Dear Becky,
I’m 15 years old, and about a month ago I found out I was pregnant. I had been seeing Jim only for 3 months when our baby was conceived. For this whole month, Jim and I had been researching ways I could get an abortion, just so my parents wouldn’t find out I was ever pregnant. After coming to this site, and reading the heartbreaking stories, I decided I could never go through with it. (Thank you by the way) Two days ago I went to my boyfriend’s house, where I talked to him and his mother. His mother was very supportive and helpful. She was actually very excited about being a grandmother. I told her I was scared to tell my parents but she persuaded me to tell them, and to tell them fast, so that night was the night I informed my mother. It was heartbreaking. For almost a whole month, I had been crying and worrying about my parents’ reactions. First I told my mother. We were out on a walk. She fell to the ground crying for at least a half hour. She cried all night, and couldn’t tell my father. (My parents are strict Catholics-virginity before marraige type) Yesterday, my mother went out and bought me a pregnancy test (although I had already taken 3->positives of course.. She had a hard time believing it, unless she saw it with her own eyes) And of course, this one turned out positive too. She broke down crying. She ran in her room; I ran in mine. We stayed in our rooms for at least an hour, devistated; crying to ourselves.
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Dear Becky,
I would like to share my story with you and your readers in hopes that it may touch someone the way that other testimionials have touched me.
In September of 2000 I became pregnant with a guy I had been dating for only three months.I was a full-time nursing student and unemployed.My mother had passed away four years earlier, which left me with only my father.I love and appreciate my father greatly but, in this situation, I feared him.
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Hi Becky,
I had a 2nd trimester abortion,believe me it’s not a nice story. It’s not “you have the abortion and your life is great”. It is one of the most horrific experiences anyone can put themselves through as a woman and there should be no choice.
About 10 months ago, my partner and I decided we wanted to have a baby. It took 3 months for me to fall pregnant (which felt like 3 years). We were so happy we went shopping straight away.
As I am only 19 ( he was 22 then) I knew my mother wouldn’t approve even though she loved my partner like a son and we had a perfect relationship. As I expected she cried when I told her, and not from joy either. But she soon warmed to the idea and started buying little pressies.
Now this is where it all went horribly wrong. I suffer from depression and the pregnancy made me get to the point where I left my job because I just wanted to cry all the time. I would spend hours on end crying and it hurt because I knew I was happy for a short time and I wanted to feel that again.
My partner took me to the doctor and I told him I was depressed and I wanted to know if I could go on anti-depressants while pregnant. He asked no questions, just said that only in the extreme cases would he prescribe medication for depression,and that was that.
I felt at the time my mother was the only one listening to me and so I made a snap decision at 17 weeks to have an abortion.
When I told my partner I laughed as I was so nervous I thoght I was going to cry, throw up and wet my pants all at once. He told me he just wanted me to be happy and it was ok, but i knew he didn’t want me to do it and I wish now he had called me all the names under the sun that I now feel about myself.
It took me 3 weeks to go to the initial doctors visit,and still everybody thought that’s what I wanted. I felt so bad about my decision that I would cry alone and not speak yo my partner at all.
At the first doctors visit I was asked the reason why I wanted an abortion and I replied I was depressed, still I was not offered medication. All I got was a referral to a higher doctor who would set the whole thing up.
My mum took me to my next visit as my partner was at work.I was given a pamphlet of information about the procedure and as I read it in the waiting room I had tears in my eyes and told my mother I didn’t think I could do it. I got no response.
I had an appointment 5 hours away from my home town for 1 week away.
The next week was awful, I drunk alot of alcohol to numb the way I was feeling. I felt depressed and upset all the time and I know the alcohol didn’t help.
My Partner and I drove the 5 hours and booked into a motel. Within half an hour we had our first hospital appointment.
When the doctor asked me if I was sure I couldn’t speak to start with and then I said I was not 100% sure at all.
I asked if I would feel any pain and was told some women feel nothing and remember nothing but most of the time women felt a little pain. All I could think was that the baby would feel it too. I had tears in my eyes and looked at my partner who smiled reassuringly as his loving nature permits him.
