This may be long but I feel hopeless and any advice would be great!! In September 2011 I found out I was pregnant with my boyfriend of 3 years. I am 20 and my boyfriend is 23. When I found out, I was totally freaked out but kind of excited at the same time. When I told him, he was really nice about, but I could tell he wanted me to get an abortion. When I was 8 weeks pregnant, I thought that abortion would be the best decision. I’m not sure if I was making the choice for me or if it was to make my bf happy. The abortion was a 2 day process. The first day I went in, it was mostly consultation and then the second day was the actually surgery. The next day, my boyfriend drove me to the abortion clinic and was told to come back in 4 hours to pick me up. As soon as he left me, I was alone, waiting on the bed for the nurse to come see me. She brought me 2 pills and instructed me to take them in order to start the abortion process. I just stared at them… I didn’t feel right taking them. I didn’t want to take them. The nurse came back about 10mins later to find the pills still sitting there. She told me I HAD to take the pills. I refused to take them and refused to do the abortion. I ended up getting my boyfriend to come and pick me up. I was scared that he would be mad at me for not following through with it. He wasn’t! I told him I just wasn’t ready to do it. Weeks went by and I still had not rescheduled the abortion, even though my boyfriend kept reminding me to make the appointment. After being 19 weeks pregnant, I finally returned to the abortion clinic. I only made it past the first day. The doctored looked at me and told me that he felt like I would regret doing this, and he was right, I would have. When I left the clinic, my boyfriend asked about how it went. I lied… That was probably the worst mistake I could have made. It was now new year’s and defiantly too late to have an abortion, but my boyfriend was not aware of that. One night, he got to thinking and called me and asked me if I was keeping the baby. He caught me so off guard that I couldn’t even lie anymore, I told him that I was keeping it. He became furious, threatening to leave me and calling me immature and selfish. I completely understand where he was coming from; I shouldn’t have kept something so serious from him. I was planning on telling him, just wanted to wait for a good time.
Now here I am almost 30 weeks pregnant, and everyday my boyfriend reminds me how I have ruined his life, he’s depressed and would rather die than be miserable. He is no longer happy. I do believe that I am the reason that he is depressed and unhappy. I kept something so important from him and now he has no choice but to deal with it. I feel extremely guilty that I did that to him but if I was to go back in time, I still don’t think I would have had the abortion. I’m his girlfriend and I should be able to make him happy again. I don’t know how! Talking about the baby makes him more depressed and when he sees me, all he sees is my belly. I don’t know what to do? Everyone else is so happy for me and he’s the only one that’s unhappy. I feel like worst person in the world and don’t know what to do anymore. I cry every day because I am so hopeless.