yes,i made mistake but at least i made the right decision :)

..yah im back to tell that im really happy im pregnant.,after i wrote about my last blog later in the afternoon i took pregnancy test. and yes its positive..at first i really want to cry but as i look again the p.t i feel so overwhelmed…that i’m having my first baby..a day after that i gathered all the strength and confidence to tell my aunt. and as expected she really got angry… she so furious! that you cant even imagine how she said those words i never thought she could.they are all blaming me. she told me to have an abortion, but i never agreed..  they did all the things that could push me to go through abortion. they separate me from my boyfriend with no communication at all, they said that even my cousins will suffer if i didn’t agree., but i never gave up. i talked to my cousins and they said they’ll understand whatever my decision is, and so i continued my pregnancy… well that’s not all.. last Saturday I accompanied my cousin Irish, to the hospital to visit her brother.. she told me something i could never imagine.. well she told me this because maybe she knew already that her secret will be safe with me..so here it was.. when we we’re in high school after graduation to be exact she got pregnant, with her boyfriend of course . but i don’t know  whose guy cause she has so many boyfriends out there,(by the way we’re just at the same age we’re both 16 that time) when she learned about it, afraid to tell her parents, she had an abortion..she drinks pills every time she feels or thinks she’s pregnant..without her boyfriend knowing it.and the shocking part is the time i told my aunt about my pregnancy was the time she was 3month pregnant! so it means she ahead 1 month of me in terms of pregnancy! but the sad part was.. she again did what she must not do.!, she aborted her baby.. she took so many pills to kill her baby..my heart almost broke when i heard that… i cant imagine she’s too mean to do that again..well she said that the baby was to his ex bf, and her bf now thought it was his, he never knows the truth..i just felt so pity and sad for her baby..:( the annoying part is that my cousin Irish, always  upset me every time she recalls my mistake about my pregnancy to show how much she’s higher than me, that’s why my family can’t move on and still blames me.they are always proud with Irish.. not knowing what she did was worse than what i did..because at least i kept my baby unlike her, she killed her angel and know she acts like angel to our family like she will never do what disappoints them :'( sucks! i hate her but i keep my promise that i won’t tell anyone bout it 🙁 i know God knows i did the right thing:) and no regrets:) i’m 9 weeks pregnant now:) i’m so blessed to have this baby inside me:) TO GOD BE THE GLORY

freaking out, i just don’t know what to think or do..

So much is going on in my life right now!!! Well, I got accepted into college for the fall.. Which is great and hopefully, I can get my little man into daycare at that point. If not, I’m sure my dad will watch him till I can get him in…

My mom is home now… Only for 6 months or something stupid like that… She’s engaged to a guy who lives in the States (we live in Canada). She’s marrying him and moving out there and I hate it. I’m almost 19 and I have a 9-month-old and I start college after the summer… I need my mom. I feel like she’s abandoning me and I don’t want her to miss my little man’s second Christmas like she did his first…

Me and my boyfriend live with his mom and his mom’s boyfriend… We have to look for our own place in June… How do they expect us to afford it?… I have no clue… And to top it all off, my period is like a week late… I took a test a day after my period was due and it came out negative, so I don’t know if I’m not pregnant or if I am and it’s just too soon to detect it… I’m just trying to wait it out a little and see if my period is simply late or if I have to take another test…

If I’m pregnant again, how am I going to take care of a 1-year-old and a newborn and go to school and work all at the same time?

 

lost and confused

This may be long, but I feel hopeless and any advice would be great!! In September, I found out I was pregnant with my boyfriend of 3 years. I am 20 and my boyfriend is 23. When I found out, I was totally freaked out, but kind of excited at the same time. When I told him, he was really nice about it, but I could tell he wanted me to get an abortion. When I was 8 weeks pregnant, I thought that abortion would be the best decision. I’m not sure if I was making the choice for me or if it was to make my boyfriend happy. The abortion was a 2-day process. The first day I went in, it was mostly consultation, and then the second day was the actual surgery. The next day, my boyfriend drove me to the abortion clinic and was told to come back in 4 hours to pick me up. As soon as he left me, I was alone, waiting on the bed for the nurse to come see me. She brought me 2 pills and instructed me to take them in order to start the abortion process. I just stared at them… I didn’t feel right taking them. I didn’t want to take them. The nurse came back about 10 minutes later to find the pills still sitting there. She told me I HAD to take the pills. I refused to take them and refused to do the abortion. I ended up getting my boyfriend to come and pick me up. I was scared that he would be mad at me for not following through with it. He wasn’t! I told him I just wasn’t ready to do it. Weeks went by and I still had not rescheduled the abortion, even though my boyfriend kept reminding me to make the appointment. After being 19 weeks pregnant, I finally returned to the abortion clinic. I only made it past the first day. The doctor looked at me and told me that he felt like I would regret doing this, and he was right, I would have. When I left the clinic, my boyfriend asked about how it went. I lied… That was probably the worst mistake I could have made. It was now New Year’s and definitely too late to have an abortion, but my boyfriend was not aware of that. One night, he got to thinking and called me and asked me if I was keeping the baby. He caught me so off guard that I couldn’t even lie anymore. I told him that I was keeping it. He became furious, threatening to leave me and calling me immature and selfish. I completely understand where he was coming from; I shouldn’t have kept something so serious from him. I was planning on telling him, just wanted to wait for a good time.

