With every day that passed, I hoped to wake up and discover that I had started my period and that things would be alright for me. But every day that went by without it, I felt more and more terrified that maybe my initial thoughts about being pregnant were right. I was pretty scared and had just moved to a new school, so I didn’t have any real friends to talk to about it. I just couldn’t let myself know that I was pregnant because I never thought it could happen to me.
Dear Becky — I’m new to this site and have found the testimonies and stories very heartwarming, and have heard from some very amazing, strong young women here.
I’m 18 years old, and though I never gave birth to my baby, I still consider myself as having been a mommy. The chain of events that led to this story began around my birthday this past year, which happens to be around Christmastime.
The week before Christmas, I felt funny, especially since I missed my period, which never had happen to me before. I started thinking about possible explanations for this and finally settled upon the thought that maybe my eating patterns caused this delay with my period.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I held a very scary thought that maybe I could be pregnant. But I was in a deep denial, being only 17 years old, and already had a lot to deal with, just having been kicked out of my guardian’s home and living with my grandma, who previously had raised my sister and I from 9 months old until I was 14. With every day that passed, I hoped to wake up and discover that I had started my period and that things would be alright for me. But every day that went by without it, I felt more and more terrified that maybe my initial thoughts about being pregnant were right. I was pretty scared and had just moved to a new school so I didn’t have any real friends to talk to about it. I just couldn’t let myself know that I was pregnant because I never thought it could happen to me. I could never ever tell my grandma, who I consider my mom, and I would never let anyone, lese in my family know because their worst fears of me following in the exact footsteps of my parents who had my sister and I young and still in high school. I knew they would all think of me as a reckless, careless, irresponsible, lost, and corrupted naive girl, so telling anyone in my family was not an option.
During this time, I hadn’t taken any pregnancy tests, so one might think I was worrying for nothing. But sometimes, you just have these feelings, gut instincts and intuition, and I knew despite my denial, what the reality of the situation really was. After having suspicions for two weeks after my missed period, my boyfriend decided to take me to get an at-home pregnancy test, just to be sure that I wasn’t. He’s 19 years old and recently graduated culinary school and maintains a stable job at a restaurant as a chef.
Naturally, being so young and fresh out of school, he had plans and hopes and dreams of a bright future for us, saving up money so that we could afford a place of our own together some day in the future. So this missed period really did give him a scare.
We knew how young we were and how difficult it would be, but his paranoia and nervousness in combination with mine led us to seek results as soon as possible. So after returning from the pharmacy, I went to the bathroom, treading with heavy steps.
After taking the test and waiting for the results, I had this really nauseous feeling in my stomach, all the knots of anxiety and hope, fear and excitement. I held my breath as I looked at the test with the corner of my eye, dreading this little device that would determine our future and change my whole life. Part of me didn’t want to even know what color the strip would turn, I was in such a state of denial and hope that things would be OK, but I knew that ultimately I had to look. In the few seconds before I looked at the test, my heart was already confirming what I had felt weeks prior, deep inside, in the back of my mind. There were two pink lines. My mind immediately went in a frenzy. I felt dizzy and helpless, shocked and just completely surprised. I never would have imagined that something like this could happen to me.
I had to tell my boyfriend, who was waiting patiently in his bedroom, awaiting our future. I laid down next to him as his anticipating eyes met mine, and my heart was beating so fast and I felt so lightheaded that I’m surprised I made it to his room without falling as I had felt so in shock that my legs might suddenly give out from right underneath me. I had thought right then what to say to him but when I opened my mouth, my throat had locked and I felt this lump like when you try to hold in really heavy tears and sobs, and he just looked at me, waiting for me to speak. I finally brought myself to say, “You’re gonna be a daddy,” surprised at even my own announcement.
After having known him for over 4 years and dated for 2, I felt immense trust and love towards him that I knew he would support me in any decision or route I chose to take. He smiled and hugged me, holding me tight, as we lay together, just contemplating, getting used to the feelings, just trying to calm ourselves for this sudden great news.
