If My Little Voice Could Speak
By: Shelbea – An Adopted High School Senior
10 little fingers
10 little toes
I am so cute.
But nobody knows.
Only God,
Who fearfully and wonderfully made me.
He knows.
He knows I am perfect.
If I could have just
One breath,
One chance to say the words “I love you”
One chance to live
I would take it.
It would be my chance
To shine
To grow
To cry
To make a mistake
To succeed.
I want to see earth!
Heaven is awesome too…
But I want to meet my mommy and daddy.
So like mind over matter, mommy
PLEASE choose adoption
Over ending my life.
I don’t want the scary doctors to hurt me.
I can hear them convincing you this is the best decision,
It isn’t mommy.
They are brain washing you.
I want to hear your heart beat mommy!
How else will I fall asleep?
When I kick and you feel your belly,
I experience love and safety.
So keep me loved and safe, mommy.
All I want is to live.
ADOPTION over abortion
Hello Becky,
I thank God for your ministry on the web!!! This web site offers such an abundance of truth for a young man or woman who wants to know the truth about the horror of abortion and the freedom in making the right choice to choose life. I feel such a tremendous burden to share with all women (if it were possible) how wonderful bringing life into the world is and how devastatingly painful abortion is. I was 15 years old when I found out that I was pregnant. I cried and cried in the doctor’s office because it was such a shock and I was so very frightened. The doctor told me that if I decided to have this baby that it would be the biggest mistake of my life and that I would be ruining my life. I was far too young so he would arrange an abortion behind my parents back and since I lived in Canada it would be covered by medical entirely. My close friends had gone through abortions and pressured me to do the same and told me that same thing the doctor had, “you will ruin your life!”, but I wasn’t so sure they were right. Yet, it seemed the only reasonable option for a young girl in the 10th grade. I tried to convince myself that I could have the abortion and no one would ever know and I could go on with my life as I had been doing
I had seen the video called “The Silent Scream” some months before and I couldn’t forget the horrifying images of this little baby desperately trying to get away from the abortion instruments. I was in shock as I saw its little face screaming and then was gone. I knew what an abortion was all about which made it even more difficult to do. The more I pondered having the abortion the more I realized that I just couldn’t go through with the same procedure I had seen only months earlier on the video screen.
I was afraid to tell my parents because of all the shame involved especially with being brought up in a Christian family but, eventually I did and while they were disappointed there was nothing they could do to change the situation. Thankfully, abortion was not an option for them to consider. Instead they pushed for adoption but I wasn’t ready to give up my baby either so, I made the choice to have my baby and raise him on my own. It is a decision I will never regret.
It would be wonderful to admit that from then on life was a bed of roses and that I never had any struggles. Unfortunately people judge and life circumstances can be difficult. My extended family, all of whom were Christian, judged me and looked at me like I was the evil black sheep. I was the youngest mother to drop off my son to school and to church Sunday school and I received more than a few raised eyebrows. I overheard conversations by other “older” mothers that I couldn’t possibly raise a child decently because I looked so young. I have heard it all. My own siblings discussed how my parenting skills lacked and I was often made to feel guilty and ashamed of my failures but one thing remains true. I CHOSE LIFE and my son is alive because I was willing to make a sacrifice. I can always, no matter what anyone says, be proud of my decision to bring his little life into this world. I have come to realize that it doesn’t matter what anyone says. I can stand tall and know that I will one day stand before God and hear the words “Well done my good and faithful servant!” I can live with myself and sleep in peace knowing that just down the hall my 15 years old son sleeps soundly, never knowing how close he came to death by a selfish doctor who couldn’t see the value of life. He has grown to be a wonderful young man. He has the most wonderful sense of humor and he is very kind-hearted and generous. In all the criticism I received I must have done something right because he is very respectful and not rebellious (Thank God!!).
I wasn’t able to graduate when I had my baby so I decided to go back to night school and receive my Grade 12 graduation diploma over the course of three years and eventually when my son was in school fulltime, I completed my first year of university then went on to become a Registered Nurse. I met my husband over three years ago and we now have another 20 month old son and we may be expecting another baby, I find out today if I am pregnant!
