Dear Becky,
I would like to share my story with you and your readers in hopes that it may touch someone the way that other testimionials have touched me.
In September of 2000 I became pregnant with a guy I had been dating for only three months.I was a full-time nursing student and unemployed.My mother had passed away four years earlier, which left me with only my father.I love and appreciate my father greatly but, in this situation, I feared him.
Even though my situation at this time was unstable, I could not help but to feel the joy and excitement of being pregnant, carrying a life within me.The father of my child, however, did not share at all in these emotions.Our contact became nonexistant except for the late night phone calls I received about how I was ruining his life.
If I could have disregarded the persuasion surrounding me and my own fear of my father’s disappointment, I would be a proud mother today instead of being haunted by the decision that I made.
At twelve weeks I made an appointment for an abortion.I had fallen into a deep depression from the stress I was enduring and didn’t know any other way.I was informed by the clinic that my baby was only a “mass of tissue” and neither the baby nor I would endure any pain with the gentle procedure. I thought that I had successfully detached myself emotionally from my baby and that I would experience great relief following the procedure.
The morning of the abortion I was excited that my mental trauma would “disappear”. The father and I arrived at the clinic and I went through the motions as a machine. Although I was able to disguise my emotions, I was truly bothered by the number of other girls that I shared the waiting room with.Nobody seemed to have any emotions.
When the actual procedure began, I remember my ears hurting from the noise of the vacuum and releasing my screams of pain.After the torturous 4-5 minutes, I was taken into a recovery room that made me feel as if I was in a concentration camp.At this point, I was feeling relieved but also evil.
Following the abortion, out of curiousity, I found information and pictures of a twelve week old fetus.By no means was it a “mass of tissue” but a living, moving baby that indeed could feel pain.
I have not come to terms with what I did and constantly have reoccuring nightmares of my baby being dismembered, which in reality, is exactly what had happened.I will never be comfortable with the awful, uneducated decision that I made out of convenience.Though the timing could have been better, that was a child that God had hand-picked to bless me with.I do not believe that God gave me that child with a return policy attached but yet I made the decision to have him killed.
With that baby in my womb, my role has his mother was to protect, love and nuture him and I did everything to go against those responsibilities.It is a difficult situation to ignore, and I often cry from the haunting memories wondering if my child would or could ever forgive me.For awhile, I wondered the same about God but feel that I have been blessed with his forgiveness.
I am 23 now and in a two year relationship.I am also happily four months pregnant. When we first found out,I was instantly attacked by the same fear towards my father.Out of this fear, again I scheduled an appointment and immediately cancelled it.My supportive boyfriend, after enduring my tears and guilt from my past decision, helped me to realize my strength. It took me three weeks to find the courage to confront my father and feared the worst considering I still live with him. I expected very hurtful and hateful words, but to my surprise, I did not receive them. There was alot of stillness and quietness, but when he did talk, out came the words of a loving father.He inquired on how I was feeling and if I had been to the doctor yet.He brought up the subject of adoption but also told me that the decision was up to me.I broke down and confessed to the abortion appointment that I had scheduled, and to my surprise, I discovered that my father does not support abortion.Although that statement brought upon guilt for my last decision, it provided me with alot of hope and support for the responsible decision this time.
It has been two months since I shared my secret with my father and family.My father has agreed that since I will be attending school full-time for dental hygiene, that his grandchild and I are still welcome to live in his home until I am able to make a good life for my baby. My family has been extremely supportive offering books, toys and clothes. It seems that the excitement is contagious.
I have seen my baby through an ultrasound at twelve weeks, I watched joyfully as he/she waved and kicked with a strong heartbeat in the little chest.The ultrasound picture stays with me always.My baby is the first person that I say good morning to every morning.Although I will never forget what happened to my previous child, I could not be more thankful for the one that is now being protected, loved and nutured through my body.
To anyone who may be reading this, please understand that I am familiar with all of the mixed emotions you are feeling.If you are negotiating with the thought of an abortion, I suggest you visit as many websites as possible to gain the knowledge and understanding that you need.Just because you don’t know the facts, doesn’t mean that they are not true.If your fear is of your parents, please do not underestimate them. Their love for you is unconditional just as yours will be for your child. Also, please know that the easiest part of an abortion may be the actual procedure.It is the days, weeks and years following that are the hardest.Take the time to explore all of your options including adoption.Any decision beats the one of abortion!
With All of My Support, Brittany
Brittany | angelic7one3@yahoo.com
Dear Brittany,
Thank you for your honesty and openness. I’m sure everyone who reads your story will come away with something different…they will have their eyes opened to the reality of what abortion is and how it can affect the mother.
I’m so happy to hear that you have been brought to a place of healing. God’s mercy and forgiveness are so awesome. I’ve totally experienced them in my life, too.
Your father sounds like a really awesome person. It is so wonderful that he is so willing to give you the support you need. Just take things moment by moment. Don’t try and look too far into the future, or you might get overwhelmed. Focus on the here and now…taking care of yourself and your baby. Work towards your goals, but don’t worry. You can do this.You are a mother…you will be given all that a mother needs to love and care for her baby. Take care!
