When I was 19, I felt I had the right to do whatever I wanted because I was legally an adult. I became involved with a young man and when we dated and had sex, sometimes we would have protection and sometimes we did not. One of those times we did not use any.
Events rolled out-of-control from there. I was still living at my parents’ house and going to college and working at a minimum wage job. I thought my mom would at least emotionally support me after the shock of telling her that I was pregnant, but that is not what happened.
When I told her, she went white in the face and then bought a home pregnancy test, which turned out positive. After a few days later, I passed by the kitchen and she heard me. She then said, “I guess you will have to have an abortion.”
My world totally collapsed. I really did not want to have an abortion. I went to her for alternative support and she failed me. If I had of had someone to go to…..another person with some emotional backbone to tell me that I could be pregnant, then I would have despite the pressure of family and the imagined shame while still going to church.
I think that it was the church attitude that frightened her more than anything. Here I was a Christian and pregnant without a husband. She was shamed because of that. Therefore, I had to hide her shame.
After she made her decision for me, I made all the preparations. Finding a clinic, making an appointment, and going to the clinic to have an abortion.
That morning, I said to myself, “I am pregnant. Tonight you will not be anymore.” I felt very sad.
I drove there and then proceeded to go through their process. Making sure I had adequate protection for birth control when I was finally out. Making sure I had adequate Valium for the procedure. “The procedure.” What a name? It is not so much of a procedure than it is a vacuum being shoved up into the womb and sucking everything out. AND IT HURTS!!!!!!!!! No amount of Valium could make up for that kind of pain!
After the 30-second procedure was done, I vomited on the table. They then led me to the recovery room where the other women and young women were. Recovering from the pain. The cramping doesn’t stop after the machine has turned off. The cramping continues until it is dulled and then you may go home.
The abortion not only took my baby’s life that day, it also took away my ability to have children ever again. I did not know that then. Many of my friends who have had abortions have had children, but on that day with me, there were problems. You see the machine that scraped out my uterus also scraped so much that it left heavy scar tissue. This is called Asherman’s Syndrome. When an egg is fertilized, it wants to be implanted within the uterine lining. Well, my uterine wall is too scarred up.
I had a surgery done a while ago to confirm my suspicions of infertility. And that is what was diagnosed. Not only did I lose a child but I also lost the chance of ever becoming a mother.
Regret is an emotion I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I have had help. A group called Healing Encouragement for Abortion Related Trauma (HEART) has helped me with my emotional, spiritual and physical pain that I have had to come to terms with. This group is also called PACE (Post Abortion Counseling and Education).
I encourage any of you that are pregnant, please stop and think. This is not a time to panic. You do have time. Find people to help you. They are out there. If you want to have a child like I wanted to have my child don’t let those negative influences get to you. Find a way to solve and not live a lifetime of regret.
If you are a woman who has had an abortion I strongly encourage you to seek out post-abortion counseling. Even if you think that you are “fine”. Even if you have said to God, “Please forgive me.” and He has. Great. But remember this: forgiveness and healing are two separate words. Forgiveness is immediate but healing takes a lifetime.
Thanks for reading this.
With blessings and love on this journey we call “life”
Sheryl | sheryldea1@juno.com
Dearest Sheryl,
I had to step away from my desk before replying because I weep for you. My heart so breaks for you … but I was also riveted because – your story is a little similar to mine. All the way from the first line – year, month, and age. Here is my story:
http://www.standupgirl.com/beckys-story-video.html
I now teach the PACE study at my church in southern California and I refer many women on this site to a place where they are able to find the same study and healing also. Now known as “Forgiven and Set Free”.
However – I don’t believe I have ever spoken to a woman that is in the same place I am today. May I share with you my dear friend Sheryl – that though the Lord has not chosen to give us a child today – It truly is His choice.
The fact that you or I do not have children today adds to our testimony’s but it is not impossible for Him to bless us with a baby one day adding to our testimonies (He gives us beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning). I often think of it this way … though I am living with the choices that I made, and my heart so yearns to have a baby today, if my empty arms saves a baby’s life, it’s OK.
