Well, since I last wrote the beginning to my story,
I finally got pregnant!
I will never forget November 3rd, the morning the love of my life and I found out I was pregnant. Following that morning, we wrecked our car. We were okay. Only a burn on my collarbone from the seat belt and I was a little shook up. But following the days on the 5th of November, I miscarried. We were devastated. We fell in love with our little cheeto as we called it as soon as we found out I was pregnant. And once we finally got what we had wanted, just like that, it disappeared. But our baby is in heaven now and my doctor told me we could try again once I have my next full cycle. Well, it’s been a month and Flo was due today but she has yet to arrive so this week we shall see if our prayers have been answered!
On another note I found out my cousin is pregnant! So this should be a lot of fun! :]
OH MY GOD. I’ve never been sooooo impatient in my life!!
I’m 39 weeks tomorrow and dying to go into labor already. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow & Hopefully, they check my cervix! They still haven’t yet… If I’m dilated or effaced at all, I’m going to walk a million miles and drive on a really bumpy road! I’m pretty much desperate to get him out…
As for my Christmas… Guess who got engaged(: Meeeeeee!!!! Hehe. No, he didn’t get down on one knee like in a fairy tale. It went like this: Christmas morning, we had gotten each other one thing and it was under the tree at my dad’s. I got him a big huge thing of gum (I had gotten him a tattoo days prior) and he got me a pillow & blanket… After we opened those, we went to my mom’s house. We opened the stuff ‘Santa’ (my mom) had gotten us. Then I went on my merry way decorating the cookies I made the day before… After a few minutes, my mom brings me a box, all wrapped up… I opened it and it was a bra. Hahaha thank you darling. Then I continue with my cookies. Then I get ANOTHER box, this one was a hallmark one all wrapped up. I opened it had a little white box in it… In it was a diamond turtle necklace (: I peeked in the box and saw the turtle then closed it and said ‘No! Its too much!” After a few minutes of refusal, I pouted & put it on. After that, totally in the zone of cookie decorating, he and my mom bring out ANOTHER box. Gosh guys… In this box, there was another white box all wrapped up. I peeked in the box and it was a freaking ring!! I closed it and set it on the counter, I said no way, not taking it. Its a ring!!!!” I don’t handle big gifts well….. After more minutes and arguing, I opened it up and put it on. I hugged Thomas and I guess he was going to say “So will you marry me?” But I interrupted him at “So will you…..” “SO will I what?!!?” “Marry me!” *Grabs the counter*”Omg, WHAAAT?!!?!?” hahahah. I said yes of course, but when i get surprised, it is the funniest thing eveeeer.
So that was my great highlight of my holiday.
I’m stilll awaiting labor… grrr.
Wow, these last nine weeks have been long.
Long and short. Long because time does not pass fast, at all, especially when you’re up every half an hour of every single night. But then again short, because you get so caught up in this routine, in these two little humans, that you forget that days, weeks, and months are passing.
I can’t say since I last wrote it’s been all joy with the twins, that I have gracefully sank into motherhood as easy as anything. It hasn’t been easy, but a lot harder than I expected. When the twins were about a week old, and I wrote a blog entry, I was still pretty optimistic about the routine we’d get them in, how organized as parents we would be.
When they were a week old, I was sleep deprived, but there were things to blame it on then. I’d just given birth, still groggy from the c-section. We both agreed we’d give the twins a few weeks before we tried to get them into a routine as we’d planned.
But it’s hard to get them into a routine because we ourselves aren’t that organized. Often, we don’t know what our own schedules will be so we can’t plan the twins either.
And now they’re nine weeks old and our household is still as chaotic as ever. My husband went back to uni two weeks after the twins were born, and even though he gives a hand in the evening, it’s really hard to cope without him. It seems like most of time at home we’re dancing around between work and babies and still trying to have a relationship.
Just having another person, another set of hands makes all the difference with the twins. The nights are okay, mainly because mostly, he will do his fair share of feedings and changings even though he’s knackered.
It’s the days that really get to me. About 16 changings a day and 18 bottles to prepare though it really varies. I sometimes feel a bit like a machine, preparing the bottles anyway. Sometimes when I’m really tired, right on the edge, I feel like I can just make one without looking, like muscle memory.
I do get help though. The boys we share a house with are always willing to give them a feed (although less willing to change a nappy) and I’ve caught them so many times just sneaking a quick cuddle. One of my friends and our biggest resource, also has been visiting me more than usual and makes sure we all get out of the house so it’s not too isolating.
Despite the sleep deprivation, which if you haven’t looked after two newborns, shouldn’t be under estimated, I really have enjoyed being a mother. I’m not a natural. I make mistakes, just like accidentally exploding a formula bottle in the microwave or maybe even once getting twins the wrong way round (yes, my very unidentical girl and boy twins), and dressing him in a dress. But I am really in love with my babies.
They’re growing at alarming rates, far too fast to keep track off. We used to weigh them on the kitchen scales, and it used to look so funny, I might put a picture up on here, but now they’re far too big. Both of them smile now, and make some fantastic gurgling noises. She smiled first, at about four weeks, and he soon followed her.
They really know their brother and sister now. When they were first born, they’d knock into each other obliviously, but now they’re feeling their noses and I caught him clutching her hand the other day.
I went back to Uni for one week before Uni broke up for Christmas. I have to admit it felt so wrong, leaving them with a daycare at only six weeks. I really considered dropping out of Uni, and I still am. You hear all these horrible statistics about keeping kids in daycare at early ages, about how they grow up stilted and not attached to their parents.
I want them to know me when I’m older, but I also I want an education, I want to finish these last few years of my degree. So at the moment I’m a little torn.
