November 13th started out to be an “ok” day. Started out cleaning up the house and hanging out with my 3yr old daughter. Took her to the park then went to walmart to start looking at baby stuff since I found out 2 days earlier I was expecting an baby boy, and man was I excited. Nothing could express how lucky and blessed I felt. I had a daughter and now I was having a boy and thats all I wanted!– Let me remind you no this pregnancy was expected but on 11-11-10 I was the happiest girl alive. I been having my ups and down during the whole preganacy and had been diagnosed with depression. I really felt like everything was starting to turn around for the good. I was half way there 20 wks and 2 days and what I thought was at the safe point.. Now knowing your never at a safe point in pregnancy and you have to take one day at a time.
      I came home after walmart from looking at baby boy stuff and had in my mind what all I wanted. Got my daughter ready for bed and took a shower myself. Around 10 pm started havin mild cramping which I thought were normal little did i know they were contractions. I have had a baby before but that was 3 and a half years ago and i didnt remember contractions feeling this way so I laid back down and plug in a heating pad. The mild cramping got worst around 11:30ish and they were starting to be back to back so i got up and went to the bathroom. I noticed i had some white/bloody discharge in my panties,so i felt “down there” and noticed my membranes the baby sac was in my vagina. I started crying and panicking and told my bf something wasnt right. I got my clothes on and out the door we went with my daughter to the hospital. The whole time in the car I just knew I was going into labor and I was going to loose my son since i was only 5 months!
      We got to the labor and delivery floor and the nurse took me to a room, helped me put a gown on, and had my bed on my head to try in keep the baby in. A few mintues later the doctor came in. She checked me and told me i was 4 cm dilated and yes the membranes were in my vagina and that would set up for infection to come in. My water had not broken, so in my mind I was thinking as long as my water dont break I will be ok and the baby would have a chance to live. My contractions backed off some and i felt a little better. I tried to push twice and the baby just wouldnt come so then I knew it just wasnt the time for me to have him yet. The doctor told I would have to be atleast 24 weeks for the baby to even have a 50 percent chance of living..So if that meant for me to lay in the hospital bed for a month and so on I was going to do that, because i just wasnt ready to loose my unborn son yet. Everytime the nurse came in to get vitals they would check the babys HR and it was always good over 130’s I was so happy.
        Two days past, and I still havent had him. I really thought me laying in the bed would help me keep the baby in. Later that night on 11-15 i started having contractions again. They were gettin 10 times worst now thats what i rememeber contraction feeling like. The nurse kept giving me pain medication to ease the pain but it would only last a hr or so. That morning on 11-16 i made up my mind and told my bf i was ready to have the baby because I just couldnt stand the pain. After two epidurals it was time for me to push. I went thru the worst labor ever to deliver a baby I would not be able to take home. On 11-16 at 9:42 am I delievered my beautiful son Isaiah. He weighed only 13.2 ounces. He didnt get to take his first breath outside the womb. I was so devastated. I cried and cried I just wanted him to come home to me.
      Till this day I cry everyday because on my birthday 3-30-11 which was my due date I will not be bringing my baby boy home. It hurts so much and all I can do is cry. I dont understand why me? I really havent got  any answers on why I went into labor so early. Happiness will I see that anymore? All I want is to have my son and my life back. I want to be happy and I feel like i will never be happy again and it hurts. I know ppl say that having another will not replace ur baby and I know that. But i really want to have another baby soon to take my mind off the past and move forward. But all I can do is hope and pray. I wish my realtionship wasnt so rocky so i can have another baby but it is.. I love my bf and I can only see myself with him but with this lost im so angry and bitter. Im not mad at him im mad at myself. Because I feel like its all my fault. I was so happy that my spoiled lil girl was going to have a baby brother she would be able to grow up with and play with and now I dont see that ever happening. I hope this pain will go away. I know Isaiah is in heaven but everyday I pray he will come back to me…