My husband is so proud of me for making the tough decision to become a teenage mother. It is the most wonderful feeling watching my older son play games with my little one and seeing them both laughing together. I do not have an empty hole in my soul longing for the baby I never gave life to. I feel complete, I feel whole!
I wish I could say the same for my closest friends. They were pushed by parents, boyfriends, doctors, and fear into having abortions. It has been over twenty years for some of them and the pain still haunts them like a nightmare. One of my dearest friends told me she thinks about the baby she chose not to have, every single day and it has been over 15 years now. She constantly wonders what he would have looked like and what he would have been like today. Another friend told me that while she felt empty and ashamed of her decision to have an abortion she pushed the reality of what she had done and the pain away for years. She was pregnant later in life and was monitoring her baby’s development in the womb when she came across a picture of how her baby would have looked at the age she had the abortion and the reality of what she had done hit he so hard that she sobbed hysterically for 3 days in her bedroom. She wrestled with wondering if God could ever forgive her for what she had done. Another friend became entangled with drugs and alcohol to numb the pain and she is still an addict to this day and sadly she has never really dealt with the pain of having an abortion. I wish I could have helped them to make the choice to have their babies. My heart hurts for them and I pray that they will continue to know God’s amazing grace, healing, and peace of mind.
My prayer is that someone will find my story encouraging and know that while making the choice to become an unwed mother is difficult and challenging it is undoubtedly rewarding!! Trust me, days, months and years from now it will not matter what people think of you. What will matter is the little person you decided to let live. You will be able to live with yourself and be proud of what you accomplished. You will be able to sleep and wake each day with a clean conscious knowing that you have done the honorable thing.
Blessings to you Becky! May God continue to use you to reach out with love and truth to women who are hurting and scared.
Cynthia 🙂
Cynthia – thank you so very much for your wonderful encouraging and enlightening e-mail. I love to hear stories like yours because we are then able to see … even years later … that the choice of LIFE is the right choice.
I bet your son is one wonderful young man. I know your story will touch the hearts of many frightened girls out there. Maybe your story will give them that extra bit of courage … and something that they can look forward to. Spending the rest of their lives living out “The Right Choice”!
God bless you Cynthia. Thank you again.
Luv Lisa and Becky
Dear Jewel,
I would like to take this opportunity to tell you my story in the hopes it might help someone in making their decision.
I was 18 years old when I found out I was pregnant. I instantly fell in love with the baby. I knew my family would react negatively towards the situation but never would have dreamed that they would completely turn their backs on me.
I was not allowed to live at home anymore. I was forced to live from home to home of my friends, I had no job and one more year of high-school.
I felt alone and scared. Yet, I had my heart filled with love for this tiny little baby inside of me that I so desperately wanted to meet.
I soon gave in to my family and did what they wanted me to do. I had an abortion.
After the abortion, I became withdrawn, anorexic and refused to keep food down. I took laxatives and diet pills…….I was slowly trying to kill myself and nearly did. I was heart broken and it took me years to get over and years to ask god to forgive me. The pain alone nearly killed me.
Now I am 28 years old and yes I still feel the pain. I have gone to three different doctors and they have all told me that I can not have children now. The abortion left my uterus distorted.
What’s worse is that my family has since changed their views on abortion and do not believe it now and that’s not due to my current situation.
I just want to say that it’s your decision and no one else’s. Believe in yourself and in god and you will make the right decision. If your scared…that’s okay. You won’t be scared forever. Just make sure it’s your decision and no one else’s.
I allowed my family to influence my choice because I was scared and alone and I regret that every day of my life and I will have to live with this forever and suffer with watching my friends and my sisters have children knowing that I can not.