The rods were inserted straight after that and I was sent back to the motel to sleep. All I could feel all night was sharp pains and I was hoping the whole time that my baby wasn’t dying yet.
The appointment for the abortion itself wasn’t until next midday. I spent all morning crying and I guess I had finally realized that I didn’t want to kill my baby. But by then it was too late.
At the hospital I was given some pills to take that would dilate my cervix further and told to wait for an hour.
During that hour I had stomach cramps and alot of bleeding.
I was finaly told it was time to go to theatre and that my partner couldn’t come. I burst into tears as I was wheeled down the corridor at the thought of not having him with me to hold my hand. He would never know how painful it was for me and I needed to share that with someone.
The operation itself was awful. I felt everything. The heartbreaking feeling of my waters being broken and having my 18 and a half week old baby ripped out of me piece by broken piece was numbing and all I could hope was that my baby didn’t feel anything that I was feeling.
About 15 minutes later I was taken out of recovery to see my partner. I tried so hard to not let him know of the emptiness I felt where there was only 20 minutes ago a little life that we wanted so badly.
I was bleeding quite a bit and wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital untill I had passed urine, so I went to the toilet as quickly as i could. I felt something come out when I went and looked to see a big clot. I sat on the toilet floor and cried asking myself what I had done.
Anyway to cut the most painful and longest stories of my life short, nothing will ever be the same and I am now more depressed than what I was.
I wake up to look at my partner every morning, knowing what I have done to him and our baby, but also I blame him for letting me do it.
I cry seeing babies on TV and after seeing my friends babies.
I love my mother but hate her for helping me to do one of the worst things in the world. And also I am so mad that 2 doctors let me slip through without hearing me when I told them I was depressed. But most of all I hate myself for forgetting about the strongest moral and belief that I had ever had THAT ABORTION IS WRONG.
Thank you for reading my pain, it has helped to write it.
Carrie
Hi, it’s Becky here.
Thank you so much for being so real; for sharing your experience of what abortion really is and how it has affected you. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you to put it all in writing, but I’m glad you did. At times like this you need to get your feelings out. You can’t keep the pain and anger all bottled up inside. It’s just not healthy. It will surface sometime anyway and it’s better to deal with things sooner, rather than later. Getting things out on paper is a good start.
You need to grieve the loss of this child. Losing someone is a very painful experience. I know. I lost my dad, when he was only 47. That was 5 years ago, and I still deal with anger and depression sometimes. People will wonder why you are reacting the way you are. They can’t understand why you are grieving so deeply. What they don’t understand is that there was already a strong bond being formed between you and your baby, even while he or she was in the womb. You need to give yourself time. You can’t just get over this overnight. Be patient with yourself. Have you named your baby? Sometimes this helps with the grieving.
You are feeling hurt, guilt and pain like you’ve never felt before. You are also feeling anger towards those closest to you and to the doctor’s for letting this all happen. These feelings are all understandable, but you also need to learn to let go of them. Again, be patient with yourself as you learn to forgive yourself and those around you. Ask for help from God. He is our creator. He loves you so much. He is waiting there with open arms. Reach out to him. He will bring you the healing and forgiveness that you so desperately seek.
Also, check out these websites. http://www.afterabortion.org , www.projectrachel.org and http://www.rachelsvineyard.org
You will be in my prayers.
Luv,
Hi. my name is Sara and i am 16 and a junior in high school. I found out i was pregnant on July 24, 2001. I was 15 years old. I had taken a test 4 days prior to that, and it was negative. My mother found out about it and bought another test. i will never forget those agonizing 4 mintutes as me and my mom stared at the test. a faint line showed up and i started crying and saying “its not a line, it cant be a line”. Sure enough it was a line. a line is a line is a line. whether its faint or not. I had already decided that i was going to have this child, there is no way that i could have done anything differently.
