Well! After a number of times trying to write extra huge life-story blogs and them not working, I have a lot to say (I think). I need to vent.
Firstly, I went to see my boyfriend the weekend before the one just gone.. so pretty much a week ago! I was worried, we had been arguing constantly. But we had a wonderful time, most of the time. I think we had 2 arguments overall, one I can’t remember why and the other because me and his mum had stayed up until 5am having a few beverages and having a laugh, and he wanted to sleep. Fair enough, but at least I have having fun right? We had a great valentines day – went for a beautiful meal at a Thai restaurant and saw the movie Valentines Day. But.. And yes, there is always a but when it comes to our relationship, or more our situation. I became a bit.. Obsessive, you could say. He has a 9 week old baby sister and I wanted her around ALL the time! Luckily, his mum said that I had a ‘free pass’ to look after her whenever I wanted which was wonderful. I was left on my own to look after her every now and then, feeding ehr and we played together. I’d make her amile while I ticked her tummy.. It was almost maternal. I loved it. I hated it. Thinking about what could have been – playing with my own little one, seeing him or her smile for the first time. Chris even said how it tore him apart to see me playing with his sister. I WANT that. I’m not writing this to get responses such as “you’re still young, you can have children when you’re older” or anything of that sort – I am not one of those young girls trying to conceive simply because I think a baby is ‘cute’. I think I have more of a reason to feel the way I do. I was manipulated into giving up my child, and now I want what’s known as a ‘replacement baby’. It’s true. I want to be a mum. But that’s because in a way I already am a mum. I’ve seen my own child on a screen. I’ve buried my own child. I’ve grieved the loss of my child. I think I have more reason than a lot of people to want a baby, and to long for the feeling of motherhood.
I had my second session with my counsellor. He realized that I was not the one who was in charge of my situation, and I believe that. He said we are now going to look at the future and what I can do so that the death of my baby was not in vain. I believe this. This comforted me.. For a while. But in the evening I was back to my normal ways, blaming Chris, saying harsh things and practically begging him to start a family. I realise that what I say is wrong, eventually. But at the time I’m blinded by my loss. I have what’s known as Post-Abortion Traumatic Grief. All the symptoms are correct, and the timing. It’s great to know that I am now a label. Almost a mental case.. (Sarcasm.) Yet in some ways it gives me the incentive to move on, I’m just stuck at the moment in the same rut that I can’t get out of. It’s only just been 2 months so no one can expect me to be over it yet.
I started my new job on Saturday evening. It was good, but 15 mins before the end I found that my young colleague was pregnant. Cherry on the cake? Absolutely. As soon as I got in the car to go home I was in tears to my mum. I can’t cope with pregnant women, talking about their scans knowing I would be having mine if it was up to me.
I have turned into a jealous, lonely person.
Last night I made Chris cry, hysterically. I was so furious with everything, and once again I was blaming him, yet he took the blame. He said how it’s all his fault, and that made me feel guilty. That wasn’t what I asked for. I don’t understand why he is still with me. I’m heartless these days. He says it’s like I don’t care anymore, and that he knows I don’t feel the same as I used to. Yet he sticks by me..
I am numb. And full of regrets.