He promised me that no matter what, he would always be here for me and that we would keep our baby, however difficult life would become. I wasn’t as afraid before now that I was sure I had someone to lean on. We knew we couldn’t do it alone so we told his parents and surprisingly they were very reassuring and supportive having been young parents themselves and been in our footsteps. We scheduled a doctor’s appointment the next day and confirmed the pregnancy. Scared but excited, I continued to what I thought would be an average day happy that things seemed like they would be OK. As of that time, I had moved in with my best friend so that I could finish my senior year at the same high school I had been attending.
I was excited to start the new semester and what a dream rooming with my best friend. But that day I started bleeding, and got really scared at what that might indicate, my first thoughts were pessimistic, but my friend and I did research and convinced ourselves that it was normal. But I felt really weird about it and we decided to see a doctor. I didn’t have insurance at the time and no job so I couldn’t even see a real doctor to help me because I couldn’t afford the costs. So my two best friends and I went to a Planned Parenthood nearby, hoping to get some answers and help.
After being admitted and having heard how nice and friendly people at these clinics were, I felt comfortable enough to fill out a sign in form. Minutes later, an attendant informed me that I would not be able to talk to anyone there because I had chosen to keep my baby and they only wanted to see people if they chose abortion. I was appalled at how coldly I was treated and how unfriendly and shrewd that woman was. So we left without having any other further business there. The mention of abortion made chills run up and down my spine.
Though I was brought up religiously, it had nothing to do with my beliefs about abortion. I just knew that I would and could never do that to my baby so abortion was definitely never even a thought or option for me at all.
After the bleeding lasted 4 days, I went to another doctor since I had money and they referred me to an ob/gyn specialist. I was scared at what they might tell me. Before going, my boyfirned and his parents had talked about the situation and had decided that it was a miscarriage. It made me mad how carelessly and quick they were to assume such a horrible thing, but in my mind, I feared they were right.
Weeks passed and after having taken a blood test, after being referred to another doctor again, I awaited results. I called the doctor and nervously awaited. Then she said that results indicated that I wasn’t pregnant anymore, and I was at least glad at the moment that she spared me from using any crude terms to describe it. I was really really sad about it that day but had kind’ve already cried it all out the week before when I convinced myself and prepared myself for the inevitable results. My friends tried to tell me that it happened for the best and that I just wasn’t ready but I never really discussed with them how happy I was and excited for my baby, a baby conceived of the love my boyfriend and I shared. We had thought about whether it would be a boy or a girl and how our baby would look, everything about everything.
It was all a pretty heartbreaking experience, and then life went on with my boyfriend and friends and his parents, no one talking about it, acting like nothing ever happened, just saying how I shouldn’t dwell on it. But every time I see someone with their baby or hear a baby cry or smile, it makes me sad to think of what ours would have been like. At only 8 1/2 weeks old, their life had already ended.
Even though my baby wasn’t very old and still small, I considered our little joy already part of the family which is why it pained me so much. I used to blame myself and wonder what I did wrong, cry out of nowhere sometimes, but I’ve come a long way now and am glad to have shared this with all the other people who suffer as well.
It hurts me to consider what a death it was, and I’m slowly getting over it learning to cope and get on with my life. One day, I will have the pleasure and excitement to experience another baby, and until then, I will enjoy every aspect of my life for what I can.
Dearest Erica,
hi, I’m Lisa and I am from the Stand Up Girl website. Thank you for your beautiful letter!
I just wanted to tell you … wow! What a beautiful heart of a mommy that you have. And also, what a wonderful Stand Up Girl you are. Though you were scared … you stood for what was right and you braved what was ahead of you. Good job Erica. It sounds like you have a wonderful Stand Up Guy too! I truly hope that one day down the road, when you two are married and the time is just right … you will have that perfect little baby to complete your family. Thank you so very much for sharing your heart with us and your story. You have such a wonderful way with words and your story, I’m sure, will touch the hearts of many girls. Who knows … perhaps it could even save a baby’s life. Thank you again for sharing your story. Let me know what you think.
Take care.
