My Heart Was Ripped

Dear Becky and Lisa,

Hi! My name is Crystal and I just wanted to say that your site has got to be the best I’ve visited about pregnancy! All the stories on your site have touched my heart and I actually cried when I read a few of them. I myself had to deal with the same frightening questions…..here is my story… March 16th, 2004 started out like any other day for me: wake up, have a shower, get ready for work. I was eating a bowl of cereal when I got extremely nauseous. I am normally a VERY healthy person and hadn’t eaten anything past its “best before date” so I was a little worried. I called work and told them that I wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t coming in.

I went to a walk-in clinic instead. They asked me the routine questions (how long have you felt this way? did you eat something rotten? Have you been under stress lately?) Then came the question that stopped my heart cold…..when was your last period? I felt all the blood drain away as I told the doc that I was a few days late…..He ran a few tests and said that he would call me in a few days with the results. I didn’t want to wait so I went to the local drug store and got a test. When I got home I looked at it for about 15 minutes before I finally got the courage to take it. 3 minutes seemed like three hours! When the timer went off I took a deep breath and went into the bathroom….positive…..I didn’t know what to do! I was 22! Too young to be a mother…..what would my boyfriend say? We live together and he has a job that takes him around the province sometimes for days! Luckily he was due home that night.

I sat on the toilet and thought hard about my choices, what I would tell him, my parents, his parents, and bawled like a newborn myself. I’m not really against or for abortion I believe that there are pros and cons, but I couldn’t se myself getting or having one. I have siblings I don’t know and I wouldn’t want to never know my child so adoption was out too. Keeping my baby was the only choice for me…(I actually made pro and con lists for all three choices.) When my boyfriend came home I didn’t even let him take his shoes off before I told him I had something to tell him. He looked at me, grinned and said “did I forget to take the garbage out again?” I started shaking my head and burst into tears again. He hugged me and asked what was wrong. I told him to go look on top of the toilet. He gave me a very (laugh) strange look and went to the bathroom. When he came out he was holding the test and had a look of utter shock on his face. “Is this what I think it is?” he asked. I nodded and tears fell down my cheeks. He walked over to me and with one hand wiped my tears away. With the other hand he slowly placed it on my stomach and said “Wow, I’m gonna be a dad.” He looked at me with tears in his eyes and I knew everything would be alright. We got on the phone and called just about everyone we knew! Our parents were thrilled! his mom started asking all the questions (she’s an RPN) and giving me some great tips on vitamins and other things I would need.

The clinic called a few days later to confirm what I already knew. I asked for some referrals to doctors and they gave me a few. I made my first appointment with Dr. Cathy Morris for March 25th. I was a month and a half along. Everything went smoothly for the first few weeks, I ate right, got lots of rest, started walking and stretching to get in shape. At the start of my sixth month I woke up to some horrible stomach cramps. I couldn’t even move the pain was so intense I could hardly breathe. I woke my boyfriend up and he called 911. “Is this supposed to happen?” He asked me frantically. “Oh god I don’t think so!” I replied. I had no idea what labor pains were like, but this hurt! I tried to sit up and when I pulled the covers away I realized the sheet was bloody. “No, please it’s too soon!” I started to cry and when my bf came back from the bathroom his face went white. “Crystal! What-” his question was cut off by a knock on the door. He ran to let the paramedics in while I tried to put my robe on. They put me on a stretcher and quickly put me in the ambulance. They radioed ahead to let the hospital we were coming and I heard them say…….hemorrhaging……As scared as I was when I found out about this baby I wanted it very much now! When we got to the hospital they took me straight to an examination room. My bf had called our doc, but she wasn’t there yet so I saw the doc that was there. They strapped a monitor on me to hear and see the baby and did a quick examination. I was 7 centimeters dilated!  When Dr. Morris arrived I started to cry. “I can’t have the baby yet!” I screamed! “Please stop it!” She looked at me and told me that there was nothing she could do and a lot of baby’s born premature, even this premature live. I was in labor for 8 more hours and on August 7th 2004 at 11:30 in the morning we said hello to Hannah Lynne. She weighed 3 Lbs. 6 oz. and went straight into the neo-natal unit where she had numerous monitors and tubes around and in her. For six weeks my beautiful baby struggled to live, breathe and thrive. September 24th, 2004 she took one last breath, and while holding my hand…….died. My heart was ripped out of my chest. I couldn’t breathe, move, or let go of her hand. I shut my eyes and tried to ignore the brutal reality that was right in front of me. “Hannah! Oh God please don’t take my baby! NO!” My bf held me tight to his chest and sobbed. We got to hold her one last time and the nurses took some pictures of us. I’ll never forget the day that I had to kiss my dead daughter and say good-bye to a precious gift that was taken away too soon. I think of her every day. My pain has not lessened, though I go on everyday, trying to live my life without her. I never thought about this con when I thought about my choices……I thought I would share my story of fright, joy, and then pain. I hope that no one who reads it will be moved to a different choice, and wanted them to know that although I lost my Hannah, I was 6 of the best weeks of my life with a miracle.

