Wrong Guy Who Broke My Heart

I am going to be open, no matter how many tears I shed.  This is still very painful for me.  The guy who broke my heart the whole story begins in December 2013 when I was transferred to New Orleans.  I met a man named Nate.  I was 19 years old and Nate’s roommate was my sponsor.  I showed up right before Holiday Routine started (time off for Christmas) and my sponsor went home on leave.  Nate took me under his wing and became my mentor.  He was in my duty section so whenever he had the overnight, he would teach me things.  The different tools, the parts of the engine, general aircraft stuff, etc.

We had duty Christmas Eve and since I had no plans and didn’t really have any friends yet, Nate gave me directions to his house and his number and said that I was welcome to join him if I got bored.

I spent Christmas morning on the phone with my family opening presents on the phone and then went to bed and cried myself to sleep because it was the first time I was really far away from my family and I missed them.  Must have been because I was working the year before that I didn’t really have time to miss them.  Anyway, I ended up sleeping until early evening.  I decided to take Nate up on his offer and gave him a call.  I got myself dressed and went over to his house.

He was so nice to me.  We just hung out and talked for hours.  Next thing I know, he’s offering me a back massage.  After a few awkward minutes, I felt him kiss my neck.  We ended up making out for awhile and then I finally decided it was time to go home.  Our secret relationship started then.  Because he was my mentor and the person I worked with constantly, it was a HUGE no-no that we were dating.  Well, dating isn’t the right word since we couldn’t really go out on dates.  We were seeing each other.

Over the next several months, it got more and more serious.  I was spending a lot of time at his house and even spending the night on weekends.  Both of his roommates worked with us and knew we were seeing each other and didn’t say anything to anyone.  Eventually we decided that we were together and he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend.  I don’t think I’ve mentioned this yet but he is 12 years older than me.

I ended up spending all my free time at his house.  I barely saw the few friends that I did have.  Instead of encouraging me to spend time with them when he had to work and I didn’t, he made me feel horrible about not being home when he called (cell service sucked where I lived).

6 months have gone by and it was almost his birthday.  He was going out with some friends to this club and was going to be out until after the sun came up.  I was a little disappointed that he didn’t want to see me on his birthday but I wanted him to have fun.  I asked him if he needed a ride and he said that he’d take a cab so he wouldn’t have to wake me.  On the night of his birthday, I was at home alone and a few of the guys from work asked if I wanted to go to Bourbon Street with them.  Since I had nothing to do and no reason to wait around by the phone, I said sure.  I figured I would be home in a few hours and that way if Nate did need a ride then I could get him.

I left my cell in my car because the jeans I wore didn’t have any pockets.  When I started to head home around 3 or 4 am, I had several missed calls and some messages…all from Nate.  The first couple of messages were along the lines of “You must be sleeping.  You’re so cute when you’re sleeping.” to “Where the f**k are you?  Why aren’t you answering your phone?”

I called him back and he ignored my calls.  I left him a message telling him that I was on my way home and that I figured he would have been out for a few more hours and that I could come over if he wanted.  He finally called me when I was halfway to his house and he was angry.  He told me to go home.  I think I had just about pulled into my parking spot when he called me back and said that I could come over if I wanted.  Since I was so completely blinded by the rose colored glasses I was wearing I drove to his house…30 minutes away.

We had a huge argument when I got there but he ended up cooling off and we ended up having birthday/make up sex.  The next 6 weeks were crazy.  Work had me super stressed out, I was constantly doing things and just so hectic that I hadn’t realized that “Aunt Flow” hadn’t been to visit in a long time.  I had taken a pregnancy test when I thought I had missed my period but it came back negative.  I tested too early.  Several weeks later, I figured that the stress was just so high that I missed my period (which happened at boot camp).  I ended up getting a 2-pack pregnancy test.  I went back home and took a nap.  Figuring I had nothing to worry about, I just waited.

