Dear Becky — I was 15 years old and pregnant. I was so scared to tell my mom because she had me when she was 15 and she never regretted it, she just would never wish it upon anybody. I told the father and he didn’t want to help me at all and disappeared. I was in denial and tried not to think about it. I knew I couldn’t ignore it forever. I needed to think about my options. I was thinking about adoption but I didn’t think I could do that. I wouldn’t even have turned to abortion because I don’t believe in it and could not deal with the pain of killing my child. So I just let it be and did nothing.
I went on being pregnant and not telling my mom until I was about 71/2 months pregnant when I knew I was going to be due soon and had to tell her. She always asked me if there was something I wanted to talk to her about and I wanted to tell her so many times but I was so scared of how disappointed she would be in me. So I told her I think I need to go to the doctor to see if everything is ok.
I thought about it and realized this was really the end of my life, it was going to be changed for ever. I didn’t have any friends. Everything was going around the school about me, but I held to it.
The day of the appointment I was scared all day. I got home and my mom asked me if I was ready. We got to the doctors appointment and I just broke down and told her. She said I should have told her sooner and should not have waited because now she was worried about the health of the baby since I had no prenatal care. We went in there and they rushed me over to the hospital and did all these tests. I was so scared I had no clue what to think. They did ultrasounds and all these other tests.
As I sat next to my mom in the hospital room, I was scared of what she was going to say, thinking she was going to be mad at me. She sat next to me and told me that everything would be ok and she would help me through this no matter what. She asked me if I had told the father and I said yes and went on from there.
January 23rd, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I have been through custody battles with the father and finally got through to him enough to let me have custody with visitation on his part. My son is so exciting and I’m so excited that I chose what I did and not to give the child up or have an abortion. I am not with my boyfriend that I have been dating for almost 4 years on and off and not living with him, but he is helping me support my child.
I just wanted to say that I am glad you came out with a website to help other pregnant teens because I know what it was like to go through that with not much help from friends or family. I just wanted to tell my story and say thank you for the website and if you could give me any advice on 1 year olds since my son will be turning 1 this weekend. I just wanted to know what to expect.
Thank you so much,
Amber
Hi Amber,
First of all, congratulations on your little boy! I am so happy to hear that you had him and that the website has been a help to you. So, he’s turning one soon..what an exciting milestone! Is he walking yet? If not, he probably will start walking in the next couple of months. Talking is fun too, but that usually starts up a little later on. I remember one of the biggest highlights for me was when my daughter spontaneously wrapped her arms around my neck and said “I love you mama”. I tell you, if that doesn’t make you cry, I don’t know what would!! You have so much to look forward to. Please keep in touch. I would love to hear how you and your little one are doing. Also, would you be able to send a picture? I would love to put a picture of you and your baby up on the website, along with your letter.
Take care!
Contact Becky
Dear Lisa — Two years ago I made the worst mistake of my life; I got a non-surgical abortion. I was only 19 at the time and I thought that my boyfriend (at the time) and I wouldn’t be good parents. Plus I had a very crazy, full life and a baby just wouldn’t fit in.
Mainly though, I was just scared. The problem was that no one informed me just how alive my baby was. I thought that at nine weeks he/she was just a bubble of goo, not really alive. I found out the hard way. The day I went to have it done, the clinic gave me 2 pills. One to take there and one at home. I did it alone because of the overwhelming shame I felt.
I followed the directions word for word but nothing prepared me for what happened. First off it was the worst pain I have EVER felt in my life. And secondly, I SAW my baby. After I had ‘expelled’ the sac he or she was in there. It was MY BABY. Words can never describe what I saw. I remember that he/she looked so human already and I hate myself for not knowing that he/she had a heart and eyes. Very blue eyes on the sides of the head and the starting of hands and feet. And I remember that I loved him or her right then. And I remember thinking it was to late. I had no idea that my baby was so big after only 2 months; About the size of an inch maybe more. I will never forget my baby and I want to warn other girls that just because you can’t see or feel it inside you doesn’t mean it’s not alive. Get the facts!
Please, please, please Becky post this on your site so other don’t make the same mistake!
Love,
Amber
Ohhh Amber!
As I read your e-mail I just had a feeling I knew what was coming. I couldn’t help but have to keep wiping my eyes with the tissue as I thought of how alone you must have felt and the horror you must have felt when you saw and held your baby. As I read your story – I had to sit in my chair covering my mouth wishing I could just give you a big loving hug and tell you — ohhh Amber I am so very very sorry.
Not one heart can contain such pain – can it? I am here for you Amber.
Know that you are not alone. I also had (I’m sorry to say) 2 abortions. It’s taking me forever to write this letter to you ’cause I’m just full of tears for you Amber. No words that I can say will take away the memory or the pain. But can I share my story with you do you know how I found relief? How I found freedom? You can read it if you want, and if you don’t want to – that’s OK too. I’m a previously featured Stand Up Girl .
