boyfriend I’m getting rid of it as my first words about the subject. Though he could tell I was growing more fond about the baby he still new what my initial choice was and would do anything to give me what I wanted with this topic.
For awhile I refused to call it a baby. it was to be called an IT and nothing more than that. As the days passed on we started both calling it a baby. I would talk to her at night, I would try and convince myself that she would understand but too this day I truly don’t believe that she understands. She’s lost and confused as to why her own mother didn’t want to her and I wish so badly I could tell her that I do. But done digressing, my boyfriend and I would talk about keeping her about calling and canceling the appointment.
He’d rub my stomach and talk to her and it would all become real, we were a family and that was our baby. I knew all along how badly he wanted her I knew he was just scared and he just wanted to do what I thought was the right thing for us. But I don’t if or when I will ever forgive myself for taking away his child. For being so selfish and self centered to only think of myself. Not him. Not our baby. The closer October 7th got the closer I got to telling my parents, but I never dared utter a word. To them or to anyone. It was my friend and my boyfriend and I. I intended on taking this secret with me and no one would know.
But then one day I got in a fight with my best friend. Yeah I know why did a “friend” know before my “best friend” during the fight I broke down and told her. She was arguing with me because she said I was spending to much time with my boyfriend and I was ignoring everyone else in my life. The only way to make her understand was to break down and tell her why I’m always with him right now. The argument stopped on a dime and it was right there that I realized just how amazing of a best friend I had. She told me she’d drive me. And so the plan was made. I would spend the night at my friends house, tell my mom we were going dress shopping in champagne and my friend and boyfriend would take me to the clinic.
Now I have to live with that choice…………………..crying and crying.
As a small child,
Even before I could talk,
My parents, meek and mild,
Told me of her,
“You came from another,
Someone we have never met, your “other mother”.
The stranger, your “other mother”, has blessed us,
Children, we could not have,
Her tears and pain,
Her gift of life and love,
Has been our gain.
Our Good Lord had a plan,
He was watching from above,
A new family was now mine to be,
One of happiness, security and love.
Cows and plows,
Track, drama and choir,
FFA, fairs, and dairy princess’,
This was life for me now.
Years passed with many unasked questions,
No answers to be found.
Did I look like her? Did she have red hair?
Tall or short, thin or round?
Birthdays, graduations, and my wedding day came and went,
Five children of my own,
Still, only in my mind,
My “other mother” could I find.
I prayed and asked the Good Lord,
“In your own good time,
Please bring her to me”,
Our Lord is so good and kind.
One June summer day,
The phone call was made,
My “other mother” was 90 minutes away,
We talked and talked, and
Planned to meet the next week.
Months have gone by,
Letters, visits, phone calls,
Tears and laughter started,
Though time kept us apart,
My “other mother” is filling her space in my heart.
Written By Diane
Hi Becky, I live in Nigeria and am 24 yrs old, my story is very long, so I will summarize it, ok? I just discovered that am 5 weeks pregnant and there is a lot of problems now because I don’t even know the particular guy that owns the baby, I have two guys I am dating, my parents are very strong Christians and can’t tolerate me bringing in pregnancy, and I have just told the first guy which I believe I loved so much and he is asking me to go for abortion. What do I do now now?????
Dear Friend, Have you told your parents yet? Have you seen a doctor and confirmed your pregnancy? Abortion may seem like a quick fix, like sweeping dirt under a rug, when you lift the rug, the dirt is still there….Having an abortion is not like restarting your computer and going back to the original setting, your body will forever have been pregnant and there are physical consequences that often follow abortion…A real man will take responsibility and not offer a coward suggestion……….
I know if you stick through this that together we can find resources in your area, I am unfamiliar with Nigeria but I do know that when there is a will there is a way, Your parents were able to bring you life and care for you, your boyfriends parents were able to bring him life and care for him so it is possible that you can find a way to bring this child life and care for him/her, If you live in a depressed area with few resources adoption is always a good route to take, it allows you to carry your child to term and allow them to live, you will avoid the abortion associated medical risks and have peace of mind that you made the best of your situation, here is a website where you can look into options, https://www.bethany.org/, here is another website that talks more about adoption…. https://loveschoice.com/ ,Look, you are 24, you are a grown woman, you are more than capable of being a loving mother, you just have to find the will to do this! I was pregnant before I got married, it was hard but I did it…You can too! I hope to hear back from you and that you will let me be your friend through this time!
Becky, thanks so much for your words, though I have not told my parents, which I know would be a scene and a very bad one for me, but there is no option than to let them know, I have been to the hospital and they confirmed me being pregnant, you know what, yesterday my guy came looking for me and reassured me that he is not ready for any pregnancy now, he gave me 50,000 Naira (about 400 dollars) for the abortion, I collected the money, but I have made up my mind to bring my baby to life and care for him/she. Thanks so much for your encouragements, you make me stronger. I wish you knew Nigeria, there are so many young girls out here facing similar issues like, oh I wish I could set a foundation to tackle and advise/encourage them like you are doing to me.
Becky Dear, I will have my baby come what may. Waiting to hear more from you. God bless you. I have also visited the website you gave me, the are wonderful.
Hi again, I am so happy and proud of you! If you take your will power, give your child life and set a new example of doing the right thing I assure you, you CAN and WILL reach the other women in Nigeria, You are the key, You are the ticket! With your parents being Christians they should be forgiving, they should see the sanctity of your child, they should value his/her life, sure they may be disappointed and even angry but give them time! You just do what is right in the here and now and leave the rest in Gods hands! If Mary would have had an abortion we would not have a Savior! Who knows who your child will grow up to be, now you will get to find out and you will NEVER regret this life coming to be! I am here for you and I will continue to be here, to be a friend, a listening ear, I can offer suggestions or just listen to how your day was but I am here! Congratulations Mommy, You will do a wonderful job and just remember that God has entrusted this child to your care for a reason!
