Wow, these last nine weeks have been long.
Long and short. Long because time does not pass fast, at all, especially when your up every half an hour of every single night. But then again because you get so caught up in this routine, in these two little humans, that you forget that days, weeks and months are passing.
I can’t say since I last wrote it’s been all joy with the twins, that I have gracefully sank into motherhood as easy as anything. It hasn’t been easy, a lot harder than I expected. When the twins were about a week old, and I wrote a blog entry, I was still pretty optimistic about the routine we’d get them in, how organised as parents me and Jack would be.
When they were a week old I was sleep deprived, but there were things to blame it on then, I’d just given birth, still groggy from the c-section, me and Jack both agreed we’d give Theo and Elsie a few weeks before we tried to get them into a routine as we’d planned.
But it’s hard to get them into a routine because me and Jack ourselves aren’t that organised. Often we don’t know what our own schedules will be so we can’t plan the twins either.
And now their nine weeks and our household is still as chaotic as ever. Jack went back to uni two weeks after the twins were born, and even though he gives a hand in the evening, it’s really hard to cope without him. It seems like most of time at home we’re dancing around between work and babies and still trying to have a relationship.
Just having another person, another set of hands makes all the difference with the twins. The nights are okay, mainly because mostly, Jack will do his fair share of feedings and changings even though he’s knackered.
It’s the days that really get to me, about 16 changings a day and 18 bottles to prepare though it really varies. I sometimes feel a bit like a machine, preparing the bottles anyway. Sometimes when I’m really tired, right on the edge, I feel like I can just make one without looking, like muscle memory.
I do get help though, the boys we share a house with are always willing to give Elsie and Theo a feed (although less willing to change a nappy) and I’ve caught them so many times just sneaking a quick cuddle. Sadie, one of my friends and biggest resources, also has been visiting me more than usual and makes sure we all get out of the house so it’s not too isolating.
Despite the sleep deprivation, which if you haven’t looked after two newborns, shouldn’t be under estimated, I really have enjoyed being a mother. I’m not a natural, I make mistakes, just like accidentally exploding a formula bottle in the microwave or maybe even once getting twins the wrong way round (yes, my very unidentical girl and boy twins), and dressing little Theo in a dress. But I am really in love with my babies.
They’re growing at alarming rates, far too fast to keep track off. We used to weigh them on the kitchen scales, and it used to look so funny, I might put a picture up on here, but now their far too big. Both Theo and Elsie smile now, and make some fantastic gurgling noises. Elsie smiled first, at about four weeks and Theo soon followed her.
They really know their brother and sister now. When they were first born they’d knock into each other obliviously, but now they’re feeling their noses and I caught Theo clutching Elsie’s hand the other day.
I went back to Uni for one week before Uni broke up for Christmas, I have to admit it felt so wrong, leaving them with a daycare at only six weeks. I really considered dropping out of Uni, and I still am. You hear all these horrible statistics about keeping kids in daycare at early ages, about how they grow up stilted and not attached to their parents.
I want Elsie and Theo to know me when I’m older, but I also I want an education, I want to finish these last few years of my degree. So at the moment I’m a little torn.
It’s not really a daycare, but we drop them off at a house where a lovely women takes care of three other babies during the day on a regular basis. So no daycare, but not private nannies, it’s a step inbetween.
Anyway, I shall stop my rant. It’s Christmas! Merry Christmas to everyone at Stand up Girl
Izzy x
