I wrote this late one night, based on a combination of what I was feeling and what a friend of mine was going through. Have any of you ever felt this way?
“What am I? Just a body, moving from hour to hour, day to day, as life swims around me. A breath exhaled then gone forever. A flower? Maybe. But I’m ever-wilting. Lost without direction. A wave tossed on the sea. Nothing more. Nothing less. I am but one, invisible speck in this vast universe. I am only me.
Am I worth anything? Maybe. To some. But once I give them what they want, where are they? They’re all gone.
Am I beautiful? Maybe. To some. But beauty can become a curse. I attract those I do not want. To have someone force themselves on you against your will… Nothing could be worse.
Am I smart? Maybe. To some. But I know from my past mistakes that I am in no way wise. I can fool others, but I see myself through my own eyes.
Am I OK? Maybe. Many people believe so. I have become an expert actress. Genuine-looking smiles to disguise the pain. I wear masks flawlessly. Laughing to hold the tears at bay.
What am I? I don’t think I know anymore. I feel the need to cry, to scream, to run. I crave love in a way that I never have before.
What will I do? Haha. I don’t really know. Probably the same thing I always do. Take all these emotions, lock them inside my heart, and swear to never let them show.”
OK. So I found out I’m pregnant a week ago, 9 weeks approximately (I’m still yet to have my ultrasound to confirm how far along I am). My boyfriend is 100 percent supportive. but his parents most definitely aren’t. Let’s call his parents B for the mum and C for the dad (I’d rather not mention names).
In my boyfriend’s family, there’s been a history of teenage pregnancies. My boyfriend’s mother had her first child at 18, his sister at 16, and his brother’s girlfriend at 15. Might I add his brother’s girlfriend is the devil’s daughter and treats B & C like crap! Yells and screams at them, refuses to let them anywhere near where she’s living (which is a house that they own), only ever talks to them if she needs money, never lets them see their granddaughter, steals, accuses, and never shuts up about absolute nonsense! Oh yeah, and she’s 3 months younger than I am (so she’s seventeen now ) and pregnant again- Yet she gets full support and a congratulations, this, that, whatever. And I get the dreaded abortion speech simply because I’m *too young*
COME ON! What is it about me that makes them think I’m incapable of looking after a child?!?!? I babysit their one-year-old daughter on a regular basis, and I know that’s not like having my own child, but it still means they trust me with children! They don’t even trust the devil’s daughter when she has a daughter one week older than theirs, and how can THEY accuse me of being too young when I’ll be having my child when I’m 18 and that’s the same age B had her first child….?
Hypocrites….. I’m so angry and stressed and annoyed and frustrated and just downright upset at their behavior. And the worst part is, if I don’t agree to terminate my child ( and I definitely won’t be agreeing), then my boyfriend and I get booted to the streets. They claim that they’re 100 percent against abortion – So why are they suggesting it?!
It’s ridiculous! and I have absolutely no idea how to cope with it without biting their heads off.
So annoyed.
The Diary of an Unborn Child
September 19:
Today my life began. My parents do not know it yet, but it is I already. And I am to be a girl. I shall have red hair and green eyes. Just about everything is settled though, even the fact that I shall love flowers.
October 3:
Some say that I am not a real person yet, that only my mother exists. But I am a real person, just as a small crumb of bread is yet truly bread. My mother is. And I am.
October 7:
My mouth is just beginning to open now. Just think, in a year or so I shall be laughing and later talking. I know what my first word will be: MAMA.
October 9:
My heart began to beat today all by itself. From now on it shall gently beat for the rest of my life without ever stopping to rest! And after many years it will tire. It will stop, and then I shall die.
October 17:
I am growing a bit every day. My arms and legs are beginning to take shape. But I have to wait a long time yet before those little legs will raise me to my mother’s arms, before those little arms will be able to gather flowers and embrace my father.
October 27:
Tiny fingers are beginning to form on my hands. Funny how small they are! I’ll be able to stroke my mother’s hair with them.
November 4:
It wasn’t until today that the doctor told mom that I am living here under her heart. Oh, how happy she must be! Are you happy, mom?
November 9:
My mom and dad are probably thinking about a name for me. But they don’t even know that I am a little girl. I want to be called Jessie. I am getting so big already.
November 24:
My hair is growing. It is smooth and bright and shiny. I wonder what kind of hair mom has?
November 27:
I am just about able to see. It is dark around me. When mom brings me into the World it will be full of sunshine and flowers. But what I want more than anything is to see my mom. How do you look, mom!
December 8:
I wonder if mom hears the whispering of my heart? Some children come into the World a little sick. But my heart is strong and healthy. It beats so evenly: tup-tup, tup-tup. You’ll have a healthy little daughter, mom!
December 12:
Today my mother killed me.
I am so confused to the point that I don’t know what is my next turn. I am twenty years old with no college education and I’m expecting my second child. I don’t know what my next move will be knowing that my child will be 15 months old when I have this baby.
Life has never been easy for me. Growing up in a family that was destined to fall apart.
Last September, I found out I was eight weeks pregnant. I knew I wouldn’t, nor could, give up the baby. I had to think fast. Telling my boyfriend was the easy part. Telling my daddy was the part that made me wanna throw up just thinking about it. When it came time where I had to tell him, I had my aunt and boyfriend come with me. When I finally gathered up enough nerve to tell him, he actually took it well. I mean, of course, he was disappointed, but he saw it as, “Well it’s done… What can I do about it?”
As the pregnancy progressed, things got better. People started accepting the fact that I was gonna have a baby. I think it might have even made my life better, believe it or not. Now I have a beautiful daughter, Kylie Renee, that reminds me everyday what I have to live for.
I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that being a teen mom is a walk in the park because I would be lying… But it does give you a reason to smile everyday. Holding in your arms a little part of you that no one can take away from you (Except DHR, but you gotta give them reason to).
So the reason for posting this is because I wanna hear how it was and is for other teen moms.
Wow Am I Scared.
What am I going to do? This week determines it. So far no period…
AHHHHH I’m going crazy
