Dear sister,
Life wasn’t the same when I found out I was pregnant. On November 24, I missed my period. That day felt a bit different from other days. I wasn’t sure why. It felt….different. I was afraid that I was pregnant. It was just five days after I had intercourse. My menstrual cycle was regular. I didn’t think pregnancy would work that fast. So I waited. And wasted time. I had to at least wait one more week. I didn’t understand. I told my boyfriend of nearly 3 years that I wasn’t ovulating. The condom broke. Everything had flown out and inside of me. I take online tests to know when I’m ovulating since it comes a few days late. Prior to that, I was having symptoms of pregnancy. It turns out I was VERY fertile when it all occurred. I was very fatigued and I had frequent urination. My breasts were very tender and hard. I thought it was the weather since I live in New York. But then , when I got inside, they were still hurting. Everything that came my way seemed to smell very bad. Like perfume. And I love perfume! I was so scared to take a test.
I went to Urban Health Plan so I can get some prenatal care for my baby. That’s if I was pregnant. I went to see my doctor. I wouldn’t give them my name. They allowed me to see my doctor. They told me to pee in a cup and draw some blood. I also wanted to take an STD test because you may never know. I lingered around the room lurking to find any information that might be suitable for pregnant women. Soon enough, my doctor came in.
“Can you sit down with me for a second?” She asked.
“Of course, well do you know if I’m pregnant yet?” I was so nervous I stumbled upon some words.
“The tests aren’t ready yet, but I’ll need to take a cheek swab and some mucus. There are some clothing in the back waiting for you. I can’t check you with tight clothing.” She slapped some tight umbra gloves on.
“Will this hurt?” A tear fell from my eye. I looked up at the ceiling from above.
“Not at all. But I do need to ask you a few questions.” She penetrated a little Q-tip inside. “When was your last period?”
I yelped. “Your hurting me a little bit.” I squealed sliding from the chair a little bit.
“The tests are ready in the lab waiting for you, Doctor.” The nurse said.
I was apprehensive for a bit. But I have to know.
“I’ll be right out.” She responded. The nurse shut the door tight. “Do you know when you had intercourse with your partner?” She removed her gloves and automatically washed her hands. She sat down and pulled a stool up.
“It was in October. The beginning of our anniversary.”
She nodded. “Did he ejaculate inside of you.”
I was embarrassed. A tear fell out of my left eye. I knew my boyfriend’s mother would be very upset if my boyfriend was having a baby with me. She liked me very much, but I knew she wouldn’t agree to let me keep him. “He did. Am I allowed to know the results yet?” I looked at her, putting my hand to my face and she handed me a tissue to wipe my tears away.
“Don’t cry, everything will be okay. How long ago was this? Should I meet the young man?” She suggested. “No, please don’t. We had sex five weeks ago. I think it’s too early to tell.” I responded.
“Well, not exactly. Even though you missed your period once, it can be different for you. Different women have different bodies. You know that right?”
I nodded. “Do you think I might be pregnant?” I looked up at her and gazed into her eyes.
“Well, there could be a possibility.”
The nurse walked in. “Well, how are you ladies doing on the beautiful morning?”
I bit my lip a little. She had a booklet in her hand. I tried following the words by tilting my head a little. But I couldn’t figure it out.
“Well, we tested your blood. And, it turns out we found HCG.” I was in shock. My eyes got wide. She handed me a book full of obstetricians, gynecologists, and nutritionists. “Well, lay back a little.
This will prove if the test is accurate.” I fell back into the chair. She rubbed some gel on my tummy and did a sonogram. I was pregnant, young and didn’t know what to do…How was I suppose to take care of my baby?
“Would you like to consider abortion?” She recommended.
“I would never.”
– Sincerely
<3
So much is going on in my life. One of my very dear friends sadly committed suicide Monday evening. So I’m utterly devastated! RIP friend. Also baby daddy drama. He honestly needs to grow up! I’m fed up with our baby keeping me awake already…And he’s not even here yet, and him kicking me whilst I’m in class…he’s such a pain. I’ve got so long left, but I just can’t wait for this to all be over!
I’m currently 17 weeks, 4 days along! I know I’m only 15…So young, but I really do love my unborn baby boy! He’s everything to me. I’m so happy about this pregnancy. I’m not sad and miserable…I’m proud of this. I’m strong and I’m willing to do this on my own if I have to! If my son’s father doesn’t grow up, he won’t have anything to do with his child. My baby will just be MY son!