Amber – what I’d like to do is share a website with you that can maybe offer a post abortion group. I did it once for each of my babies and the materials that I used was a book called “Forgiven and Set Free” written by Linda Cochran. It was an amazing and wonderful book only about 10 chapters long that brought me through all of the emotional steps that I needed to find healing, forgiveness and freedom.
Trust me – if you call one of these centers, more than likely the girl that answers the phone will be someone just like you and like me. But she has found healing and is wanting to share that with any girl that will call. OK?
Will you let me know what you find and if you can make the call? Here’s the site:
Go to Pregnancy Crisis Support
And please know that I’m right here if you want to talk. I will always listen patiently OK?
I’m right here for you. Thank you for the courage to write your letter.
Luv Lisa
Dear Becky and Lisa — I just have to say that I wish something like this would have been around when I needed it. I was fourteen and pregnant! The first time I ever had sex and this is what happened. I didn’t even want to do it but the guy scared me into it.
So what was I going to do? I wasn’t even old enough to get a job!!! I couldn’t tell anyone, not even my best friends. I tried to tell the father and he just blew me off. I didn’t know how to go get an abortion and since I was only 14, I thought I’d have to have my mom with me. So I didn’t do anything. I pushed it out of my mind…well as far as I could, I guess. It was still on my mind everyday. My mom even noticed that I hadn’t been getting my period but I guess she was too afraid to ask me, afraid to hear that her little girl was going to have a little one of her own.
Then I caught a cold. My mom took me to a doctor and mentioned to the doctor that I had stopped my period and she wanted to have me checked out, to see if there was anything wrong. Well, of course she learned that I was pregnant. Eight months pregnant at this point. And I couldn’t even admit that I had known this whole time. I was in so much denial that I thought it would have just gone away. My mom was so upset, but not with me. She was upset with herself, I imagine for not taking action earlier, for doing the same thing I did…hope it wasn’t true. But there we were in this situation with only about four weeks to figure out what I was going to do.
I decided it would be best for my baby to give him or her up for adoption. I was lucky and found a beautiful, hardworking single mother. She had adopted a little girl two years prior. This small family looked like they were part of mine! It was amazing how much this woman and her daughter resembled the biracial women in my family! I met her and knew she was the perfect person to take care of my baby. Exactly one week after deciding to have Mary adopt my baby, Olivia Danielle was born. It was January 23rd 1994, three days before my fifteenth birthday.
She is healthy (Thank God), and beautiful.
It took several years for me to understand that even though it hurt more than anything to give her up, she is so much better off with her adopted family. Mary is able to provide for Olivia in ways that I to this day would not be able to provide for her. I know there are greater chances of Olivia being successful because of the support of her adopted family. This is much better for her than living with her birthmother who would have probably been on welfare and unable to buy the things she wanted or needed. I love Olivia more than anyone or anything in the universe. I wouldn’t wish for the hard times she would have had growing up in near poverty with me. I can only move on and learn from what happened.
Nearly eleven years later, I am able to say that I am satisfied with the decision that I made. I have minimal communication with Mary and Olivia, but I do know they are well, happy and enjoying life. I know Olivia knows she is adopted and wonders about her birthparents. I hope one day, I will be able to explain to her in person why I made my decision. I also hope she will tell me how that makes her feel.
I think you ladies are doing a great thing for the young women in the world that don’t know what to do if they’re pregnant. It’s good to know there are options and people that are willing to help them make the best decision for themselves and their baby.
Thank you!
Shiloh
Dearest Shiloh – when I read your e-mail it made tears come to my eyes. What a beautiful love and a beautiful thing you did for a family and for your baby! I am so proud and touched by your wonderful heart.
May I share something with you? I have some very close friends that adopted a baby boy. He is now 3 years old and he is the happiest little baby boy that you could ever know.
Truly a baby doesn’t necessarily know or care of the material things that you can give. Just the heart of love that you have is sufficient. You are a very wonderful warm heated woman and it would seem that people are
blessed just by knowing you and hearing your experience.
Thank you so very much for sharing with us.
Luv Lisa
Contact Becky
Dear Becky-
My story I would imagine isn’t worse than others but to a degree, for me emotionally it was. I had just turned 15 a couple of months before I found out I was pregnant. My mother had taken me to a pregnancy clinic. I had taken a test and 5 minutes later the lady came out and said congratulations, your going to be a mommy. I didn’t know what to think. I knew I wasn’t going to get an abortion because in all God’s honesty, I am against it.
So, I went to the car and told my mom the results. She was not upset like I had imagined. It was like she already knew. On the way home I started to cry, not knowing what I was going to do in order to survive for my baby and I. (Financially)
I went to the Gyno. and tried getting in to see how my pregnancy was going and to see how far along I was. But for some reason every time I had an appointment the doctor would tell me that I needed more papers about my health history. (The Primary and Secondary Doctor paper work)
So about a month went by and I started having problems. I was bleeding, and the Gyno. still wouldn’t let me in their office I was then instructed by them to go to the E.R. When I got there they told me everything was fine, and bleeding was NORMAL! Then they took blood to see how far along I was, I was 4 months, and they said that not being able to hear the heart beat was normal too. After that I knew something was wrong.