Things were very rough the first few weeks. my boyfriend had left for a week for band camp, and i was camping. My dad didnt really talk to me much, i guess the shock was overwhelming. In the beginning of august i started writing letters to my unborn child. At the end of my camping week was when i started to get morning sickness. it was awful. every single morning i would throw up. Then when school started, it was the same routine every day. get up, throw up, take a shower, go to school. School was very difficult. I got alot of looks from people. Many thinking i was lying about being pregnant, and others just staring at me because they felt like it. I only told 2 people, and before i knew it, the entire population knew. (ok, well not the whole population knew, but you get the point). That is why i love the phrase “You cant keep a secret between 3 people unless 2 are dead”. There is so much truth to that. Days went by, and my morning sickness grew very old and felt never ending. Then my clothes began to not fit, and i began to show. First i was pretty small, then out of no where i popped.
There is no way i could have hid my pregnancy if i had wanted to. As i got farther along, the more looks i would get. Then came the heartburn. i went through bottles and bottles of tums. Then in the beginning of November, the 6th to be exact, i had my first ultrasound. I found out that she was healthy, had 10 fingers and 10 toes, and that i was having a girl. i could not have been happier. We had already picked out names, we had them picked out in the very beginning of my pregnancy. I remember feeling her kicks and somersaults. And how amazing it was to know i had this life inside of me. My due date drew closer and i got bigger and bigger.
On April 1st, me and my boyfriends one year anniversary, he proposed to me. I was a blimp so i was sitting on the floor, but it was so sweet. of course i said yes. I got really sick a week before my due date. and about a couple days before i was due i went to the doctor. he gave me cough syrup witn codeine. I had an allergic reaction to it. I itched everywhere. it was awful. This went on for a few days before i went to the hospital. On the 5th of April we went to the hospital at midnight. They did an ultrasound and it showed i had little fluid around the baby. Then the doctor told me they were going to induce me. I wasnt supposed to be in labor until the 7th. but i went into labor on my own after they did these inserts into my cervix to soften it. My contractions never stopped and were so painful. I kept throwing up because i hadnt eaten anything. the nurses all said i was handling the pain very well and i knew how to breathe. i got an epidural when i was 5 centimeters dialated. let me tell you, that man is my BEST FRIEND! I could not feel a thing, and that was great. I feel asleep for about 3 hours and when i woke up i was 8 cm dialated.
WHen i was 10 cm i started pushing. My doc told me it would be 2-3 hours before she would be born. i was like “uh uh”. I had her out in 45 minutes. I tore and i had an Epsiotomy (spelled that wrong). Emily Makayla was born on APril 6th, 2002 at 10:16 pm. The most beautiful child i have ever seen. I could not believe that she is a part of me. Here i am a year later. Emily will be turning a year old a week from sunday. This year has gone by so fast. i do not regret having a child. She has given me a reason to wake up each morning and enjoy life to the fullest. Sure i am young, but that doesnt mean i cant give my daughter the life she deserves. she is amazing. She has such an amazing personality. I love being a mother and i would not trade it for anything in this world. Its hard to believe that i went from being pregnant to being a mother in 11 hours. We are a happy family, and we have lots of support. Its hard, but i love it. I love my family. It was all worth it.
Sara
Dear Sara,
I just really want to encourage you in what you are doing. You are a mother; what nobler profession is there than that? You have given life to a new human being; a new soul exists in this world because of you and your willingness to say “yes”. What a beautiful example you will be to many.
It isn’t always easy, I know, but at least you know that you are doing the right thing. You don’t have to live with huge regrets. You don’t have to deal with the long-term side effects that girls experience after an abortion. You never have to wonder what your baby would have looked like, been like. Instead you get to look into the eyes of your daughter and laugh with her, cry with her, experience life with her. Isn’t that awesome?! I am so thankful that I am allowed to be part of this miracle…this miracle of life.
God bless you and little Emily.
