So much is going on in my life right now!!! Well, I got accepted into college for the fall.. Which is great and hopefully, I can get my little man into daycare at that point. If not, I’m sure my dad will watch him till I can get him in…
My mom is home now… Only for 6 months or something stupid like that… She’s engaged to a guy who lives in the States (we live in Canada). She’s marrying him and moving out there and I hate it. I’m almost 19 and I have a 9-month-old and I start college after the summer… I need my mom. I feel like she’s abandoning me and I don’t want her to miss my little man’s second Christmas like she did his first…
Me and my boyfriend live with his mom and his mom’s boyfriend… We have to look for our own place in June… How do they expect us to afford it?… I have no clue… And to top it all off, my period is like a week late… I took a test a day after my period was due and it came out negative, so I don’t know if I’m not pregnant or if I am and it’s just too soon to detect it… I’m just trying to wait it out a little and see if my period is simply late or if I have to take another test…
If I’m pregnant again, how am I going to take care of a 1-year-old and a newborn and go to school and work all at the same time?
This may be long, but I feel hopeless and any advice would be great!! In September, I found out I was pregnant with my boyfriend of 3 years. I am 20 and my boyfriend is 23. When I found out, I was totally freaked out, but kind of excited at the same time. When I told him, he was really nice about it, but I could tell he wanted me to get an abortion. When I was 8 weeks pregnant, I thought that abortion would be the best decision. I’m not sure if I was making the choice for me or if it was to make my boyfriend happy. The abortion was a 2-day process. The first day I went in, it was mostly consultation, and then the second day was the actual surgery. The next day, my boyfriend drove me to the abortion clinic and was told to come back in 4 hours to pick me up. As soon as he left me, I was alone, waiting on the bed for the nurse to come see me. She brought me 2 pills and instructed me to take them in order to start the abortion process. I just stared at them… I didn’t feel right taking them. I didn’t want to take them. The nurse came back about 10 minutes later to find the pills still sitting there. She told me I HAD to take the pills. I refused to take them and refused to do the abortion. I ended up getting my boyfriend to come and pick me up. I was scared that he would be mad at me for not following through with it. He wasn’t! I told him I just wasn’t ready to do it. Weeks went by and I still had not rescheduled the abortion, even though my boyfriend kept reminding me to make the appointment. After being 19 weeks pregnant, I finally returned to the abortion clinic. I only made it past the first day. The doctor looked at me and told me that he felt like I would regret doing this, and he was right, I would have. When I left the clinic, my boyfriend asked about how it went. I lied… That was probably the worst mistake I could have made. It was now New Year’s and definitely too late to have an abortion, but my boyfriend was not aware of that. One night, he got to thinking and called me and asked me if I was keeping the baby. He caught me so off guard that I couldn’t even lie anymore. I told him that I was keeping it. He became furious, threatening to leave me and calling me immature and selfish. I completely understand where he was coming from; I shouldn’t have kept something so serious from him. I was planning on telling him, just wanted to wait for a good time.
Now here I am, almost 30 weeks pregnant, and every day, my boyfriend reminds me how I have ruined his life. He’s depressed and would rather die than be miserable. He is no longer happy. I do believe that I am the reason that he is depressed and unhappy. I kept something so important from him and now he has no choice, but to deal with it. I feel extremely guilty that I did that to him, but if I were to go back in time, I still don’t think I would have had the abortion. I’m his girlfriend and I should be able to make him happy again. I don’t know how! Talking about the baby makes him more depressed and when he sees me, all he sees is my belly. I don’t know what to do! Everyone else is so happy for me and he’s the only one that’s unhappy. I feel like the worst person in the world and don’t know what to do anymore. I cry every day because I am so hopeless.
dear my sweet little angle,
today is your first birthday, and i am so sad i cannot spend it with you. youre so grown up baby, you probably wouldve made me so proud. i still miss you, i really and truly do. i cry every once in awhile because i feel your pain; you not having your mommy or daddy with you. its tough baby, i know it is. i picked out new names for you. you, in a few years, will be Layla or Adrienne, or Ali or Amar. they’re arabic names after your daddys culture. can you believe it. you wouldve been a strange mix of Palestinian, Italian, Dutch, Polish, French, Russian, Irish, German, Sweedish, Scottish and a few more. i think you wouldve been beautiful or handsome. anyways i really miss you down here. i keep telling myself get pregnant get pregnant because i just want to get you back into my tummy and watch you grow, then when you come out i want to watch you grow more and teach you how to walk or how to ride a bike, or put a bandaid on your booboo or be there for your first heartbreak–i want to be with you every single day. i cry a lot, especially now since it’s your birthday and since my life has gotten bad. i wouldnt be a parent like your grandparents; i would love you and guide you and protect you. i would cradle you in my arms when you’re scared or rub your tummy when you feel sick or tickle you when you’re sad; i just want to be with you. trust me love, i would take that moment back in a heartbeat.
