I have become so convincing with the mask i wear. Can anyone else relate to this?
Anyone ever wish there was a place where you could actually take the “Life is fine. Things are fine. I am fine” mask off and just be REAL? And all without being judged or feeling like a failure? Well, there is… I understand the pain of having feelings eating away at you inside, but being afraid to let them out. I’m here anytime for you guys. You can always be real with me. Let’s leave the masks for Halloween.
“Thousands of tears from the sky beat against my skin… I’m wonderin’ why. Why on earth am I here?? No one sees what i’m feelin’.. They all trust me, but have no reason.. It’s cold like death, but i’m still breathin’. Fallin’ into nothing; grasping for anything; beggin’ for someone; but no one’s listening.
Do they see me slippin’ away? Feel me growin’ cold? I’m puttin’ on the performance of a lifetime. I doubt they’ll ever know. That i feel this rage, this pain, this guilt… And over what?? All problems seem to lie within myself.
Do they see beneath the smile, the lines my tears have made? Do they notice the sparkle in my eyes, how it’s faded into grey? Bet they’d never guess, that though I do my very best, I’m just as jacked up, screwed up, chained up, and beat up as the rest. No longer the perfect, innocent, angelic girl they all expect to see. So many mistakes… If they only knew the darkness that lurks inside of me.
Beggin’ for a hero to save whatever I have left… to breathe life into my lungs, pump hope into my veins… save me from this living death.”
I’ve given killing myself so much thought recently and tried to again so many times in the last few months that I’ve lost count. And I’m still here, where I don’t want to be. Alive.
The severity of the desire comes and goes during the day. And sometimes I’m fine for weeks and then all of a sudden< I’m back to square one. I’m so stressed and so tired and just fed up. I don’t want to live anymore and have to pretend that I’m perfect and happy and have my act together.
Because I am so messed up, it’s not even funny anymore.
Hi. I am NOT pregnant & I do NOT plan on getting pregnant. I am still a virgin. I made this account because I have read some of your stories and they are very heart-breaking.
I would love to help anyone I can in the best way I can. Yes, some of you might be saying, “Well, she has never gone through what I am going through how would she know?” That’s very true. I have never gone through what you have gone through, but I will be there to help you as much as I possibly can. I will give you advice, help you make decisions, and just be there for you when you’re feeling down and out. Remember you have a little child growing in your precious womb whatever you decide to do with it all comes down to your DECISION. You have to live with it for the rest of your life. Whether it’s keeping your little one, giving it up for adoption, and, if necessary, having an abortion. I hope you do what you think is what’s right …. If you need any help at all just leave me a message and I will surely answer it.
You’re not just another statistic. You and your child are something special.
Dear Mommy,
I know I did not get the chance to stay with you for long… but I felt your love for me. And I love you with every bit of my tiny heart. I know you miss me, but Mommy, please don’t cry. I am happy and healthy and laughing where I am. There are no tears here. I can’t wait to see you when you get here! You can rock me in your lap, and sing me to sleep. You’ll get to hear me call you “mama” and we will be together forever. Please be strong for me, mommy. I know you wanted me to stay with you, but I’m in a better place now. God wanted me to be with Him and all the angels… but I’m always with you too, Mommy. I’m in your heart, and when you smile, I’m smiling too 🙂 When you laugh, I giggle. When you cry, I am so sad. Keep trusting God Mommy, he knows what is best. This is the place that He wanted me to be… and He whispered in my ear the plans he has for you. Oh Mommy, I wish you could know what He has planned for the rest of your life. It’s so amazing, so keep hoping.. it may not seem like it right now mommy, but you will find happiness again. I will be here waiting for you.. and He will hold me in His arms until the time comes for you to be with me again. You can miss me Mommy, because I miss you too, but don’t stop living. You have to keep on going… for me. I love you so much Mommy!!
Until we meet again…
-Your little guardian angel
November 13th started out to be an “OK” day.
