why didn’t you want the baby? why didn’t you love it?! what was the REAL reason you didn’t want it or love it? was it because our religions were separating us?! was it because your parents forced you?! were you too heartless to think about what WE made? you could’ve been its FATHER, and LOVE it! i KNOW you would’ve loved the baby, i KNOW you would’ve came around and been the best father that ever lived. we would show the baby how much we love it, and give it the life we didn’t get to have…we could’ve been there for eachother. did you not understand that was probably our ONLY chance of staying together? you don’t even know what you say hurts me…you tell me thats stupid for being depressed, GROW UP! but i can’t..i don’t understand why we couldn’t give the baby up for adoption? or better yet..keep it? don’t you ever just think for a second what we did was HORRIBLE? sometimes i wish you could get me pregnant AGAIN, so i can fix the mistake. im sorry that i cry all the time, and that im emotional..im sorry that IM the one who LOVED and CARED for this baby. im sorry that im the one who had to grow up and actually think about our little angel, sitting there in my tummy. helpless…i was SOOO excited to watch it grow, then finally meet it….we could’ve been a FAMILY. thanks for making me depressed…i REALLY appriciate it….
Just a bit about me =)
I live in England, I’m 19 years old, have been with my lovely boyfriend for 4 and a half years, and as of today, I am 19 weeks pregnant with our first baby. =)
We are both excited about becoming parents as it’s what we’ve both wanted since we first got together. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy as we had just got back together after having a break for a few months, but we are both more than happy about going through with it. And even though we argue quite a bit with my bad mood swings, we are still a strong couple. To be honest, I think it’s brought us closer together =). I have been asked that as it was basically a mistake getting pregnant, why didn’t I just get rid of it? But I have always been adamant about never having an abortion. I’m not saying I’m against them if someone has reason to do it, then I’m not going to hate them for it, I just personally could never go through with it. I have to say though, whoever said that pregnancy was the best time of their life is lying. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a pain in the arse lol! Although I’ve had no morning sickness, I get the sicky feeling, headaches, stomach aching, backache, dizzy spells. I get the lot!
Anywhoo, enough of my babbling lol =)
Much Love x
Feb. 7th, I found out I was pregnant for the 4th time, just had a baby girl 8/11.
Another baby was impossible mentally and financially. Me and my boyfriend were living in his parent’s house. His mom was a crazy wench. She harassed me constantly. Well, I moved out the day I found out I was pregnant, but that was planned a week before. I moved in with a close friend. But it was only till I could get on my feet, how could that happen with another baby on the way? So a week later, I made the call that would change my life forever. Feb. 19th at about 9 am, my baby was taken from me. I was 6 weeks and 1 day along. I felt in my gut, in my heart, that it was the little boy I could never hold. I named him Zachary Ryan when I really started to grieve for that baby. I was so against abortion and then went and did it anyway. I regret that decision and will for the rest of my life. No one warned me about the mental issues that go along with abortion. I’m so depressed, I cry for my baby EVERYDAY! I developed bulimia. I’ve become very angry. And sex, yeah it doesn’t happen anymore. I got an IUD put in and won’t touch my boyfriend unless there’s protection. Still, there’s no desire. Took me 2 months after my abortion. So far it’s only been 3 times since Feb. I feel so alone, like the only woman who grieves for the baby that I chose to abort. I miss him every day. My due date is coming up next month. It’s going to be a sad day.
To Zachary, I am so so sorry for the decision I made out of fear. If I just sat down and had not listened to anyone, you would’ve been welcomed into our arms next month. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much and regret every day of our lives what we did! Nothing can take it back. I pray every day that you are happy and at peace!
Losing a child is the most painful thing I could have ever imagined…
How could I be such a horrible mother before my child even got the chance to be born? How could I not be more careful? I know it’s my fault & I feel so terrible… I was planning on being the best mommy possible for you. I failed before the challenge even began…
I love you and I wish we had more time together: time to bond, time to love each other, time to become a family…
So my life right now is krazie. I never thought that I would be dealing with all this stuff at the age of 21… I thought I would be chillin’; going to clubs, drinking up a storm, and having freedom… For some reason today, it really hit me. I’m a MOM of 2 beautiful daughters and a wife to the most wonderful husband who is way older than me. Sometimes I have grudges against him because he is going to be 29 in Oct and he lived his life at 21, partied, and had the time of his life…
I’m not saying what I did was a mistake. I just should have waited… I love my kids, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I feel like this wasn’t meant for me. But then again, if it wasn’t for my kids, I would probably be dead at some hotel …. Ahhh……..I don’t know why I feel like this right now. Maybe I’m missing my grandma. She should be here watching my kids grow up and she should have been at my wedding if she could have waited another month.. Mann, I’m keeping so much in it’s not even funniee… I’m at work. It’s only 9:10 pm. I’m off at 10 pm and I want to go home NOW……….. Then I have to wake up at 5 am to get ready for school, which is another thing that is bugging me ….. I know I can do it but it’s just so time-consuming. I could be with my kids …..this is soo kraziee…
Whoever is reading this, you might be confused because I KNOW IAM!!!!!!
Thought I would keep a blog about what I’m going through… So here it is…
Four weeks ago, I started having cramps, and one day of light spotting. I think it’s my period, but the bleeding stops, and the cramps remain. Alarm bells go off when I think about how long ago my last period was, and the fact that I had sex a few weeks back and the condom broke. So pee’d on a stick and there it was, in two little pink lines confirming my worst fear. So now knowing I’m pregnant, there was bleeding and constant pain with cramps. I take myself to the hospital thinking that there could be something wrong.
7 hours later, I get to see a doctor. Blood tests were taken and an ultrasound was done. The baby is all good according to them, but then I find out that my blood type is O-, and the complications that occur in negative mums were explained. I couldn’t process all this info in one day, and the thought of being a single mum at 24 was never a dream of mine.
So I made an appointment at an abortion clinic for the following week and told the father, who was a friend of mine. He was more than happy to pay half with me, but later gave me all the money for it, which kinda made me feel bad. Almost like he was paying me to do this.
Whilst at the hospital, I was given an Anti-D shot, which helps protect future pregnancies in negative blood group mums carrying positive babies. However, seeing as I had already had been bleeding, there was a chance it was too late. If that blood was my baby’s from two weeks ago, my body would have already produced antibodies, which will attack any positive fetus I may later carry in life. But I still went through with the abortion…
The clinic took more blood, and called me a few days later, telling me that I had antibodies in my blood now and that I needed to get more blood tests done to see if I had ‘The’ antibodies, the ones that would make giving birth to a healthy normal baby 75% less likely.
So here I am today… Knowing that your first pregnancy would not be affected by the antibodies, knowing that I aborted it, knowing now that there is a very high chance I will have one miscarriage after the other. But not knowing for another 6 weeks whether I have the antibodies or not… Not until my body gets back to normal after this pregnancy will they be able to find out.
So, here’s hoping I don’t. But if I do, here’s hoping Mr. Right is in the 19% of Australians who have a negative blood type.
Having a abortion is hard enough to go through for any women, but knowing that that may have been your only chance to a healthy baby… I’m not letting it show to friends, but its killing me inside.