Even though we have never met and this is a short, first-time correspondence between the two of us – I feel like I know you.
I will pray for you, Sheryl. May God give you His comfort and His peace along your pilgrim’s journey.
Luv -Lisa
Becky and Lisa | dearbecky@standupgirl.com
I appreciate your website. Eighteen years ago I unexpectedly became pregnant after I married my second husband. He had two children and I had a five-year -old daughter. I knew the night I became pregnant. He urged me to get the morning after pill, so I called Planned Parenthood.
I told them the time it happened and they suggested that I was stupid for waiting so long.
Sure enough, two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. My husband harassed me day and night about the baby. How were we going to handle a fourth child. Now, we were both working and were very well paid. It got to the point I couldn’t take it any longer, so I called Planned Parenthood again.
I made an appointment for an abortion, scheduled for the very last day for an early abortion, twelve weeks. I felt it was the only choice that I had because of the constant pressure from my husband. Here I was getting rid of a child and I was already a mother.
How could I look at my daughter and tell her that her little brother or sister deserved to die because he or she didn’t fit in with future retirement plans or the fact that the older kids had to go to college. Who cared if this baby had a future? I cared and couldn’t face a future with empty arms and a broken heart. I cancelled my appointment on the day of the scheduled abortion.
If my husband wanted to kick me so be it. My child would have a chance to live.
Twenty weeks later I gave birth to my second and last child. She was born at 32 weeks and had a very rough start in life. She had heart surgery and went through a variety of therapies. School was a struggle for her for many years. But praise God she lived. After her birth, I met so many mothers who had lost their babies born earlier or later than my daughter. I considered her a miracle for surviving her difficult start in life.
I’m so happy to say that she is graduating from high school this June. I can’t imagine walking the streets or seeing other kids her age and wondering about her. I will attend her graduation this year and I’ll pray for the parents all over this country who are missing their children’s graduation ceremony because their children had no chance at life. I’ll weep at this graduation just as I did at my older daughter’s graduation for the children who never had a choice to go to school or graduate.
I’m still married and our daughter is the apple of her father’s eye. She is the only child he has raised from birth. If I can say one thing to any girl or woman considering abortion. Take it one day a time. You’ll get through it. Don’t let the pressure from other people force you to an action you’ll regret for the rest of your life. Cry out to the Lord , He’s there for you. When your child was conceived, God knew all about him or her. He has wonderful plans for you and for your child. God always provides a way, it may not be your plan, but He is there to see you through.
Mary
Dearest Mary – how beautiful your story is.
Thank you so very much for sharing your story. What a joy it must be to seeyour beautiful daughter graduate and I imagine when you see her give birth to her first child … you will be in awe again. Every milestone is a blessing
from the Lord to see His perfect plan unfold in this precious life.
God bless you
Luv Lisa
Dear Becky — Hi, my name is Kortni. I was 14 years old when I found out I was pregnant. I had been raped by my brothers best friend, on June 13, 2003. I knew I was pregnant before I even took the tests. Just to be sure, I took one E.P.T and it came out positive. My heart sank, but then I thought to myself, oh these tests are only 99% accurate…I could be that 1%. A few days later I took another EPT test. It also came out positive. That’s when the tears started to fall. One by one they slowly rolled down my cheeks. I went and sat in my room and cried, just thinking about it…I’m 14 years old and I’m pregnant. I sat there and thought about it for along time. I can’t be pregnant… I’m just about to start high school, and what will the kids at school say? What’ll my family and friends think of me?
But then I thought, how could I ever end the life of an innocent child? Its not my babies fault that I got raped. I was really scared to tell anyone, so I didn’t, I kept it bottled up, until one day, I snapped and I broke down and told my mom everything.
She immediately called the police to start an investigation on the man who assaulted me. I felt so violated, not only had I just been sexually assaulted, but now I had serveral doctors poking and prodding ‘down there’. All kinds of tests were being done. It was so scary, and I felt so alone. I had no one. It was just me and the baby inside me.
I was also really scared about my dad finding out, I thought he would hit me or disown me.
