October 17 was so unforgettable to me. I will never forget this day.
Early that morning, I went walking outside our house because before that night, I went on bleeding. My mom was excited so she let me walk outside. I ate breakfast early and took my bath. By 10 o’clock in the morning, exactly after my bath, I felt pain in my abdomen. I told my mom about it and they rushed me to the hospital. I kept on praying in the emergency room and the doctor did I.E. to me and it was about 6 cm. They put I.V. to me and they led me to the Delivery room. By 11 o’clock, my doctor went to the delivery room and let me get my urine sample. And she did I.E. to me again and it was 8 cm. She popped my bag of water and she left me lying in the bed for about 12 noon. Then the delivery started. I felt pain and for about 23 minutes, the baby went out. I cried because I saw her beautiful eyes looking at me and I was very happy. Tears of joy went out of my eyes. After 1 day, I went out of the hospital and she went out after 2 days.
I could not believe that I had a beautiful girl..♥
This morning, I crawled into my son’s bed, I had just gotten home from dropping my daughter off at school and had a few minutes to snuggle before I had to get him up and ready for his school day.
I could tell he was awake, but he pretended to still be asleep just to take advantage of the snuggle time… When I snuggled up to him, he turned to the side to where I was spooning him…LOL… I reached my arm up and wrapped around him to where my right hand rested on his heart. As I lay there, I could feel his little heart pound away and I got to thinking. That the heart that I was feeling so powerful against my hand, the heart that was pounding so strong that I could hear it with my head laying on the pillow next to him, that same heart used to be so tiny and at one point couldn’t be heard even with medical equipment.
Yet, it was there beating and pounding away, even before his lungs were formed, before he had fingers, a nose, his beautiful long eyelashes… His heart was there thumping away… Nothing changed once he came out, his heart kept thumping. It has obviously never stopped from the moment it started. It has grown to circulate more blood through his now 5 year old body but other than that, nothing has changed… It just struck me that he really is that same little tiny being that took up space in my tummy and that scared me so badly when I saw the plus sign… It is him, he is here, and has been for 5 years now, but the magnitude of that has still not completely sank in… He was not planned and I was so not ready to be a single mom to yet another child. He already had an older sister. I was scared, poor, and already struggling, yet when I saw that test turn positive, I saw this green eyed little boy in my mind. He came out just as I saw him…that little heart still beating. At a point in my womb when he looked anything but like a baby, his heart was visible, like a little flicker going from black to white on the screen. Even though he looked like a little amoeba, his heart was noticeably a heart even though nothing else was an obvious part and that same little tiny heart still beats in him and it just makes me stop in awe and wonder and think about how amazing that really is…
So I’m 16 and pregnant. When I first found out that I was going to be a mother, I was scared to death.
I didn’t know what to think. But I went to the doctor’s to figure out if the home test was right and it was. I then switched my doctor over to my OB-GYN. I told him I didn’t know how far along I was so he sent me two mayo and came to find out I was 8 weeks and 5 days. I got to see and listen to my baby’s heartbeat and for some reason, that made being pregnant not such a bad thing. It helped me realize everything would be okay. So my due date is May 26. I had my 13-week appointment with my doctor and when he went to find the heartbeat, he couldn’t find it. That was the scariest thing I think I’ve ever been through. I grew to love my baby and the thought I could lose it was so sad. He set me up for an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. The baby’s father went with me and supported me and was there to see his baby for the first time ever. We were both hoping and praying for the best and that’s what we got. We could see the baby moving all around and once it stayed still, we could see the little flickering heartbeat and than the sound. It felt so good to hear the sound and to know everything was alright. I found out that I’m now 13 weeks and 1 day…
Now I’m 14 weeks, 5 days and cant wait to find out what my little one is =]…… I’m in love with being a mom.
So; not only did I see the father of my baby and my current boyfriend last night but my baby kicked!!!
It wasn’t strong, but his father came to tell us it was dinner and he banged on the door. We were cuddling and he had his arm on my stomach. When his dad banged on the door (as a joke), it didn’t scare me…but there was a huge kick against my stomach… My boyfriend’s face was filled with amazement and shock. It was like the baby became real right then… It was amazing. I started crying and he started rubbing my belly, telling the baby that “it was OK, cause it was just grandpa calling us for dinner.” And then he asked whether or not I was hungry… Of course, the baby started kicking. We talked the rest of the night to each other and to the baby, just asking it to kick for mommy and daddy. Each time taking separate turns to see if the baby would kick. To just make sure it was real.
Then he did the most out-of-the-blue thing ever!!!! He got on one knee and proposed!!!!! The ring is gorgeous!!! Before I said yes, I had to make sure that he wasn’t asking me just cause I was pregnant. His response was simple- “I’m proposing because I want to be with you. I wasn’t gonna propose till a couple days before I left for college-this baby just pushing the engagement forward. Is that OK?? I want you to be mine…no matter the choice I make. And now we’ll have the baby with us.” I was crying the entire time…and of course I said YES!!!!!! I can’t believe I’m engaged!!! And pregnant. The baby and I have been up most of the night cause I couldn’t sleep but the baby was just moving so much.
Guess I gotta get use to it. Yay for me!!!
I dunno what to do anymore. Everytime I turn around, it seems like there’s a new problem confronting me.
Over the weekend, my boyfriend and I tried to discuss whether or not he should go to college or not. Well, it only ended in me crying, cause well (stupid hormones) everything gets exaggerated when I’m feeling upset. He means the world to me. If only he could help me raise this baby and get his college degree at the same time. But that would entail me moving 7 & 1/2 hours away from my friends and family. His family. And the beautiful scenery… What to do…??
I dunno, but what I do know is that this pregnancy is taking so much of my energy. I’m tired and I just wanna sleep. School is hard as it is…but now, with the looks I get and the workload from the teachers (cause I gotta stay caught up to graduate), I seem to just be falling. If only there was a fairy godmother to do my work for me… Then I could focus on my baby-and boyfriend.
*sigh* I’ll deal though, I’ll deal.
So here I am again…
Really, if I got a pound/dollar every time that phrase went through my head or rang true to my circumstances, I would be very wealthy right now…=)
I want to smile, but I can’t. This gets continuously increasingly confusing for me. Every time I find myself back in this place.
Why can’t I just be normal and not want this??
