My Story

To start off with, I am 19 years old now and sometimes happy and a lot of the times, sad. I have an almost two-year-old little girl named Shiana and she is the most beautiful person to ever walk in my life. I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant with her. I was 17 when I had her. I raised her pretty much by myself and it was very hard and went through a lot of things with her father, that I wish now would have never done! I ended up doing an open adoption and still going through it with a very close women to me. Her name is Megan and has been there for me like a mom since I was 2. I love my little girl so much that I didn’t want to be the kind of mother that would never be able to give my kids anything and everything they needed and wanted. But I am still in her life and watching her grow up to be the most amazing little girl of my dreams, I am very lucky and blessed by Jesus to have her!

But in between that time, I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant again and with the father of my daughter. I was always taught to never have abortions and felt very strongly against them. I was so lost and so confused and felt like I was losing everything in my life already. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to bring another baby into that kind of life. I went on with being pregnant and not telling anybody in my family except one of my sisters and a couple friends. I had it stuck in my head I will do better this time and stick it out to be a mom again.

I hit 9 weeks in my pregnancy and talked to one of my old friends about what I should do. He told me that he didn’t know but that I should get an abortion and So did most of the people around me. So I faced that decision and decided I was going to have an abortion. About a week before my appointment, the father of the baby decided to have one of his sister’s call my dad who I live with, and told him that she wanted to talk to him about some things that he should know about me. That day, my dad came and picked me up from work and asked me why she wanted to talk to him about me and wanted to know what it was all about! I waited for a little bit and then had my godmother go in with me to talk to my dad, and told him I was 8 weeks pregnant! My dad flipped out on me and told me I need to learn to keep my legs shut and told me I better get an abortion! The only thing I could say back was I am having an abortion and he looked shocked, because I was finally facing a decision without him.

For the next couple of days, I spent the next few nights with my best friend and she had found out she was pregnant to and we both decided to have the abortion together. Her appointment was an hour before mine. The morning of the appointment, all I felt was being nauseated and anxious. I just wanted to get it done and over with. We got there and I got called back and they did an ultrasound and I found out that I was 9 weeks and 3 days along. I told the ultrasound tech. that I didn’t want to see or know anything about the baby, but she told me how healthy and strong it was doing and how good it was growing. When she walked out, I had second thoughts, but didn’t do anything about it.

The procedure happened and the Whole time all I could do was cry and pray to God to help and and forgive me for what I have done. I asked for him to take care of my baby and to let it know everyday how much I miss him or her and that I love him or her very much!

I got home and my dad looked at me. I told him not to talk to me right now cause I didn’t want to talk about it. I couldn’t stop crying and just kept wishing something wrong would have happened so I wouldn’t be alive. Later that night, my dad walked in my room and I told him to never make me feel like I have to do something like that again! He said he didn’t tell me too. I knew it was also my decision too, but he made me feel like I had to.

Every day that goes by, I think of what I could have done to make it different and that I wish I would have ran out of that clinic. I miss my baby so much that I wish sometimes that I would be pregnant again. I still do to this day!

I don’t think that any girl should have to feel like they have to do something so horrible to make sure that they have a place to live or so they can go out and have fun partying with there friends or get approval from anyone, especially parents. Our parents are big influences on us and just because they think you are better off on doing something does not mean that you are. No matter how old you are! Don’t let someone come in the way of something that will change your life for the better! Trust me! My friend that I asked for advice for isn’t even my friend anymore. He got what he wanted out of me and left our friendship for the dirt! But the point of it is, is that your son or daughter will always be there for you and you’ll never know what love is until you are holding your child in your arms! I wish that’s what I was doing right now but I just walk along feeling empty everyday!

THAT DESEVERS MY PRAISE

At the age of 18, I got pregnant with my first child. When I found out that I was pregnant, I had so many mixed feelings. Because at the time that I got pregnant, things wasn’t looking on the up and up.

The father of my unborn child, we wasn’t seeing eye to eye and on top of that, my mom had gotten very ill at that time. so I had to step up and take care of my brother and sister since I was the oldest. There were many days after I made sure that everything was done and clean. I would sit outside on the car and look at the stars and just cry and think to myself. How am I gonna take care of a child of my own when my mom needs me? I didn’t tell my mom right off that I was pregnant but she had a feeling that I was. Shortly after, she was for sure that I was. By the grace of God, that gave her the power and faith for her to fight so that she could be able to see her first grandchild. At my 5 month, my mother made a wonderful recovery. It was like she had never been sick. She came home and the next day, I had to go to the O.BGYN. My mom went with me. She got a chance to see the baby and when they told her that I was having a baby boy my mom just burst into tears cause she was happy.

After that day, she just took over. She went shopping and got him so much stuff. She even gave me my baby shower. I know you wondering about what happened to the baby father. Well, we departed as friends but he was still coming around everyday to check on us and he was with us when I gave birth as well as my mother. I had my son at the age of 19 three days after my birthday. My son is now 6 years-of- age now and he is spoiled by his grandma which he calls mom. You can tell she is proud.  I am now 25 years of age and pregnant with twin boys that will be here Nov-19. No, they are not by my oldest son’s father, but we are still friends and we get along better than we did when we was together. Yes, he is taking good care of his child. But I know you’ve heard of high school sweetheart.

