It’s been a month and 10 days since I aborted my baby, and my family would saw how strong they thought I was and how well I was coping – I was fine! I’d think about it and sometimes get a little teary but I thought I would be okay.. but I realize now I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.
Me and my boyfriend found out in October that I was pregnant, and we were scared but so excited. We were making plans about how things would be, how we were gonna be parents. Ofcourse we had our slight doubts, but then he changed. He talked of how we needed to live our lives, have fun while we’re young, have money and do what we want! I understood, I’m only 17 and he’s 18. I’d cry and tell him I didn’t wanna get rid of it but he would get angry and explain why we needed to.
Then my mum found out and took me out of college. My mum never cries, but she was hysterical that night. I was stubborn and harsh, ran off to a friend’s with my boyfriend for the night. But they rang and said I had to go home and ring my dad, tell him what happened. They threatened with the police and everything. It was the worst night.. I got back and mum begged me to stay butI wouldn’t. I rang my dad and he was surprisingly okay, calling me a rascal and understanding how upset I was. But when it calmed down, they said they would stick by me whatever I chose to do. I knew mum wanted me to keep it.. I wanted to. But as soon as they found out it seemed like everything was a blur, I had to do something and that something was go to family planning and register for an abortion. I didn’t want it, but I knew i could choose against it later.
Then a week before the abortion, at 9 weeks pregnant, i bled heavily and went to hospital to get it checked out. The baby was fine, and myself and my boyfriend saw it wiggling about on the screen. He didn’t speak for the rest of the day, and I thought that made him change his mind. It didn’t.. and we went back to hours of me crying in bed and him explaining why we had to get rid of it. He would tell me he wasn;t ready to be a dad, and once even shouted “i don’t love it”I realize now how I was manipulated, forced into believing it was best for me and I could have a good life afterwards. I walked into the hospital numb, like i didn’t realize what I was doing, and walked out without my baby.
I felt like I was taking it so well, yet 3 days later, on Christmas Eve, the baby came out on my underwear. I cried, and had the worst Christmas of my life, digging a little hole in the woods and burying it on my own coz my boyfriend refused to come. I was hysterical, but thought I would get closure.
After that, everything seemed to be going okay. Id cry some nights, regretting what I’d been made to do. But recently it’s been worse. I cry all the time. On the bus to college.. on the way home from work.. I fell like I have noone to talk to – my boyfriend just says “it’s gone, you have to get over it” when I bring it up and get upset. My doctor’s sending me to a counsellor. My mum and dad both stress that I should talk to them, but there’s no talking anyway. I just cry and nothing that anyone can say can make it better. I cried so much in my dad’s arms that he cried too, and told me he would do anything to make me better, even go back and dig up my baby to put it in the garden without anyone even knowing.
The truth is it’s broken me. I feel like an empty shell. I make my boyfriend cry and we argue all the time ‘coz i blame him and shout and call him names. But I do blame him.. I know it was my choice but I feel I was unknowingly pushed. I would do anything to still be pregnant. My baby would be due around June, and every day I regret what I did. It breaks my heart knowing I wasn’t saure, and have made a mistake. I see other women with their babies and children and think that, even though I’m 17, I would have made a great mum. I’d do anything to take it back.
I wish I’d found this site beforehand, and I’m gonna keep an up-to-date blog on how things go.