Dear baby,
I’ve grown so attached to you, I think about you non-stop, I dream about you, and I always want to buy you stuff already lol, but maybe it’s just me that thinks it may be a possibility that God won’t let me have you? ugh I want to cry, I want to scream, I never know what to do but all I can do is think about you, but still in the back of my mind every time I start slipping or forget to take a vitamin, I think I’m going to lose you. So I panic and I sit and wait until I have enough faith to believe you’re there. I cry reading people’s stories of losing their babies. The Lord knows I don’t EVER want to lose you. Daddy doesn’t either. You’re something very precious, oh so precious to me. Please little baby, never give up. Anytime you feel you can’t push on any longer, just give me a tap and I’ll make a way, but I’m begging you, never leave me.
-Mommy
Hi! I’m 20 and I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.
I haven’t had my period in 2 months. I’m too scared to get tested, too scared of the results. I’ll never see the ‘father’ again; I don’t even know him. I smoke a lot. I drink a lot. I’m studying. I’m selfish. I don’t want a baby. I know what I do want, but I know that it’s not right. I don’t think I’ll be able to say goodbye if I were to adopt it out. Even worse, my ex-boyfriend will be getting out of jail soon. If he were to see me pregnant with another man’s baby, he may quite literally kill us.
My family would support me. They’ll be angry if I were to have an abortion, so only my best friend knows about my dilemma and I know she’ll support me either way, but is leaning toward the abortion side because she knows what I want. If I don’t decide what to do soon, my body will. But I mean, how do you decide to give up something like that?? I try to think of it as a clinical little fetus growing inside of me, not My Baby. Sometimes my mind will forget that though. I know I’ll be a good mum. I have things I desperately want to do before becoming a Mother. I want my baby to have a Father. My parents are retired, and I don’t want to make them bankrupt trying to support me and a baby.
I guess what I want is for someone to tell me that having an abortion is ok. That I will feel fine afterward. And life will carry on as normal. And I won’t carry around a terrible guilt that will lay heavy on my heart for the rest of my life. After reading some of the struggles these girls will go through to keep their baby, or the struggles after they’ve lost it, I’m left feeling confused. I know what I want, but I know that it’s not right!
Now I am 9 weeks and 4 days. I’m going for my first check-up/appointment/whatyoumaycallit on June 16. I’m rather excited [:
I finally broke the news to my mother, she freaked out & said she could afford a baby and put it all on her like it would be her responsibility. So my dad, who knows, said we could stay there. Which is good because my boyfriend works for my dad so it saves a lot of gas money. We’re moving in this coming weekend [:
We have names picked out, although we aren’t going to find out the sex of the baby. I really really want to, but he doesn’t. I figure whatever, It will be a decent surprise(: HaHa. I’d much rather know, especially if it’s a girl, so I have an excuse to make our bedroom all pink HaHaHa.
I have a little belly going now, it’s not too noticeable if you don’t know I am, but the people who know definitely see it and love to touch it. I’m not morning sick a lot. I never was, it was usually at night if ever. I have bad bad cramps from gas and wearing too-tight of jeans. [woops>.<] I’m exhausted all the time, but luckily my school year will be over in exactly a week. Then I can FINALLY sleep in.
My boyfriend is just as excited as I am. He looks at my belly every day and touches it and talks to it and all kinds of stuff. He’s going to be a great daddy [: When we go to Walmart, we usually make a stop in the baby aisle and look around. We both want to start shopping already! We aren’t going to until about 15 weeks when we know I’m past the point of miscarrying.
We have a lot of money saved. I have nearly 600 from working since April [haven’t spent a dime!]and he has a looot. He never says how much, but it’s a lot.
But yes. We are super excited to be bringing our little one into the world [:
It all started in February, the second semester of my grade 9 year.
I was walking back to my classroom from the washroom and he was walking toward me... I don't know what it was about him, but right then and there, I knew I had to have him. He made my heart melt... He was 17, I was 15... I got to know him and found out he had a girlfriend... She was really protective and he wasn't allowed to hang out with me... She made him stop talking to me, and when they broke up, a couple of months later, we started talking in November. We finally hung out in the New Year, and then I remembered why I fell for him in the first place... His eyes, the way he smelled, the way he carried himself... From my eyes, I saw perfection! Between then and the middle of April, we had been together on and off. I never could quite make him happy enough to make him want to stay... Some other girl always had something better to offer... Until she broke his heart. But he'd always come back, and the way he made me feel- made me keep taking him back because no one else had ever made me feel so in love. He had hurt me so bad, so many times, but I never cared... Not if it meant I would get him back. Sometimes it was girls I didn't know, and sometimes it would be my really good friends... But I never found out from him, it was always someone else... Which made me feel like the biggest idiot on this earth, thinking maybe this time he would stay with me... Like he always promises. At the end of grade 10, when the summer holidays started, we had a fight because once again, a "friend" had got between us. Now when I think of it, if he had really loved me and cared for me like he said he did, he wouldn't have done anything to hurt me, but if she was my best friend like she said she would, she wouldn't have done anything either.. This is when I realized I was never really worth it to either of them. We didn't talk for 2 weeks max, but to me, it felt like years.