Sincerely,
10 years later
Jen
Dear Jen,
I’m so sorry to hear of all you’ve been through. You are right…ultimately, we are the ones who have to live with the long term effect and consequences of our decisions, but panic, pressure, confusion, fear, depression….all these things cause us to make rash decisions that we regret deeply later on. A lot of girls don’t realize that there is help out there for them during these times of crisis. There are places set up for girls to go and stay during their pregnancy and beyond if they don’t have the support that they need from those around them. There are pregnancy centers that they can call or go to where they can get help emotionally, physically and financially. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray for healing, peace and joy for you in your life.
Contact Jewel
Dear Becky — I came across your site by accident and am grateful that I did. After reading many of the touching stories that your site features, I decided it may help to share my own.
My boyfriend Brian and I began to have sex about 8 months into our relationship. He was a 17 year old virgin (very rare quality in a guy) and I had been with one other guy. Brian and I were in love. Throughout the first year of our relationship, we never used a condom, and I wasn’t on any form of birth control, most of the time he just withdrawled and when he didn’t I didn’t end up pregnant so we naiively thought that we weren’t capable of conceiving. He thought that the pot he smoked made him infertile. We also said that if I ever did get pregnant that I would get an abortion. It sounds like we were horrible people to be careless like that and then say that if it happened we would just kill it. We were.
I became pregnant on our one year anniversary, I was only 15 and Brian was 18. The first thing I did when I found out was call him, and he said, you’re getting an abortion right? I was around a bunch of my girl friends and I didn’t want to say it outloud but deep down I knew that it was what I had to do. My whole life all my step dad ever preached against was teen pregnancy. When he found out that Brian and I were having sex he was furious and wouldn’t allow me to see him. Eventually he just gave in because I was so miserable but he always asked if I was being careful, he always urged me to get on birth control. I was his favorite, his little girl and all he ever wanted for me was a successful future. I couldn’t bear the thought of telling him that the only thing he never wanted to happen had happened, due to my lack of responsibility. Then there was the fact that I knew a baby would ruin Brian’s life, or so he told me and our relationship was really in a rut, we were constantly hurting eachother and I didn’t feel the love anymore. I couldn’t bring a child into that. I made an appointment for an abortion.
The day before I was to go to the clinic to get the abortion I was sitting in my living room when someone called my mom. A few minutes later she came into the room and said, that was a conseler from school, she heard a rumor that you were going to get an abortion tomorrow. I started crying and denied it, but I knew that I couldn’t keep it from her so I told her. She asked if it was what I really wanted to do and made sure that no one was forcing me to, like Brian. She said that no matter what I decided to do she would support me and she ever promised me that she wouldn’t tell Curtis (my stepfather). She never gave me the impression that she thought that I should or shouldn’t. She was simply there for me. The main reason that I was getting an abortion was so that I wouldn’t have to face my parents and here was my mom telling me that she’d support ANY decision I made, still I couldn’t imagine telling Curtis, I couldn’t break his heart. So I broke my babies instead.
Needless to say, I went through with it. I tried to get through that day with as little emotion as possible, but when me and Brian were in the waiting room, a couple brought in a new born baby and I just started balling. Why would somebody do that? Bring a baby into a place where many girls sat waiting to kill the ones inside of them? After it was over, which I admit the procedure was not that bad and not very painful, I went home and tried to put it behind me.
That became impossible to do when at school rumors developed and soon everyone was talking about it, critising me, judging me and I had no one to defend me, not even Brian. He wasn’t there for me after I did that for him. He didn’t care what I was going through and was telling people that he was going to break up with me as soon as I became “emotionally stable”. I was so heartbroken. I began to regret it in a big way, I missed the feeling of my baby so much.
Brian and I had a pretty bad relationship from that point on and eventually broke it off for good this summer. I started sleeping around trying to bring back my self esteem and confidence, but nothing helped, I felt like such a horrible person, like no matter what I was going to hell, that God could never forgive me. I thought about my baby constantly, always wondering things like what it would have grown to become, if I really could have done it.
