Hey everyone. I’m a 21-year-old single mom of an awesome two and half-year-old little boy. Since I had him, I’ve had some rough times which I ended up having not one but two abortions since I had him.
At the time I had each of them, I thought I was doing the right thing considering the situations I was in and how everyone around me like the guy kept telling me it was the right thing to do. Yet when I’m alone sometimes, I start thinking or I see my son’s baby pictures and I think to myself how I could have two other amazing kids running around. But I keep my head high and keep doing what I am, not letting my past decisions keep me down.
I have recently found out that I’m pregnant again, only four weeks along actually, and the father asked me to do what’s best and not have the child. I mean, I gave it some thought but I know that I can’t put myself through that again. I’ll never forget the past two and do not want feel the emptiness inside again. cause its not a form of birth control like some guys think it, nothing. Well to them, maybe not, but they don’t feel that empty feeling inside after it’s done.
Anyways I guess I just wanted to share with everyone that I was pregnant again! And due around mid March. I have read many stories and such from this site in the past few years and everyone’s stories have really helped me along the way.
Wow, what a wild ride this is turning out to be! Aside from the paperwork I’m into up to my nose at work, things aren’t turning out so bad. I’m in my twelfth week and will be beginning my second trimester next week. That means I get bigger right..? Eek! Many friends and family are aware of the pregnancy now and are ecstatic! Others whom we haven’t seen in what seems to be forever don’t have a clue, but no harm, no foul.
Great news! My boyfriend was just hired for a new job for exactly what he’s been in search of, millwright! He starts next Monday. I won’t see him for five straight days as he will be pretty far away to drive with the ludacris gas prices still rising, which does saddens me. However I like to think I’m one tough cookie, and I’ve got a lot to keep me busy between working six days a week, the gym, and fixing up our little place we are currently in. More great news! We’ve found a place where he will be working! It’s a fabulous condo that’s just had new renovations. They’re friends of ours and they need to move for a new job as well so they’re selling to us! We won’t be moving until late January, early February because I want to stay close to friends, family, and most importantly…my doctor. So unfortunately, things will be a little lonely for a while. Maybe not so lonely after this little angel starts kicking me in the gut. I’m sure I’ll need a little boot every now and then to keep me going though! We are beginning to get along better, though there are still those mental arguments that make me want to claw my face off. He is getting better day by day, and I pray it just continues.
So with all this good news on the up and up, I’m left wondering what’s next? After so much good news, isn’t some bad news supposed to even the score? I guess we’ll see. I’ve made it this far so it would be pointless to stop now. Just stay strong and keep that chin up girl…you can do anything! We’re all just trying to make it in this crazy world which continues to turn on itself daily. We need to have each others’ backs because long gone are the days when you could do it on your own. Maybe you still can…but why turn away a loving outstretched hand?
To get around all that has happened to me is a major hill to climb. I don’t know if I will ever get over it or if I will ever be 100 percent okay BUT I know that I am trying – one day at a time and with God’s good grace, will continue to get me through life.
My friends try to comfort me and tell me it’s okay but none of them will ever be able to completely wrap their head around what I went through. I had an abortion at 8 weeks, with no painkillers – not by choice but because I couldn’t afford them. I don’t know anyone who has gone through what I went through that is why I am struggling to wrap my own head around it. But now that I found this site, maybe I will find myself again. Because at this moment in time, 6 months after everything happened, I still struggle to even cope with what I had done.
Lost Angel
So I thought that I would give this site an update on how my pregnancy is going.
I am no longer questioning whether or not I want to have this baby. I am more than eager to be my little girl’s mother!! I love to feel her move around in my tummy! It is the most wonderful experience that I have ever had! I am now 23 weeks and 6 days. So practically 24 weeks; as of tomorrow. I can’t wait until my next apt!!
I wonder if I will get to see her again…
I really want to be pregnant now. Yeah, my boyfriend is def not onboard that train…
I feel like I can’t make things right unless I have another and raise it right, happy, and healthy. Is this stupid? Am I just making a hasty decision?
I have no idea. I just need some advice, or someone to talk to.
It seems like my life is changing in so many ways!
Three years ago, I was so young and so out of the loop. Today, it seems I have grown so much by the events in my life! I am who I am today because of everything that has happened! I was raped countless times, by 2 guys I trusted very much! I was betrayed and hurt, and thought I could never go back! I felt love, and then hurt. I was destroyed. I became the girl you would see alone, no friends, too shy to even answer a question asked by a teacher! I was the girl people would make fun of because I was ” different.” I was scared! I was left out of the loop, to become a danger to myself! I picked up cutting, and other habits, that later just hurt me! The scares I look at everyday remind me of the pain I have suffered. Family fighting because a way of life. It was as if I was so hurt that I felt dead. I was not willing to change because I didn’t want my hopes to fall and for me to be destroyed.
I met a guy who now I call my boyfriend! A guy who should be there is a meaning to live, and a live for me to lead. A future full of joy, and a heart to help others! I love who I am now, and I’m not that girl in the back of the room! I still suffer from dreams, back flashes, and other reminders of my past. But my present is bright! I now am 16 years young, and he is 17! Yes, we’re young but love in present and everyone can see it! He showed me he will and would never hurt me. I don’t have to hide my body, or who the real me is! I’m me now and I’m proud! I’m a rape survivor, I’m helping out people who are just like me. We now might be expecting a baby, and it’s scary to be young with a child, but it’s worth it! I’m so scared but I have him and he will never leave me! We’ve been through so much, and it brings us so much closer! I Love Him and we will love our baby!
Thanks for reading this!!