Well, I am gonna shorten this up, because for the next 1 1/2 months I was in and out of the emergency room. They still claimed nothing was wrong. I finally got into my GYNO.’s
office and she said that she thought it was a Cautioned Miscarriage, which meant that it had to be watched. Well, what the doctors didn’t know at the time was that all the pap smears I had done in a week which was no joke, about 22, they had opened my cervix on the last one.
I was rushed to the emergency room, not able to walk or anything. They gave me pain relievers that they only give to people missing parts of their body, that is how much pain I was in, and that is the only possible way I can describe the pain. They wouldn’t help me, besides for the pain relievers.
I was bleeding all over (not trying to be gory) and my mom had to leave me. I was in a room, by myself, crying, and having a miscarriage with no one to talk to, to help comfort me, nothing. After about 2 hours, the doctor came in to do another pelvic exam, and they couldn’t because of the blood. They had to do so much that would be too messy to tell about.
Finally they stuck a the tongs in me and pulled out my baby. Now, if I really didn’t cry then, they showed me my baby, in a plastic container. I cried more then than I probable ever will in my life. I was so depressed that you couldn’t get me out of bed or to eat. NOTHING! I knew in my heart that I MYSELF had killed my baby.
After a long time of mourning I would say about 2 weeks, I called the hospital about the autopsy, I then found out the most horrible part of it all. I lost my baby because I could not get into the GYNO. office. It was something so little that they had to fix, and they didn’t get to my baby in time.
Another bad thing I had come to find out was that, the baby had been dead inside of me for 2 months, I was inches from losing my life in the long run.
I hope for every women and their babies life’s nothing but the best. Good luck with the new edition. Make sure the doctor you choose is the best and only the best. Remember, a baby is a gift, and there is nothing like hearing “Mommy” for the first time.
CONGRATULATIONS ALL, AND BEST WISHES FOR A WONDERFUL LIFE TOGETHER!
Blondeyes
What excruciating pain and heartache you have been through. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know what you’ve been through, to some degree. I had a miscarriage, too, when my baby was 2 months old. I didn’t know anything was wrong, until they did the routine ultrasound. The radiologist was very quiet as she did it.
Then she told me that my baby was dead. I wasn’t prepared.
My guts felt like they were being ripped out. No one could understand the pain I was going through…they kept saying “you can have another baby someday”, but I wanted THAT baby.
After the ultrasound they told me to go home and that I would probably miscarry naturally. Sure enough I started bleeding badly and then went to the hospital where they did a D&C to make sure my uterus was empty.
I woke up from the anesthetic to find myself in the maternity ward! They put me in with all of the new moms and their babies. How awful! All I could feel was an intense emptiness and pain. I was so jealous of these moms who could actually hold and nurture their babies.
I went home to bed and cried and cried. I never expected to go through grieving that was that intense. I couldn’t explain it. Even my husband found it hard to relate completely to the pain I was going through.
I never even saw my baby. It must have been even harder for you. You saw your child in it’s minute perfection.
You can’t put all the blame on yourself. I know, it’s hard not to, but you need to forgive yourself. You didn’t know that this would happen. It was out of your control. Thank God that you’re okay. That is a blessing.
Give yourself time to grieve.This is not something you will get over in a day. Name your child. We named our baby Sarah and she will always have a special place in our hearts and in our family. We believe that someday we will be reunited with her in heaven.
Love,
Email Me
I am currently 37 weeks pregnant (unplanned pregnancy) with my first baby with my boyfriend, and I have had issues with giving up substances during this pregnancy due to a multitude of factors. I need help with resources, counseling, anything.
We live in an isolated town in New Mexico, and I don’t have any friends here, nor do I feel comfortable talking about this with our OBGYN or Midwife, nor even do I feel comfortable talking about it with my friends/family back home in California because of the shame factor. Makes me retreat even more.
My boyfriend is an alcoholic, who did quit drinking at one point for 5 years, but now he is back on with his habit and it is a heavy habit, that includes drug use now. It makes it extremely difficult for me to deal with this issue, and I honestly am at a complete loss as to what to do at this point.
I appreciate your service, time, and attention to my email 🙂
Please help <3 Christina
Pregnancy is such an sweet nightmare experience. Some people says its beautiful and some don’t; however, the end result is priceless. I cannot say that I enjoyed pregnancy. It was horrible not physically but mentally. I hated life, I was mean and aggressive. I was never sick during the pregnancy. I never had morning sickness or anything else. As a matter of fact I find out that I was pregnant 3 months in. The only thing that I was stress about was how am suppose to take care of another human being. That was my main concern while pregnant. Despite everything, once gave birth it got better. Overall my pregnancy was not a great experience but having a kid that actually loves you and call you mommy is priceless!
By Lydia
Thank you Lydia for sharing your story with us!
