Okay so I’ve had my first meeting with my counsellor. He’s nice, seemed really considerate. I got upset a lot. It was so hard explaining the story from start to finish.. I felt like what I was coming out with made my boyfriend seem like the bad character.. or just finally made me see it. I know he’s caring and does everything for me, and I do feel bad for blaming him so much, but when I explained everything it seemed like he really did push me into my decision and didn’t provide much support for me in the end. He asked lots of questions about how I felt at different moments, which was nice as I havn’t really talked about that. He said he thought I should see him in a fortnight so I have another appointment booked for then, will keep updated!
Things have been terrible with the boyfriend aswell.. I feel awful! I treat him so badly.. I constantly pick fights and put the blame on him. I just can’t seem to be normal with him. When we text it’s okay but something always starts off on the phone. Last night we talked and shouted and cried for almost 3 hours. I cry because I’m unhappy, and I just feel like I wanna end it with him. But then I realize that things would be a million times worse, I wouldn’t have him to make me feel better when he’s around, or to just think about sometimes. I look at us being together eventually in our own place, just going out and doing things like shopping for food, or having a little dinner party, or just cuddling in front of the telly with noone to bother us, and I think that’s when everything will be perfect. And then I’d go to uni and eventually we can have a baby. What happens doesn’t mean I’ll never be able to.. I just can’t stand the thought of what could have been. I cry to him saying what a great mummy I’d have been. That’s all I really want.. But I can’t bring back the baby I’ve lost.
Anyway, not really much else has happened. My boyfriend says if I’m not better in 3 weeks he will take me to hospital. Nice to know he thinks I’m insane.. He has called me fucked up in the head, but I do beg him to have a baby and tell him the means of doing it! I KNOW I’m not right in the head at the moment. But that’s what you get with grief right?