Walking into the Clinic

by | 2005 | Dear Becky

Hi my name is jenna and 3 weeks ago i went through an abortion. I hate myself for it and wanted to tell others to really make them think about what they are going to do.I found out i was pregnant 6 weeks ago and my first thought was i am going to have an […]
feeling alone after abortion

Hi my name is jenna and 3 weeks ago i went through an abortion. I hate myself for it and wanted to tell others to really make them think about what they are going to do.I found out i was pregnant 6 weeks ago and my first thought was i am going to have an abortion.I am only 14 and had been sleeping with my then boyfriend andy for a couple of months.

We never took birth control as it wasn’t an issue and we thought we would be fine, i now realise how stupid i was. Andy was 18 – four years older and we had been together for 4 months.He was everything you could want and was my best friend as well as a boyfriend.

It was a month after school had started back that i thought i could be pregnant.I had been feeling dizzy and was sick a lot.My friend lucy* knew and it was her who persuaded me to take a test.I went to the doctors and as soon as i saw the blue line i started to cry.I wanted an abortion right away, i was so scared of what my parents would say that i just wanted get this over with.I never told andy that i was going because i wanted to know for sure before i said anything.For the rest of that day i was in a daze.I never thought i would have had to make a decision like that.That night i spoke to lucy and she was so nice, but kept saying that it was my decision and that was the hardest bit. I didn’t think i could make it, i wanted someone else to make it for me! When i told andy he was shocked and didn’t know what to say.Later we sat and talked for ages about it and he said he would support me whatever i did.

It took me two days to decide and even then i wasn’t sure.I was too young and i couldn’t even look after myself never mind another little person.Andy said he would come with me and i arranged for an abortion the following thursday.I decided not to tell my parent’s, i was too worried about what they would say.They would have wanted me to keep the baby in the end .Being a mum scared me to death but part of me did want to have a child.I put those thoughts to the back of my mind and only concentrated on how hard it would be.

The night before the abortion, Andy phoned me to say he couldn’t go through with it and wanted me to change my mind.He said he couldn’t come with me.I knew then that we were going to split up.I couldn’t sleep that night.Lucy phoned me to make sure i was ok and i tried to say i was fine.She didn’t want me to go through with this on my own but i did.I lied to my friends and said andy was coming.I was ashamed of what i had done.

I’ll never forget walking into the clinic.There were 8 other girls, all different ages and each had someone with them.I wanted to run away, but i stayed because i knew i had to do this.The nurses were all very nice when i filled out the forms but i kept thinking they thought we were all slags who slept around.I had to wait for 1/2 an hour as i was only getting the pill.When i took it i told myself that this pill was only an asprin and i wasn’t doing anything bad! Once it was over they told me to wait while they sorted out my tablets to take home.I was put in a room with two other girls one was 16 the other 21.They had both been crying.We talked about why we had done this and one of the girls had been talked into it by her parents.I was shocked and felt so sorry for her.I would have thought her parents would know how important a child is and would have talked through her options with her.For the next few days i put on a brave face and pretented i was fine.The truth was i would cry non-stop at home and it was hard to go out and see young families or hear children crying.

I went back 3 days later and was told that everything was fine and it had worked.For the next week i had cramps a lot and was ill.It was a horrible feeling in my stomach – like someone had taken something out of you.I promised myself that i would never go through that again.I think every day – if i was still pregnant and hadn’t got an abortion, how big would i be ? and how happy would I be.I know how excited i would be about the baby being born and it growing inside me.I think i was pushed into abortion because i thought it was the easy way out.PLEASE, Please think about what you are going to do.I know i am going to regret this for the rest of my life and would give anything to change what i have done.Others can think what they like about abortion but you never know what its like until it happens to you. Thank you for your this site,It has made me realise im not alone and
reading others stories helped.Thank you for listening. x

Irving, edinburgh, scotland

Dear Jenna – I am so very sorry that you have gone through this terrible experience. My heart aches for you.

My name is Lisa and I help Becky at the Stand-Up Girl website with some of her e-mail. I am a previous Stand-Up Girl from her website.

I know and truly understand your heartache. You are exactly right. You can never understand … unless you have been there. It is almost like our own little room of pain that only we can enter into and no-one else knows about it.

But may I say Jenna that you can find freedom from your pain. Freedom from that broken heart. I have and I would love to share a link with you that you can go to. Call them and find out if they have a group called “Forgiven
and Set Free” abortion recovery. I will copy a link below. I know you are in Scotland and if you cannot locate anything in your area, let me know and I will copy another link that should be national.

In the meantime Jenna – if you ever want to e-mail someone that understands your pain, I would love to offer my hand of friendship to you. Here is my story so you know how much I understand you.

Take care of yourself and thank you so very much for sharing your story.

Luv Lisa

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