Dear Becky — Hi, my name is Kortni. I was 14 years old when I found out I was pregnant. I had been raped by my brothers best friend, on June 13, 2003. I knew I was pregnant before I even took the tests. Just to be sure, I took one E.P.T and it came out positive. My heart sank, but then I thought to myself, oh these tests are only 99% accurate…I could be that 1%. A few days later I took another EPT test. It also came out positive. That’s when the tears started to fall. One by one they slowly rolled down my cheeks. I went and sat in my room and cried, just thinking about it…I’m 14 years old and I’m pregnant. I sat there and thought about it for along time. I can’t be pregnant… I’m just about to start high school, and what will the kids at school say? What’ll my family and friends think of me?
But then I thought, how could I ever end the life of an innocent child? Its not my babies fault that I got raped. I was really scared to tell anyone, so I didn’t, I kept it bottled up, until one day, I snapped and I broke down and told my mom everything.
She immediately called the police to start an investigation on the man who assaulted me. I felt so violated, not only had I just been sexually assaulted, but now I had serveral doctors poking and prodding ‘down there’. All kinds of tests were being done. It was so scary, and I felt so alone. I had no one. It was just me and the baby inside me.
I was also really scared about my dad finding out, I thought he would hit me or disown me.
So, lets fast forward a little bit..it’s about mid July now, and I was actually begining to get a little pooch, my stomach was hard… my chest was swollen and sensitive… I was tired all the time.I also had horrible emotional problems. Everything made me cry.
I knew that I had to make a decision about my baby now, before it got past the 1st trimester. I had 2 choices, abort or keep. I weighed the consequences of both. At the time, the consequences of having the baby seemed greater than those of aborting. So, I called Planned Parenthood, and set up an abortion for August 8, 2003. I didn’t get any sleep the night before the abortion.
When I walked into the clinic, I was immediatly scared. My heart raced, my hands sweated, my stomach turned. I was paralyzed with fear. I looked around, and there were lots of people there, from all diferent walks of life. Some dressed very nice, and sat straight up. Others were dressed in farm clothes, while others still, were in sweats. After checking in, I sat down, when I looked up, across from me was sitting a women who must have been atleast 6 months pregnant. I couldn’t even look at her. It made me hurt.
Finally they called my name and I was taken to a room with a counsellor. She asked me all sorts of questions, but she never asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. She never discussed other options with me. She just asked me what some of my fears were, and I told her my bigges fear was how I would feel after the abortion. The lady told me that all that would feel is releif, and that not many women feel regret.
Finally, I was taken into a white room. It was cold in there. It did not seem like a comforting place.The nurse asked me to take off my bottoms, so I did. I sat up on the table for what seemed like an eternity to wait for the doctor. Finally, a man in a white overcoat came in and introduced himself to me, and told me that I was going to
feel cramps and that was about it ( I was having a suction abortion).
Before he began the procedure they took an ultrasound. I asked if I could see and they told me that it was best that I didn’t. I asked if they could tell the sex of the baby yet and they told me it was too soon to tell.
The doctor began the abortion. As I lay there on my back, emotions flooded my heart. All I could think about
was “oh my god, I’m vaccuming my baby away”. When the doctor told me it would only be about 2 more minutes I started to cry. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I put my hand on my stomach, and it was soft again. I cried silently. I knew then, that I had killed my own child.
After the procedure, I was taken into a room and given cookies and juice. I just couldn’t keep anything down, I was sick to my stomach. I kept feeling my stomach and it was soft…my baby was gone…forever.
Fast Forward. Its now January 2004. I am now 17 days away from what would have been my due date. My baby would’ve been born the day before Valentines day. I know that Valentines day for me this year is going to be very hard.
I remember the lady telling me that I would only feel relief. She was wrong. I feel like she lied to me. Ever since the abortion I have felt nothing but regret. I miss my baby. If I could turn back time I would, and I would keep my baby. I have nightmares now, about my baby. He comes to me, he’s a little blonde haired, green eyed boy. He has my eyes. He tells me that he misses me, and we wants to be with me. And every time I reach out to touch him, I get really close, and then I fall, and wake up in tears.
Right now, if any of my friends were to ever consider abortion I would tell them not to do it, because I went through it, and it’s not going to make all your problems go away, it’ll only make them worse. It’ll make you feel worse about yourself.
My dear Kortni,
My name is Lisa and I help Becky at the Stand-up Girl website with some of the e-mail that is received. I hope you don’t mind if I e-mail you.
Firstly, I am also a “Stand-Up Girl” as you are now a Stand-Up Girl. Here is a link to my specific testimony so you know where I am coming from. https://www.standupgirl.com/dearbecky/news-archive-12-10-2003.html
I have to say – out of all the girls that I have talked to or read e-mails from … yours made me have to leave my desk and weep for you. Though (if you have read my story yet) my heart has been healed, your story brought
my experience back too … as if it were just yesterday again. May I say Kortni – you are not alone in your experience. As you saw on this website, there is woman after woman that regrets her abortion.
There are steps that you CAN take toward healing your broken heart my friend and I hope that I can help direct you where to take these steps. Please Kortni, don’t let this just ‘hide in your heart’ for the next 10 years
like I did. Deal with it now. Here is a hyperlink to a site that if you go to it, you can click on the state you are located at and then find a local Crisis Pregnancy place and call them. Ask them if they have “Post
Abortive Recovery” groups and sign up as soon as you can. Let’s get you through the steps to help you recover. But also, share the truth with others. Maybe God will use you to share the truth with someone else that is considering this.
Let me know if I can do anything else. I’m in California -and I’ll be thinking about you and I’ll say a prayer for you.
Take care my dear.