Well! After a number of times trying to write extra huge life-story blogs and them not working, I have a lot to say (I think). I need to vent.
Firstly, I went to see my boyfriend the weekend before the one just gone… So pretty much a week ago! I was worried. We had been arguing constantly. But we had a wonderful time, most of the time. I think we had 2 arguments overall, one I can’t remember why, and the other because me and his mum had stayed up until 5 am having a few beverages and having a laugh, and he wanted to sleep. Fair enough, but at least I was having fun, right? We had a great Valentine’s Day – went for a beautiful meal at a Thai restaurant and saw the movie Valentine’s Day. But, and yes, there is always a but when it comes to our relationship, or more our situation. I became a bit… Obsessive, you could say. He has a 9 week old baby sister and I wanted her around ALL the time! Luckily, his mum said that I had a ‘free pass’ to look after her whenever I wanted, which was wonderful. I was left on my own to look after her every now and then, feeding her and we played together. I’d make her smile while I ticked her tummy… It was almost maternal. I loved it. I hated it. Thinking about what could have been – playing with my own little one, seeing him or her smile for the first time. My boyfriend even said how it tore him apart to see me playing with his sister. I WANT that. I’m not writing this to get responses such as “You’re still young, you can have children when you’re older” or anything of that sort – I am not one of those young girls trying to conceive simply because I think a baby is ‘cute’. I think I have more of a reason to feel the way I do. I was manipulated into giving up my child, and now I want what’s known as a ‘replacement baby’. It’s true. I want to be a mum. But that’s because, in a way, I already am a mum. I’ve seen my own child on a screen. I’ve buried my own child. I’ve grieved the loss of my child. I think I have more reason than a lot of people to want a baby, and to long for the feeling of motherhood.
I had my second session with my counselor. He realized that I was not the one who was in charge of my situation, and I believe that. He said we are now going to look at the future and what I can do so that the death of my baby was not in vain. I believe this. This comforted me… For a while. But in the evening I was back to my normal ways, blaming my boyfriend, saying harsh things and practically begging him to start a family. I realize that what I say is wrong, eventually. But at the time, I was blinded by my loss. I have what’s known as Post-Abortion Traumatic Grief. All the symptoms are correct, and the timing. It’s great to know that I am now a label. Almost a mental case… (Sarcasm.) Yet in some ways, it gives me the incentive to move on. I’m just stuck at the moment in the same rut that I can’t get out of. It’s only just been 2 months so no one can expect me to be over it yet.
I started my new job on Saturday evening. It was good, but 15 minutes before the end, I found that my young colleague was pregnant. Cherry on the cake? Absolutely. As soon as I got in the car to go home, I went in tears to my mum. I can’t cope with pregnant women, talking about their scans knowing I would be having mine if it was up to me.
I have turned into a jealous, lonely person.
Last night, I made my boyfriend cry, hysterically. I was so furious with everything, and once again, I was blaming him, yet he took the blame. He said that it’s all his fault, and that made me feel guilty. That wasn’t what I asked for. I don’t understand why he is still with me. I’m heartless these days. He says it’s like I don’t care anymore, and that he knows I don’t feel the same as I used to. Yet he sticks by me…
I am numb. And full of regrets.
I got back from my boyfriend’s yesterday after staying there the weekend and over Valentines Day. He lives pretty far away now, so it’s every couple of weeks I see him. In many ways, I had the best ‘holiday’ ever.
I was excited and happy to go and see him, but ecstatic about spending time with his 9-week-old baby sister. I had a wonderful long weekend and he really treated me – we went out for a few drinks Friday night after I got there, then on Saturday, had an early Pancake Day and went out for a meal at a Thai restaurant which was beautiful and delicious, then got rather ‘tipsy’ that night with his mum! And then went to the cinema and a quick bite on Sunday. What we did together was wonderful. It was nice to know we still have a strong bond after everything we’ve been through, and everything we’ve put each other through.