Well, I had a church sweetheart that i was crushing on for a long time even before me and my oldest son father got together, but we never did talk because he had left the church so I didn’t see him anymore. Well as the years went on, some kind of way, we ended up touching bases with each other. We started tripping on the phone then we ended up going on a date. Well I got scared so I stopped calling him and I wouldn’t answer his calls because I was like this can’t be real. Because I had such a huge crush on this man. So after the blue, he called and I answered the phone. He invited me to his new house because he was moving that night. He came and got me. I was thinking other people was gonna be at the house but it wasn’t. We started unpacking the kitchen then we sat around going through boxes. One thing lead to another. I again got scared and didn’t want to talk to him no more. But he would not give up. We ended up dating which to this day, I’m proud to say, we still are together and here I am pregnant with two of his children which I Thank God for everyday. I still can’t believe I am with the man that I was crushing on for so long. And I didn’t forget to tell you all about my mom and son. They are very happy that the twins are coming. I think I really got a problem on my hands because they don’t want to share the twins with each other. I will write again once the twins arrive.

Take care and each and every one of you be blessed and keep your head up. And please don’t forget to pray because prayer changes thing.

A downturn…

I was doing so well with trying to let my abortion be in the past…But I can’t help it, every time I see a pregnant woman, I just feel a little angry…

Today was the worst it’s been in a while. I had to go to my doctor to get a checkup, and sitting in the waiting room with my boyfriend, I saw a couple come out and they had big smiles on their faces… They had just found out they were having a boy and still had the sonogram pictures in their hand. I quietly started crying in my chair, and my boyfriend realized that I was and tried to comfort me, but I couldn’t help it… I want a baby so badly, I was starting to come to my senses, but this one incident just set me over.

For the last few hours, that’s  ALL I can think about…

First blog

Hey, so first blog… I think I will tell you about my day… Later, I will explain my story and it will all come together. But the last few days have been tough and I need to let it out.

My boyfriend, he’s amazing… We’re amazing together. We just go together. We don’t fight, we get along, and we just understand, to put it simply. At the moment, we are… still in time. I don’t feel we’re going anywhere… Just stuck here. Here’s not a horrible place to be. As a matter of fact, it’s not bad at all, but I feel like we’re not moving, just watching everything, life, people, everything going by us. I love him, I honestly do, but nothing is like my first love.

But to the point of the story… Today, my older brother and his wife whom I look up to and adore so much invited us for dinner. Of course, I said yes and told my boyfriend. Right away, he agreed. All day, I looked forward to it. When I picked him up from work, I told him my brother also asked if we could watch his daughter for a few hours after dinner so he could play his soccer game. My boyfriend replied with than I’m not coming. I don’t blame him for not liking crying kids but I wish he could just do something like this for me, something small like spending a few hours with some of the most important people in my life, my family. So after negotiating, I asked if he would come for dinner than go out with friends after. I still got no as an answer. Now its fine he doesn’t want to come but i felt so bad lying to my brother that he had to work late as they were looking so forward to having us over. And I was to, just to hangout as 2 couples, finally as an adult and not just a little sister.  I spend days with his family, although they get on my nerves. I am still my loving upbeat self and they adore me. My family is nothing but the same and more towards him. He is invited for dinner and treated like one of us he is truly apart of me, which makes my family love him even more. My family is my life. They complete me and one day, I will write more about them, about every single one of them… But back to the story/my life

Now, the other side of the story… Last night, I talked to my ex (as friends, of course. I would never in my life go behind my boyfriend’s back). You’ll here more about him in another post, but we had a moment. I found a box from our baby while moving. It had a little jacket, some books, some paper work, and one special book “I’ll love you forever”. This made me cry. Its been so long that I’ve cried. Everyday is hard but I try so hard to keep myself positive, tell myself I’m going to sort my life out, make money, and whatnot before I plan out a family. I am so desperate though. I want a family. I want my baby. I want everything else back. My ex, our life. Anyways, trying to get back on track, I read this book over and over and over, the words so so so true to me, “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be”.

So today, when arguing with my boyfriend, he said he is not a baby person, he hates crying kids. This is when I had to hang-up and pull over. Before i knew it, I was sobbing. Everything I’ve ever wanted in my life, I’ve grown up dreaming of being a mother, having a beautiful family. And here, I have been with this man, doing everything in my willpower to be the best I can be for him, do the best I can do for him and he doesn’t even want or understand me and my dreams. It was like he had suddenly forgot my past (which you will hear more about later). It broke my heart and it got me questioning – maybe this is my sign, my sign from God… Maybe I am not supposed to be with him, maybe this is my turn around signal, or maybe this is my chance to show someone else how there is truly something better out there, change someone’s life for the better, put it into motion again (see previous statement).

Anyways, those are my feelings for now… I know, scattered. I’ve never done this before but it does feel good to get it out, to write it down… Even if no one reads this (maybe for the better), its there, its real, its not all in my head, its on paper… or the net for now.

Oh dear god.. help me

Another Day,

Soo, another day of being a pregnant fifteen-year-old.

Today in my first-period class ( in which no one knows of my secret), some popular boy in my class, stands up and asks me if I’m pregnant?! I reply, ahh. why would you say that? He replies back all short, Well, take a look, I mean with all due respect, you ARE gaining weight. I couldn’t help but cry, I feel so unsafe in this school! I’m overly emotional as it is, but that crossed the line.

The super gorgeous girls in the class of course stereotype, that the pregnant teenagers these days, have horrible issues and are usually along the line of being a slut. SOO the whispers began, making me nervous and completely stressed out. I cracked once again. I then stood up in my first-period English class and yelled, ” Actually, I’m in love with the guy I’m with. I’m proud to be a future mother. I AM a beautiful person and I WILL stand up for all the teen moms who each and every one of you scare and frighten. I HAVE my sister support, and I WIILL NOT take this from my own peers.” And then, I broke down.

It’s hard when we struggled to have friends as it is,  when you were the ugly one, the loser and then now in an even harder part, you find yourself struck with more from their ends.

I’m ready to take this one, but I’m emotionally breaking down, I’m alone..