I couldn’t be happier at school. I have so many great friends, the teachers are fab, and well, my mum couldn’t be better! She’s so strong, for me. She’s the main reason I’m still smiling. I know I’m going to be an amazing mummy, because my little man comes before everything now. He will always be my main priority. I don’t understand why a man wouldn’t want to know their child. It’s crazy! If I ever lost my baby, I’d search for him until the day I died.
Deciding on names is so tricky, I’ve got so many names in my head, but I don’t know what he looks like…Do how can I pick it so it suits him? Hopefully, I’ll pick one after the 4d scan…Get a better look of him. My baby boy is everything to me! I love him!<3
Things have just gotten so bad. I don’t know how to maintain my sanity without being spiteful, mean, crude, and sinful. I have gotten into a horrible fight with my son’s father who has, as a result, turned on his own child and says he doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore. He doesn’t want to take on his responsibilities. He’s been doing them for almost four years. It was like a slap in the face for him to even say that to me. I felt it in my heart and the pain I felt was more for my son than me. How do you just give up on your child that you supposedly love? How can you look at yourself and call yourself a MAN OR WOMAN? In this case a “MAN”. Of course, I sent mean texts and I am fighting back the urge to say a lot more, but I can’t stop these tears… It’s bad enough that we take out our frustration on other people and I’m even worse for doing it to my son. I FEEL like a monster, a devil, like I am no better than an abuser.
EVERYDAY is a struggle for me: Going to school full time, Pregnant for two different guys and unsure of who the father is…Being unemployed, trying to raise my son who is late in talking. I feel everyday like I’m taking one step forward and two step back. I don’t know what I should do, which road to take, how to even hold myself together. If I could have seen all this coming from high school, I would have done so many things differently, but then again, I wouldn’t.
I spent so many tears today that I didn’t think I could cry anymore…Even now as I write this, tears trickle down my face…Its 4:28 am. I’m suppose to be sleeping to wake for 6am, catch the bus at 7:23am, be at school for 9am.=, and have a late class on top of it…I don’t know, I don’t know how i will make it thru this day… And on top of that, I have a psychology test based on three chapters…I haven’t felt like giving up for such a long time…And I’m at my breaking point.
Hey everyone.
I’ve decided to write this blog as I don’t know where else to turn anymore. This will be a long read but for those of you who read this and can offer me some advice, I would be extremely grateful. A few months ago (30th September to be exact), I had an abortion when I was just over 9 weeks pregnant. It broke my heart, but at the time, I truly believed it was the right decision as I had no idea who the father was (I had been with 3 guys that month so it could have been any of them) and I didn’t want to bring the child up with so much stress and these men were just one night stands so the impact it had on the real father would have been life changing.
After the abortion, I really regretted it… I even wrote a blog on how I will never do it again and it haunted me everyday, wondering what could have been. I had nightmares. I was worried that it affected me so I couldn’t have kids again. I was worried that I was going to hell. I was careless and bought it on myself.
A month later, I ended up in a relationship (I got back with my ex boyfriend who I had previously been dating for 5 years). We ended up having an argument one night and I stormed off which resulted in me sleeping with another man, which I strongly regret. My boyfriend doesn’t know this though and I don’t have the heart to tell him. Unfortunately, I have just found out I am pregnant AGAIN… This time I am just over 10 weeks pregnant and the doctor plus the person doing the scan said I conceived about the time I had slept with this other guy who wasn’t my boyfriend. I am now STRONGLY considering having ANOTHER abortion, which hurts like crazy, but I think it is the only way I can really keep the relationship I am in now. The father isn’t even in the same country anymore and I know if he knew about the baby, then he will definitely not want anything to do with it. So I will end up alone with a baby I don’t think I can take care of. Please don’t judge me. I know what I did was wrong and I have truly learnt my lesson. I have no idea what to do. I am stuck between a hard place and a rock. I don’t want the relationship I’m in now to end, but I know it will once my boyfriend finds out the baby isn’t his. Please help me! Any advice would be great. But please don’t judge. I already hate myself for what I’ve done.
Since my last post,
I’m almost 7 weeks pregnant!
3 more weeks and I won’t have to worry as much. I’ll be in the safe zone.
But, I’m so excited!
I just haven’t figured out how to tell my dad. I’m not sure if he will freak out or not.
My boyfriend seems excited, just not as excited as he was the first time I got pregnant.
I guess it just hasn’t sank in, I don’t know.
I know it hasn’t fully set in to me that I’m pregnant, lol.
I’m in shock constantly. Hopefully, he gets more into it when my belly starts growing.
He does get excited when we go to the baby section of any store lol.
My mom is the most excited out of anyone I think.
I know my grandma isn’t happy. And it kind of sucks but I don’t know. We’ll see what happens with her.
Well gtg for now.
Thanks for reading<3