I woke up and took the first test.  Since my roommate wasn’t home, I left it on the counter and went outside to smoke.  After more than 5 minutes, I went back inside and found a positive pregnancy test.  I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me so I did exactly what the instructions tell you not to do…I chugged a ton of water in order to make myself have to go again and took the second test.  I went back outside and chain smoked like 5 cigarettes while waiting those incredibly long 5 minutes.  When I saw another positive test, I ran next door and asked my friend to come take a look at something.  “I think I’m loosing my mind, Jess*.”  I pointed her towards the bathroom were the test was visible and she came back and told me I wasn’t loosing my mind.

I freaked out.  I wigged out.  I bawled my eyes out.  The first thought that came to my mind was that I couldn’t keep it.  I was barely 20 years old.  I didn’t have a handle on my life…how could I bring in a baby into my world being ciaos?  I fought an battle in my head: Tell Nate/Don’t tell Nate.  I told him.  He was surprisingly calm.  It made me feel better briefly.  Within a matter of 24 hours, he filled my head with all these horrible things that could happen if I kept the baby and pretty much told me that the only option was to get an abortion.

I always thought that abortion was irresponsible.  I thought that if you’re adult enough to have sex then you’re adult enough to deal with the consequences if you do not use protection.  I always told myself that if I made the wrong choice and ended up getting pregnant then I would deal with it because I could have prevented it.  However, that being said, I am pro choice.  I know with what I just said, that doesn’t make sense but this is the other half of my view.

After I grasped the concept that I was pregnant and there was a baby starting to form inside me, I was having a change of heart.  I really didn’t want to go through with the abortion but I was convinced that I had no choice.  Nate said that he would pay for everything so he went with me to the first appointment I had at a clinic (on a side note, this act never made it into my military medical record).  I was fighting back tears the entire time.  He said that if they see me upset or crying then they won’t do it.  I thought about just crying but ended up holding it in.

They did an ultrasound, which I wasn’t allowed to see, and printed out a picture for my file.  They told me I was about 7 weeks along.  They scheduled me to come back the following week and start the process.  I went to work and said that I needed to have the majority of the following week off due to personal reasons and when asked why I said that I was not comfortable talking about it.  I got the time off and went in the next week.  I had to take a pill orally and then within 24 hours I had to insert 3 pills.  The doctor said that if I don’t normally cramp then I might have some slight discomfort.  Boy that was an understatement!

When I inserted the pills the next day, I was doubled over in horrible pain in the 2 seconds it took me to get the 5 feet from the bathroom to the couch.  It was the most horrible pain I have ever experienced in my entire life.  There was not a single position I could sit or lay in that eased the pain at all.  I cried all night.  I finally managed to fall asleep for an hour or so and did not fall asleep on a towel and ended up bleeding everywhere.  It was like a living, breathing nightmare.  Even experiencing it, I still can’t imagine the pain I was in.  I suppose that is a good thing.

I was pretty much confined to Nate’s house for 5 days.  By the time the weekend came, the cramps were almost completely gone and it was almost like a very heavy period.  I needed to get out of the house and do something small like go for a walk or something just to get my energy back up before I started work again.  I wanted to go for a walk by the lake and Nate got angry.  He said that unless I planned on getting up before 7am and walking before the sun really came up, then I would have to go alone because it would get too hot…it was the end of August.  I started to cry.  I told him after what I had just went through for him, I expected him to help me through this.  Needless to say, I didn’t get my walk by the lake and managed to get my energy back on my own.

August 24th, 2004 is the date that I lost my baby because I allowed a man to prey on my youth and innocence.  I had a dream a few days after.  I was in a cemetery and I was holding my little girl’s hand over a headstone.  She was beautiful.  She had brownish red hair in soft bouncy curls that felt so real.  She had bright green eyes that could light up any room.  She had rosy cheeks and ruby red lips.  She smelled like baby powder and her skin was just so soft.  I touched her hair to my face and held onto her hand.  I told her that it was time for her to go to sleep.  I felt her kiss my cheek and I laid her down in the casket beneath the headstone that read “Adriene”.  I looked at her and said “Mommy will always love you and I will miss you always.  Please be a brave girl for Mommy and close your eyes.  Goodnight my little girl.  I love you!”  Then I woke up.