Luv Lisa
Okay, so you’ve probably seen this before but, hey, why not be reminded again this Valentine’s Day of the power and hope an innocent hug can convey. I guess it says that you don’t have to give yourself away, totally, physically, to be touched by the most basic human affection, solidarity, and love. It’s right there in a simple human gesture. The free hugs begun by Juan Mann (a pseudonym) reminds us that we are not alone. We share in one another’s tears and joys because we share a common humanity. Children seem to know this already and we, we may need to re-learn this simple message.
Here is Juan Mann’s account of how it all started.
I’d been living in London when my world turned upside down and I’d had to come home. By the time my plane landed back in Sydney, all I had left was a carry-on bag full of clothes and a world of troubles. No one to welcome me back, no place to call home. I was a tourist in my hometown. Standing there in the arrivals terminal, watching other passengers meeting their waiting friends and family, with open arms and smiling faces, hugging, and laughing together, I wanted someone out there to be waiting for me. To be happy to see me. To smile at me. To hug me. So I got some cardboard and a marker and made a sign. I found the busiest pedestrian intersection in the city and held that sign aloft, with the words “Free Hugs” on both sides.
And for 15 minutes, people just stared right through me. The first person who stopped, tapped me on the shoulder and told me how her dog had just died that morning. How that morning had been the one-year anniversary of her only daughter dying in a car accident. How what she needed now, when she felt most alone in the world, was a hug. I got down on one knee, we put our arms around each other, and when we parted, she was smiling.
Everyone has problems and for sure mine haven’t compared. But to see someone who was once frowning, smile, even for a moment, is worth it every time.
Save
Dear Becky,
I found out I was pregnant when I was 17. I was a Senior in high school. When I first found out, I was with some friends and my boyfriend. We had been together already for three years. Anyway, when I found out, I thought my world was over. I sat and cried on my best friend’s shoulder for about an hour.
I didn’t know what I was going to do or how I was going to tell my parents. My boyfriend and I talked and decided that we would let it sink in before we told them. We decided three days should be enough time to make some plans.
There was never an other option for us but to go through with the pregnancy. I thought I would talk to one of my teachers about it, just to get an idea of how to word it for my parents. I really wanted to make us look as responsible as possible under the circumstances. I mean, I was on the pill and took it religiously. So, I went to her one day and told her what was going on. She was my theater teacher.
I have always wanted to pursue acting as a career and she knew that. She encouraged it. When I told her that I was pregnant, however, she said that I had other options that I should consider and that if I kept it, I would ruin my chances for an acting career and that I wouldn’t be socially accepted at that school.
I know I shouldn’t have been so angry, seeing that I was the one to approach her, but I guess I was looking for more support for my decision. Needless to say, I kept my baby and I stayed at that school. I was still able to participate in plays at school and was even able to be on stage while I was pregnant! I was completely accepted at that school. A few cheerleaders scoffed whenever I walked by, but I really didn’t care. I was fortunate enough to have great friends and a completely supportive family.
My boyfriend is now my husband and joined the military so that we could have what we needed. We have been together for seven years and I just had my second child and am attending the local college for my film degree. I just want every girl out there that finds herself pregnant not to listen to the people who tell you that you won’t be able to follow your dreams because you are having a baby. That is the biggest pile of crap you could ever hear. The only thing that will stop you is yourself. Just have faith in yourself. Be strong and never lose sight of what you want. It does take work, but it isn’t impossible.
Rosie
Hi Rosie, My name is April and I help Becky answer emails.
Thank you so much for emailing your story. I loved reading it. It was so inspiring. I am really proud of you. Way to be a Stand Up Girl! I am so glad that you did not give in to your theatre teacher. Can you imagine how your life would be now if you had taken her advice? You have a lot of reason to be proud of yourself.
It is wonderful to hear that you are so successful as a mother and a student. In the face of adversity, you have risen to the occasion and succeeded. Your children are lucky to have a mother like you.
Love,
April
When I first got the clinic, they did the ultrasound and I found out I was 7 1/2 weeks pregnant. The ultrasound screen wasn’t facing me, but I looked at it as soon as I got up off the chair and I shouldn’t have done that. I was looking at my unborn child.
