I know I shouldn’t want you, I know I shouldn’t are, but I cant help it. every time I close my eyes, say a prayer, watch a sad movie…you cross my mind. I want nothing more than to deny it with my every breath. I long for you to be safe, to think of me, to remember how much I once meant to you. 

There are times i want to hate you, to curse you out and ruin any chance of ur happiness. but I cant do it with you, I cant hate or curse your name. I cant wish I never meant you when you gave me something I always thought was missing. Your presence. Your sole existence, you make me feel whole. solid, grounded. Hopelessly in love.

I know how foolish it sounds. how naive i must be. to still love a “jerk” like you. You who chose someone else over me. But yet time and time again it was me you chased down. I used to find it hard to catch my breath when I saw your number on my cell phone screen. I felt weak in the knees after we parted, as I watched you walk away. I always, ALWAYS bite my tongue so i wouldn’t call your name. I wanted to stay forever in your arms.

I know your smell, those colognes you used to wear, they still make my heart race, ache with longing. my body shivers with joy, my lips quiver from how your lips used to taste. If i had ever done drugs in high school, I’d say you were the one drug I couldn’t shake. the mere mention of ur name brings me to my knees, puts a smile on my face, blush to my cheeks. I love you more than I can bare.

I know they say this feeling doesnt last forever…but these past seven years have proven many wrong. this love for you is undying…it feels permanent. It is something I will never regret. It gave me a daughter. your daughter whom you have yet to meet…she wasn’t in the cards, but God dealt us a heavy hand….she is beautiful. Heaven. A gift I had once not wanted and now i love her too much. 

I know we cant be together right now…but maybe someday…someday…