So, lets fast forward a little bit..it’s about mid July now, and I was actually begining to get a little pooch, my stomach was hard… my chest was swollen and sensitive… I was tired all the time.I also had horrible emotional problems. Everything made me cry.
I knew that I had to make a decision about my baby now, before it got past the 1st trimester. I had 2 choices, abort or keep. I weighed the consequences of both. At the time, the consequences of having the baby seemed greater than those of aborting. So, I called Planned Parenthood, and set up an abortion for August 8, 2003. I didn’t get any sleep the night before the abortion.
When I walked into the clinic, I was immediatly scared. My heart raced, my hands sweated, my stomach turned. I was paralyzed with fear. I looked around, and there were lots of people there, from all diferent walks of life. Some dressed very nice, and sat straight up. Others were dressed in farm clothes, while others still, were in sweats. After checking in, I sat down, when I looked up, across from me was sitting a women who must have been atleast 6 months pregnant. I couldn’t even look at her. It made me hurt.
Finally they called my name and I was taken to a room with a counsellor. She asked me all sorts of questions, but she never asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. She never discussed other options with me. She just asked me what some of my fears were, and I told her my bigges fear was how I would feel after the abortion. The lady told me that all that would feel is releif, and that not many women feel regret.
Finally, I was taken into a white room. It was cold in there. It did not seem like a comforting place.The nurse asked me to take off my bottoms, so I did. I sat up on the table for what seemed like an eternity to wait for the doctor. Finally, a man in a white overcoat came in and introduced himself to me, and told me that I was going to
feel cramps and that was about it ( I was having a suction abortion).
Before he began the procedure they took an ultrasound. I asked if I could see and they told me that it was best that I didn’t. I asked if they could tell the sex of the baby yet and they told me it was too soon to tell.
The doctor began the abortion. As I lay there on my back, emotions flooded my heart. All I could think about
was “oh my god, I’m vaccuming my baby away”. When the doctor told me it would only be about 2 more minutes I started to cry. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I put my hand on my stomach, and it was soft again. I cried silently. I knew then, that I had killed my own child.
After the procedure, I was taken into a room and given cookies and juice. I just couldn’t keep anything down, I was sick to my stomach. I kept feeling my stomach and it was soft…my baby was gone…forever.
Fast Forward. Its now January 2004. I am now 17 days away from what would have been my due date. My baby would’ve been born the day before Valentines day. I know that Valentines day for me this year is going to be very hard.
I remember the lady telling me that I would only feel relief. She was wrong. I feel like she lied to me. Ever since the abortion I have felt nothing but regret. I miss my baby. If I could turn back time I would, and I would keep my baby. I have nightmares now, about my baby. He comes to me, he’s a little blonde haired, green eyed boy. He has my eyes. He tells me that he misses me, and we wants to be with me. And every time I reach out to touch him, I get really close, and then I fall, and wake up in tears.
Right now, if any of my friends were to ever consider abortion I would tell them not to do it, because I went through it, and it’s not going to make all your problems go away, it’ll only make them worse. It’ll make you feel worse about yourself.
Kortni
My dear Kortni,
My name is Lisa and I help Becky at the Stand-up Girl website with some of the e-mail that is received. I hope you don’t mind if I e-mail you.
Firstly, I am also a “Stand-Up Girl” as you are now a Stand-Up Girl. Here is a link to my specific testimony so you know where I am coming from. http://www.standupgirl.com/dearbecky/news-archive-12-10-2003.html
I have to say – out of all the girls that I have talked to or read e-mails from … yours made me have to leave my desk and weep for you. Though (if you have read my story yet) my heart has been healed, your story brought
my experience back too … as if it were just yesterday again. May I say Kortni – you are not alone in your experience. As you saw on this website, there is woman after woman that regrets her abortion.
There are steps that you CAN take toward healing your broken heart my friend and I hope that I can help direct you where to take these steps. Please Kortni, don’t let this just ‘hide in your heart’ for the next 10 years
like I did. Deal with it now. Here is a hyperlink to a site that if you go to it, you can click on the state you are located at and then find a local Crisis Pregnancy place and call them. Ask them if they have “Post
Abortive Recovery” groups and sign up as soon as you can. Let’s get you through the steps to help you recover. But also, share the truth with others. Maybe God will use you to share the truth with someone else that is considering this.