It’s not really a daycare, but we drop them off at a house where a lovely women takes care of three other babies during the day on a regular basis. So no daycare, but not private nannies, it’s a step in-between.
Anyway, I shall stop my rant. It’s Christmas! Merry Christmas to everyone at Stand up Girl
So I may have forgotten a few things… Well, one little thought.
I don’t know if it’s just the time of pregnancy, but I can’t wait to add another addition to our brood (: I know my boyfriend wants another someday. But probably not for a while. At least until we have our own place & he starts getting benefits from his new job, which all should happen within the next six months (I’m hoping anyway).
All the ‘big things’, like the bassinet, diaper bag, crib bedding & swing I got neutral so just in case (; If we were going to have another, I’d hope it was a girl. If not, a boy would be just as fine (: if not better cuz we’d have all the clothes too! haha.
38 weeks today (: Christmas in two days. 😀 yay.
I didn’t ask for much. Just a healthy son. That’s all… And maybe something shiny from Thomas (:
Thomas and I have been trying to induce me for the past few days (mainly with sex and Pineapple juice). Neither has worked… The pineapple juice hurts my teeth cuz I’m rocking a nice cavity… Cool.
I finally got ALL my Christmas shopping DONE! I wish I had more things to wrap D: Next year I have an excuse to buy a lot more (:
Gah, I wish I could go into labor already!! It sucks waiting!!
I have been married for a year and a half now to my best friend of eight years. My husband works while I continue to finish my university, online as I think I am a little past my uni years. In May this year, I found out that I was pregnant for the first time in my life. It felt like I was waking up with a massive hangover every day; vomiting, headaches, back pains, my breasts were extremely sore, I always needed to pee, I was always hungry, and I suddenly started hating the smell of scented candles-something I’ve loved my WHOLE life by the way. So I took a pee test. The instructions said I had to wait three to four minutes. I wasn’t afraid, I was sure I wasn’t pregnant like I’ve never been sure of anything else in my life before. One minute into the pee test hadn’t gone by and I started to see a second red line appearing. I can not share with you all how shocked I was. After the time frame had passed, two very bold red lines were staring at me. Freaked out, I went to the closest pharmacy and bought ten more pee tests with all the loose cash my husband left in his car.
I went home and repeated the same procedure. Not one of the ten came out negative. I didn’t cry. I was just shocked. Shocked that i was even able to be pregnant and shocked that I felt happy about it. My husband was happy too. For the next couple months, i changed my diet, ate healthy food and cut down on my junk food…Suddenly baby clothes were the most beautiful things id ever seen! No one, but my husband and my sister knew. Then all these questions came flying into my head about money, safety, security, I didn’t know anything about raising a baby. Then I thought about my husband and our plans, to save up, to travel, to live in a different country for five years, come home and then start our family. I thought about my parents, who are very strong Christians but would so understand if i told them and I was sure I’d have their support through it all. I thought about myself, my school, my plans, what I lacked. Then I started panicking. I got scared and I started looking for methods of abortion, it is illegal to go through abortion in my part of the country. I went through with it in a most unethical manner. And then I started bleeding heavily…for weeks. I wish I could have a reason for my panic like most of you do-at least you have some justification for your actions, some explanation for what you have gone through. But me, I’ve lived in shame since then, because after I aborted my baby, I am so ashamed to say it, but I was relieved. I was relieved that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. What kind of person feels that way about anything? I took something that wasn’t mine to take and I spat in God’s face as a thank you for giving me a gift. My husband knew what I was going to do, he was upset but didn’t stop me. I suppose it was because he was in the same boat as me, thinking about our future plans.
I can tell you now, the regret I feel and the shame are one of the most constant things in my life today. It never goes away and never lessens. I would’ve thought that by now, months after it has happened, that I would be over it or at least be able to look at a baby and not crave to have mine back or to not cry every time I look at one. It is the most painful thing I have ever gone through and I have had my share of painful. My husband has a daughter with someone else, granted before we were married, but boy does it hurt so much when I see him laughing and playing with her. I wish I could see his joy with my baby.
I share this story for anyone who is considering abortion. God, don’t do it. It is something you will live with for the rest of your life. It’s made me feel like a failure and I deserve this guilt. I can’t even apologize to God for what I’ve done because I feel like there’s no way He can ever look at me and forgive me. How could anyone if even I can not forgive myself? I live on a verse from the Bible about the woman who could not stop bleeding, she said to herself “if I can just touch the hem of Jesus’ garment, I will be healed”. I will find my healing at the feet of Jesus, I know. He will take me back as he always has. But I can not face Him, can not face myself, my husband. My struggle isn’t moving forward, because life goes on and it will not stop to cry with me, I understand that. It isn’t also that I can not admit I was wrong because I’m doing that now, I did that when I asked my husband for forgiveness. My struggle is forgiving myself, and asking God to do the same for me. My struggle is learning to cope with it. I do not want to live with shame forever. I regret what I did. It was the biggest mistake of my life and no amount of blogs or sessions or counseling or treatment or vacations or ice cream will ever make that mistake seem smaller or an “ok” mistake. I understand what anyone first timer who just found out she is pregnant feels like. Don’t give in to the doubt and like everything pregnant people eat affects the baby, so too do your decisions as its mama.
My love encounter to my baby: I’m sorry my love. I panicked and I hurt you, which was undeserving. Still, no excuse or reason will make what has already been done ok. You were my joy and I loved you so much it hurt. I cry for you every time I remember, and I remember everyday. I’ll try my hardest to live my life to what’s right in God, if not only to be a part of His perfect world but to earn entrance to heaven and see what you look like, to hold you and tell you I love you. I love you still, I always will and when your daddy and I have your brothers and sisters, we will never forget you. You are still our eldest, and will always be my baby.
Love,
Your Mama
