You’ve seen me cry
even fall to the ground
but thing that you do not see
is to see me give up on something I love.
Everyone knows me.
Everyone dislikes me
but I don’t care
because as long as I have friends
and the one guy I love,
there is nothing to be worried about.
If I get pregnant,
then it’s fine.
I know I will be a great parent
and so will he.
Hi all.
I am a typical 22-year-old girl and my little story is like most of the rest, I think. I grew up in a good home, my parents are the best!! I finished school and started work at an accounting firm – alone in a different town where no one knew me. Made some friends, good and bad. This all happened in less than a year, mind you. THEN MY LIFE CHANGED!!!!! I met a man, 8 years my senior, & “fell in love” and against my better judgment, moved in with him. The parents went crazy. Anyway, on 25 November, I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant!!! O my goodness, what am I to do now? Parents were devastated, dad didn’t talk to me for weeks. I was 19, barely. The guy seemed strangely happy, his parents and family members also. So we decided to get MARRIED – I don’t recommend anyone getting married at 19, no matter what the circumstances may be!!!!! Didn’t think it was the best thing but still, I stupidly agreed. So we got married and a few short months later I gave birth to a big, beautiful baby boy, Lian Jurie.
Now, let me tell you it wasn’t all moonshine and roses, o no. For after Lian was born, we started fighting. I remember the last time. He picked me up by my neck, tried to strangle me, and I woke up on the floor. Its’ been a year – we’re still married. Why? you ask. I forgave him. If he intended to really hurt me – he would have hurt my son. He never ever laid a hand on my son in anger – not once! Things were going so bad at that stage – financially, his father moved in with us – all those elements were against us.
These days – we are in love – really in love this time!! Things change, people change – and MEN DO CHANGE!!!! Life goes on. I’ve thought of running away – many times – I wouldn’t lie about that, but my son keeps me going.
This upcoming February, we will be married 3 years and and then in June, little Lian will be 3 years old AND 2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant with another baby – on 25 November. Isn’t that funny 🙂
There are happy endings and new beginnings 🙂
I am still confused on what to decide on myself. I am working in a place where it’s part of the Middle East, where pregnancy without marriage and abortion is really not allowed and against the law. I am a mother of one child with my husband back in my hometown and they don’t know what I’ve been through until now, not anyone of my family or close friends. I never know if I will get pregnant. I had a boyfriend and I was accidentally pregnant. I never knew that I would have this because I kept telling myself that I would never have a baby anymore because I’m so scared of giving birth. It’s because of my experience during my first baby.
I work in a British Islamic school, I am nursery school teacher. The school sponsored me for my work. I came to this place in a single status even though I married already in my hometown. It’s because I didn’t change my passport status.
My boyfriend is married also. But he still supports me with financial needs and comfort. I love him so much but its hard to open up, on this side of place because they have their own law and its a Islamic country. I am afraid if I will lose my job and if the police will know that I am pregnant, they will put me into jail for sure. I am thinking of abortion it for its still 2 months. I take the pills which we buy it for secret way. I have bleeding for one day only. I thought that I’d lost the baby. I feel better on that time. But when I am waiting for my period for the next month, nothing comes out on me. I felt that there are some changes in me. I know I had a pregnancy symptoms, but I just take it for granted. Until I never had my period, I made a test again in my friends house, it was positive. Then I made a test again together with my boyfriend, then he found out that I am pregnant.
Until now, I have the baby in my tummy. We planned to remove it. But it was already 5 months old. I keep on thinking what will I do with this problem, I don’t have somebody to talk to regarding this situation because its so complicated and i am afraid because this country is not an open country. I am afraid if I will be put into jail and will lose my job. I am just the only breadwinner on my family. I love my husband and my child, but I’m still confused if i will have to deliver my baby for sure in my own country. My school never know yet my situation.
Now the baby is moving in my tummy without any medical check-ups and etc… I don’t know what will I do. I keep thinking to myself I had to deliver it but where will I gave birth and who will take good care of it after? I cannot bring him if I will get my labor in my country, its really not allowed. Please help me. I need somebody who can comfort me and can ease my thoughts with the right decisions I will make. Thank you so much.