Our relationship changed drastically.  I wanted to cry all the time and most of all when I saw Nate.  It was a constant reminder of what I had lost because of him.  About 3 months later, he came to visit me while I was at tech school.  I rented a cabin for us on base by the water and one night, close to Thanksgiving or just after, we were wrestling around the living room and he pinned me down.  He put his knees on my arms so I couldn’t move my hands.  He covered my mouth with his hand and then used his finger and thumb to cut off my oxygen completely.  I tried to laugh through it but when I needed to take a breath and he wouldn’t let go, I couldn’t scream or remove his hand and I started to freak out.  He finally let me go and I choked in air.  Want to know his response to how I reacted?  “If you trusted me, you wouldn’t have run out of air so fast.  You have trust issues.”  Ya think?  He cut off my oxygen supply yet I have trust issues…

The next month he broke up with me.  I begged him not to and then I got angry and I threw it in his face that after what he made me do that summer, he was going to break up with me?  What else could he do to me?  He had already ripped my heart of out my chest and shattered it into a million pieces.  This was just the icing on the cake.

I returned 4 months later and had to work with him every day.  It was hard to ignore what he had put me through.  The next summer, I had started dating my husband.  I was at work one afternoon and needed help with something I had never done before.  I had moved on to a point and was able to work with Nate again.  I asked for his help and he said his piece and when I told him I was so confused because that was the 3rd person I had asked for help and had gotten 3 different answers.  He got mad at me and started to yell.  Not realizing that everyone in the vicinity was watching us, I looked at him and in a stern voice I told him ” I have done NOTHING to piss you off and you will not talk to me that way.  Take a break.  Go outside and smoke a couple of cigarettes and when you’ve calmed down, then come back and talk to me.”  The look on the faces of everyone around me was a mix of I can’t believe she just said that to him and I can’t believe he is listening to her and just walked away!  They had no idea of the power I had over him.

When he did calm down, he came back and apologized to me.  I never saw his next comment coming.  He looked at me and told me that he wished we hadn’t gone through with what we did the summer before.  I looked up at him with a blank stare.  I had a mixture of all sorts of emotions just come to the surface.  I was just starting to heal from the horrible experience that he forced me into and was finally starting to allow myself to be happy again and he says what?!  I wanted to cry, punch, hug, kick, and kiss him all at the same time.  Then it was my turn to walk away.

This has been incredibly hard for me to write about.  I do feel a little better.  I think this is the first time I have actually gotten everything written down.  Here I am, over 6 years later, still haunted by what he did to me.  He took advantage of me.  Not a day goes by that I don’t feel the urge to spit in his face or kick him between the legs should I ever see him again.  I see my little girl’s face and her eyes every time I blink.  I know that I was only 8 weeks and 2 days along and there is no way of knowing the sex but I know in my heart that my little girl should be turning 6 this March.  She should be in kindergarten this year.  I wonder every day what my life would have been like if I would have lied to Nate and told him that the baby was not his and just raised her as a single mother.

Dear Baby – A Letter To My Daughter!

Dear Baby,

It was about 5 months ago when you came into my life. It was unexpected, but was the happiest moment of my life. I wondered what would come of it and how I would manage, but with your father by my side, I knew everything would be alright. Every day, I woke up and rubbed my belly and said “I love you”. I know you were not able to hear me physically or feel me touch you, but I feel deep down inside, that you knew I was saying it to you. It has been a long journey and a hard one, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Having you with me every day reminds me that there is someone now to live for every day of my life. Someone I know on a more personal base.

As the days got colder and the nights got longer, changes started occurring inside of me. Flutters of joy I started to feel in my stomach. It was you! I could feel you. For the first time in my life, I felt a joy I had never felt before. So amazing, yet so surreal – even though I knew it was you. I have had my tough times with being sick and having weight loss, but I once again can say this to you honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. No matter what happens to me, you will always be my little one. You will always be my angel, my baby.