anyways, i just want you to know that i tried to fight for you, i was just too scared to be alone and to raise you possibly by myself or in a house of drunks. trust me sweetie, you will always be my baby and my little angel. have a good birthday.
love always,
Mommy. <3
I’m 18 weeks, 3 days… 19 weeks on Friday!
I feel like an elephant, can’t even fit in my school shirts anymore. I can’t concentrate at school. My baby is moving around so much already. People are starting to stare and talk…Seriously, I’ve been pregnant for almost 5 months!
His daddy is still being blunt and immature. But at least he’s growing up slowly, hopefully in time for August. We are so much though, it’s unreal. We act like a married couple… Can’t see us being together for when the baby arrives, or if we do, we certainly won’t be engaged and happy. I hope if we split up, he sticks around for bubba though.
The baby moves so much, not just when it’s loud out… It’s whenever he wants to, most of the time when I’m busy. He’s growing so fast, I’m huge! Luckily he hasn’t given me any stretch marks yet though. Need to buy lots of new clothes, hardly any fit. I can tell he’s going to come early, either that or I’m further along than what they think. I’m not even 20 weeks yet and I’m bigger than my cousin who’s 28 weeks pregnant.
I miss being the baby of the family. No one’s interested in how I’m feeling, it’s all about Leo…’Oh, I got him this’ ‘Is he moving?’ ‘When’s his due date?’ ‘Can I see the scan pictures?’ I feel like no one remembers that I am still a child. Yes, my baby will be the new addition, and he’s going to be super cute…And I understand everyone is so excited. But no one has noticed I cry myself to sleep most nights. I’m behind in my schoolwork, I’m miserable, I don’t go out much. I’m depressed…And no one notices.
Please hurry up and get here, bubba. I want everything to be normal again.
So to catch up,
I’m 10 weeks pregnant and couldn’t be more surprised as to how easy it’s been, besides the hunger and exhaustion. But surprisingly, no vomiting or anything. My next appt is the 29th and I’m so anxious for the day to get here lol. The baby’s father and I broke up on Valentine’s Day. We just couldn’t get along anymore. All the stress kind of pulled us away from each other. But we’ve talked every day since and we’re working it out. I couldn’t see myself with anyone other than my baby’s father. So pray for me cause the Lord knows I need it! But I started college right after my birthday, which was the second btw. Happy birthday to me 😀 lol. I’m loving being back in school and the best part is I graduate right before my little stinker will be here. I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited about something like I am with this. Also since last time I wrote, I told my dad I was pregnant after freaking out about how to tell him for the longest time. He’s excited :D, him and my stepmom both. She tells everyone she’s having another grandbaby lol. I was shocked at how stoked they are. I still talk to my dad almost every day and we are still as close as we were if not closer. He always wants updates on the baby. I just wish my baby’s daddy’s family was the same way. We do not get along, I’m not sure we ever will. Well that’s all I have for now.
I’ll write again soon.
Love you guys, thanks for reading <3
As a small child,
Even before I could talk,
My parents, meek and mild,
Told me of her,
“You came from another,
Someone we have never met, your “other mother”.
The stranger, your “other mother”, has blessed us,
Children, we could not have,
Her tears and pain,
Her gift of life and love,
Has been our gain.
Our Good Lord had a plan,
He was watching from above,
A new family was now mine to be,
One of happiness, security and love.
Cows and plows,
Track, drama and choir,
FFA, fairs, and dairy princess’,
This was life for me now.
Years passed with many unasked questions,
No answers to be found.
Did I look like her? Did she have red hair?
Tall or short, thin or round?
Birthdays, graduations, and my wedding day came and went,
Five children of my own,
Still, only in my mind,
My “other mother” could I find.
I prayed and asked the Good Lord,
“In your own good time,
Please bring her to me”,
Our Lord is so good and kind.
One June summer day,
The phone call was made,
My “other mother” was 90 minutes away,
We talked and talked, and
Planned to meet the next week.
Months have gone by,
Letters, visits, phone calls,
Tears and laughter started,
Though time kept us apart,
My “other mother” is filling her space in my heart.
Written By Diane