Hi Lisa —
I’m 19 years old and I just got an abortion this past Saturday. I have been dying inside these past couple of days, not knowing how to handle myself through all of this. I found the Stand Up Girl website and read a lot of the stories. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone on how I’m feeling. I actually emailed one of the girls that posted her story online and we have been talking for a couple days about our past experiences. I feel better talking to people about my story so if you wouldn’t mind, I’m going to explain mine.
I had been talking to this boy for about 8 months, since the summer. He is my best friend’s step-brother so I had known him and his family for a while but after all of this, it just tore things apart. I found out I was pregnant in the middle of January, and knew that I had conceived the baby in December because that was the last time I had slept with him. My heart dropped when I found out, I didn’t know whether to be happy or sad or what. Feelings just ran through out my body. When I told him I was pregnant, he was happy and he was making all these plans for it and everything and so I got happy, but then every day he changed his mind. He told me his final decision was to get the abortion because we didn’t love each other and weren’t ready for a kid.
I was always against abortion. I didn’t hate people who got one because I understand the circumstances, but I just never wanted to get one. I didn’t tell any of my family unless I was going to keep the child because I didn’t know how my mom would react to me killing her grandchild. I really wish I would have found this website sooner because reading all those stories broke my heart. I never imagined that i would feel like this. I knew I was going to be upset but to regret it this badly never crossed my mind. Girls honestly think that getting an abortion is an easy way out, but it’s not at all. When I was at the clinic waiting to get my abortion i knew i did not want to do it, but my baby’s father left me no choice. He was making my life a living hell and the only thing that ran through my mind was just do this so he can be out of my life forever.
When I first got the clinic, they did the ultrasound and I found out I was 7 1/2 weeks pregnant. The ultrasound screen wasn’t facing me but I looked at it as soon as I got up off the chair and I shouldn’t have done that. I was looking at my unborn child. That little piece of joy that was in my stomach. I walked out of the room with tears in my eyes. They told us that the doctor was an hour away and they didn’t know when he would be coming there to perform the abortions. Thoughts ran through my mind. Should I leave? Is this a sign from God telling not to do this? I stayed there even though those thoughts ran through my mind of not wanting to do this. I got the call that it was my turn. I walked up the stairs and laid on the table scared as anything. The doctor came in rubbed my arm and said are you sure you want to do this. I answered yes and looking back at it, I should have said no and ran out of the room. He sedated me with the drugs so I couldn’t feel the pain, but I still felt it. I felt the pulling on my stomach and I began to cry. I knew my baby had just been pulled out of me and there was nothing i could do. I walked out of the room crying and cried the whole way home.
The day I had the abortion, I woke up that night crying because of my dream. I dreamed I had the baby and she was so beautiful. I remember it so perfectly, holding her in my hands, looking at her beautiful face. The dream felt so real and I started crying when I finally realized it was just a dream. I know that I just went through the abortion and it’s normal to have feelings like this, but I can’t take crying so much. I don’t wanna go out or finish going to school. I just want to lay in bed all day and do nothing. I’m not motivated to do anything at all. I have to go back for my checkup in 2 weeks to make sure everything is okay. I wish to myself every night that maybe just maybe the abortion wasn’t performed fully and there still is a baby in me. I would give anything in this world to take back what I did on Saturday and I just don’t know how I’m going to deal with this for the rest of my life.
I really wish I would have found this website sooner to see the girls stories on their experiences with abortion and the stories of the girls who wanted the abortion, but didn’t get them. The website truly is a great thing and it makes girls realize that they are not the only ones out there that feel like this. If you can email me back with anything, advice or support groups or something, I would really appreciate the help during this difficult time.
Thanks again for listening to my story!
Amanda
Dearest Amanda –
Hi. When I read your e-mail, I felt like my heart was one with yours. I felt your pain as you expressed your motherly heart and the aching pain you are in right now. I know it only too well. Somehow – for some reason, the only people that ‘really understand’ the pain of abortion is one that has been through one. It’s almost like watching child birth. We, as women, think, “Ohh, wow! That does look very painful!” We may know about our monthly cycle discomfort and have that to compare it to. But only one that has given birth truly knows the agony of birth … then the joy that comes afterwards. We are told about it … yet we can only imagine.
