Well, since I last wrote the beginning to my story,
I finally got pregnant!
I will never forget November 3rd, the morning the love of my life and I found out I was pregnant. Following that morning, we wrecked our car. We were okay. Only a burn on my collarbone from the seat belt and I was a little shook up. But following the days on the 5th of November, I miscarried. We were devastated. We fell in love with our little cheeto as we called it as soon as we found out I was pregnant. And once we finally got what we had wanted, just like that, it disappeared. But our baby is in heaven now and my doctor told me we could try again once I have my next full cycle. Well, it’s been a month and Flo was due today but she has yet to arrive so this week we shall see if our prayers have been answered!
On another note I found out my cousin is pregnant! So this should be a lot of fun! :]
When things get good, why do they go wrong? Wednesday I started having pain, more pain then i’ve ever had, and i called my doctor, and she told me to relax and to come in Monday the 2nd at 8:30…
Thursday night/ Friday morning i collapsed, and my mom called an ambulance, and i was taken to urgent care… and i think my doctor was avoiding me because the U.C. doctor told me she’d be there, but Kaufman never came in until after 4!!!!! I was waiting on my OBGYN to come check on me for OVER TWELVE HOURS!! what the hell! i could have saved my baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she didn’t think i miscarried at first, because i wasn’t bleeding.
then, she did my ultrasound.. you wanna talk about making a DR. sweat???? she KNEW my baby wasn’t alive. IM NOT EFFING STUPID!!! she moved me and moved me and searched for the freaking heartbeat… and i lost it! i HATED my doctor. HATED HER. its like she wanted this to be unsuccessful! i followed everything like a good mommy, and i worked to make this pregnancy work!!! even with everything else, and my doctor had to say im sorry for your loss?????? she never let me have an ultrasound, she let me listen to the heartbeat ONCE but that was ONLY because William was there. I wanna die, its unfair that i lost another baby, i never meant for things to go wrong, ever. dr Kaufman says that low progesterone, low iron, and low white blood cells are to blame… && that, my blood work backs up… but, i don’t understand why? i was doing EVERYTHING she asked me to…
but, i decided. I’m not going to try to have more babies… if i get pregnant again, I’ll make sure to not get excited. because everything i get happy before it dies.
OH MY GOD. I’ve never been sooooo impatient in my life!!
I’m 39 weeks tomorrow and dying to go into labor already. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow & Hopefully, they check my cervix! They still haven’t yet… If I’m dilated or effaced at all, I’m going to walk a million miles and drive on a really bumpy road! I’m pretty much desperate to get him out…
As for my Christmas… Guess who got engaged(: Meeeeeee!!!! Hehe. No, he didn’t get down on one knee like in a fairy tale. It went like this: Christmas morning, we had gotten each other one thing and it was under the tree at my dad’s. I got him a big huge thing of gum (I had gotten him a tattoo days prior) and he got me a pillow & blanket… After we opened those, we went to my mom’s house. We opened the stuff ‘Santa’ (my mom) had gotten us. Then I went on my merry way decorating the cookies I made the day before… After a few minutes, my mom brings me a box, all wrapped up… I opened it and it was a bra. Hahaha thank you darling. Then I continue with my cookies. Then I get ANOTHER box, this one was a hallmark one all wrapped up. I opened it had a little white box in it… In it was a diamond turtle necklace (: I peeked in the box and saw the turtle then closed it and said ‘No! Its too much!” After a few minutes of refusal, I pouted & put it on. After that, totally in the zone of cookie decorating, he and my mom bring out ANOTHER box. Gosh guys… In this box, there was another white box all wrapped up. I peeked in the box and it was a freaking ring!! I closed it and set it on the counter, I said no way, not taking it. Its a ring!!!!” I don’t handle big gifts well….. After more minutes and arguing, I opened it up and put it on. I hugged Thomas and I guess he was going to say “So will you marry me?” But I interrupted him at “So will you…..” “SO will I what?!!?” “Marry me!” *Grabs the counter*”Omg, WHAAAT?!!?!?” hahahah. I said yes of course, but when i get surprised, it is the funniest thing eveeeer.
So that was my great highlight of my holiday.
I’m stilll awaiting labor… grrr.
Wow, these last nine weeks have been long.