It’s funny how fast life can change….. I mean one day, you’re a virgin and the next, you’re just…not. Well, this past weekend, I lost my virginity. I made it through 18 years and then I just lost it to some random guy at a party when I was drunk…… I can’t blame anyone but myself. I knew what I was doing. But I went ahead and had sex anyway. Because I was curious. So now I’m not a virgin anymore…. and to be honest, I don’t think it was really worth it. The people I’ve told keep saying I’ll get over it and everyone feels like that after their first time but I don’t know if I will. To make matters worse, I did it again two days later. I know…. stupid. Clearly, I have serious issues. Too many to talk about in this one blog. I don’t even know if the first guy used a condom. I mean I think he did….but I was drunk… He said he did…. but I was drunk….. I think I’m supposed to have my period next week and if not, then definitely the week after. Now I’m just asking for forgiveness/guidance from God. I don’t think I’m a bad person….. I just made a really bad decision.
Well after this weekend I completely understand how sex can mean one thing to one person and something totally different to another. I always thought sex and emotions went hand in hand and were inseparable but you can have sex and it can be nothing more than that and both people walk away and its just done……
The guy keeps calling me but I don’t want to talk to him. He’s just another skeleton in my closet that I don’t care to open up anytime soon.
I found out almost a week ago that I could be pregnant. When my period did not start on Thanksgiving, I started getting nervous. I had to go out of town on Saturday, Sunday was a day I figured I would just hold out on, then Monday was the day I bought an at-home pregnancy test — not the inexpensive, one-dollar, kind either! lol 2:00 in the afternoon, it showed “positive”. Oh crap! Am I supposed to be happy? I was, but not as much as I thought I would be.
On Wednesday (after telling the dad), I called the OB who delivered my first/only child (17 years earlier!), but my call had to be returned. To save time… I had to call back on Friday. To see what steps to take next. I was told that the Dr. was going to be on vacation for the last two weeks of December and asked if there was anything that would require a quicker visit.
Here is where the tricky part comes in. I have been diabetic for 31 years. I was diagnosed as being hypothyroid over 7 years ago. I had colorectal cancer in 2001 (praise God there was no chemo or radiation, only surgery – colon (rectum) resection, and I have been being treated for “major depression disorder” for one year (as of 5 days ago). Oh yeah… I have been having abnormal pap tests for at least 2 years. My OB does one every 6 months to keep track of progress — for a negative test or one that would show cancer. The nurse said “Yeah, he’s gonna want to see you before he goes on vacation.” She also faxed a request for an HCG (blood test) to the hospital and said I should go that day and by the end of the day (Friday) or Monday, she would let me know how it turned out.
If the result was 1600 or more, she would need me to get a transvaginal ultrasound. Friday evening, I got the call: my HCG was 2500. Yay? This is Sunday (just 2 days after the blood pregnancy test was positive, and 6 days after I took a home pregnancy test that was positive). I am waiting for a call tomorrow to see when I will have to do the transvaginal ultrasound, and then see the doctor in person.
OK, that is the pregnancy status. Here is the gossip-type stuff: The father is married, but not to me. I hear you calling me a fool, but fools can fall in love, can’t they? Let me update you on this gossip so if you decide to read further, you will know what I am talking about. I met this guy, let’s call him John, in two years in August. Without giving too many details (because his wife and her family are crazy — honestly), we only met when I asked him a question at a “county social event”. One year later, I happened to run into him right up town at a town “social event” (can you say “free root beer floats at a local drive-up, fast-food restaurant?). I did not know then that he had been looking for me ever since that day a year before. We did not talk much, but he invited me to take part with him in the county social event again that year (August last year). We ended up going to the next county’s event before our own county’s and hit it off. He tells me now how that was the moment he fell in love with me. It was that night, after the event, that I asked if he was married. He was! I so tried to not get close to him (you know how it goes…), but things progressed and by one week later, we were a couple, so-to-speak.
I do not believe in adultery or fornication, and I have hated myself for doing it, but until you are in the situation yourself, you can not judge. I had even told myself long ago that I would not have sex again until I was married. Unfortunately, I am made of flesh and got weak — in spirit, heart, and body.