The difficult thing about abortion is … you have to go through it to truly understand the brokenness that you experience … and then on top of that, it is NOT talked about in opened circles. So then you and I are left alone, holding the broken pieces of our life and our heart. Yearning for that baby that we will never get to hold. The father of the baby has it easy … for now. But his hurt comes later. That’s not something you need to be concerned about. Let’s concentrate on your heart, your loss, and your healing. OK? You have a safe environment to share your heart, Amanda. I know your pain… but I will tell you that I also know healing, freedom and forgiveness.
Trust me, I’ve tried many things to escape my pain. I tried drugs, alcohol, partying, relationships, promiscuity, bar hopping, dancing. I even tried Hollywood! Nothing took away that pain. Nothing took away that empty, painful spot deep within me. It only pushed it deeper because there wasn’t anyone to talk to. No one to share with that understood me. Then I met someone who knew everything that I did and still loved me.
As you may have read in my story (if you read it before or are saving it until later), I met Jesus Christ. Not religion. No, not religion, but a relationship with the Almighty creator of the universe and the One and only One that knew my brokenness inside. Who knew the hurting that I had and cared enough to want to help me make it better and to heal. All it took was a belief in Him, and that He was God in the flesh who was born of a virgin, lived a sinless life here on earth and died on the cross for my sins. That means that He has risen and is alive today. That’s all it took to begin my healing process. I said a prayer of acceptance. Asking Him into my heart and then He moved into my heart and changed my life. Now I’m not talking about some metaphysical changes or something like that. I’m just talking about the living God taking residence inside of me and making my life worth living! Then, this cancer of pain that I had inside of me, He began to work His miraculous surgery on my heart and cut out that pain. Then He replaced it in my heart with a joy unspeakable.
You know, the pain of abortion is like a cancer. It doesn’t go away, and on some days, I had good days and others were excruciatingly painful. Nothing I tried would mask the pain. Then when He cut out the pain with His love and His tender forgiveness, I began to heal. He showed me a road of healing and He brought women into my life that knew exactly what I was going through and we shared the healing experience together through a book called ‘Forgiven and Set Free’ written by Linda Cochran. It is the most amazing tool of healing that I have ever experienced. It is the pain of the surgery, but you then begin to heal.
The first step though Amanda, is accepting the free gift that God has to offer. The saving love of Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. Amanda, I don’t share this with everyone on the site. Just those girls that I feel a special bond with. Those girls that I feel are just like me. Would you like me to share the prayer with you that I said when I accepted Jesus into my heart? It’s kind of simple, but I’ll share it with you. You wanna say it with me?
Here let’s try it together: “Dear Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross for my sins and then rising again from the dead. I ask you today, please be my Lord, be my Savior and be my Friend. I thank you Jesus that every one of my sins are forgiven. Help me now to heal. I thank you that I am now a child of God and that I am going to heaven. It is in Jesus¡¦ name I pray this, Amen.”
Woo hoo! If you said that prayer, then congratulations. You are now a child of God! If you were not able to say that prayer, that’s OK. Maybe save this e-mail until later in case you’d like to look at it or say it later. In the meantime, I would love to encourage you to locate the book “Forgiven and Set Free” written by Linda Cochran on our site. It will take you to Amazon . com so you don’t have to search everywhere for it. Here is a link to it: But also, I will copy 2 links to see if you can locate a nearby post abortion group. Please let me know if you locate anything or if you said that prayer or if you have any questions, please contact me. I’m only a keystroke away. Thank you for your e-mail.
Now here are the 2 sites I told you about. Let’s check this one first; www.AbortionRecovery.org If not that one, then try this one: www.OptionLine.org Thank you again for your e-mail. Please let me know how you are.
Luv Lisa |
We spent a lot of time together that month. It was as if I was getting my “attention fix” the way a junkie would from a line of cocaine. I soaked up all the attention he was willing to give and enjoyed every moment of it.
The end of this shallow relationship, however, was inevitable. When it came, I did my best not to feel the sting of rejection. I finished out the semester’s classes and exams, but only with the help of my friend, Captain Morgan. Together we made it through just fine.
We spent a lot of time together that month. It was as if I was getting my “attention fix” the way a junkie would from a line of cocaine. I soaked up all the attention he was willing to give and enjoyed every moment of it.