Eventually Brian and I got back together. This time, our relationship was different, he actually showed that he cared about me, he didn’t lie to me and he didn’t cheat on me. We still fought a lot though, but at least I felt the love that was once there. In October, I realized that I was, once again late. I found out that I was pregnant again in November, and this time Brian’s attitude couldn’t have been more opposite of how it was before, he was ecstatic! I knew that I could never go through with another abortion and giving it up for adoption has never once been an option for me, I know that I couldn’t do it. We decided to keep it but everyday I lived in fear of telling my stepdad. Eventually, in January, after I had told my mom (who again said she supported my decision to keep it) he found out. His reaction was not what I expected at all to say the least. He wanted to know what I was planning on doing with my life now, and if I thought I could handle it, and then he surprized me by not freaking out, not disowning me, but being there for me. I couldn’t believe it! I had killed my baby almost a year before mainly because I was so terrified of breaking my step dads heart, and he ends up being happy for me! You’ll never know the amount of regret and guilt that I live with every day because it could have been prevented, I could have done it.
I’m now five months pregnant and me and Brian are excitingly planning out our lives, happier with eachother then weve ever been. Everytime I feel my little baby kick I want to burst with happiness. I know that God has forgiven me, or he would not have blessed me with another chance and this miracle growing inside of me.
I hope that my story teaches someone out there whos alone and afriad that you can do it, and that if you’re very lucky your parents will be there for you and support you all the way, just don’t ever underestimate them, they may be all that you have!
Thank you Becky, for letting me share my story.
Chasity
Dear Chastity,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I had so much fear inside me in the early weeks and months of my pregnancy. One of my biggest fears was how those around me would react when they found out. I knew my parents would be so disappointed. I didn’t want to let them down. My guts were in knots all the time. I wanted to find a way out of this situation, without having to tell anyone. I think a lot of girls face this and they end up choosing to have an abortion. Yes, after the abortion this fear might be gone but this fear is replaced with a grief and anguish so unexpected and so deep…You’ve experienced this. I’m so sorry. You need to know, in the very depth of your being that God loves you and He will always be there for you. Nothing can take His love away from us. Nothing.
I discovered, and I think most girls do, that once I brought everything out into the open and I faced that fear…things started to get easier. I was able to move on and start thinking about my future and my baby’s future. I felt such a freedom and a peace. It was so awesome. I ended up getting a lot more support than I thought, and those people who I thought would disown me or judge me, ended up being there for me.
I am happy to hear about your new little one. What a miracle life is! It is so great to hear that you are getting the love and support you need. I wish you and your baby much joy in the days ahead.
Contact Becky
Dear Jewel,
I am 15 and 17 and 1/2 weeks pregnant. I had an abortion over a year ago, and it was the most horrible thing i ever did. When i found out i was pregnant this time. I knew from the beginning i couldn’t abort it, but with pressure from my mom and from my boyfriend, i ended up going to the abortion clinic and because i was so far along it had to be a 2 day procedure, so i went and they inserted seaweed into my cervix to open them, and i had to go back the next day.
at about 12am after screaming and crying and slamming doors, i went to the emergency room to have the taken out. When i got there i was so happy knowing i was making the right decision and that i had to get the seaweed out ASAP to not have any problems, when the doctor finally got into the room he didn’t even touch me. He told me that he couldn’t do it that i needed to go back to the clinic where they put them in at, since it was 2 hours away and my mom already taking me one time i knew she was not going to be ok with taking me there again and then coming back without terminating the pregnancy.
Going home crying feeling like everybody was against me and my baby i decided i had no other choice but to go through with the abortion. I stayed up all night crying and at 8 in the morning my mom had a change of heart knowing how much it was hurting me to do it and she took me to my ob gyn. He took the seaweed out but told me that there was no promises that i would be able to carry my baby full term because of my cervix being open my body could expel the baby.
Well i went in on friday and everything was fine. I just want to be a mom! To tell all girls that if you have any doubts what so all about having an abortion DONT DO IT! i know that my life is going to be a lot different with a baby, but i got myself into this and its my responsibility. I know of the sacrifices im going to have to make not being able to do what other girls are doing and not going to dances or partying. And i know nothing is going to come easy to me. but im willing to deal with that, and you should be to!
