I had a 2nd trimester abortion,believe me it’s not a nice story. It’s not “you have the abortion and your life is great”. It is one of the most horrific experiences anyone can put themselves through as a woman and there should be no choice.
About 10 months ago, my partner and I decided we wanted to have a baby. It took 3 months for me to fall pregnant (which felt like 3 years). We were so happy we went shopping straight away.
As I am only 19 ( he was 22 then) I knew my mother wouldn’t approve even though she loved my partner like a son and we had a perfect relationship. As I expected she cried when I told her, and not from joy either. But she soon warmed to the idea and started buying little pressies.
Now this is where it all went horribly wrong. I suffer from depression and the pregnancy made me get to the point where I left my job because I just wanted to cry all the time. I would spend hours on end crying and it hurt because I knew I was happy for a short time and I wanted to feel that again.
My partner took me to the doctor and I told him I was depressed and I wanted to know if I could go on anti-depressants while pregnant. He asked no questions, just said that only in the extreme cases would he prescribe medication for depression,and that was that.
I felt at the time my mother was the only one listening to me and so I made a snap decision at 17 weeks to have an abortion.
When I told my partner I laughed as I was so nervous I thoght I was going to cry, throw up and wet my pants all at once. He told me he just wanted me to be happy and it was ok, but i knew he didn’t want me to do it and I wish now he had called me all the names under the sun that I now feel about myself.
It took me 3 weeks to go to the initial doctors visit,and still everybody thought that’s what I wanted. I felt so bad about my decision that I would cry alone and not speak yo my partner at all.
At the first doctors visit I was asked the reason why I wanted an abortion and I replied I was depressed, still I was not offered medication. All I got was a referral to a higher doctor who would set the whole thing up.
My mum took me to my next visit as my partner was at work.I was given a pamphlet of information about the procedure and as I read it in the waiting room I had tears in my eyes and told my mother I didn’t think I could do it. I got no response.
I had an appointment 5 hours away from my home town for 1 week away.
The next week was awful, I drunk alot of alcohol to numb the way I was feeling. I felt depressed and upset all the time and I know the alcohol didn’t help.
My Partner and I drove the 5 hours and booked into a motel. Within half an hour we had our first hospital appointment.
When the doctor asked me if I was sure I couldn’t speak to start with and then I said I was not 100% sure at all.
I asked if I would feel any pain and was told some women feel nothing and remember nothing but most of the time women felt a little pain. All I could think was that the baby would feel it too. I had tears in my eyes and looked at my partner who smiled reassuringly as his loving nature permits him.
The rods were inserted straight after that and I was sent back to the motel to sleep. All I could feel all night was sharp pains and I was hoping the whole time that my baby wasn’t dying yet.
The appointment for the abortion itself wasn’t until next midday. I spent all morning crying and I guess I had finally realized that I didn’t want to kill my baby. But by then it was too late.
At the hospital I was given some pills to take that would dilate my cervix further and told to wait for an hour.
During that hour I had stomach cramps and alot of bleeding.
I was finaly told it was time to go to theatre and that my partner couldn’t come. I burst into tears as I was wheeled down the corridor at the thought of not having him with me to hold my hand. He would never know how painful it was for me and I needed to share that with someone.
The operation itself was awful. I felt everything. The heartbreaking feeling of my waters being broken and having my 18 and a half week old baby ripped out of me piece by broken piece was numbing and all I could hope was that my baby didn’t feel anything that I was feeling.
About 15 minutes later I was taken out of recovery to see my partner. I tried so hard to not let him know of the emptiness I felt where there was only 20 minutes ago a little life that we wanted so badly.
I was bleeding quite a bit and wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital untill I had passed urine, so I went to the toilet as quickly as i could. I felt something come out when I went and looked to see a big clot. I sat on the toilet floor and cried asking myself what I had done.
Anyway to cut the most painful and longest stories of my life short, nothing will ever be the same and I am now more depressed than what I was.
I wake up to look at my partner every morning, knowing what I have done to him and our baby, but also I blame him for letting me do it.
I cry seeing babies on TV and after seeing my friends babies.
I love my mother but hate her for helping me to do one of the worst things in the world. And also I am so mad that 2 doctors let me slip through without hearing me when I told them I was depressed. But most of all I hate myself for forgetting about the strongest moral and belief that I had ever had THAT ABORTION IS WRONG.
Thank you for reading my pain, it has helped to write it.
Hi, it’s Becky here.
Thank you so much for being so real; for sharing your experience of what abortion really is and how it has affected you. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you to put it all in writing, but I’m glad you did. At times like this you need to get your feelings out. You can’t keep the pain and anger all bottled up inside. It’s just not healthy. It will surface sometime anyway and it’s better to deal with things sooner, rather than later. Getting things out on paper is a good start.
You need to grieve the loss of this child. Losing someone is a very painful experience. I know. I lost my dad, when he was only 47. That was 5 years ago, and I still deal with anger and depression sometimes. People will wonder why you are reacting the way you are. They can’t understand why you are grieving so deeply. What they don’t understand is that there was already a strong bond being formed between you and your baby, even while he or she was in the womb. You need to give yourself time. You can’t just get over this overnight. Be patient with yourself. Have you named your baby? Sometimes this helps with the grieving.
You are feeling hurt, guilt and pain like you’ve never felt before. You are also feeling anger towards those closest to you and to the doctor’s for letting this all happen. These feelings are all understandable, but you also need to learn to let go of them. Again, be patient with yourself as you learn to forgive yourself and those around you. Ask for help from God. He is our creator. He loves you so much. He is waiting there with open arms. Reach out to him. He will bring you the healing and forgiveness that you so desperately seek.
You will be in my prayers.