things have just gotten so bad I dont know how to maintain my sanity without being spiteful, mean, crude, sinful. I have gotten into a horrible fight with my sons father who has as a result turned on his own child and says he doesnt want anything to do with him anymore. he doesnt want to take on his responsibilities he’s been doing for almost four years. its like a slap in the face for him to even say that to me, i felt it in my heart and the pain i felt was more for my son than me. how do u just give up on ur child that u suppose of-ly love? How can you look at yourself and call your self a MAN OR WOMAN. in this case a “MAN”. of course i sent mean txts and I am fighting back the urge to say alot more but i cant stop these tears… its bad enough that we take out or fustration on other people and i’m even worse for doing it to my son. I FEEL like a monster, a devil like i am no better than an abuser.
EVERYDAY is a strugggle for me, going to school full time, Pregnant for two different guys and unsure of who the father is…being unemployed, trying to raise my son who is late in talking, I feel everyday like im taking one step forward and two step back. I dont know what I should do, which road to take, how to even hold my ish together. if i could have seen all this coming from high school I would have done so many things differently but then again I wouldnt.
i spent so many tears today that i didnt think i could cry anymore…even now as i write this tears trickle down my face…its 4:28 am, im suppose to be sleeping to wake for 6am. catch the bus at 7:23am be at school for 9am. and have a late class on top of it…i dont know, i dont know how i will make it thru this day… and ontop of that i have a psychology test based on three chapters…I havent felt like giving up for such a long time…and I’m at my breaking point.