Love,
Heidi
Dear Heidi,
What an inspiring story!!! Thanks so much for sharing that with all of us here at StandUpGirl. It is never too late, is it, to turn back and do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do! You are such a brave girl, Heidi. Good for you, for standing your ground and not giving up. Your baby is going to thank you for this some day. You are giving him or her a chance to live!
You are right, it won’t always be easy (it hasn’t been for me, either)…but it is SO worth it!! It really is. I look at my beautiful daughter and am so thankful that we are able to experience life together. I can’t imagine not having her in my life. The world is definitely a better place with her in it!
I had to grow up fast…but that isn’t such a bad thing. I partied less…but that isn’t such a bad thing either, is it?! I really don’t feel like I missed out on anything important.
I am so proud of you…that you had the courage to do what you did. You are strong! Keep on being strong and know that all of us here are behind you…rooting for you…and willing to talk or help out in any way we can.
Keep in touch!
Dear Lisa — I was 21 years old when I found out I was pregnant. My period was four weeks late, I had been throwing up a lot and I just knew that I was pregnant. It was during finals when I finally took the test. I took it first at Walmart because I didn’t want anyone to know.
I was so nervous that I did the test wrong and had to buy another one. I took that one back to my dorm. I took the test and it immediately started to fill in with two lines. I took a deep breath and went and told one of my suitemates. I wasn’t crying because I think I was in shock. I was a senior in college with plans to go to law school in the fall. I couldn’t be pregnant. I had part of my cervix removed two years before and had been told that I would never be able to carry a baby to term. My suitemate and I started looking for abortion clinics. She didn’t say every way if she thought I should get an abortion or not. She was just there for me. I had always been pro-life but now I was scared and my beliefs just crashed. It was like everything that mattered to me before and who I was before no longer mattered.
The worst part was that I wasn’t sure who the father was. I had been dating two guys for a few weeks. One of the guys I had dated on and off for five years. His name is Joe. The other guy, Mike, I had only been dating for two months. Joe had known I was dating Mike but Mike had no idea I was still involved with Joe. I had ended things with Joe about a month and a half before but I had been sleeping with both until about a week after my last period. Mike and I were now exclusive but as far as I knew at the time, I had been with both guys when I conceived. Mike and I had used condoms all but one time. Joe and I never did. I really cared about both the guys. Although Mike was the better guy and would treat me and the baby better, at the time I wanted Joe to be the father. I knew he would let me get the abortion. I conviced myself that it was Joe who got me pregnant
I went home that afternoon and told Joe. I couldn’t stop crying. He held me and said “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling inside but please stop crying.” We sat down for a while and talked. He was pro-life too but quickly folded when I told him I wanted an abortion. We made an appointment for the abortion and tried not to talk or think about it.
I blew off Mike’s calls for the next week. He was out of town on business so it was easy to avoid him. I had started to fall in love with him but put that out of my head. I knew we would never be togther again. He had told me many times that although he was pro-choice, he would never let a girl abort his child.
So Joe and I went down to Planned Parenthood. There were protestors standing outside and I started to cry. I kept saying I can’t do this. Joe held my hand and told me that I had the same beliefs as them. We all believed that what I was about to do was wrong, but Joe and I saw it as the only option. We parked down a back street and cut through someone’s yard so we wouldn’t have to face the protestors. We ended up having to walk right by them to get to the front door though. They had all these pictures of aborted fetuses and I just kept crying. I’m 21 but I look about 15. I know they all thought I was in high school. I made Joe promise to keep the protestors away from me but I could still hear what they were saying. One of the men told me to go to the building next door, called Problem Pregnancy. He told me that no matter what was wrong, they could help me.
I shrugged him off and went inside the building. Joe asked me if I wanted to go talk to someone but I said no. I just wanted this to all be over. I had already been so sick and miserable. I had told Joe over and over again that if the child had a heartbeat I couldn’t do it. We stood in that doorway for a moment waiting for the security guard to come out and buzz us into the next room. Joe asked me one more time if I wanted to go over and talk to the other people and I said yes.
