Dear Lisa — I was 21 years old when I found out I was pregnant. My period was four weeks late, I had been throwing up a lot and I just knew that I was pregnant. It was during finals when I finally took the test. I took it first at Walmart because I didn’t want anyone to know.

I was so nervous that I did the test wrong and had to buy another one. I took that one back to my dorm. I took the test and it immediately started to fill in with two lines. I took a deep breath and went and told one of my suitemates. I wasn’t crying because I think I was in shock. I was a senior in college with plans to go to law school in the fall. I couldn’t be pregnant. I had part of my cervix removed two years before and had been told that I would never be able to carry a baby to term. My suitemate and I started looking for abortion clinics. She didn’t say every way if she thought I should get an abortion or not. She was just there for me. I had always been pro-life but now I was scared and my beliefs just crashed. It was like everything that mattered to me before and who I was before no longer mattered.

The worst part was that I wasn’t sure who the father was. I had been dating two guys for a few weeks. One of the guys I had dated on and off for five years. His name is Joe. The other guy, Mike, I had only been dating for two months. Joe had known I was dating Mike but Mike had no idea I was still involved with Joe. I had ended things with Joe about a month and a half before but I had been sleeping with both until about a week after my last period. Mike and I were now exclusive but as far as I knew at the time, I had been with both guys when I conceived. Mike and I had used condoms all but one time. Joe and I never did. I really cared about both the guys. Although Mike was the better guy and would treat me and the baby better, at the time I wanted Joe to be the father. I knew he would let me get the abortion. I conviced myself that it was Joe who got me pregnant

I went home that afternoon and told Joe. I couldn’t stop crying. He held me and said “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling inside but please stop crying.” We sat down for a while and talked. He was pro-life too but quickly folded when I told him I wanted an abortion. We made an appointment for the abortion and tried not to talk or think about it.

I blew off Mike’s calls for the next week. He was out of town on business so it was easy to avoid him. I had started to fall in love with him but put that out of my head. I knew we would never be togther again. He had told me many times that although he was pro-choice, he would never let a girl abort his child.

So Joe and I went down to Planned Parenthood. There were protestors standing outside and I started to cry. I kept saying I can’t do this. Joe held my hand and told me that I had the same beliefs as them. We all believed that what I was about to do was wrong, but Joe and I saw it as the only option. We parked down a back street and cut through someone’s yard so we wouldn’t have to face the protestors. We ended up having to walk right by them to get to the front door though. They had all these pictures of aborted fetuses and I just kept crying. I’m 21 but I look about 15. I know they all thought I was in high school. I made Joe promise to keep the protestors away from me but I could still hear what they were saying. One of the men told me to go to the building next door, called Problem Pregnancy. He told me that no matter what was wrong, they could help me.

I shrugged him off and went inside the building. Joe asked me if I wanted to go talk to someone but I said no. I just wanted this to all be over. I had already been so sick and miserable. I had told Joe over and over again that if the child had a heartbeat I couldn’t do it. We stood in that doorway for a moment waiting for the security guard to come out and buzz us into the next room. Joe asked me one more time if I wanted to go over and talk to the other people and I said yes.

He took my hand and led me over to the other building. It was mid-December and freezing outside but all these people were standing outside waiting for someone like me to come over. The lady who approached us invited us inside and gave me some water. I was still crying. She took some basic info from us and asked why we were getting the abortion. I told her about my cervix and how poor Joe and I were. We had both been kicked out of our houses at one point or another. I had a job but barely made $100 every two weeks. I couldn’t drop out of school because I’d lose my health insurance. The whole time we were there I kept rubbing my stomach. I told her that I thought my mom would kick me out again. She listened to everything we said and then started giving us solutions. She could find us a place to live (she even said we could bring our dogs). She would help us talk to our parents if we wanted. She would help us with food and clothes. She would get us a crib for the baby. She would do whatever we needed as long as we promised not to abort the child.

I had thought that they would be really preachy but they weren’t. They just listened and tried to help. Not once did I get yelled at for having unsafe sex. I asked about the heartbeat and they told me that the baby’s heart had been beating since week three. I was at week eight now. They did an ultrasound and I got to see my daughter for the first time. I knew all along that it was a girl. People think I”m crazy but its true. We even got to see her heartbeat on the ultrasound. Joe and I looked at each other and we knew I was keeping the baby. I told him that he didn’t have to be involved. We knew we were facing a rough road especially since we didn’t think my boyfriend was her father. I’m still so thankful to Joe. If it hadn’t been for him, I would have killed my child.

The next day I made and appointment with my doctor and they told me that I could probably carry the baby to term. We would all just have to be extra careful. I also found out that there was no way Joe could be the father. When I concieved, I had only been sleeping with Mike. I didn’t realize that the date you concieved is actually two weeks later than how pregnant you are. I was upset because i knew I was going to hurt Joe after he had already been there for me so much. I knew I was going to keep this baby though no matter what. I told Joe that day and he was very very angry with me. He wouldn’t speak to me or look at me. I still feel like a horrible person.

Mike called me that night and accused me of seeing someone else. He couldn’t understand why I was avoiding him. I finally broke down and told him I was pregnant. He didnt’ speak for a moment and then asked if I was positive. I told him I had the ultrasound and knew for sure. He was so excited! He’s a bit older than me and has a good job. He asked how I was feeling and what was going through my head. We talked for a little while and then he let me go to call his mom and sister. He was so excited! This was the first time that I was excited, too. It was a week before Christmas.

Things haven’t been easy. I was really sick for the first three months. I threw up everyday and was just miserable. I lost ten lbs and wished constantly that I wasn’t pregnant. Now my feet are swollen and I can barely walk. I got mad at Mike because he could still go out with his friends and drink but I couldn’t. Joe eventually came around and has also really been there for me. My friends have been amazing too.

My sister found out she was pregnant about a week after I did. She’s a few years older and married so everyone was thrilled for her. I was still embarassed so I didn’t tell her for a few weeks.She eventually asked because she had noticed how sick I was. I told her the truth and she was so happy for me and Mike. I met Mike through her and she kept telling me what a great guy he was. Telling my mom was a lot tougher but we eventually did it. Mike came with me and held my hand as we told her. She wasn’t happy but she’s been supportive. Mike’s family has been amazing. They’re there whenever I need to talk.

I am now in my six month. My beautiful little girl is due in July. We know for a fact now that I’m carrying a little girl. I never thought I could love anyone or anything this much. She’s my daughter. I feel her kick and it’s so amazing. It hurts so bad when I think of how close I came to killing her and I was going to kill my daughter because I was embarassed. I am so in love with her and can’t wait to see her and hold her for the first time. Being pregnant is not fun but I know it will all be worth it when I see her beautiful face.

Thanks for listening and thanks for having a site like this,

Alicia

Wow Alicia!

What an amazing story you have! My name is Lisa and I help Becky with some of her e-mail at the Stand-Up Girl website. You truly are a Stand-Up Girl!

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You explained everything where I almost felt like I was there! I am so excited for you and please share with us again after you see her face for the first time.

Thank you again Alicia.

Luv Lisa

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