Yet on Saturday night, I started crying with my boyfriend – being around his sister and taking care of her was overwhelming. I knew what a great mummy I would have been… So his mum came in and explained that I needed to stop blaming him. She has had 2 abortions, so in a way she understood, yet her circumstances were different. I felt like we weren’t the same, and each person is different in that some people feel regret and some relief. I feel like I’m being pushed to get over something I’m not over yet.
Anyway, his little sister. Oh my goodness. She had grown so much since I last saw her, and what was better was that his mum said I had a free pass to pick her up if I liked and to look after her. It was nice that she was around a lot more than last time, where they pretty much stayed in the bedroom. During the weekend, I got lots of cuddles, I fed her, and I looked after her all on my own, making her smile… Making me smile inside and out. I’m so desperate. I shouldn’t be, but I feel like I’m missing out now. I feel like I’ve let go of this beautiful thing that could have been mine… This perfect thing that I saw on that screen yet was still persuaded to lose. He always says how his mum often seems to get stressed and can’t cope, yet I feel like, even though I realize it would be stressful, I’d be so grateful to have what she has. She’s tiny, she’s something that was made out of love. And she’s perfect… And I need that.
At one point a few weeks ago, I’d BEGGED him to try again, to make it real this time and to plan it. He says we’re not ready. In many ways, we’re not, and I’m not writing this to get young mums to respond that it is a big commitment – I understand that! But I think I have more reason than any young, underage girl who simply wants a baby because it’s ‘cute’. I’ve seen my child on a screen, I’ve seen my child come out of me on my sanitary towel. I’ve buried my child. Nothing can replace it, I know that. But there’s something that can make up for the loss I feel and the unhappiness I’m experiencing, where nothing else can console.
Tomorrow, I go to see my boyfriend. It’s been a while since I’ve properly spent time with him… Since Christmas. Apart from that, he only came down for one evening when I got so down I blamed him for everything and he felt I needed him.
We’ve been arguing every night – petty things. It seems like he’s so on edge. He said last night that he’s known for ages now that I don’t love him like I used to. I do… I’ve just got other things on my mind. I look at all the beautiful young girls on here with their children and think that could’ve been me in a few months… I admit I made the biggest mistake, and I know that now I have to live with it. I’ve realized since coming here that so many people feel exactly the way that I do…
So we’re gonna have a nice time, go to the movies and go out for a meal on Valentine’s Day.
He told me about a dream he had the other night. He said in his dream he got a phone call but nobody was there. So he came to mine and I was sat on my bed, looking terrible. Looking broken. And then someone came to the door, and it was just a sort of fuzzy mist. But when he walked back upstairs to me, I was beautiful and happy. I was the way I used to be when he fell in love with me… To him, I was like an angel.
It literally brings tears to my eyes thinking about that dream. I just wish it could actually happen… I want to make him happy and to be happy myself again. I look towards the holidays together and the happy times we’re gonna have before having a family, but for now, it’s not fulfilling.
I’m looking forward to getting away from home for a little while. His mum has a wonderful baby girl, and I’m looking forward to spending some more time with her. And my boyfriend of course! Pray there’re no arguments, but I think we will be fine.
Hopefully this weekend I’ll become that angel…
Okay, so I’ve had my first meeting with my counselor.
He’s nice and seemed really considerate. I got upset a lot. It was so hard explaining the story from start to finish… I felt like what I was coming out with made my boyfriend seem like the bad character… or just finally made me see it. I know he’s caring and does everything for me, and I do feel bad for blaming him so much, but when I explained everything, it seemed like he really did push me into my decision and didn’t provide much support for me in the end. He asked lots of questions about how I felt at different moments, which was nice as I haven’t really talked about that. He said he thought I should see him in a fortnight so I have another appointment booked for then, will keep updated!