The end of this shallow relationship, however, was inevitable. When it came, I did my best not to feel the sting of rejection. I finished out the semester’s classes and exams, but only with the help of my friend, Captain Morgan. Together, we made it through just fine.
After her finals, my friend came to my apartment to spend the weekend with me. The day before she arrived, I woke up feeling extremely nauseated. I had been out drinking the night before and assumed that a nasty hangover was to blame. As the day progressed, I continued to feel worse. A nagging thought in the back of my mind began to surface: Am I pregnant? I looked at the calendar, trying to remember the date of my last period. I began to panic when I realized that it had been more than a month and a half since my last cycle. Thoughts raced through my mind and fear began to envelop me. I quickly decided that the thought of an unplanned pregnancy was too much for me to handle, so I ignored the possibility and went to work as if nothing was wrong.
The next day, my friend arrived. I didn’t know how to share my predicament with her. She had always warned me about my ways with men, but she didn’t understand that I wasn’t just making bad choices; I was suffering from an addiction. Over the course of our friendship, we had shared many hurts with each other. I knew I could trust her, that I could always lean on her in a time of need. So I just poured out my dreadful situation to her. The news of my suspicions affected her deeply and we embraced. We cried together, then went to the store together to buy a pregnancy test.
On the way home, we stopped for lunch. As soon as we ordered our food, I excused myself and hurried to the ladies’ room, unable to wait any longer to know the truth. I stood in the bathroom stall and watched with complete disbelief as the little plus sign gradually appeared. Desperation consumed me. Hot tears rolled down my flushed face.
As I returned to our table, I felt as if everything was happening in slow motion. I handed my test result to my friend and muttered, “I think we have a problem.” She glanced at the plastic stick, then looked up at me. “What will you do?” she asked with deep concern. “I don’t know,” I said as a feeling I can only describe as shock came over me.
When we got into the car to leave the restaurant, I pulled out my cigarettes. My friend, a nursing student, yelled at me. “You can’t smoke now!” I replied intently, “If ever in my life I needed a cigarette, it’s right now!”
Before going to bed that evening, I closed my eyes and whispered, “Help me!” As I expressed that desperate plea for rescue, the Lord showed me something I will never forget. It began like a movie playing out in my mind, almost like a dream, though I was still awake.
The gynecologist wasn’t in that day, so his wife attended to me. She asked me a couple of questions, and then asked me to lie down on the bed. On pressing my stomach, she frowned a little and said, “You could be pregnant”. Yet until that very point, I still could not bring myself to face the truth and so I replied, “I had been doing sit-ups all these time, could it be the reason why my stomach is so hard now?” She nodded and answered, “It could be” and proceeded to squeeze some gel onto my stomach.
Then, the prediction came. She moved the ultrasound scanner over my stomach and then she said,…
Dear Becky —
On November 8th, I went to the doctor to get my infection checked. It was itching really badly, and I thought maybe that was the reason why I had missed my period for the past seven months. I stepped into the clinic that morning, and was greeted warmly by the nurse, who took down my particulars and then, I was ushered in to see the doctor.
The gynecologist wasn’t in that day, so his wife attended to me. She asked me a couple of questions, and then asked me to lie down on the bed. On pressing my stomach, she frowned a little and said, “You could be pregnant”. Yet until that very point, I still could not bring myself to face the truth and so I replied, “I had been doing sit-ups all these time, could it be the reason why my stomach is so hard now?” She nodded and answered, “It could be” and proceeded to squeeze some gel onto my stomach.
Then, the prediction came. She moved the ultrasound scanner over my stomach and then she said, “There, the baby.”
I was in shock. I couldn’t even cry. Instead, I was trembling all over.
She took some measurements and asked me if I wanted a copy of the ultrasound scan. I couldn’t even open my mouth to say ‘yes’, so, I nodded as a reply. She handed me the duplicate copy and sat me down, and asked me what I was going to do.