Now here I am, almost 30 weeks pregnant, and every day, my boyfriend reminds me how I have ruined his life. He’s depressed and would rather die than be miserable. He is no longer happy. I do believe that I am the reason that he is depressed and unhappy. I kept something so important from him and now he has no choice, but to deal with it. I feel extremely guilty that I did that to him, but if I were to go back in time, I still don’t think I would have had the abortion. I’m his girlfriend and I should be able to make him happy again. I don’t know how! Talking about the baby makes him more depressed and when he sees me, all he sees is my belly. I don’t know what to do! Everyone else is so happy for me and he’s the only one that’s unhappy. I feel like the worst person in the world and don’t know what to do anymore. I cry every day because I am so hopeless.

it’s been a year baby..

Dear my sweet little angel,

Today is your first birthday, and I am so sad I cannot spend it with you. You’re so grown up, baby, you probably would’ve made me so proud. I still miss you, I really and truly do. I cry every once in awhile because I feel your pain; you not having your mommy or daddy with you. It’s tough, baby, I know it is. I picked out new names for you. you, in a few years, will be Layla or Adrienne, or Ali or Amar. They’re Arabic names after your daddy’s culture. Can you believe it? you would’ve been a strange mix of Palestinian, Italian, Dutch, Polish, French, Russian, Irish, German, Swedish, Scottish and a few more. I think you would’ve been beautiful or handsome. Anyway, I really miss you down here. I keep telling myself get pregnant get pregnant because I just want to get you back into my tummy and watch you grow, then when you come out i want to watch you grow more and teach you how to walk or how to ride a bike, or put a band aid on your booboo or be there for your first heartbreak–I want to be with you every single day. I cry a lot, especially now since it’s your birthday and since my life has gotten bad. I wouldn’t be a parent like your grandparents; I would love you and guide you and protect you. I would cradle you in my arms when you’re scared or rub your tummy when you feel sick or tickle you when you’re sad; I just want to be with you. Trust me love, I would take that moment back in a heartbeat.

Anyways, I just want you to know that I tried to fight for you, I was just too scared to be alone and to raise you possibly by myself or in a house of drunks. Trust me sweetie, you will always be my baby and my little angel. Have a good birthday.

love always,

Mommy. <3

I want this to be over…

I’m 18 weeks, 3 days… 19 weeks on Friday!

I feel like an elephant, can’t even fit in my school shirts anymore. I can’t concentrate at school. My baby is moving around so much already. People are starting to stare and talk…Seriously, I’ve been pregnant for almost 5 months!

His daddy is still being blunt and immature. But at least he’s growing up slowly, hopefully in time for August. We are so much though, it’s unreal. We act like a married couple… Can’t see us being together for when the baby arrives, or if we do, we certainly won’t be engaged and happy. I hope if we split up, he sticks around for bubba though.

The baby moves so much, not just when it’s loud out… It’s whenever he wants to, most of the time when I’m busy. He’s growing so fast, I’m huge! Luckily he hasn’t given me any stretch marks yet though. Need to buy lots of new clothes, hardly any fit. I can tell he’s going to come early, either that or I’m further along than what they think. I’m not even 20 weeks yet and I’m bigger than my cousin who’s 28 weeks pregnant.

I miss being the baby of the family. No one’s interested in how I’m feeling, it’s all about Leo…’Oh, I got him this’ ‘Is he moving?’ ‘When’s his due date?’ ‘Can I see the scan pictures?’ I feel like no one remembers that I am still a child. Yes, my baby will be the new addition, and he’s going to be super cute…And I understand everyone is so excited. But no one has noticed I cry myself to sleep most nights. I’m behind in my schoolwork, I’m miserable, I don’t go out much. I’m depressed…And no one notices.

Please hurry up and get here, bubba. I want everything to be normal again.

Its been a while,

So to catch up,

I’m 10 weeks pregnant and couldn’t be more surprised as to how easy it’s been, besides the hunger and exhaustion. But surprisingly, no vomiting or anything. My next appt is the 29th and I’m so anxious for the day to get here lol. The baby’s father and I broke up on Valentine’s Day. We just couldn’t get along anymore. All the stress kind of pulled us away from each other. But we’ve talked every day since and we’re working it out. I couldn’t see myself with anyone other than my baby’s father. So pray for me cause the Lord knows I need it! But I started college right after my birthday, which was the second btw. Happy birthday to me 😀 lol. I’m loving being back in school and the best part is I graduate right before my little stinker will be here. I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited about something like I am with this. Also since last time I wrote, I told my dad I was pregnant after freaking out about how to tell him for the longest time. He’s excited :D, him and my stepmom both. She tells everyone she’s having another grandbaby lol. I was shocked at how stoked they are. I still talk to my dad almost every day and we are still as close as we were if not closer. He always wants updates on the baby. I just wish my baby’s daddy’s family was the same way. We do not get along, I’m not sure we ever will. Well that’s all I have for now.

I’ll write again soon.

Love you guys, thanks for reading <3