So no good news for another month. I sit here and wonder if I will ever have the right to concieve. it burns my heart constantly to think there's a possibility it may never happen. But something has changed inside me. The burning has stopped being the result of an intense relentless yearning to feel my baby inside of me, to hold him to kiss him to watch him be born and grow. It has now become a burning at the thought of it NEVER happening for me. It is no longer a question of now Now NOW!! I have questioned myself and am halted at the answers…How would I be able to handle being somebody's mother right now? Will he really be that great Dad of my visions right now or am I just fantasizing? Will I be that great mother? How will i handle the isolation? I'm lonely now at times…what about being lonely and having a little person demand of me all the time? Money? Will we survive it? How will we handle the stresses? Are we good for a baby? Is a baby good for us right now? There are so many things I would want to be to my child and children there's so many things I myself want to experience within the act of having a baby. But I have to ask myself if my realism is being tinted rose. I don't know and I guess you can't know until your baby arrives and there's no way back.Ever. But I don't want it to be a 'too late your stuck with it' situation. Is there healing we both need to do before we create another? Do wounded people make faulted parents?
There are parts of me that believe my failure to concieve so far is serving as a wakeup call a reflective moment in my life. There are more parts that see it as a punishment for a crime I didn't commit or can't remember. Is conception a scientific equasion or a blessing from God. And how does he decide who and when they should be blessed? Is it right that the girl who has had 12 abortions was able to concieve after 5 only to kill another 7? Is it right that a incestuous peodiphillic beast is able to have seven children with his daughter? how is it fair that these people are 'blessed' with children and my fiance and I are not? Are we undesearving or are we being given time to fix ourselves? Who ever heals and forgets completely pains from the past….whether the one they love inflicted them or not? I see no sense in this failed plight. I see no sense in the fact it ever sailed. I will never know when the time is right. I will never know when I am healed. I will never know if i can or cannot concieve. I will never be decided in whether he will turn out to be that great Father-Husband. I will never know if I will be that great Mother-Wife. Not until it happens and since we have waited a year….there is no more pain in waiting some more.