Dear Becky,
First off I would like to say what you have started is amazing! When I was going through my situation, I wish there was a place I could turn to where I was not the only one. I visited many pregnancy sites while I was pregnant and most were filled whether or not people who thought the right thing to do was tell me I was too young, not smart, and wouldn’t make it, so THANK YOU! for making a site that others who are, and were like me could turn to. I’m so glad Teka introduced me to this site and I hope I can help many of these girls with my story.
During my younger years I was a trouble maker, I did drugs, skipped school, never had anything nice to say to my parents. My parents were involved in my small community, my dad worked at the courthouse my mom was a pre-school teacher. I was fast on the road to nowhere. July 2007 I found out I was soon to be a mommy. My whole world flipped upside-down! I remember sitting in the bathroom, positive pregnancy test in my hand, looking in disbelief! My parents were going to kill me? My family will disown me! What is the father going to say? The list of thing running threw my head was more than I could handle! I quickly thought of who I was going to tell first to help me get threw this.
First call was to my sister Kassys, being 8 years older than me she had to have the answer…right? She to couldn’t think of what to do, shocked her baby sister was now having a child she went into big sister mode. “Everything will be ok” ..”but how will we tell DAD!”
My parents are very strong Christians, we went to church weekly and both of my grandfathers are pastors. We told everyone to meet and the news of me being pregnant was shared. I couldn’t believe what I heard from my dad. He was supportive, not happy but supportive. My mom cried and my brother and sister played mediator. Thats when my life changed!
I promised myself I would never do drugs again, the party’s were over, the drinking had to stop, I had to be a MOMMY! (what a scary word!) The next 9 months of my life were scary, amazing, a blessing, and a curse.
The beginning of my pregnancy I had to deal with the small things like kids in school, family who didn’t agree, people who thought their negative comments mattered. All the way to my grandma at one point talking about killing the baby, or me, just to “solve the problem”. After changing schools three times, moving twice, and lots of trial and tribulation with a difficult pregnancy, March 13th, 2007 (remember this day:)) I had my son.
Life was not easy I fought with the father all the time, he seemed to think his only role was to give me money. I was glad he even did that bu,t a little help would have been nice. The adventure had just began. In August of 2007 I married my husband (yes at 17) and he joined the military. The next year of my life I was not only a then mom, but my husband was in boot camp, SOI, and other training ops. I finally got to see him again June 2008.
July 2008 I found out that at age 18 I was going to have my second child and that my husband was yet again going to be away this time leaving for Iraq.
March 13th 2009 (same day as my first!) I had my second son. Two days later my husband left. I spent yet another year alone. Things I never knew could be hard were difficult. Grocery shopping, making dinner, keeping the house clean! Simple tasks were endless missions it seemed. Just when I thought I was getting a hang of things…June 2010 my 20th birthday! Yes, finally not a child or teen! I once again had to share the news.. number three was on the way! And yet again like the world didn’t want to change, 2 months before my third son, my husband left to Afghanistan.
I’m now 21, three boys who call me momma! I might not have been a single mom but it sure felt like it! My husband has been with me 20 months total, less than two years since my first was born, so yes I was mommy and daddy. I’ve learned so much, been through being a teen mom, military wife, 1000 miles away from home. I know I’m not the only one who has done it and I won’t be the last but I’m glad I can be on here to help the girls who come in this site see, they aren’t alone! There are others who have been there and made it through! And even when they feel alone,there is still someone who understands.
Thank you again Becky for making this site! Also Teka lol I know you will read this so thank you for being such a big part of this and showing me this site. Both of you are a huge blessing to these ladies!
Dear Becky-
Having read over many of the letters written by young beautiful girls, I hope that my letter will help. When I found out I was pregnant in 1972, I was 14 years old (I am now 53), abortions were illegal in Michigan. A friend of the family took me to a place where they were being performed anyway, at that time I just wanted this to be over, to be able to go back home and continue “my life” as it had never happened.
After being examined I was told to get dressed and return to the waiting room, I would soon find out I was almost 6 months pregnant. I had always been irregular, and hadn’t even had a period for very long, so a few months without one seemed like no big deal. 6 months??? needless to say I did not have an abortion, I was terrified, I believed my family would be so ashamed, I was so ashamed, I asked spirit to help me, to guide me, to stand with me…. I attended a school for unwed mothers, continued my education, met some very beautiful other girls and had my son in 1973. With much help and support from my family, we lived a happy life. There are many emotional changes however, that I was not prepared for. He became my whole world, the pride I had for him helped mask the shame I still (unconsciously) carried for myself. I buried myself in him, and as he got older and didn’t need me as much, I was lost emotionally.
The reason I want to share this is so that others may take this journey day by day, keeping their independance and teaching the same to their child. I have learned that our job as a parent is to teach our children to be a self sufficient, educated, loving, giving, growing individual. To always be there for them and yet to be ready and willing to push them out of the nest when the time is right. And to the girls who have gotten abortions, don’t continue to beat yourselves up, you did what you had to do at that time. Let that time go with love. In your heart and mind, send it off to the heavens with a loving heart and don’t look back. I would hate to see you get to be my age and still carry the guilt and pain with you, we only have one time around here and everything has a lesson in it, yours may have been forgiveness, forgiveness for yourself. Take a deep breath, hold your head high and continue to grow and learn. Help others that may be in need….Love is the common element that we all need.
