Things have just gotten so bad. I don’t know how to maintain my sanity without being spiteful, mean, crude, and sinful. I have gotten into a horrible fight with my son’s father who has, as a result, turned on his own child and says he doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore. He doesn’t want to take on his responsibilities. He’s been doing them for almost four years. It was like a slap in the face for him to even say that to me. I felt it in my heart and the pain I felt was more for my son than me. How do you just give up on your child that you supposedly love? How can you look at yourself and call yourself a MAN OR WOMAN? In this case a “MAN”. Of course, I sent mean texts and I am fighting back the urge to say a lot more, but I can’t stop these tears… It’s bad enough that we take out our frustration on other people and I’m even worse for doing it to my son. I FEEL like a monster, a devil, like I am no better than an abuser.
EVERYDAY is a struggle for me: Going to school full time, Pregnant for two different guys and unsure of who the father is…Being unemployed, trying to raise my son who is late in talking. I feel everyday like I’m taking one step forward and two step back. I don’t know what I should do, which road to take, how to even hold myself together. If I could have seen all this coming from high school, I would have done so many things differently, but then again, I wouldn’t.
I spent so many tears today that I didn’t think I could cry anymore…Even now as I write this, tears trickle down my face…Its 4:28 am. I’m suppose to be sleeping to wake for 6am, catch the bus at 7:23am, be at school for 9am.=, and have a late class on top of it…I don’t know, I don’t know how i will make it thru this day… And on top of that, I have a psychology test based on three chapters…I haven’t felt like giving up for such a long time…And I’m at my breaking point.
Hey everyone.
I’ve decided to write this blog as I don’t know where else to turn anymore. This will be a long read but for those of you who read this and can offer me some advice, I would be extremely grateful. A few months ago (30th September to be exact), I had an abortion when I was just over 9 weeks pregnant. It broke my heart, but at the time, I truly believed it was the right decision as I had no idea who the father was (I had been with 3 guys that month so it could have been any of them) and I didn’t want to bring the child up with so much stress and these men were just one night stands so the impact it had on the real father would have been life changing.
After the abortion, I really regretted it… I even wrote a blog on how I will never do it again and it haunted me everyday, wondering what could have been. I had nightmares. I was worried that it affected me so I couldn’t have kids again. I was worried that I was going to hell. I was careless and bought it on myself.
A month later, I ended up in a relationship (I got back with my ex boyfriend who I had previously been dating for 5 years). We ended up having an argument one night and I stormed off which resulted in me sleeping with another man, which I strongly regret. My boyfriend doesn’t know this though and I don’t have the heart to tell him. Unfortunately, I have just found out I am pregnant AGAIN… This time I am just over 10 weeks pregnant and the doctor plus the person doing the scan said I conceived about the time I had slept with this other guy who wasn’t my boyfriend. I am now STRONGLY considering having ANOTHER abortion, which hurts like crazy, but I think it is the only way I can really keep the relationship I am in now. The father isn’t even in the same country anymore and I know if he knew about the baby, then he will definitely not want anything to do with it. So I will end up alone with a baby I don’t think I can take care of. Please don’t judge me. I know what I did was wrong and I have truly learnt my lesson. I have no idea what to do. I am stuck between a hard place and a rock. I don’t want the relationship I’m in now to end, but I know it will once my boyfriend finds out the baby isn’t his. Please help me! Any advice would be great. But please don’t judge. I already hate myself for what I’ve done.
Since my last post,
I’m almost 7 weeks pregnant!
3 more weeks and I won’t have to worry as much. I’ll be in the safe zone.
But, I’m so excited!
I just haven’t figured out how to tell my dad. I’m not sure if he will freak out or not.
My boyfriend seems excited, just not as excited as he was the first time I got pregnant.
I guess it just hasn’t sank in, I don’t know.
I know it hasn’t fully set in to me that I’m pregnant, lol.
I’m in shock constantly. Hopefully, he gets more into it when my belly starts growing.
He does get excited when we go to the baby section of any store lol.
My mom is the most excited out of anyone I think.