To all those who are lost and scared….there really is so much to look forward too! My situation is rare!

thank-you for taking the time to read my story…..

Crystal

Dear Crystal:

As you said that you read stories that made you cry – your story most definitely touched and tore at my heart. Oh Chrystal I am so sorry for what you have gone through and at the same time, the blessing that you had to love and touch your baby is, I’m sure a memory that you hold very dear. You will not be haunted by a memory of a wrong choice made. You made the loving choice of life and your baby Hannah knew you loved her.

Crystal – thank you so much for taking the time to write us about your story. I hope you will remember that the beautiful choice for life that you made was the most loving thing you could give your baby girl.

Just let me know.

We are here for you should you ever need a friend to talk to. Take care of yourself Crystal.

Luv Lisa

Walking into the Clinic

Hi my name is jenna and 3 weeks ago i went through an abortion. I hate myself for it and wanted to tell others to really make them think about what they are going to do.I found out i was pregnant 6 weeks ago and my first thought was i am going to have an abortion.I am only 14 and had been sleeping with my then boyfriend andy for a couple of months.

We never took birth control as it wasn’t an issue and we thought we would be fine, i now realise how stupid i was. Andy was 18 – four years older and we had been together for 4 months.He was everything you could want and was my best friend as well as a boyfriend.

It was a month after school had started back that i thought i could be pregnant.I had been feeling dizzy and was sick a lot.My friend lucy* knew and it was her who persuaded me to take a test.I went to the doctors and as soon as i saw the blue line i started to cry.I wanted an abortion right away, i was so scared of what my parents would say that i just wanted get this over with.I never told andy that i was going because i wanted to know for sure before i said anything.For the rest of that day i was in a daze.I never thought i would have had to make a decision like that.That night i spoke to lucy and she was so nice, but kept saying that it was my decision and that was the hardest bit. I didn’t think i could make it, i wanted someone else to make it for me! When i told andy he was shocked and didn’t know what to say.Later we sat and talked for ages about it and he said he would support me whatever i did.

It took me two days to decide and even then i wasn’t sure.I was too young and i couldn’t even look after myself never mind another little person.Andy said he would come with me and i arranged for an abortion the following thursday.I decided not to tell my parent’s, i was too worried about what they would say.They would have wanted me to keep the baby in the end .Being a mum scared me to death but part of me did want to have a child.I put those thoughts to the back of my mind and only concentrated on how hard it would be.

The night before the abortion, Andy phoned me to say he couldn’t go through with it and wanted me to change my mind.He said he couldn’t come with me.I knew then that we were going to split up.I couldn’t sleep that night.Lucy phoned me to make sure i was ok and i tried to say i was fine.She didn’t want me to go through with this on my own but i did.I lied to my friends and said andy was coming.I was ashamed of what i had done.

I’ll never forget walking into the clinic.There were 8 other girls, all different ages and each had someone with them.I wanted to run away, but i stayed because i knew i had to do this.The nurses were all very nice when i filled out the forms but i kept thinking they thought we were all slags who slept around.I had to wait for 1/2 an hour as i was only getting the pill.When i took it i told myself that this pill was only an asprin and i wasn’t doing anything bad! Once it was over they told me to wait while they sorted out my tablets to take home.I was put in a room with two other girls one was 16 the other 21.They had both been crying.We talked about why we had done this and one of the girls had been talked into it by her parents.I was shocked and felt so sorry for her.I would have thought her parents would know how important a child is and would have talked through her options with her.For the next few days i put on a brave face and pretented i was fine.The truth was i would cry non-stop at home and it was hard to go out and see young families or hear children crying.