Started out cleaning up the house and hanging out with my 3-year-old daughter. Took her to the park, then went to Walmart to start looking at baby stuff since I found out 2 days earlier I was expecting a baby boy, and man was I excited. Nothing could express how lucky and blessed I felt. I had a daughter and now I was having a boy and that’s all I wanted!– Let me remind you. No, this pregnancy was expected, but on 11-11, I was the happiest girl alive. I have been having my ups and downs during the whole pregnancy and had been diagnosed with depression. I really felt like everything was starting to turn around for the good. I was halfway there 20 weeks and 2 days and what I thought was at the safe point… Now knowing you’re never at a safe point in pregnancy and you have to take one day at a time.
I came home after Walmart from looking at baby boy stuff and had in my mind what all I wanted. Got my daughter ready for bed and took a shower myself. Around 10 pm, I started having mild cramping which I thought were normal. Little did I know they were contractions. I have had a baby before, but that was 3 and a half years ago and I didn’t remember contractions feeling this way. So I laid back down and plug in a heating pad. The mild cramping got worst around 11:30ish and they were starting to be back to back so i got up and went to the bathroom. I noticed I had some white/bloody discharge in my panties, so I felt “down there” and noticed my membranes. The baby sac was in my vagina. I started crying and panicking and told my boyfriend something wasn’t right. I got my clothes on and out the door we went with my daughter to the hospital. The whole time in the car I just knew I was going into labor and I was going to loose my son since I was only 5 months!
We got to the labor and delivery floor and the nurse took me to a room, helped me put a gown on, and had my bed on my head to try in keep the baby in. A few minutes later, the doctor came in. She checked me and told me I was 4 cm dilated and yes, the membranes were in my vagina and that would set up for infection to come in. My water had not broken, so in my mind, I was thinking as long as my water didn’t break, I will be OK and the baby would have a chance to live. My contractions backed off some and I felt a little better. I tried to push twice and the baby just wouldn’t come so then I knew it just wasn’t the time for me to have him yet. The doctor told I would have to be at least 24 weeks for the baby to even have a 50 percent chance of living..So if that meant for me to lay in the hospital bed for a month and so on I was going to do that, because i just wasn’t ready to loose my unborn son yet. Everytime the nurse came in to get vitals they would check the baby’s HR and it was always good over 130’s. I was so happy.
Two days passed, and I still hadn’t had him. I really thought me laying in the bed would help me keep the baby in. Later that night on 11-15, I started having contractions again. They were getting 10 times worst now. That’s what I remember contraction feeling like. The nurse kept giving me pain medication to ease the pain, but it would only last a hour or so. That morning on 11-16, I made up my mind and told my boyfriend I was ready to have the baby because I just couldn’t stand the pain. After two epidurals, it was time for me to push. I went through the worst labor ever to deliver a baby I would not be able to take home. On 11-16 at 9:42 am, I delivered my beautiful son Isaiah. He weighed only 13.2 ounces. He didn’t get to take his first breath outside the womb. I was so devastated. I cried and cried. I just wanted him to come home to me.
Till this day, I cry everyday because on my birthday 3-30, which was my due date, I will not be bringing my baby boy home. It hurts so much and all I can do is cry. I don’t understand why me? I really haven’t got any answers on why I went into labor so early. Happiness, will I see that anymore? All I want is to have my son and my life back. I want to be happy and I feel like I will never be happy again and it hurts. I know people say that having another will not replace your baby and I know that. But I really want to have another baby soon to take my mind off the past and move forward. But all I can do is hope and pray. I wish my relationship wasn’t so rocky so I can have another baby, but it is.. I love my boyfriend and I can only see myself with him, but with this lost, I’m so angry and bitter. I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at myself. Because I feel like its all my fault. I was so happy that my spoiled little girl was going to have a baby brother she would be able to grow up with and play with, and now I don’t see that ever happening. I hope this pain will go away.
I know Isaiah is in heaven, but everyday I pray he will come back to me…
Mixed emotions…I don’t know what to do nor to write!
I just want some space to think of what the best thing to do…I am pregnant, but it seems no one even cares for me, even the father of my baby. He wants the baby aborted which is impossible for me to do…It’s like killing myself too…I don’t want to be guilty! I think the best way is to stand still and face life’s consequences…
I have to be strong…But it’s too hard…I’m so lonely…I want to cry!… I’m so sad…
