For a girl who has always had irregular periods, being a few days late here or there was never really an issue. But after being over a week late, I began to wonder…
So I sent my boyfriend to the store to get a test. Although I sent him, I had already got that ‘oh no not me’ mentality… So after taking the first test, I didn’t believe it and sent him to the store to get more. He came back with 3… I took another, waited…. It was positive… Still not believing it, I took the last 2… Both came up positive. I walked into my room with all 4 positive tests in hand and gave them to my boyfriend. His response? “Wow… This is cool!” He is extremely happy. I, on the other hand, began to cry, had a panic attack, and wasn’t able to breath.
After I calmed down, I still didn’t believe it. I can’t believe I’m pregnant… What about school? Work? How am I going to do this? Make a future for a baby when I haven’t even created one for myself yet…? But I’ve told myself that I can do this, I’m going to do this! Not that it’s going to be easy, but I’m determined to make this work.
What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, right??
It has been a year since I had gotten pregnant and I feel as if it is time for me to share my story…
I knew the exact time, spot, and date I had gotten pregnant. I just knew in my soul that something had happened and I got the overwhelming feeling of ‘Oh Shoot’. My boyfriend at the time was doing well for himself and we were doing wonderfully, at least to my eyes, but to everyone else, they saw him control and manipulate me. I loved him so I thought that this was something that was normal for a woman in the relationship to do: not wear low-cut shirts or skirts, no heavy makeup, no talking to other guys who were not on his ‘safe’ list.
He broke down a almost 7 year sisterhood with his lies, and I didn’t realize the pain he was causing me. It was ironically Christmas Day when he and I created the best and worst thing of my life, I knew the moment it happened. We were in no ways careful. I had forgotten my pill that week and we didn’t even use the pull out method, What was the point in a fifty-fifty shot? I was fifteen at the time and my boyfriend was eighteen. My whole family got pregnant young, but also went into early menopause, My cousin got pregnant at eighteen and went to school with two kids. The other had gotten pregnant at sixteen and had made a nice life for herself.
I knew I had support with whatever I chose to do: Adoption, Abortion or Keep the baby. I still have the list I wrote as I passed into the week where it was becoming more apparent that I was going to have a baby, It wasn’t a figment of my imagination. I had to pee all the time, I cursed every time I would go to walk and have to race to the bathroom. I wondered how in the hell something smaller then size of a piece of rice was causing me to pee so much! In my heart, I knew I couldn’t abort the baby no matter what and I had watched 16 and Pregnant with the rest of America and cried seeing Tyler and Catlyin give away there baby so I knew I couldn’t do it. I was too selfish. So keeping the baby was my only choice.
I never told anyone I was pregnant and I regret it so much. I was scared and no matter how much you tell yourself you wouldn’t be stupid and not tell your mom and wait till something dangerous happens to inform her and the father of the baby, you still are so scared. I had gone to the doctor with my mom and I complained about my ear that would have a sharp pain that literally would cause tears to swell in my eyes, Also I threw in my nausea, peeing, and heart burn. I hoped that my Doctor would know and test me, but he didn’t. My mom spoke up and said “Could you drawl blood to check all of her levels?” he did and I though “Okay. They will find out sense they are running a full panel.” My mom would look at me and occasionally ask “Are you okay? Do you need to tell me anything?”.
I would go to tell her and I would choke. I ate my weight in pizza and drank so much water that my eye swam. I would see my boyfriend and I remembered we had gotten into a discussion about what would happen if we broke up. I told him that I wanted to keep any baby I had and he could be in the picture or not ( Both of my cousins where single moms so I knew I could do it). He told me “You will never leave if you have my child.” Warning bells would ring in my head, but I just contributed it to him being a teenage pregnancy. His father would decide to be a part of the picture then leave several times, making his mother have to join the army and have to leave her son in the care of her mother.
I never told anyone at all and at eight weeks (from time of conception), I had a sharp pain and then something rush. I had started to bleed. I cried and stared at my panties thinking ‘I knew I was insane, I started my period, It was all in my head.” When they say ignorance is the human coping mechanism is true. Then the cramps started. I then couldn’t assume it was my period anymore. It felt as if someone was stabbing me repeatedly and my whole midsection would tighten and then release like contractions. It was so bad I almost drove off of the road once or twice. It felt like forever and I was such a mess. I wanted to just die. I felt as if my hopes and dream where going done the drain.
Once it was over, and I was so lucky I didn’t end up with an infection or worse, I bursted all of a sudden and just broke down. I screamed and cried and told my mom what I had been keeping from her. We cried and I knew I had to tell my father who has always been a man of few words and I had never seen him cry once. That day, I made my daddy cry. I told my boyfriend that night and it was as if I stabbed him in the chest, but I thank God he knew, from his mother’s experience, the fear. We cried some more and he left that night telling me “I still love you and I understand.” As if.
I fought with depression and the ‘What ifs?’ about a week. I had gotten a call from my Doctor. He told me that he had found out that I had Hypothyroidism. I looked it up and one of the first Questions was “Have you ever had a Miscarriage?” Then I found out the baby lives off of the mothers Thyroid for eight weeks, I hadn’t killed my child by taking anything bad. Yes, I could have been smart and told my Doctor when I did. But I didn’t kill him. It was a sickening relief that I had found out what not most mothers had, I had something other than myself to blame! I knew it was a boy since all of my family members have went Boy and then Girl. I had a name planned out and everything since I had always been the one to want a family. Aiden Xavier Brady.
