I know I shouldn’t want you, I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. Every time I close my eyes, say a prayer, watch a sad movie…You cross my mind. I want nothing more than to deny it with my every breath. I long for you to be safe, to think of me, to remember how much I once meant to you.
There are times I want to hate you, to curse you out, and ruin any chance of your happiness. but I can’t do it with you, I can’t hate or curse your name. I can’t wish I never meant you when you gave me something I always thought was missing. Your presence. Your sole existence, you make me feel whole, solid, grounded. Hopelessly in love.
I know how foolish it sounds. How naive I must be. To still love a “jerk” like you. You who chose someone else over me. But yet time and time again, it was me you chased down. I used to find it hard to catch my breath when I saw your number on my cell phone screen. I felt weak in the knees after we parted, as I watched you walk away. I always, ALWAYS bite my tongue so I wouldn’t call your name. I wanted to stay forever in your arms.
I know your smell, those colognes you used to wear. They still make my heart race and ache with longing. My body shivers with joy, my lips quiver from how your lips used to taste. If I had ever done drugs in high school, I’d say you were the one drug I couldn’t shake. The mere mention of your name brings me to my knees, puts a smile on my face, blush to my cheeks. I love you more than I can bear.
I know they say this feeling doesn’t last forever…But these past seven years have proven many wrong. This love for you is undying…It feels permanent. It is something I will never regret. It gave me a daughter. Your daughter whom you have yet to meet…She wasn’t in the cards, but God dealt us a heavy hand….She is beautiful. Heaven. A gift I had once not wanted and now I love her too much.
I know we can’t be together right now…but maybe someday…someday…
My son’s father has just decided to take responsibility for our son. I have mixed feelings about it. I just think that not having him in our life was easier for me to handle because I didn’t have to worry about losing my son. I am frustrated, scared, and confused. How should I feel? What should I do? I’m confused!
Well, it’s been a while since I’ve been on here, but I think it’s about time I started using this site again. It really did help me a lot and I could use the support. My little boy is now 5 years old & my little girl is now 3. Her father & I are not only not together, but he has moved away to California. He has been gone since she was almost 1 1/2 and he comes to see her on her birthday once a year. He talks to her once a week, if that, and it’s always me starting the conversation. I feel like I’m putting too much effort into them having a relationship since he doesn’t act like he really cares most of the time.
In other news, my daughter has Asthma, which has been really hard to deal with sometimes. She has been hospitalized for it, had ambulance rides, and we are constantly finding ourselves in Urgent Care. It’s really sad seeing her not able to breathe, but the doctors are hopeful that it’s something she will grow out of since she got it when she was 1. My fingers are crossed that they are right.
Being a single mommy is challenging & stressful at times, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Trying to date has been a challenge for me. It’s hard to juggle all the aspects of my life at times, but I’m working on it. My little boy told me the other day that it was time for me to get a boyfriend because Andrew & I have been done for a long time.. lol. I really like this guy & we’ve been on & off for about a year now, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for him to meet the kids.
Anyways, that’s my life at the moment…
Am I too nice to the men in my life who have done me wrong?
I never shout or act out my anger, never try and seek revenge even though it’s deserved. The way things have been going through many of my past and present relationships, it’s as though I am not able to hurt those who have hurt me. I don’t like conflict. I don’t like the heavy thoughts that weigh on my mind. I could express my anger by screaming, yelling, destroying, being abusive, being spiteful. but it doesn’t seem to be in my character. It doesn’t mean that I let others walk all over me, but rather that when I do act I take it too far for my liking. I want to be his friend. He doesn’t deserve it, but if I kill him more with my kindness, he is less likely to want to hurt me again. That’s just my mindset anyway…I miss him every day. I pretend that I don’t to help ease my pain…but in my heart, it hurts me a lot…I wish it didn’t. I wish he could hear my thoughts, feel my bad, and realize just how much I really care…
I’m completely confused. My boyfriend and I have a beautiful 6-month-old daughter. I’m 19 & my boyfriend of two years is 22. We have our own place & car. He works two jobs while I look for work. We’re both recent college graduates. I am currently one month pregnant. My boyfriend feels that it is much too soon to have another child & suggests abortion. I’m terrified of the thought but open to opinions. Suggestions anyone?
I’m not sure how to start off. I guess I’ll start like this…
Dec 31 was a day that changed my life forever. I was 13 and I got pregnant. When my family found out, they flipped out. They all wanted me to get an abortion, including the father of my child. His mom and dad wanted me to keep the baby and I so made the choice to keep the baby. I found out I was having a little girl at 19 weeks. I was so excited and ready to be a mommy. I choose the name Heather Ann Jordan. She was gonna be named after my sister who had died and her middle name was the father’s grandmother’s middle name. I thought it was perfect. Day by day went by and I got more excited every day and every day my family disowned me a little more. When I was 8 months along, I had to be rushed to the hospital. Something went wrong and Heather died. :'( I had to give birth to a dead baby girl.
When I gave birth to her, they asked me if I wanted to hold her. If I wanted pics of her and what I wanted to do with her body. Of course, I wanted to hold her so I said yes. I held her and cried and cried. I just prayed to God, “Just let this be a bad dream. Let her be OK.” But I never woke up from this bad dream. In the end, my family and her father all got what they wanted except me. I didn’t get my baby girl. I felt so lost I cried for months. I still cry till this day about what happened to my baby girl. I have an angel up there and every day, I just want to end my life and be with her, but I don’t. I pray every day and talk to her. Now I’m with a steady guy and we’re engaged. He’s amazing and we’re in love. He went through the same thing. He was having a baby girl. Her name was gonna be Evilin. Something went wrong with her and she died. Evilin’s mom was 8 months pregnant turns out we were the exact same weeks along when we lost our baby girls.
I just found out I’m 5 weeks along. My fiancé and I are so happy. We’re not telling anyone until I start to show so they can’t do anything about it. We both still miss our daughters and still both cry but we know they are all taken care of up in heaven
<3 R.I.P Heather Ann Jordan and Evilin Marisa Eastman. Our angels!