I know my grandma isn’t happy. And it kind of sucks but I don’t know. We’ll see what happens with her.
Well gtg for now.
Thanks for reading<3
So finding out I was pregnant was scary enough, but the thought of sharing the news with family… Now that had me shaking in my boots!
I decided the first thing to do was tell my mum seeing how I’m covered under her work insurance… But I was scared… I didn’t know how to tell her. Neither did my boyfriend… So I mustered up the courage I could and texted her. Seeing how she works nights, I thought she would be at work… So I just said for her to call me when she got the chance. That gave me time to think of what to say… But less than a minute later, my mum was calling! Well, that gave me no time at all to think of what to say. So all I said was “Uhh, I think I’m pregnant…” expecting her to freak out and totally shut me down… To my surprise, she was excited! She asked me if I was going to keep it and from the very moment I found out, I decided to keep it so I told her, Of course I was keeping it. Then she went on to talk about how excited she is and how spoiled my baby will be and she has already started planning trips to grandma’s house when the baby arrives! Now she is going with my boyfriend and I to the first appointment! I am soo blessed to have such a wonderful man by my side and my mother’s support during this chapter of my life! Now I just have to find a way to tell everyone else!
I hope it goes just as well!
For a girl who has always had irregular periods, being a few days late here or there was never really an issue. But after being over a week late, I began to wonder…
So I sent my boyfriend to the store to get a test. Although I sent him, I had already got that ‘oh no not me’ mentality… So after taking the first test, I didn’t believe it and sent him to the store to get more. He came back with 3… I took another, waited…. It was positive… Still not believing it, I took the last 2… Both came up positive. I walked into my room with all 4 positive tests in hand and gave them to my boyfriend. His response? “Wow… This is cool!” He is extremely happy. I, on the other hand, began to cry, had a panic attack, and wasn’t able to breath.
After I calmed down, I still didn’t believe it. I can’t believe I’m pregnant… What about school? Work? How am I going to do this? Make a future for a baby when I haven’t even created one for myself yet…? But I’ve told myself that I can do this, I’m going to do this! Not that it’s going to be easy, but I’m determined to make this work.
What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, right??
It has been a year since I had gotten pregnant and I feel as if it is time for me to share my story…
I knew the exact time, spot, and date I had gotten pregnant. I just knew in my soul that something had happened and I got the overwhelming feeling of ‘Oh Shoot’. My boyfriend at the time was doing well for himself and we were doing wonderfully, at least to my eyes, but to everyone else, they saw him control and manipulate me. I loved him so I thought that this was something that was normal for a woman in the relationship to do: not wear low-cut shirts or skirts, no heavy makeup, no talking to other guys who were not on his ‘safe’ list.
He broke down a almost 7 year sisterhood with his lies, and I didn’t realize the pain he was causing me. It was ironically Christmas Day when he and I created the best and worst thing of my life, I knew the moment it happened. We were in no ways careful. I had forgotten my pill that week and we didn’t even use the pull out method, What was the point in a fifty-fifty shot? I was fifteen at the time and my boyfriend was eighteen. My whole family got pregnant young, but also went into early menopause, My cousin got pregnant at eighteen and went to school with two kids. The other had gotten pregnant at sixteen and had made a nice life for herself.
I knew I had support with whatever I chose to do: Adoption, Abortion or Keep the baby. I still have the list I wrote as I passed into the week where it was becoming more apparent that I was going to have a baby, It wasn’t a figment of my imagination. I had to pee all the time, I cursed every time I would go to walk and have to race to the bathroom. I wondered how in the hell something smaller then size of a piece of rice was causing me to pee so much! In my heart, I knew I couldn’t abort the baby no matter what and I had watched 16 and Pregnant with the rest of America and cried seeing Tyler and Catlyin give away there baby so I knew I couldn’t do it. I was too selfish. So keeping the baby was my only choice.