Near the end of June - beginning of July, I began having weird symptoms... My boobs hurt every time they were touched and they would start to leak, I always felt ill in the mornings, but never was actually sick, and I had the worst headaches in the world! I knew right then I was pregnant... I kept putting it to the back of my mind, but no matter how far I pushed it back, it wasn't going away. I told my mom I needed to get a test, she was the only one I told besides him. I knew he was the dad, he was the only boy I had ever slept with... He was concerned and told me he would be there for us. Me and my mom are like peanut butter and jam. I knew she wouldn't think any less of me, and I knew I could talk to her about anything. Finally one day, we were at the drugstore and we picked one up. The cheapest one on the shelf. As soon as I walked in the door at home, I went to the washroom to take the test. I already knew what the result would be, but I needed to be reassured. The tests say it will take up to 3 minutes to activate, mine took maybe 3 seconds. There it was, that pink line you know is going to show, but somehow wish it would just be some kind of nightmare. I don't know why I cried, because I was definitely not shocked, but every 16-year-old would, right? I mean, you have so many different thoughts running through your head you don't know what to think. I showed my mom and we booked an appointment at the clinic to get information on all the options. I always said abortion and adoption were never for me, but I never thought it would happen to me, either. By the end of August, I had an appointment with my family doctor. He said we would try to find the heartbeat. He told me it might be a little early, but we tried anyway. He found it within a minute, and then and there I knew... I could not picture myself without it. It was my own flesh and blood, and he/she was depending on his/her mommy to build him/her big and strong.
I was so emotional, I told my boyfriend right away there was no way I could get rid of it... But still, he told me he would support me. I was nervous about telling my family and friends, but when the word got loose, drama started... I had rumors going around about me, more than you could imagine. People said I was faking for attention, slept around so I didn't actually know who the father was, etc. I went home every day and cried... I felt like such a piece of dirt. The months dragged on, and then he got a girlfriend. We didn't talk for months, because again, he chose someone else over me. But of course, he got hurt in the end. We started talking when they were having problems because he knew he could always come to me to talk, to vent, or for advice. They broke up in February and we got close again. He was getting excited to meet his son, as was I. On March 22, I had my beautiful baby boy, Benjamin. The father came and sat with me after he was done with school both nights I was in the hospital. He was in love. I could see it in his eyes. When I got home, I had many visitors, both family and friends. Even him. For the first few weeks, I was on cloud 9. I had everything I ever dreamed of. Of course, it wouldn't stay like that. It never did. The father didn't want people finding out he talked to me, or had anything to do with his son. He even denied him to anyone that asked. I couldn't believe after everything that this was happening all over again. I found out he was seeing other girls as well, and we were done. He blamed me, because everything was always my fault. Always. And not a week later ( in the month of May), and he was dating someone else. They are still together to this day, but I know they won't last. A part of me will always want him, and I know I will forever love him. To me, love isn't a feeling that will go away. But the thing that means the most to me is the little boy whom I get to hold every night and put to sleep. He relies on me, and has since that June when he was conceived. He is 11 weeks today, and they have been the most precious 11 weeks of my life. I love him more than anything in the world, and I cannot picture life without him.
The father may come and go, and come and go, but one thing is for sure.. My baby boy will never leave me, nor will I EVER leave him.
I am so happy to say that I am keeping the baby that I am now carrying. It was unexpected, but so worth it!!
At the moment, I am 15 weeks along, I think, because I got pretty confused between what the calculator on this site was telling me and what the doctor says, but I think I should probably just stick with what the doctor says. I was just there like “I’m not that far along” and he kept on saying, “I really think you are”. We had a small little argument about it before I just decided to be quiet.
I’m starting to show, in a big way. There’s not just a small bump, it’s pretty sizable. I can cup my stomach in my hands and I don’t quite know how it crept up on me. I was sitting with one of my friends today and she said “[Yikes], I don’t mean to offend you, but you look really pregnant”. I just had to tell her, straight out with it, and she said she’d been noticing things for a while now.
Despite the fact I’ve been able to contain my excitement long enough not to buy baby clothes, my mum hasn’t. She got them these two onesies with ‘Home Grown’ written on the front, they’re newborn size, and I just keep looking at the little arm and leg holes wondering how is it possible for someone to be that small.
My boyfriend and I are still together, which surprises me. We’d only been in a relationship for about six or so months before this and I thought he’d run for the hills. But even though we’re together, it still feels as if he doesn’t want this. He’s not excited, at all. In fact, the only thing that really excites him is the medical side of having twins. He’s a third-year med student, two years older than me, and at the scan, he kept on quizzing the doctor about the physical process between identical twins, instead of looking at the screen, instead of looking at our children. It just upsets me. I’m so excited for these babies now, even though I’m still terrified, and I don’t understand why he isn’t excited, or just doesn’t care. It was amazing at the scan, for me anyway.
He says he wants to do this with me, but is he really serious? We’re moving in together in the Summer, and I don’t want to be in a position where I’m relying on him and then he just decides to run off. I’d rather become independent now.