Let me know if I can do anything else. I’m in California -and I’ll be thinking about you and I’ll say a prayer for you.
Take care my dear.
Luv Lisa
Dear Becky,
I came across your site quite by accident. Your video captured my interest and I read a few of the stories. I can relate to many of the issues these girls are talking about.
My life was great. I was attending an Ivy League college, had a wonderful fiancé, and a supportive family. Then I found out I was pregnant. I was 19. Instinctively, I had known long before that I was pregnant, but was naive in thinking that if I ignored it, then it would disappear. Well, it didn’t.
My fiancé looked at the pregnancy test first. I remember he asked me what two blue lines meant. I just started to cry. I knew that my life would change in so many ways that I hadn’t expected to experience for several years. But through my worrisome tears, I had the calming feeling that everything would be okay in the end.
I took a second pregnancy test at the hospital just to be sure. It was positive. As soon as the doctor told us the results, he immediately requested for me to have an abortion. He even went as far as to ask the doctor when an appointment could be scheduled. He, of course, wanted it to be taken care of as soon as possible before anyone knew. I was devastated that the same person whom I had planned to marry in a few months was so adamant about, as he phrased it, “killing it”. Needless to say, he was kicked to the curb in no time.
Now, not only was I pregnant, I was also alone. I told my parents that I was going to be having a baby. There was an uneasy silence as they digested the news. Then, my father looked at me and said, “Well, it will be nice having a baby around the house again.” At that very moment, I knew that my baby and I would be just fine.
My son, Matthew Dylan, just turned two in December. He is the love of my life and the most powerful motivation for me to succeed in life. I will shortly be finishing my degree in Speech Pathology and have purchased land on which to build a home.
I do a lot of things that people my age don’t even know exist. My son and I are involved in play groups, Mother Goose Time, a local library program, and Kindermusik, a musical program for young children. My Saturday nights are spent playing in the sandbox or reading “Bear Snores On”. I even started my own registered child care program in order to stay home with my son and to be sure that he was being exposed to the best developmental and educational activities. I could not be happier.
Having my son was the most rewarding experience of my life and I know that there are many others out there that feel the same way I do about their children. I know that sometimes people look down on young, single mothers as if they were completely incapable of caring for a child. The fact is, a good mother can a be a woman of any age. Age is closely associated with maturity, but that doesn’t mean that it defines it.
To all the other girls out there that are pregnant and confused; there is a miracle happening inside you right at this moment. Imagine looking into the eyes of your newborn child for the first time and feeling the warmth of his little body against yours. Please do not deny yourself that experience.
Melissa
Dear Melissa,
Thank you for your letter. The fear that I would be rejected by my parents when they found out I was pregnant was just so paralyzing for me. Wasn’t it just such a relief for you to finally tell your parents? I think that was one of the most frightening things I’ve ever had to do in my life! Once they knew, and I knew I had their support, things got a lot easier for me. I felt much more free and able to carry on and do what I needed to do.
I think it’s so awesome to hear how you’ve gone on to finish your education, and how your son has been such a motivation for you to succeed in life. I’ve heard that from many other girls, too. Having my baby has enriched my life so much. I have learned so many things about myself and about life….things that I don’t think I would have learned otherwise.
The love that a mother has for her child is indescribable. I am so thankful to be able to experience the gift of motherhood. Yes, it came sooner than I would have planned maybe… but I can’t imagine my life without my beautiful daughter. I don’t have any regrets. She has brought such joy and fulfillment to my life.
I wish you and your son much happiness in your life together!
Contact Becky
Becky,
Your website address was in my church’s bulletin this week, and I am so glad that I visited your site. It is amazing how one person can positively touch the lives of many. My sister was that person for me.
