Dear Lisa — Two years ago I made the worst mistake of my life; I got a non-surgical abortion. I was only 19 at the time and I thought that my boyfriend (at the time) and I wouldn’t be good parents. Plus I had a very crazy, full life and a baby just wouldn’t fit in.
Mainly though, I was just scared. The problem was that no one informed me just how alive my baby was. I thought that at nine weeks he/she was just a bubble of goo, not really alive. I found out the hard way. The day I went to have it done, the clinic gave me 2 pills. One to take there and one at home. I did it alone because of the overwhelming shame I felt.
I followed the directions word for word but nothing prepared me for what happened. First off it was the worst pain I have EVER felt in my life. And secondly, I SAW my baby. After I had ‘expelled’ the sac he or she was in there. It was MY BABY. Words can never describe what I saw. I remember that he/she looked so human already and I hate myself for not knowing that he/she had a heart and eyes. Very blue eyes on the sides of the head and the starting of hands and feet. And I remember that I loved him or her right then. And I remember thinking it was to late. I had no idea that my baby was so big after only 2 months; About the size of an inch maybe more. I will never forget my baby and I want to warn other girls that just because you can’t see or feel it inside you doesn’t mean it’s not alive. Get the facts!
Please, please, please Becky post this on your site so other don’t make the same mistake!
As I read your e-mail I just had a feeling I knew what was coming. I couldn’t help but have to keep wiping my eyes with the tissue as I thought of how alone you must have felt and the horror you must have felt when you saw and held your baby. As I read your story – I had to sit in my chair covering my mouth wishing I could just give you a big loving hug and tell you — ohhh Amber I am so very very sorry.
Not one heart can contain such pain – can it? I am here for you Amber.
Know that you are not alone. I also had (I’m sorry to say) 2 abortions. It’s taking me forever to write this letter to you ’cause I’m just full of tears for you Amber. No words that I can say will take away the memory or the pain. But can I share my story with you do you know how I found relief? How I found freedom? You can read it if you want, and if you don’t want to – that’s OK too. I’m a previously featured Stand Up Girl .
Amber – what I’d like to do is share a website with you that can maybe offer a post abortion group. I did it once for each of my babies and the materials that I used was a book called “Forgiven and Set Free” written by Linda Cochran. It was an amazing and wonderful book only about 10 chapters long that brought me through all of the emotional steps that I needed to find healing, forgiveness and freedom.
Trust me – if you call one of these centers, more than likely the girl that answers the phone will be someone just like you and like me. But she has found healing and is wanting to share that with any girl that will call. OK?
Will you let me know what you find and if you can make the call? Here’s the site:
And please know that I’m right here if you want to talk. I will always listen patiently OK?
I’m right here for you. Thank you for the courage to write your letter.