dear my sweet little angle,

today is your first birthday, and i am so sad i cannot spend it with you. youre so grown up baby, you probably wouldve made me so proud. i still miss you, i really and truly do. i cry every once in awhile because i feel your pain; you not having your mommy or daddy with you. its tough baby, i know it is. i picked out new names for you. you, in a few years, will be Layla or Adrienne, or Ali or Amar. they’re arabic names after your daddys culture. can you believe it. you wouldve been a strange mix of Palestinian, Italian, Dutch, Polish, French, Russian, Irish, German, Sweedish, Scottish and a few more. i think you wouldve been beautiful or handsome. anyways i really miss you down here. i keep telling myself get pregnant get pregnant because i just want to get you back into my tummy and watch you grow, then when you come out i want to watch you grow more and teach you how to walk or how to ride a bike, or put a bandaid on your booboo or be there for your first heartbreak–i want to be with you every single day. i cry a lot, especially now since it’s your birthday and since my life has gotten bad. i wouldnt be a parent like your grandparents; i would love you and guide you and protect you. i would cradle you in my arms when you’re scared or rub your tummy when you feel sick or tickle you when you’re sad; i just want to be with you. trust me love, i would take that moment back in a heartbeat. 

anyways, i just want you to know that i tried to fight for you, i was just too scared to be alone and to raise you possibly by myself or in a house of drunks. trust me sweetie, you will always be my baby and my little angel. have a good birthday. 

love always,

Mommy. <3