Back to John, real quick… He has 3 children with his wife. He is in his very low 40’s, she is in her upper, mid-thirties. One child just turned 15, one will be 5 this month, and the other turned 3 a couple months ago. Oh, yes, the wife knows, as of September this year, that he and I have been together for over a year. She did not kick him out until October, but he has been “living” with me since then. I say “living” because he was not supposed to totally move in, but get a place with a friend of his as soon as he could. He still has not been able to take possession of all his things. He has not gotten a lawyer yet because he/we can not come up with a $1000 retainer. His wife surely can not, and I do not think a lawyer will take up her case with the hopes of being paid by John at the end of the trial either. See? I told you it was complicated!
After we had been together 6 months — February (way too soon, I know), I stopped using birth control, but it was not until July that we decided to actually try to have a have a baby. When I was not pregnant by October, I asked my regular doctor what the problem could be. I was told that usually patients are asked to wait for one year of trying to conceive before taking any action for infertility or other causes. Because he had his last child just 3 years ago, naturally I thought there was something with me – my age, most likely, although I have not been through menopause yet. My periods have gone from 7 days to 3 days in just a year’s time.
So, as I began, I did become pregnant in November. You can imagine the thoughts I now have. As I said earlier, my first/only child just turned 17, so one of my thoughts is “I’m almost done with this one and could have had my freedom. Now I’m going to have to do it all over again, and I’m not getting younger.” Or this thought “What the heck am I doing? He’s married!” As if that is not enough on its own. Maybe “major depression disorder” is not my only problem. (lol)
Speaking of MDD… I stopped taking my antidepressants and all other medications on Sunday. I had spoken to my “psychiatrist/counselor” about what would happen, medication-wise, if I got pregnant. He told me that I would have to stop the antidepressants because they are known to cause birth defects – mental and physical, even as early in development when the neural tube is forming (where the spinal cord and nerves are formed and housed during the first weeks when the baby is still just an embryo). I also quit the thyroid medicine (for hypothyroidism) and blood pressure medicine I was taking to delay/stall/stop kidney failure. I had protein show in my urine years ago and began the blood pressure medicine for it.
I think that brings you up-to-date. I will add more later if I think it is pertinent. I really do not know why I started this blog. Maybe it was to give me an outlet (for times like now when I am going through mild withdrawal from the antidepressants, and am tearing off John’s head a lot more than I Ever have), or to give the baby something to look back on if he/she wants to, but maybe, most of all, it will be to give God glory for the great things he will do for me with regard to this pregnancy. With so many things going against me, let alone health-wise only, His mercy can do amazing things. I thought my first pregnancy/child was going to be a curse, but he changed it to be a great, life-changing, life-improving blessing. I have already prayed that He would have this same mercy on me this time. If you believe, I ask that you pray for me also.
Besides those who absolutely Have to know (Dr, psychiatrist, dentist [for x-ray reasons], and OB), the only person I have been able to share the news with is my 17-year-old. Because we live in a small town, telling the wrong person would have the news all over town in a matter of one to two hours – seriously. John told his mom yesterday, but has not totally told me how she feels about it yet. I will not tell my mother until my health holds up. Being a mom, she has already expressed how she thinks my health will fail if I got pregnant. Yes, pregnancy is hard on a “regular” person’s body, and it could be worse for mine, considering the things I spoke of earlier. I will wait to tell her until either I have to (showing beyond sensibly hiding it) or my health is evidence that she can not say I am going to fall apart. I do not want her to worry needlessly either. I guess we will have to see about that, but like I said, I have prayed for the baby/babies and myself and have faith that God will take care of me/us and all will be well, for His glory.
Maybe you noticed how I said “baby/babies” in that last paragraph. Yes, there have been twins in my family and because my HCG was a little higher than we expected, multiples have not been ruled out by John or myself. We have joked about this quite a bit, but that is another thing we will have to see about. (God, please have mercy on me. Your mercy endureth forever.)
Till next time…
When I was 15, I found out I was pregnant with my best friend’s younger brother. He is 7 years older than me.
My parents were mad at me and would not speak to me for months. I stayed at home cuz I wasn’t allowed to leave, but at the same time, I’m glad I stayed. School was annoying cuz I heard people talkin’ behind my back, calling me the pregnant freshman as if I didn’t have a name. After a while, my parents and everyone started to speak to me, and my son’s father was around for a bit. After my son was born, everything got better but my son’s father left us.
I’m fine without him, and trust me, so is my son.