I think about you every day and who you will look like. Will you look like mommy, or will you look more like daddy? Or maybe you’ll look like one of your aunts! Who knows!?! All I know is that you’ll be you and that you’ll be mine. I may be young and I know that, but I promise this to you right now. I promise to take care of you, no matter how hard times get. No matter how scared I may end up feeling, you are my pride and joy and I will protect you in all ways that I can. I love you unconditionally and always will.

When you grow up and become a beautiful young lady, I hope you will come to me. When you get your heart broken, I want you to know that my shoulder is here for you to cry on and my heart and ears are here to listen. If you’re having trouble at school, please…Don’t hide from me. I want to help you get through it all. If you do something you aren’t proud of, I hope you can come to me and ask for help. That’s what I am here for. I am here for you.

Your father, well, he’s a funny one. He’s a good-hearted man and he loves you so much as well. He and I might argue at times, but we don’t mean to hurt you. I know that right now, you may not understand much, but one day you’ll know the tough, yet rewarding aspects of a relationship and how much love and joy can come of it. I promise you though, he and I are doing the best we can for you. Our love for each other is as strong as our love for you. And we wouldn’t have it any other way. The day we see your face here on earth will be the start of a brand new life for us all.

Do you want to know what I’m most excited for? I’m excited to bring you home and have you all to myself. To wake up with you when you’re crying and to enjoy your laughter as you enjoy mine. To watch you sleep in the comfort and safety of my arms. To look at you and know you are a gift from God. He gave you to me and your dad. If it wasn’t for Him, you wouldn’t exist. You wouldn’t be coming into our lives and enhancing our entire being if it weren’t for Him.

Another thing I have to tell you now, is that you have lots of friends and family already, who love you and can’t wait to meet you. They are just as excited as mommy and daddy are. When I hear them talk about you and hear them say how much they can’t wait to see you, it warms my heart and makes me want to cry, knowing I can’t see you yet. But don’t worry, they are not tears of sadness, but tears of joy, knowing that you are safely tucked inside me, waiting until your time is here.

I hope you like us. We are goofy, yet loving. We have good and bad days, but are always full of love and forgiveness. One day, you’ll understand what I’m saying. I’m sure there’ll be a day when you are embarrassed to walk around the mall with us, because of how weird we are. But we love you anyways!

I’m letting you know now , that in the future, you will make mistakes. And we will not be happy with them, but we will never stop loving you. We might discipline you, but we will never discipline out of anger. I hope you will see that later on in life. We care for you already and will care so much more when we are able to help you and protect you and keep you safe. To see you get ready for prom in your senior year and graduate from high school. I can’t wait for that day! I never got that experience, because of my own wrong decisions, but I hope that you are smarter then I was and can enjoy it! Of course, expect me to be in tears while taking hundreds of pictures of you before you leave!

When you’re scared to go off to college, if that be what you decide, always remember you have a home to come back to when you need it. Your father and I will not judge your decisions, but help you make smart ones. We also will make mistakes while you’re growing up and some may end up hurting you, so right now I am apologizing to you. We don’t mean to and I promise that we’ll try hard not to do it, but if it does…I am sorry. I hope you can forgive us. We love you.

There are still four months before I get to see you physically, but I have decided to write this for you now. I felt in my heart I had to, for some unknown reason. But this is for you. Every word is truthful and honest. And as I type this out for you, I can feel you move and it makes me smile. It keeps me wondering for sure, who you are and what you’ll be like. And I couldn’t be happier to have it kept a secret for 9 whole months. Gives me something spectacular to look forward to! Well, I’m not sure of what else I can say, other then your daddy and I love you unconditionally.

Can’t wait to meet you, Baby. You are the absolute best thing that has happened to your Father and I.

We love you darling .

Love Mommy <3

Salem’s proposal. Please comment!

I was walking with Salem down the road that leads by St. Basil’s Basilica. (My bad, I always thought it was St. Petersburg. I fail.).

