It has been 4 days since my abortion and I think I may be doing better…..
I have started to see someone I can talk to about everything I am feeling… I have also found out that one of my closest friends had an abortion done a few months ago, making her another person I can talk to about things… She has given me some great advice which is really working… I had to go back on my medications due to doing things to myself, but once again, I have a friend to talk to now… I’m still not getting too much sleep, the pictures are still haunting me like you wouldn’t believe… I have also found out that my church has a group for women who have gone through the same thing…. I still wish I could turn back time and change everything… I regret my decision and it makes my day so much hard to go through… I keep asking myself the famous “what if” question… Like “What if I had the baby would it have made my life better, or did I do the right thing?” I hope there will be some day soon when I can have a peaceful day to relax… I really need it soon, before I drive myself crazy… I have my daughter for the weekend, which I hoping it will help with my mode a little…
But I am absolutely doing better…
why didn’t you want the baby? why didn’t you love it?! what was the REAL reason you didn’t want it or love it? was it because our religions were separating us?! was it because your parents forced you?! were you too heartless to think about what WE made? you could’ve been its FATHER, and LOVE it! i KNOW you would’ve loved the baby, i KNOW you would’ve came around and been the best father that ever lived. we would show the baby how much we love it, and give it the life we didn’t get to have…we could’ve been there for eachother. did you not understand that was probably our ONLY chance of staying together? you don’t even know what you say hurts me…you tell me thats stupid for being depressed, GROW UP! but i can’t..i don’t understand why we couldn’t give the baby up for adoption? or better yet..keep it? don’t you ever just think for a second what we did was HORRIBLE? sometimes i wish you could get me pregnant AGAIN, so i can fix the mistake. im sorry that i cry all the time, and that im emotional..im sorry that IM the one who LOVED and CARED for this baby. im sorry that im the one who had to grow up and actually think about our little angel, sitting there in my tummy. helpless…i was SOOO excited to watch it grow, then finally meet it….we could’ve been a FAMILY. thanks for making me depressed…i REALLY appriciate it….
Just a bit about me =)
I live in England, I’m 19 years old, have been with my lovely boyfriend for 4 and a half years, and as of today, I am 19 weeks pregnant with our first baby. =)
We are both excited about becoming parents as it’s what we’ve both wanted since we first got together. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy as we had just got back together after having a break for a few months, but we are both more than happy about going through with it. And even though we argue quite a bit with my bad mood swings, we are still a strong couple. To be honest, I think it’s brought us closer together =). I have been asked that as it was basically a mistake getting pregnant, why didn’t I just get rid of it? But I have always been adamant about never having an abortion. I’m not saying I’m against them if someone has reason to do it, then I’m not going to hate them for it, I just personally could never go through with it. I have to say though, whoever said that pregnancy was the best time of their life is lying. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a pain in the arse lol! Although I’ve had no morning sickness, I get the sicky feeling, headaches, stomach aching, backache, dizzy spells. I get the lot!
Anywhoo, enough of my babbling lol =)
Much Love x
Feb. 7th, I found out I was pregnant for the 4th time, just had a baby girl 8/11.
Another baby was impossible mentally and financially. Me and my boyfriend were living in his parent’s house. His mom was a crazy wench. She harassed me constantly. Well, I moved out the day I found out I was pregnant, but that was planned a week before. I moved in with a close friend. But it was only till I could get on my feet, how could that happen with another baby on the way? So a week later, I made the call that would change my life forever. Feb. 19th at about 9 am, my baby was taken from me. I was 6 weeks and 1 day along. I felt in my gut, in my heart, that it was the little boy I could never hold. I named him Zachary Ryan when I really started to grieve for that baby. I was so against abortion and then went and did it anyway. I regret that decision and will for the rest of my life. No one warned me about the mental issues that go along with abortion. I’m so depressed, I cry for my baby EVERYDAY! I developed bulimia. I’ve become very angry. And sex, yeah it doesn’t happen anymore. I got an IUD put in and won’t touch my boyfriend unless there’s protection. Still, there’s no desire. Took me 2 months after my abortion. So far it’s only been 3 times since Feb. I feel so alone, like the only woman who grieves for the baby that I chose to abort. I miss him every day. My due date is coming up next month. It’s going to be a sad day.
To Zachary, I am so so sorry for the decision I made out of fear. If I just sat down and had not listened to anyone, you would’ve been welcomed into our arms next month. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much and regret every day of our lives what we did! Nothing can take it back. I pray every day that you are happy and at peace!
Losing a child is the most painful thing I could have ever imagined…
How could I be such a horrible mother before my child even got the chance to be born? How could I not be more careful? I know it’s my fault & I feel so terrible… I was planning on being the best mommy possible for you. I failed before the challenge even began…
I love you and I wish we had more time together: time to bond, time to love each other, time to become a family…
So my life right now is krazie. I never thought that I would be dealing with all this stuff at the age of 21… I thought I would be chillin’; going to clubs, drinking up a storm, and having freedom… For some reason today, it really hit me. I’m a MOM of 2 beautiful daughters and a wife to the most wonderful husband who is way older than me. Sometimes I have grudges against him because he is going to be 29 in Oct and he lived his life at 21, partied, and had the time of his life…
I’m not saying what I did was a mistake. I just should have waited… I love my kids, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I feel like this wasn’t meant for me. But then again, if it wasn’t for my kids, I would probably be dead at some hotel …. Ahhh……..I don’t know why I feel like this right now. Maybe I’m missing my grandma. She should be here watching my kids grow up and she should have been at my wedding if she could have waited another month.. Mann, I’m keeping so much in it’s not even funniee… I’m at work. It’s only 9:10 pm. I’m off at 10 pm and I want to go home NOW……….. Then I have to wake up at 5 am to get ready for school, which is another thing that is bugging me ….. I know I can do it but it’s just so time-consuming. I could be with my kids …..this is soo kraziee…
Whoever is reading this, you might be confused because I KNOW IAM!!!!!!
