This may be long, but I feel hopeless and any advice would be great!! In September, I found out I was pregnant with my boyfriend of 3 years. I am 20 and my boyfriend is 23. When I found out, I was totally freaked out, but kind of excited at the same time. When I told him, he was really nice about it, but I could tell he wanted me to get an abortion. When I was 8 weeks pregnant, I thought that abortion would be the best decision. I’m not sure if I was making the choice for me or if it was to make my boyfriend happy. The abortion was a 2-day process. The first day I went in, it was mostly consultation, and then the second day was the actual surgery. The next day, my boyfriend drove me to the abortion clinic and was told to come back in 4 hours to pick me up. As soon as he left me, I was alone, waiting on the bed for the nurse to come see me. She brought me 2 pills and instructed me to take them in order to start the abortion process. I just stared at them… I didn’t feel right taking them. I didn’t want to take them. The nurse came back about 10 minutes later to find the pills still sitting there. She told me I HAD to take the pills. I refused to take them and refused to do the abortion. I ended up getting my boyfriend to come and pick me up. I was scared that he would be mad at me for not following through with it. He wasn’t! I told him I just wasn’t ready to do it. Weeks went by and I still had not rescheduled the abortion, even though my boyfriend kept reminding me to make the appointment. After being 19 weeks pregnant, I finally returned to the abortion clinic. I only made it past the first day. The doctor looked at me and told me that he felt like I would regret doing this, and he was right, I would have. When I left the clinic, my boyfriend asked about how it went. I lied… That was probably the worst mistake I could have made. It was now New Year’s and definitely too late to have an abortion, but my boyfriend was not aware of that. One night, he got to thinking and called me and asked me if I was keeping the baby. He caught me so off guard that I couldn’t even lie anymore. I told him that I was keeping it. He became furious, threatening to leave me and calling me immature and selfish. I completely understand where he was coming from; I shouldn’t have kept something so serious from him. I was planning on telling him, just wanted to wait for a good time.
Now here I am, almost 30 weeks pregnant, and every day, my boyfriend reminds me how I have ruined his life. He’s depressed and would rather die than be miserable. He is no longer happy. I do believe that I am the reason that he is depressed and unhappy. I kept something so important from him and now he has no choice, but to deal with it. I feel extremely guilty that I did that to him, but if I were to go back in time, I still don’t think I would have had the abortion. I’m his girlfriend and I should be able to make him happy again. I don’t know how! Talking about the baby makes him more depressed and when he sees me, all he sees is my belly. I don’t know what to do! Everyone else is so happy for me and he’s the only one that’s unhappy. I feel like the worst person in the world and don’t know what to do anymore. I cry every day because I am so hopeless.
I’m 18 weeks, 3 days… 19 weeks on Friday!
I feel like an elephant, can’t even fit in my school shirts anymore. I can’t concentrate at school. My baby is moving around so much already. People are starting to stare and talk…Seriously, I’ve been pregnant for almost 5 months!
His daddy is still being blunt and immature. But at least he’s growing up slowly, hopefully in time for August. We are so much though, it’s unreal. We act like a married couple… Can’t see us being together for when the baby arrives, or if we do, we certainly won’t be engaged and happy. I hope if we split up, he sticks around for bubba though.
The baby moves so much, not just when it’s loud out… It’s whenever he wants to, most of the time when I’m busy. He’s growing so fast, I’m huge! Luckily he hasn’t given me any stretch marks yet though. Need to buy lots of new clothes, hardly any fit. I can tell he’s going to come early, either that or I’m further along than what they think. I’m not even 20 weeks yet and I’m bigger than my cousin who’s 28 weeks pregnant.
I miss being the baby of the family. No one’s interested in how I’m feeling, it’s all about Leo…’Oh, I got him this’ ‘Is he moving?’ ‘When’s his due date?’ ‘Can I see the scan pictures?’ I feel like no one remembers that I am still a child. Yes, my baby will be the new addition, and he’s going to be super cute…And I understand everyone is so excited. But no one has noticed I cry myself to sleep most nights. I’m behind in my schoolwork, I’m miserable, I don’t go out much. I’m depressed…And no one notices.
Please hurry up and get here, bubba. I want everything to be normal again.
So to catch up,
I’m 10 weeks pregnant and couldn’t be more surprised as to how easy it’s been, besides the hunger and exhaustion. But surprisingly, no vomiting or anything. My next appt is the 29th and I’m so anxious for the day to get here lol. The baby’s father and I broke up on Valentine’s Day. We just couldn’t get along anymore. All the stress kind of pulled us away from each other. But we’ve talked every day since and we’re working it out. I couldn’t see myself with anyone other than my baby’s father. So pray for me cause the Lord knows I need it! But I started college right after my birthday, which was the second btw. Happy birthday to me 😀 lol. I’m loving being back in school and the best part is I graduate right before my little stinker will be here. I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited about something like I am with this. Also since last time I wrote, I told my dad I was pregnant after freaking out about how to tell him for the longest time. He’s excited :D, him and my stepmom both. She tells everyone she’s having another grandbaby lol. I was shocked at how stoked they are. I still talk to my dad almost every day and we are still as close as we were if not closer. He always wants updates on the baby. I just wish my baby’s daddy’s family was the same way. We do not get along, I’m not sure we ever will. Well that’s all I have for now.