The night was clear, the stars twinkling, and the only people around were us. Suddenly, Salem turns to me and says “I’ve been thinking. It’s easy to think about love and to talk about it, but most people have difficulty recognizing love.”. He gently grabs my hands and says “Even when they hold it in their hands. I don’t have that problem, and lately I have been thinking about who I truly love in my life.” I reply  “What are you saying?”  He says “You are the person I love” He drops to one knee, pulls out a ring, and says “Will you marry me?” I just stood there for a second, my eyes wide. This caught me completely off guard.

“Yes!” I replied joyously.

Unexpected baby a change in life!

So I am 15 years old today, but in a few days, I’ll be 16!

I am 4.5 months pregnant. I found out when I was 7 weeks along. Me and my boyfriend have been on and off for 9 months! He is 19 and has a 2.5-year-old son. He has a lot of issues with his baby momma and his family. For him, I was his resting place, the only peace he had in his life. I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant. I didn’t want to make things any harder for him! I wanted to help him out with his son and his life. For the first 4 months of our relationship, I was on birth control. Then my insurance got taken off so I had to stop birth control. For a month, we were using the “pulling out” method and it worked for a whole month. Then we had an issue with me thinking he was cheating and we broke up for a month. With Me not knowing that soon I was going to find out I was pregnant.

A month later, I was a week late which was very rare to me. Never in my mind did it cross that I was pregnant. I was learning how to be on my own without him, actually getting over him when I took that CVS pregnancy test and it said positive! I can’t put into words how I felt. I didn’t know if I was going to cry or to laugh or to scream. I was just left without emotions whatsoever. I called him right away. I remember hearing his voice felt like peace, but soon I remembered what I had to tell him.  When he found out, he came asap and took me to get another pregnancy test at a clinic, and there, it came positive too. We followed up for abortions. During the next week, I kept calling offices and offices and so expensive 350- 450- 600! Money neither him or me had. After 3 weeks, I started getting desperate! Worried, sad, knowing it was wrong what I was planning to do, I called some church friends and I made my decision to have my baby! After that, my boyfriend left me! I felt even worse. After a month he came back. He said he was gonna be there. Things started to change. We told my parents and me and him got better.

Today, I am 4.5 months pregnant. Me and him have a fair relationship. My parents are really hurt, but accept it. I am scared, but excited. I love my boyfriend with all my heart! He has changed for good. But I am scared of what the future holds.

is it bad that i secretly hope i am pregnant?…

Hi everyone, I’m 16 and currently in high school.

I’ve been with my amazing boyfriend for nearly 2 months now. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He makes me happy, makes me laugh. I smile every time I see him because he is just that amazing. 🙂 I can seriously say that I have never been so happy or in love in my life, and I don’t think I can be anymore in love. Just after New Year’s, we had unprotected sex, and have since. I’m on the pill, but I just started taking it so I don’t think it was protecting me. I’m not scared that I could be pregnant. My period is late. I feel sick, can’t stop eating, get tired a lot of the time, and have the most random mood swings. The more I think about the possibility that I could be pregnant, it scares me, but now I’m starting to feel happy. I don’t know for certain if I am or am not pregnant, and I don’t really want to because I’m scared of what my family will say and do… You see I come from this really respected family. Everyone knows us and we are looked up upon, but having an ‘underage pregnant teen’ in the family would be disgraceful to them. I don’t know what to do. Secretly, I hope that I am pregnant, but my family wouldn’t agree, and I have no idea what my boyfriend would say. I’ve not told him that I could be pregnant. I’m too scared to just now…

Basically, my head is screwed up at the thought of it all. I just need some support, someone to hug me and tell me it will all be OK, but I don’t know if it will…

Confused.. need advice

I have been with my boyfriend for three months just about and we are completely happy together.

I recently missed my period a week ago and have been getting ill in the mornings and during the day, having to use the bathroom often, and getting cravings. We were nervous at first and now we’re just excited for the results in two weeks…. But how do I tell my parents if I am? My parents are separated. My mom is a paranoid freak who likes to control everything so I’m worried she will blow it way out of proportion. My dad, on the other hand, isn’t but he is totally against teens getting knocked up… So it would be bad if it were his daughter… Will he deny me as his kid? When should I tell them?

I’m confused and scared about it. Advice please?