He took my hand and led me over to the other building. It was mid-December and freezing outside but all these people were standing outside waiting for someone like me to come over. The lady who approached us invited us inside and gave me some water. I was still crying. She took some basic info from us and asked why we were getting the abortion. I told her about my cervix and how poor Joe and I were. We had both been kicked out of our houses at one point or another. I had a job but barely made $100 every two weeks. I couldn’t drop out of school because I’d lose my health insurance. The whole time we were there I kept rubbing my stomach. I told her that I thought my mom would kick me out again. She listened to everything we said and then started giving us solutions. She could find us a place to live (she even said we could bring our dogs). She would help us talk to our parents if we wanted. She would help us with food and clothes. She would get us a crib for the baby. She would do whatever we needed as long as we promised not to abort the child.
I had thought that they would be really preachy but they weren’t. They just listened and tried to help. Not once did I get yelled at for having unsafe sex. I asked about the heartbeat and they told me that the baby’s heart had been beating since week three. I was at week eight now. They did an ultrasound and I got to see my daughter for the first time. I knew all along that it was a girl. People think I”m crazy but its true. We even got to see her heartbeat on the ultrasound. Joe and I looked at each other and we knew I was keeping the baby. I told him that he didn’t have to be involved. We knew we were facing a rough road especially since we didn’t think my boyfriend was her father. I’m still so thankful to Joe. If it hadn’t been for him, I would have killed my child.
The next day I made and appointment with my doctor and they told me that I could probably carry the baby to term. We would all just have to be extra careful. I also found out that there was no way Joe could be the father. When I concieved, I had only been sleeping with Mike. I didn’t realize that the date you concieved is actually two weeks later than how pregnant you are. I was upset because i knew I was going to hurt Joe after he had already been there for me so much. I knew I was going to keep this baby though no matter what. I told Joe that day and he was very very angry with me. He wouldn’t speak to me or look at me. I still feel like a horrible person.
Mike called me that night and accused me of seeing someone else. He couldn’t understand why I was avoiding him. I finally broke down and told him I was pregnant. He didnt’ speak for a moment and then asked if I was positive. I told him I had the ultrasound and knew for sure. He was so excited! He’s a bit older than me and has a good job. He asked how I was feeling and what was going through my head. We talked for a little while and then he let me go to call his mom and sister. He was so excited! This was the first time that I was excited, too. It was a week before Christmas.
Things haven’t been easy. I was really sick for the first three months. I threw up everyday and was just miserable. I lost ten lbs and wished constantly that I wasn’t pregnant. Now my feet are swollen and I can barely walk. I got mad at Mike because he could still go out with his friends and drink but I couldn’t. Joe eventually came around and has also really been there for me. My friends have been amazing too.
My sister found out she was pregnant about a week after I did. She’s a few years older and married so everyone was thrilled for her. I was still embarassed so I didn’t tell her for a few weeks.She eventually asked because she had noticed how sick I was. I told her the truth and she was so happy for me and Mike. I met Mike through her and she kept telling me what a great guy he was. Telling my mom was a lot tougher but we eventually did it. Mike came with me and held my hand as we told her. She wasn’t happy but she’s been supportive. Mike’s family has been amazing. They’re there whenever I need to talk.
I am now in my six month. My beautiful little girl is due in July. We know for a fact now that I’m carrying a little girl. I never thought I could love anyone or anything this much. She’s my daughter. I feel her kick and it’s so amazing. It hurts so bad when I think of how close I came to killing her and I was going to kill my daughter because I was embarassed. I am so in love with her and can’t wait to see her and hold her for the first time. Being pregnant is not fun but I know it will all be worth it when I see her beautiful face.
Thanks for listening and thanks for having a site like this,
Alicia
Wow Alicia!
What an amazing story you have! My name is Lisa and I help Becky with some of her e-mail at the Stand-Up Girl website. You truly are a Stand-Up Girl!
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You explained everything where I almost felt like I was there! I am so excited for you and please share with us again after you see her face for the first time.
Thank you again Alicia.
Luv Lisa
Becky and Lisa | Contact Becky