I’ll write again soon.
Love you guys, thanks for reading <3
Dear sister,
Life wasn’t the same when I found out I was pregnant. On November 24, I missed my period. That day felt a bit different from other days. I wasn’t sure why. It felt….different. I was afraid that I was pregnant. It was just five days after I had intercourse. My menstrual cycle was regular. I didn’t think pregnancy would work that fast. So I waited. And wasted time. I had to at least wait one more week. I didn’t understand. I told my boyfriend of nearly 3 years that I wasn’t ovulating. The condom broke. Everything had flown out and inside of me. I take online tests to know when I’m ovulating since it comes a few days late. Prior to that, I was having symptoms of pregnancy. It turns out I was VERY fertile when it all occurred. I was very fatigued and I had frequent urination. My breasts were very tender and hard. I thought it was the weather since I live in New York. But then , when I got inside, they were still hurting. Everything that came my way seemed to smell very bad. Like perfume. And I love perfume! I was so scared to take a test.
I went to Urban Health Plan so I can get some prenatal care for my baby. That’s if I was pregnant. I went to see my doctor. I wouldn’t give them my name. They allowed me to see my doctor. They told me to pee in a cup and draw some blood. I also wanted to take an STD test because you may never know. I lingered around the room lurking to find any information that might be suitable for pregnant women. Soon enough, my doctor came in.
“Can you sit down with me for a second?” She asked.
“Of course, well do you know if I’m pregnant yet?” I was so nervous I stumbled upon some words.
“The tests aren’t ready yet, but I’ll need to take a cheek swab and some mucus. There are some clothing in the back waiting for you. I can’t check you with tight clothing.” She slapped some tight umbra gloves on.
“Will this hurt?” A tear fell from my eye. I looked up at the ceiling from above.
“Not at all. But I do need to ask you a few questions.” She penetrated a little Q-tip inside. “When was your last period?”
I yelped. “Your hurting me a little bit.” I squealed sliding from the chair a little bit.
“The tests are ready in the lab waiting for you, Doctor.” The nurse said.
I was apprehensive for a bit. But I have to know.
“I’ll be right out.” She responded. The nurse shut the door tight. “Do you know when you had intercourse with your partner?” She removed her gloves and automatically washed her hands. She sat down and pulled a stool up.
“It was in October. The beginning of our anniversary.”
She nodded. “Did he ejaculate inside of you.”
I was embarrassed. A tear fell out of my left eye. I knew my boyfriend’s mother would be very upset if my boyfriend was having a baby with me. She liked me very much, but I knew she wouldn’t agree to let me keep him. “He did. Am I allowed to know the results yet?” I looked at her, putting my hand to my face and she handed me a tissue to wipe my tears away.
“Don’t cry, everything will be okay. How long ago was this? Should I meet the young man?” She suggested. “No, please don’t. We had sex five weeks ago. I think it’s too early to tell.” I responded.
“Well, not exactly. Even though you missed your period once, it can be different for you. Different women have different bodies. You know that right?”
I nodded. “Do you think I might be pregnant?” I looked up at her and gazed into her eyes.
“Well, there could be a possibility.”
The nurse walked in. “Well, how are you ladies doing on the beautiful morning?”
I bit my lip a little. She had a booklet in her hand. I tried following the words by tilting my head a little. But I couldn’t figure it out.
“Well, we tested your blood. And, it turns out we found HCG.” I was in shock. My eyes got wide. She handed me a book full of obstetricians, gynecologists, and nutritionists. “Well, lay back a little.
This will prove if the test is accurate.” I fell back into the chair. She rubbed some gel on my tummy and did a sonogram. I was pregnant, young and didn’t know what to do…How was I suppose to take care of my baby?
“Would you like to consider abortion?” She recommended.
“I would never.”
– Sincerely
<3
So much is going on in my life. One of my very dear friends sadly committed suicide Monday evening. So I’m utterly devastated! RIP friend. Also baby daddy drama. He honestly needs to grow up! I’m fed up with our baby keeping me awake already…And he’s not even here yet, and him kicking me whilst I’m in class…he’s such a pain. I’ve got so long left, but I just can’t wait for this to all be over!
I’m currently 17 weeks, 4 days along! I know I’m only 15…So young, but I really do love my unborn baby boy! He’s everything to me. I’m so happy about this pregnancy. I’m not sad and miserable…I’m proud of this. I’m strong and I’m willing to do this on my own if I have to! If my son’s father doesn’t grow up, he won’t have anything to do with his child. My baby will just be MY son!
I couldn’t be happier at school. I have so many great friends, the teachers are fab, and well, my mum couldn’t be better! She’s so strong, for me. She’s the main reason I’m still smiling. I know I’m going to be an amazing mummy, because my little man comes before everything now. He will always be my main priority. I don’t understand why a man wouldn’t want to know their child. It’s crazy! If I ever lost my baby, I’d search for him until the day I died.
Deciding on names is so tricky, I’ve got so many names in my head, but I don’t know what he looks like…Do how can I pick it so it suits him? Hopefully, I’ll pick one after the 4d scan…Get a better look of him. My baby boy is everything to me! I love him!<3