Long and short. Long because time does not pass fast, at all, especially when you’re up every half an hour of every single night. But then again short, because you get so caught up in this routine, in these two little humans, that you forget that days, weeks, and months are passing.
I can’t say since I last wrote it’s been all joy with the twins, that I have gracefully sank into motherhood as easy as anything. It hasn’t been easy, but a lot harder than I expected. When the twins were about a week old, and I wrote a blog entry, I was still pretty optimistic about the routine we’d get them in, how organized as parents we would be.
When they were a week old, I was sleep deprived, but there were things to blame it on then. I’d just given birth, still groggy from the c-section. We both agreed we’d give the twins a few weeks before we tried to get them into a routine as we’d planned.
But it’s hard to get them into a routine because we ourselves aren’t that organized. Often, we don’t know what our own schedules will be so we can’t plan the twins either.
And now they’re nine weeks old and our household is still as chaotic as ever. My husband went back to uni two weeks after the twins were born, and even though he gives a hand in the evening, it’s really hard to cope without him. It seems like most of time at home we’re dancing around between work and babies and still trying to have a relationship.
Just having another person, another set of hands makes all the difference with the twins. The nights are okay, mainly because mostly, he will do his fair share of feedings and changings even though he’s knackered.
It’s the days that really get to me. About 16 changings a day and 18 bottles to prepare though it really varies. I sometimes feel a bit like a machine, preparing the bottles anyway. Sometimes when I’m really tired, right on the edge, I feel like I can just make one without looking, like muscle memory.
I do get help though. The boys we share a house with are always willing to give them a feed (although less willing to change a nappy) and I’ve caught them so many times just sneaking a quick cuddle. One of my friends and our biggest resource, also has been visiting me more than usual and makes sure we all get out of the house so it’s not too isolating.
Despite the sleep deprivation, which if you haven’t looked after two newborns, shouldn’t be under estimated, I really have enjoyed being a mother. I’m not a natural. I make mistakes, just like accidentally exploding a formula bottle in the microwave or maybe even once getting twins the wrong way round (yes, my very unidentical girl and boy twins), and dressing him in a dress. But I am really in love with my babies.
They’re growing at alarming rates, far too fast to keep track off. We used to weigh them on the kitchen scales, and it used to look so funny, I might put a picture up on here, but now they’re far too big. Both of them smile now, and make some fantastic gurgling noises. She smiled first, at about four weeks, and he soon followed her.
They really know their brother and sister now. When they were first born, they’d knock into each other obliviously, but now they’re feeling their noses and I caught him clutching her hand the other day.
I went back to Uni for one week before Uni broke up for Christmas. I have to admit it felt so wrong, leaving them with a daycare at only six weeks. I really considered dropping out of Uni, and I still am. You hear all these horrible statistics about keeping kids in daycare at early ages, about how they grow up stilted and not attached to their parents.
I want them to know me when I’m older, but I also I want an education, I want to finish these last few years of my degree. So at the moment I’m a little torn.
It’s not really a daycare, but we drop them off at a house where a lovely women takes care of three other babies during the day on a regular basis. So no daycare, but not private nannies, it’s a step in-between.
Anyway, I shall stop my rant. It’s Christmas! Merry Christmas to everyone at Stand up Girl
So I may have forgotten a few things… Well, one little thought.
I don’t know if it’s just the time of pregnancy, but I can’t wait to add another addition to our brood (: I know my boyfriend wants another someday. But probably not for a while. At least until we have our own place & he starts getting benefits from his new job, which all should happen within the next six months (I’m hoping anyway).
All the ‘big things’, like the bassinet, diaper bag, crib bedding & swing I got neutral so just in case (; If we were going to have another, I’d hope it was a girl. If not, a boy would be just as fine (: if not better cuz we’d have all the clothes too! haha.
38 weeks today (: Christmas in two days. 😀 yay.
I didn’t ask for much. Just a healthy son. That’s all… And maybe something shiny from Thomas (:
Thomas and I have been trying to induce me for the past few days (mainly with sex and Pineapple juice). Neither has worked… The pineapple juice hurts my teeth cuz I’m rocking a nice cavity… Cool.
I finally got ALL my Christmas shopping DONE! I wish I had more things to wrap D: Next year I have an excuse to buy a lot more (:
Gah, I wish I could go into labor already!! It sucks waiting!!