I became pregnant at 19, and I was very alone. My boyfriend’s option was abortion, and when I wouldn’t agree, he abandoned us. I had no idea how I was going to support myself and my baby, or how I was going to finish college and accomplish the high goals I had set out for myself. Success was so important for me; I had just graduated a year before as valedictorian of my high school. I only knew what was in my heart, and that the love I had for my unborn baby was tremendous. My mother ended up kicking me out of my parents house over a quarrel unrelated to the pregnancy. I moved in with my sister and her family.
I was so confused and afraid. I didn’t tell anyone for a while, even my sister. I went to the doctor regularly, but I just couldn’t tell anyone for fear that they would be disappointed with me. Luckily, I finally told my sister and her husband and they were very supportive. Instead of judging me for my “failure”, my sister and brother-in-law actually congratulated me!
It wasn’t so easy to tell my parents. My mother started yelling while my dad cried. It was such a surprise to them!
My sister taught me how to love and appreciate your children, and how to be a good parent. My nephew had just been born, so I learned all of the baby basics first hand. My sister was my lamaze coach, and I do not know how I could have gone through labor without her. My brother-in-law video taped the pregnancy and my father was in the delivery room. My dad was the first one to hold my son, and their bond has been huge ever since.
After I stopped crying looking at the result of that pregnancy test, I became overwhelmed with the fantastic idea of a little being growing inside me. I was depressed during the pregnancy, but I had so many positive things in my life to even it out. Not everyone is as fortunate, not seeing the good out of the situation.
Labor was neither fun, nor bearable, but so extremely worth the sacrifice. It is so hard to explain the love that I have for my son to people who do not have children. I love him like I take a breath; it is so natural and necessary for me to live. He has improved my life beyond words. I am no longer selfish and self-destructive. I try to see the good out of everyone and every situation. He can change my mood with a simple smile or “mommy, I love you.” I would do it all over again without hesitation.
I have never received any support, financial or otherwise from my son’s father. Somehow I managed. While it took my seven years to graduate college, I did and can’t imagine being any happier if I had finished in four. There are no limitations on what you can accomplish if your goals are for love.
I hope that just one person is able to hear my story and at least reconsider what choices they have. I had always been pro-choice until I dreamt I was pregnant in high school. Just knowing that the baby was growing inside me changed my standpoint and my life.
Success-driven women and teens are so quick to turn off their emotions and do the “logical” thing. Logic plays no role in love. One question to ask yourself is if you will be able to live with decision in ten years?
Shannon
Dear Shannon,
Your story is just so uplifting! Thank you for sharing it with me. It is so full of hope and encouragement.
You stood up for what you knew was right and God has blessed you for it! What seemed to be an impossible situation has been turned into something beautiful. You were able to reconcile with your family. How wonderful. Your
sister and her husband were there when you most needed them. They must be really special people. Finding support can be very difficult, but it is SO important! We really need to pray for the girls out there who don’t have any
support and reach out to them in any way we can.
You also went on to finish university. What an awesome accomplishment that is! You were able to achieve the goals you had set out. Many girls think that they have to give that all up if they have a baby. You have proven that
to be untrue!
You made the right decision and you have been and will continue to be blessed.
I am confused because I just realized yesterday that my period should have started a week ago, and it is NEVER off because I am on birth control. I do not know if I am pregnant yet, but I do know that i am so scared. I am almost in tears just sitting here writing this, even if I am not pregnant I can now relate to the real pain and confusion of millions of girls out there right now, wondering am I pregnant?
What is going to happen to me”, and “will I make it?
My only advice at this time, and what I have come to realize in the last couple hours of googling pregnancy symptoms and asking google tons of questions, is that acceptance is the first step. when I get home from vacation with my boyfriends family the first thing we will do is go to the health department and get tested if I have not already started my period.
If I am pregnant…. first off I need to accept it… I pray I am not pregnant because I have a full ride to a junior college as a freshman this coming year and my boyfriend is a junior at a four year college about an hour away. So I will have to be alone mostly.
If you are reading this and you think you might be pregnant, don’t give up hope.. please.. just take a test and if it is positive, you be positive as well!
DO NOT THINK IT IS THE END OF YOUR LIFE!
What good will that do?
Why not make the best of everything?