Things have been terrible with the boyfriend as well… I feel awful! I treat him so badly… I constantly pick fights and put the blame on him. I just can’t seem to be normal with him. When we text, it’s okay, but something always starts off on the phone. Last night, we talked and shouted and cried for almost 3 hours. I cry because I’m unhappy, and I just feel like I wanna end it with him. But then I realized that things would be a million times worse. I wouldn’t have him to make me feel better when he’s around, or to just think about sometimes. I look at us being together eventually in our own place, just going out and doing things like shopping for food, having a little dinner party, or just cuddling in front of the telly with no one to bother us, and I think that’s when everything will be perfect. And then I’d go to uni and eventually we can have a baby. What happens doesn’t mean I’ll never be able to… I just can’t stand the thought of what could have been. I cry to him, saying what a great mummy I’d have been. That’s all I really want… But I can’t bring back the baby I’ve lost.
Anyway, not really much else has happened. My boyfriend says if I’m not better in 3 weeks, he will take me to hospital. Nice to know he thinks I’m insane… He has called me fucked up in the head, but I do beg him to have a baby and tell him the means of doing it! I KNOW I’m not right in the head at the moment. But that’s what you get with grief, right?
It’s been a month and 10 days since I aborted my baby, and my family would say how strong they thought I was and how well I was coping – I was fine! I’d think about it and sometimes get a little teary but I thought I would be okay.. but I realize now I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.
Me and my boyfriend found out in October that I was pregnant, and we were scared but so excited. We were making plans about how things would be, how we were gonna be parents. Of course, we had our slight doubts, but then he changed. He talked of how we needed to live our lives, have fun while we’re young, have money, and do what we want! I understood. I’m only 17 and he’s 18. I’d cry and tell him I didn’t wanna get rid of it but he would get angry and explain why we needed to.
Then my mum found out and took me out of college. My mum never cries, but she was hysterical that night. I was stubborn and harsh, ran off to a friend’s with my boyfriend for the night. But they rang and said I had to go home and ring my dad, tell him what happened. They threatened with the police and everything. It was the worst night.. I got back and mum begged me to stay butI wouldn’t. I rang my dad and he was surprisingly okay, calling me a rascal and understanding how upset I was. But when it calmed down, they said they would stick by me whatever I chose to do. I knew mum wanted me to keep it.. I wanted to. But as soon as they found out, it seemed like everything was a blur, I had to do something and that something was go to family planning and register for an abortion. I didn’t want it, but I knew I could choose against it later.
Then a week before the abortion, at 9 weeks pregnant, I bled heavily and went to hospital to get it checked out. The baby was fine, and myself and my boyfriend saw it wiggling about on the screen. He didn’t speak for the rest of the day, and I thought that made him change his mind. It didn’t… and we went back to hours of me crying in bed and him explaining why we had to get rid of it. He would tell me he wasn’t ready to be a dad, and once even shouted “i don’t love it” I realize now how I was manipulated, forced into believing it was best for me and I could have a good life afterwards. I walked into the hospital numb, like I didn’t realize what I was doing, and walked out without my baby.
I felt like I was taking it so well, yet 3 days later, on Christmas Eve, the baby came out on my underwear. I cried, and had the worst Christmas of my life, digging a little hole in the woods and burying it on my own coz my boyfriend refused to come. I was hysterical, but thought I would get closure.
After that, everything seemed to be going okay. I’d cry some nights, regretting what I’d been made to do. But recently it’s been worse. I cry all the time. On the bus to college… on the way home from work… I feel like I have no one to talk to – my boyfriend just says “it’s gone, you have to get over it” when I bring it up and get upset. My doctor’s sending me to a counsellor. My mum and dad both stress that I should talk to them, but there’s no talking anyway. I just cry and nothing that anyone can say can make it better. I cried so much in my dad’s arms that he cried too, and told me he would do anything to make me better, even go back and dig up my baby to put it in the garden without anyone even knowing.
The truth is it’s broken me. I feel like an empty shell. I make my boyfriend cry and we argue all the time ‘coz i blame him and shout and call him names. But I do blame him.. I know it was my choice but I feel I was unknowingly pushed. I would do anything to still be pregnant. My baby would be due around June, and every day I regret what I did. It breaks my heart knowing I wasn’t sure, and have made a mistake. I see other women with their babies and children and think that, even though I’m 17, I would have made a great mum. I’d do anything to take it back.
I wish I’d found this site beforehand, and I’m gonna keep an up-to-date blog on how things go.