I never told anyone I was pregnant and I regret it so much. I was scared and no matter how much you tell yourself you wouldn’t be stupid and not tell your mom and wait till something dangerous happens to inform her and the father of the baby, you still are so scared. I had gone to the doctor with my mom and I complained about my ear that would have a sharp pain that literally would cause tears to swell in my eyes, Also I threw in my nausea, peeing, and heart burn. I hoped that my Doctor would know and test me, but he didn’t. My mom spoke up and said “Could you drawl blood to check all of her levels?” he did and I though “Okay. They will find out sense they are running a full panel.” My mom would look at me and occasionally ask “Are you okay? Do you need to tell me anything?”.
I would go to tell her and I would choke. I ate my weight in pizza and drank so much water that my eye swam. I would see my boyfriend and I remembered we had gotten into a discussion about what would happen if we broke up. I told him that I wanted to keep any baby I had and he could be in the picture or not ( Both of my cousins where single moms so I knew I could do it). He told me “You will never leave if you have my child.” Warning bells would ring in my head, but I just contributed it to him being a teenage pregnancy. His father would decide to be a part of the picture then leave several times, making his mother have to join the army and have to leave her son in the care of her mother.
I never told anyone at all and at eight weeks (from time of conception), I had a sharp pain and then something rush. I had started to bleed. I cried and stared at my panties thinking ‘I knew I was insane, I started my period, It was all in my head.” When they say ignorance is the human coping mechanism is true. Then the cramps started. I then couldn’t assume it was my period anymore. It felt as if someone was stabbing me repeatedly and my whole midsection would tighten and then release like contractions. It was so bad I almost drove off of the road once or twice. It felt like forever and I was such a mess. I wanted to just die. I felt as if my hopes and dream where going done the drain.
Once it was over, and I was so lucky I didn’t end up with an infection or worse, I bursted all of a sudden and just broke down. I screamed and cried and told my mom what I had been keeping from her. We cried and I knew I had to tell my father who has always been a man of few words and I had never seen him cry once. That day, I made my daddy cry. I told my boyfriend that night and it was as if I stabbed him in the chest, but I thank God he knew, from his mother’s experience, the fear. We cried some more and he left that night telling me “I still love you and I understand.” As if.
I fought with depression and the ‘What ifs?’ about a week. I had gotten a call from my Doctor. He told me that he had found out that I had Hypothyroidism. I looked it up and one of the first Questions was “Have you ever had a Miscarriage?” Then I found out the baby lives off of the mothers Thyroid for eight weeks, I hadn’t killed my child by taking anything bad. Yes, I could have been smart and told my Doctor when I did. But I didn’t kill him. It was a sickening relief that I had found out what not most mothers had, I had something other than myself to blame! I knew it was a boy since all of my family members have went Boy and then Girl. I had a name planned out and everything since I had always been the one to want a family. Aiden Xavier Brady.
I worked for months trying to work through the pain and grief that fallowed the miscarriage. I had done great moving on until my ‘sister’, who I had patched a relationship back with, told me She was pregnant with Twins. I was truly excited for her, but I had this growing urge to be envious of her. A couple of weeks later, she called me and told me the twins hadn’t made it and she had to have a DNC. It was like I was reliving it all over again. We worked together and through that time, I had gotten a wake up call for how Abusive my Ex-boyfriend was and left him. She had found out that her boyfriend wasn’t who he claimed to be either and had left him.
On Mother’s Day, we each bought us a little trinket and I showed her my spot to honor my son. I still find is so hard. I worked a fair, and by the fourth day, I started to cry because I saw a little boy with brown hair who was the same age as my son would have been. When the day I lost the pregnancy rolled around, I didn’t know why I was so off. Everyone thought I was sick, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks and it was yet again so raw and fresh. I always knew in my heart I would become a mother young. I just didn’t know it would be like this.
Now I reflect all of my motherly and doddling on my friend’s Son who is too adorable. I still kept a few habits of touching my stomach and resting it there when my hands are free. Also, I have a fear of becoming pregnant again. I don’t think I could stand to lose the pregnancy. I ran into my Ex recently and he had done the lowest thing by saying something snide about Aiden. This is my story and I just wanted to share it. As I said, I feel as if it is time for it to be shared.
Thank you.