I went back 3 days later and was told that everything was fine and it had worked.For the next week i had cramps a lot and was ill.It was a horrible feeling in my stomach – like someone had taken something out of you.I promised myself that i would never go through that again.I think every day – if i was still pregnant and hadn’t got an abortion, how big would i be ? and how happy would I be.I know how excited i would be about the baby being born and it growing inside me.I think i was pushed into abortion because i thought it was the easy way out.PLEASE, Please think about what you are going to do.I know i am going to regret this for the rest of my life and would give anything to change what i have done.Others can think what they like about abortion but you never know what its like until it happens to you. Thank you for your this site,It has made me realise im not alone and
reading others stories helped.Thank you for listening. x

Jenna
Irving, edinburgh, scotland

Dear Jenna – I am so very sorry that you have gone through this terrible experience. My heart aches for you.

My name is Lisa and I help Becky at the Stand-Up Girl website with some of her e-mail. I am a previous Stand-Up Girl from her website.

I know and truly understand your heartache. You are exactly right. You can never understand … unless you have been there. It is almost like our own little room of pain that only we can enter into and no-one else knows about it.

But may I say Jenna that you can find freedom from your pain. Freedom from that broken heart. I have and I would love to share a link with you that you can go to. Call them and find out if they have a group called “Forgiven
and Set Free” abortion recovery. I will copy a link below. I know you are in Scotland and if you cannot locate anything in your area, let me know and I will copy another link that should be national.

In the meantime Jenna – if you ever want to e-mail someone that understands your pain, I would love to offer my hand of friendship to you. Here is my story so you know how much I understand you.

Take care of yourself and thank you so very much for sharing your story.

Luv Lisa

Being So Young

Hi Becky and Lisa — My name is Alaryca and I’m 16…a little over a month ago I found out I was pregnant. Of course being so young you can imagine the feelings running through my head, and still to this very moment. I thought my life was over and I had no idea what I should do…

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I Couldn’t Tell Him

 

teen leaning on benchwhen i was 18 i got pregnant. i had just graduated high school a week before. and i was on the patch too! 99-100% guaranteed? yeah right! me and my boyfriend of a year were breaking up. he was always stoned and i couldn’t stand it anymore, but it was still killing me to lose him. we decided to ‘do it’ one last time, i don’t know why? after the break up, i got really heavy into drugs and drinking, i don’t remember being sober for more than 12 hours. i dropped 20lbs. and took my 5’7″ body down to 110lbs! i would constantly have emotional break downs and was constantly contemplating suicide. i felt like everything was leaving me. my mom was diagnosed with cancer and only had 3-6 months to live, she was my best friend.

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I Lived In Constant Fear

holding baby feetMy story begins at birth, actually I was born dead. It took the doctors 5 minutes to get me breathing. At 7 minutes, they stop. I was born six weeks early. God had a plan for me and was not going to let me go.

My childhood years included verbal, physical and sexual abuse; ritual abuse; alcoholism; mental illness and abandonment. I longed for attention, approval and love. Mostly love. I searched for love anywhere and everywhere.

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The Last Resort

Dear Lisa,

I don’t know if you remember my email because I know that you gets tons daily but my name is Sonia and I had written you in one of the most darkest periods of my life. Earlier this year I was pregnant 21 yrs old, my husband left me earlier and was living the bachelor life as a navy sailor and I just did not know what to do with my life, let alone raise a baby by myself.

A greater power or something led me to your website and as a last resort I decided to email you, and you really opened my eyes about this miracle I was carrying. You were so simple in your words yet they touched me and reached me. You said I was brave and I can do it , and I think I just needed someone to tell me.

Well my baby girl Samantha was born on the fourth of july and this little firecracker has been the most beautiful presence in my life and its funny because it feels like this is what I was put here for. I love to be needed by this little girl. I love her so much I want to cry every time I see her.

I can also understand how so many young girls are scared and get an abortion. I was almost one of them. Just keep giving your wonderful advice Lisa because all girls really need sometimes is someone to tell them yah you can do it your heart is strong. I have a baby and life is still wonderful even more because you told me it would. Im a single mother but I love life with my Sami. You feel like such a close friend and I will forever be grateful that I emailed you and you were gracious enough to email back. You a beautiful person.

Thank-You
Sonia 🙂

Sonia

Dearest Sonia,

My heart is so full of happiness … I want to hug you and laugh. You have so made my day Sonia! I am overjoyed for you.

I bet she is beautiful and Sonia – you are such a beautiful mommy. What a beautiful gift you have given to your daughter. The gift of LIFE and the gift of LOVE.

May I say … what a wonderful gift you have given me today. A smile that will not leave my heart and my face … and a new friend in you.

Please keep in touch and let me know how you and how Samantha is. I’d love to hear all about the good and even the bad. I’m here … your friend in California.

God bless you … and please do keep in touch.

Luv Lisa