My Heart Was Ripped

by | 2005 | Dear Becky

Dear Becky and Lisa, Hi! My name is Crystal and I just wanted to say that your site has got to be the best I’ve visited about pregnancy! All the stories on your site have touched my heart and I actually cried when I read a few of them. I myself had to deal with […]
my baby's life is over

Dear Becky and Lisa,

Hi! My name is Crystal and I just wanted to say that your site has got to be the best I’ve visited about pregnancy! All the stories on your site have touched my heart and I actually cried when I read a few of them. I myself had to deal with the same frightening questions… is my story… March 16th, 2004 started out like any other day for me: wake up, have a shower, get ready for work. I was eating a bowl of cereal when I got extremely nauseous. I am normally a VERY healthy person and hadn’t eaten anything past its “best before date” so I was a little worried. I called work and told them that I wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t coming in.

I went to a walk-in clinic instead. They asked me the routine questions (how long have you felt this way? did you eat something rotten? Have you been under stress lately?) Then came the question that stopped my heart cold…..when was your last period? I felt all the blood drain away as I told the doc that I was a few days late…..He ran a few tests and said that he would call me in a few days with the results. I didn’t want to wait so I went to the local drug store and got a test. When I got home I looked at it for about 15 minutes before I finally got the courage to take it. 3 minutes seemed like three hours! When the timer went off I took a deep breath and went into the bathroom….positive…..I didn’t know what to do! I was 22! Too young to be a mother…..what would my boyfriend say? We live together and he has a job that takes him around the province sometimes for days! Luckily he was due home that night.

I sat on the toilet and thought hard about my choices, what I would tell him, my parents, his parents, and bawled like a newborn myself. I’m not really against or for abortion I believe that there are pros and cons, but I couldn’t se myself getting or having one. I have siblings I don’t know and I wouldn’t want to never know my child so adoption was out too. Keeping my baby was the only choice for me…(I actually made pro and con lists for all three choices.) When my boyfriend came home I didn’t even let him take his shoes off before I told him I had something to tell him. He looked at me, grinned and said “did I forget to take the garbage out again?” I started shaking my head and burst into tears again. He hugged me and asked what was wrong. I told him to go look on top of the toilet. He gave me a very (laugh) strange look and went to the bathroom. When he came out he was holding the test and had a look of utter shock on his face. “Is this what I think it is?” he asked. I nodded and tears fell down my cheeks. He walked over to me and with one hand wiped my tears away. With the other hand he slowly placed it on my stomach and said “Wow, I’m gonna be a dad.” He looked at me with tears in his eyes and I knew everything would be alright. We got on the phone and called just about everyone we knew! Our parents were thrilled! his mom started asking all the questions (she’s an RPN) and giving me some great tips on vitamins and other things I would need.

The clinic called a few days later to confirm what I already knew. I asked for some referrals to doctors and they gave me a few. I made my first appointment with Dr. Cathy Morris for March 25th. I was a month and a half along. Everything went smoothly for the first few weeks, I ate right, got lots of rest, started walking and stretching to get in shape. At the start of my sixth month I woke up to some horrible stomach cramps. I couldn’t even move the pain was so intense I could hardly breathe. I woke my boyfriend up and he called 911. “Is this supposed to happen?” He asked me frantically. “Oh god I don’t think so!” I replied. I had no idea what labor pains were like, but this hurt! I tried to sit up and when I pulled the covers away I realized the sheet was bloody. “No, please it’s too soon!” I started to cry and when my bf came back from the bathroom his face went white. “Crystal! What-” his question was cut off by a knock on the door. He ran to let the paramedics in while I tried to put my robe on. They put me on a stretcher and quickly put me in the ambulance. They radioed ahead to let the hospital we were coming and I heard them say…….hemorrhaging……As scared as I was when I found out about this baby I wanted it very much now! When we got to the hospital they took me straight to an examination room. My bf had called our doc, but she wasn’t there yet so I saw the doc that was there. They strapped a monitor on me to hear and see the baby and did a quick examination. I was 7 centimeters dilated!  When Dr. Morris arrived I started to cry. “I can’t have the baby yet!” I screamed! “Please stop it!” She looked at me and told me that there was nothing she could do and a lot of baby’s born premature, even this premature live. I was in labor for 8 more hours and on August 7th 2004 at 11:30 in the morning we said hello to Hannah Lynne. She weighed 3 Lbs. 6 oz. and went straight into the neo-natal unit where she had numerous monitors and tubes around and in her. For six weeks my beautiful baby struggled to live, breathe and thrive. September 24th, 2004 she took one last breath, and while holding my hand…….died. My heart was ripped out of my chest. I couldn’t breathe, move, or let go of her hand. I shut my eyes and tried to ignore the brutal reality that was right in front of me. “Hannah! Oh God please don’t take my baby! NO!” My bf held me tight to his chest and sobbed. We got to hold her one last time and the nurses took some pictures of us. I’ll never forget the day that I had to kiss my dead daughter and say good-bye to a precious gift that was taken away too soon. I think of her every day. My pain has not lessened, though I go on everyday, trying to live my life without her. I never thought about this con when I thought about my choices……I thought I would share my story of fright, joy, and then pain. I hope that no one who reads it will be moved to a different choice, and wanted them to know that although I lost my Hannah, I was 6 of the best weeks of my life with a miracle.

To all those who are lost and scared….there really is so much to look forward too! My situation is rare!

thank-you for taking the time to read my story…..


Dear Crystal:

As you said that you read stories that made you cry – your story most definitely touched and tore at my heart. Oh Chrystal I am so sorry for what you have gone through and at the same time, the blessing that you had to love and touch your baby is, I’m sure a memory that you hold very dear. You will not be haunted by a memory of a wrong choice made. You made the loving choice of life and your baby Hannah knew you loved her.

Crystal – thank you so much for taking the time to write us about your story. I hope you will remember that the beautiful choice for life that you made was the most loving thing you could give your baby girl.

Just let me know.

We are here for you should you ever need a friend to talk to. Take care of yourself Crystal.

Luv Lisa

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