So I am pregnant. I’m in my 5th week and I’m already going crazy.
I cry over the smallest thing… even dumb commercials! I’m overly moody and I’m always hungry! I’ve already gained like 5 pounds because I eat so often. On average, I eat as soon as I wake up and about every 2 hours after that. Before, I couldn’t stand orange juice, not even the smell, and now it’s all I want to drink… Oh and things I can’t drink, argh like soda or coffee!!!!!!! And I can’t work out or run like I used to because I don’t want to hurt the baby (even though it’s soooooo tiny) and that’s usually what calms me down! I’m young. I should be out with my friends, getting into trouble. Oh but no, I cant! I’m soooo tired now that I’m in bed hours before I usually am.
And as for the “father'”…… Well, I told him but he doesn’t even seem to care. This blows. He gets to go around and pretend that we didn’t both mess up and act like I’m not pregnant and that he doesn’t even know me. It hurts so much to know that I have no choice but to deal with this and he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to. He can go on and live his normal life yet I can’t hide this from the world for very long before everyone knows I made a huge mistake. I want soo much to go back and stop this from happening, but I’m facing what I did and not running from it.
Its still rather early to tell if I want to try this or not, but I know right now that I won’t be able to do this alone.
I just found out I was pregnant two days ago. I’m going to be 19 this month.
It came as shock to me as I thought I couldn’t have children. I’m 6 weeks pregnant and I always thought I’d have an abortion. However, I feel that I can’t and It wouldn’t be right. I’m a very emotional person and I know I won’t forgive myself. The father of the baby is a guy that I’ve known for a year and a half. We’re not in a relationship. He wants me to have an abortion. He thinks we’re not ready and it’s not fair on him as he’s only 20 and he would hate me as I would have spoiled his life. He also says if I kept it, he would be there for his child, but we will never be, However, if I keep it, I want nothing to do with him and if I abort it, I still don’t want anything to do with him.
I want to keep it but he really wants me to have an abortion and he’s trying everything to convince me!
It’s the worst feeling in the world.
Knowing your baby isn’t there, that you will never hold him or her.
Knowing you might have been able to stop it.
I Miss You so much, my little angel.
I know it could be for the best.
I wasn’t ready for you, you weren’t ready.
I even had names..,
Cory Shawden for a boy.
or
Sanity Shawden for a girl.
I had a little yellow sleeper that said ‘I love my daddy.’
I think that’s what got you to change your mind. You were excited to to be a daddy, I know you said we can try again… But that little baby will always be my first… Another baby won’t take the place. Even though I want to be a mommy so badly…
But for now, my little angel, you’re in space, a soul just looking for a body.
Just remember to come back to mommy.
I will always love you. <3
So I went to get my ultrasound done this morning and the doctor said that the baby’s heart was going too fast.
So she checked me out fully and did a lot of uncomfortable stuff (I’d rather not mention) and started asking me questions. Like whether or not I was stressed lately or how I’d been eating. Well, I haven’t been stressed- just got engaged for crying out loud!!! How would that stress me out!!! But I have been worrying about my fiancé going off to college…or at least if he is. I still don’t know his decision. She then told me that if I don’t calm down and relax…I’ll lose my baby. That the stress isn’t good for it. My fiancé walked into the room right then and asked if he was allowed to come in yet… All I could do was giggle and say yes. He came in and rubbed my belly and kissed me. My beautiful family together, and I get told by my doctor that I may not meet my baby if I don’t relax. So she relayed the same message to him and he had a hand on my belly the entire time. We got home and fell asleep together. He promised me that he wasn’t going anywhere. Right then and there. He promised. He swore he wouldn’t leave me and our baby. I have him-and our baby-all I have to do is keep relaxed.
Can I stay calm? Even with worries of how to afford everything? O, how are we gonna do this??
I dunno what to do. Whether or not I made the right choice. Whether or not my fiancé was really proposing to me because of me and not because of the baby…
I know he wants us to be a family… But proposing to me just because I’m pregnant is all wrong. So, I called him last night and asked him to come to my apartment. I told him it had to do with the baby (I wasn’t lying). Anyway, he came straight over. and we talked till one this morning… He finally was able to convince me that he proposed for the right reason. He stayed the night. When I woke up this morning, he had made breakfast and had it sat on his legs for right when my alarm was gonna go off. Then he bent down and moved my tank-top so he could kiss my belly. Right then, right there, I knew I was making the right choice in marrying him. So as we ate, we began talking about whether or not to wait till after the baby was born to have the wedding or to have it before the baby came. Of course, I argued that there was no way in hell he would catch me in a wedding dress pregnant with a baby bump. I just couldn’t do it. The stereotyping and faces that would come with it..(my family is stupid and judgmental)….and his is well…conservative….We aren’t religious, but they believe that a baby should be brought into wedded bliss. So ya…a little tension.
But I know I made the right choice. For me, him, and my baby.
The worst happened. On Nov 23, I had a miscarriage. I was so ready to be a mom, I wanted my baby so badly. I had names.
girl and boy.
Sanity Shawden
or
Cory Shawden
I had a little yellow sleeper that said ‘I love my daddy’…
My boyfriend liked that, even though he was the one who wanted me to get an abortion.
He said if I wanted, we could try again.
I’m still thinking, I want to be a mommy so badly.
it was only 3 days after I told my mom. she was happy. She was going to help. She wanted to be a Grandma…
My little Angel is up in space, once again, a little soul, looking for body… For now, I’ll miss you, I still love you. No mater what. You will always be my first baby.
I love u sweetie <3. When you’re ready, come back to mommy…
