Heartbroken
November 13th started out to be an “OK” day.
Started out cleaning up the house and hanging out with my 3-year-old daughter. Took her to the park, then went to Walmart to start looking at baby stuff since I found out 2 days earlier I was expecting a baby boy, and man was I excited. Nothing could express how lucky and blessed I felt. I had a daughter and now I was having a boy and that’s all I wanted!– Let me remind you. No, this pregnancy was expected, but on 11-11, I was the happiest girl alive. I have been having my ups and downs during the whole pregnancy and had been diagnosed with depression. I really felt like everything was starting to turn around for the good. I was halfway there 20 weeks and 2 days and what I thought was at the safe point… Now knowing you’re never at a safe point in pregnancy and you have to take one day at a time.
I came home after Walmart from looking at baby boy stuff and had in my mind what all I wanted. Got my daughter ready for bed and took a shower myself. Around 10 pm, I started having mild cramping which I thought were normal. Little did I know they were contractions. I have had a baby before, but that was 3 and a half years ago and I didn’t remember contractions feeling this way. So I laid back down and plug in a heating pad. The mild cramping got worst around 11:30ish and they were starting to be back to back so i got up and went to the bathroom. I noticed I had some white/bloody discharge in my panties, so I felt “down there” and noticed my membranes. The baby sac was in my vagina. I started crying and panicking and told my boyfriend something wasn’t right. I got my clothes on and out the door we went with my daughter to the hospital. The whole time in the car I just knew I was going into labor and I was going to loose my son since I was only 5 months!
We got to the labor and delivery floor and the nurse took me to a room, helped me put a gown on, and had my bed on my head to try in keep the baby in. A few minutes later, the doctor came in. She checked me and told me I was 4 cm dilated and yes, the membranes were in my vagina and that would set up for infection to come in. My water had not broken, so in my mind, I was thinking as long as my water didn’t break, I will be OK and the baby would have a chance to live. My contractions backed off some and I felt a little better. I tried to push twice and the baby just wouldn’t come so then I knew it just wasn’t the time for me to have him yet. The doctor told I would have to be at least 24 weeks for the baby to even have a 50 percent chance of living..So if that meant for me to lay in the hospital bed for a month and so on I was going to do that, because i just wasn’t ready to loose my unborn son yet. Everytime the nurse came in to get vitals they would check the baby’s HR and it was always good over 130’s. I was so happy.
Two days passed, and I still hadn’t had him. I really thought me laying in the bed would help me keep the baby in. Later that night on 11-15, I started having contractions again. They were getting 10 times worst now. That’s what I remember contraction feeling like. The nurse kept giving me pain medication to ease the pain, but it would only last a hour or so. That morning on 11-16, I made up my mind and told my boyfriend I was ready to have the baby because I just couldn’t stand the pain. After two epidurals, it was time for me to push. I went through the worst labor ever to deliver a baby I would not be able to take home. On 11-16 at 9:42 am, I delivered my beautiful son Isaiah. He weighed only 13.2 ounces. He didn’t get to take his first breath outside the womb. I was so devastated. I cried and cried. I just wanted him to come home to me.
Till this day, I cry everyday because on my birthday 3-30, which was my due date, I will not be bringing my baby boy home. It hurts so much and all I can do is cry. I don’t understand why me? I really haven’t got any answers on why I went into labor so early. Happiness, will I see that anymore? All I want is to have my son and my life back. I want to be happy and I feel like I will never be happy again and it hurts. I know people say that having another will not replace your baby and I know that. But I really want to have another baby soon to take my mind off the past and move forward. But all I can do is hope and pray. I wish my relationship wasn’t so rocky so I can have another baby, but it is.. I love my boyfriend and I can only see myself with him, but with this lost, I’m so angry and bitter. I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at myself. Because I feel like its all my fault. I was so happy that my spoiled little girl was going to have a baby brother she would be able to grow up with and play with, and now I don’t see that ever happening. I hope this pain will go away.
I know Isaiah is in heaven, but everyday I pray he will come back to me…