I worked for months trying to work through the pain and grief that fallowed the miscarriage. I had done great moving on until my ‘sister’, who I had patched a relationship back with, told me She was pregnant with Twins. I was truly excited for her, but I had this growing urge to be envious of her. A couple of weeks later, she called me and told me the twins hadn’t made it and she had to have a DNC. It was like I was reliving it all over again. We worked together and through that time, I had gotten a wake up call for how Abusive my Ex-boyfriend was and left him. She had found out that her boyfriend wasn’t who he claimed to be either and had left him.
On Mother’s Day, we each bought us a little trinket and I showed her my spot to honor my son. I still find is so hard. I worked a fair, and by the fourth day, I started to cry because I saw a little boy with brown hair who was the same age as my son would have been. When the day I lost the pregnancy rolled around, I didn’t know why I was so off. Everyone thought I was sick, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks and it was yet again so raw and fresh. I always knew in my heart I would become a mother young. I just didn’t know it would be like this.
Now I reflect all of my motherly and doddling on my friend’s Son who is too adorable. I still kept a few habits of touching my stomach and resting it there when my hands are free. Also, I have a fear of becoming pregnant again. I don’t think I could stand to lose the pregnancy. I ran into my Ex recently and he had done the lowest thing by saying something snide about Aiden. This is my story and I just wanted to share it. As I said, I feel as if it is time for it to be shared.
Thank you.
I’m done crying for him. I’m done crying period. I’m done with a lonely life looking for my true love, because I found the one who will never hate me. I found my baby. Why have a boyfriend who will drop you when the next girl catches his eye? When you have a beautiful life who loves you no matter what! Guys come and go, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way, but as my baby grows, I’ve learned I have to also. I thought I was mature enough to have sex. I thought he loved me, but boy was I wrong! But without him, I would have never had her, my beautiful child. So thank you, thank you for giving me the best present of my life. Maybe someday you will see her that way too! <3
Why does everyone have a goal to make me cry now? What did I do to deserve this hell? Today was the worst of it. The baby daddy had to bring up funerals and crap like that. It just brought back the worst memories of the year. Then he said, “What about you, have you lost anyone close to you this year?” Like he didn’t already know! My stepson through adoption/cousin passed away due to a tragic accident. All week, I haven’t cried until he had to bring up all that. Everybody was like, ‘Well, at least you’re talking now.’ Honestly, I would rather him ignore me than bring him up ever again. I know trying to just forget about the whole thing is not the right approach, but I can’t help but think it was all my fault. How does a TV fall on a two-year-old? How is a mother, step or biological, ever supposed to live through this when I’m scared to think about my little girl, cause I might lose her too!?
Well, I’m now 4 months and I just found out I’m having a girl :D! I chose a name for her, her daddy doesn’t even want to know about her. I fear he never will. He already has a daughter and sees her all the time, so why should ours be any different? I’m so tired of his crap. Why can’t he just grow up and admit to his mistake like I did? I hope one day, he asks to see her, and you know what I’m going to let him so he can see what he’s missed out on! But one fear I have is that she will make all the same mistakes I did, and I don’t want this for her!
Dear General Public.
So, I’m 16 years old, and currently attending Grade 11 in a tiny high school in Canada. (Ay? ;] ) As of today, my monthly “blessing” was supposed to visit me about a week ago. Yesterday, I woke up feeling extremely sick and dizzy. So today, I made the distant drive to Rocky Mountain House, Alberta, and bought myself a couple of pregnancy tests. Well! As if the obvious wasn’t happening, 2 tests, and 4 pink lines later, I was making the phone call to my best friend in a complete panic. She met me at the hospital (all of the clinics were closed by this time) and we made an appointment to see a doctor! Yay? Two hours, one cup of pee, and a nurse stabbing me in the arm to steal my blood later, the doctor knocked on my door. He came in, and immediately handed me a booklet explaining about abortion. He basically explained to us, that abortion is the answer, and it will solve all of our problems. We live in a tiny town, in southern Alberta. There are seriously like 200 kids in our school. My pregnancy would be the first in like the last… Gazillion years. Being a small school, everyone would know, and everyone would judge me. We all know this too well. I’ve dreamed of being a teacher since I was like… Little. If I have this baby, it’s going to change everything, and make pursuing my dreams a lot more difficult. So of course, abortion is at the top of my list at the moment. My doctor directed me to StandUpGirl to read testimonials from other teenage girls and how they dealt with their abortions. After reading them, I’m finding myself quite scared. I really don’t want to go ahead with this if it’s going to make me depressed for the rest of my life… But I really have to think about my future, and how it’s going to affect me. Right now, 5 weeks in, I’m feeling nauseated all the time, I’m eating a ton and I’m constantly tired. I can imagine in like 6 months, when finals are about to roll around the corner, it’ll probably be like 50 times worse. I’m honestly at a loss for what to do. Abortion seems like the right decision, but so many people seem so depressed after the initial procedure and regret it for such a long time. Plus at 5 weeks, I know that my baby is already developing its eyes, it’s ears, and it’s respiratory system… I feel like if I go through with this, I’m going to be murdering an innocent human being.