I stared at the 2 pink lines for at least half an hour, I was completely shell-shocked. I had broken up with my boyfriend about a month ago. When I told him he wanted me to have an abortion. When I said I wouldn’t he called me every name under the sun, and threatened to leave the country so that I would not be able to pursue him for child support. I had just turned 21. I was working in Europe, far away from family and friends, but I knew that I could not abort my baby. Not because I was religious but because I had accidentally seen an endoscopic video of an abortion when I was about ten years old. I was watching the baby move around, and then I saw the sharp instruments come in and violently tear it apart. I was shocked. “Why would anyone do that?” I asked my mom, “couldn’t they just give the baby up for adoption?” Anyhow that is what I decided to do.
I lost my job the monday after I found out I was pregnant. I had been temping, and I asked for time off for a prenatal appointment, and I told my boss why. She said “actually I think things weren’t really working out anyways” and gave me one week’s notice. I was not protected by unfair dismissal laws because I was only a temp. Many of my friends said they would get an abortion in my situation. They said, “it’s just a dot, it’s only a lump of cells. You’re so brave, I know I wouldn’t go through with it” I replied to them, “how would killing my baby get me my job back?” On monday I lost my job and sent out my resume, on tuesday I got a phone call for an interview for a job that I had applied for 5 months ago, a job that I really wanted, but had given up on ever hearing back from. Thursday I had the job interview, and the monday right after that I started in my new job. I think that the timing is proof that someone was watching out for me.
All that said, when I was about 4 months pregnant I started to think of this beautiful baby growing up and calling someone else “mom” and it broke my heart. I decided to keep her and raise her myself. If those welfare moms could do it, why couldn’t I?
My 5 month old baby has brought more happiness into my life than clubbing, and drinking possibly could. All the things I had to give up for her are things I am better off without. She has given a meaning to my life, and a drive to succeed, because I want to provide for her and give her the best life I can. I am more disciplined than I ever was, and I have this clarity, I know exactly what I want from life now, and I have the strength to do it. Whereas before I was just partying, and bored with partying at that, it seemed a bit empty at the time, and it seems emptier now. To see her face light up with a smile when she sees me makes me so happy.
I only feel sad for women who are pushed into an abortion, who are told “it’s only a dot, it’s only a lump of cells”
Kathleen
What a beautiful story! You stood up and chose to have your baby despite what anyone around you was saying. Your eyes were opened to the truth at ten years old. You saw what abortion really was, and you saw clearly that that was a baby, not a blob of tissue that was being torn apart. It’s shocking and horrible… there’s no two ways about it. Girls need to be shown the truth. They need to be fully informed, and they aren’t. Abortion providers figure the less girls know, the better. That is the only way they can keep their business going. You stumbled upon the truth by accident, thank goodness, and now you are helping expose that truth by sharing your personal experience. Thank you.
You probably thought things were going to fall apart, and your life was going to be ruined by being pregnant and having a baby. A lot of girls think that. They think they are going to have to give up on everything they ever wanted in life. The really cool this is that you ended up with an even better job, and a more fulfilling life! You are being rewarded for all the sacrifices you have made. That is so awesome! You are doing a wonderful thing. Keep up the good work!
Luv,
Hello Becky. This is my testimonial.
Even though I love the life I have now, I’m still bothered by my past abortion. Here’s my story. It all took place around spring of 99. I was a conceited 26 year-old girl, & I was living with my boyfriend, Jon. We rented a one bedroom house. I didn’t go to college, & I was working at a Conoco gas station, barely making enough money to live off of. & Jon didn’t have a job, so I worked really hard. Jon was into heavy drugs & alcohol. I did a little drinking myself, smoked cigs, & pot. Well, about eight months into our relationship, I started getting sick with nausea, & I thought that I might have the flu. But it didn’t go away for a long time, so I went to the health clinic, & explained how I kept having flu like symptoms. He said something like, “It can’t be the flu, because the flu doesn’t last that long.” & plus, flu season over, but that didn’t occur to me. He started asking me a bunch of questions, & finally the pregnancy question popped up. I never thought about it, & I doubted that it was that, but I took the test anyway, & sure enough, I was pregnant!
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