All I remember saying was I didn’t know… She understood, and proceeded to tell me that I needed a blood test since this had been my first check up. Since the gynaecologist was overseas, the doctor asked me if I could come in for a check up next week. I told her I had to reconfirm again since I had school. Then, she asked me again whether I was going to let my parents know. I shook my head and told her that they couldn’t know about this. She understood and told me she will let the nurse talk to me.
The nurse told me I had two choices – either keep the baby or give the baby up for adoption. I was in a daze. Then, she gave me some pre-natal vitamins and a cream to apply for my infection.
The check up was over…
I walked home, lost. A few minutes later, I called my boyfriend and broke the news. He went quiet for about a second, then he said, “Don’t worry, everything will turn out fine. I will be here for you, OK?”
That was when my tears fell. I was lucky enough to have him standing by me, supporting me. At that moment, I realize I had chosen the right guy.
I hadn’t had any pregnancy symptoms at all since I’d missed my period -except that time I spotted twice (but the spotting did not occur anywhere near my period) and I felt very tired for a couple of weeks in June (That was during the first trimester).
Other than that, I led my life as a normal girl. I was small for my size, so my stomach wasn’t very visible. I began to realize why I didn’t want to get myself tested. I didn’t want to abort the fetus in case I discovered I was really pregnant. Now that I was seven months along, abortion was naturally, out of the question.
This baby was a gift from God…
On the 18th of November, I went back to the clinic for my appointment. The nurse asked me what my choice was going to be. I told her I don’t have any other except to give the child up for adoption. She then called the lady from the adoption agency down to the clinic while I went in to do my check up. The gynecologist introduced himself to me and proceeded to do my blood test and another ultrasound scan. When I went out, the lady (let’s call her Alice) had arrived. She talked to me for a while and proceeded to tell me that everything regarding my pregnancy will be paid for and etc.
I couldn’t keep the baby. I was only 18, still schooling and not earning an income.
If only I was older…The nurse asked me to go for a more detailed scan at the hospital. I agreed. Alice then said she will bring me along to do the scan and asked me to confirm the time with her again. On the 24th of November, I went to the hospital. The scan took about half-an-hour, and at the end of it, the radiologist doing the scan for me told me that the fetal heartbeat was very strong. I was relieved. The details of the scan were made known to me the following week – I was already 32 weeks along. Everything was normal with the baby, except that the gender was still unknown. The only thing was the baby weigh merely 1.7 kg. The nurse then told me over the phone to consume more ice-cream and chocolates, to at least get the weight up to 2.0kg. So I began eating desserts like I had never before. All I want for the baby now was for it to be healthy. After all, it was the only thing I could give to the baby…
I started using the Doppler on the 10th of December. The baby’s heartbeat stayed above 130, and I was not showing any signs of contractions, which was good. Then, I ask for the re-prescription of an anti-inflammatory cream. That was when my gynecologist realized I couldn’t give birth vaginally and had to do a C-Section. This was because my varicose veins were really bad. If I give birth naturally, I will bleed heavily.
I was scared. I knew it was going to hurt. My boyfriend then comforted me and told me that it won’t be as bad as it seemed.
My next appointment was on the 24th of December. I was already 36 weeks along. The heartbeat of the baby remained strong. My gynaecologist proceeded to check the weight of my baby, which turned out to be 2.3 kg. He smiled at me and said “There, your baby is healthy.” I was so relieved. Everything went well. My parents didn’t know a thing. However, my boyfriend’s mom suspected since my stomach could be seen from some angle. We got through her by telling her I had a bad case of gastric.
I was scheduled for my C-Section on 1st of January 2007. The nurse told me I will never forget this day. She was right. Before giving birth, I thought maybe getting over this situation would be the best thing. But now, I have different thoughts about it. My baby girl was born on an early 1st January 2007 morning. She was healthy and weight 2.35 kg. When I set my eyes upon her, I fell in love with her immediately. She slept often, and seldom cried. Her hands and feet were so beautiful. When I carried her, she stirred in my arms and opened her eyes for a little moment, and then closed it again. I kissed her on her forehead and she stirred. I thought I saw her smiled at me.
I spend three days (I was discharged on the third day) in the hospital,
Recovering quicker than other cesarean patients. My stomach had return to its normal post-delivery size, and I could already walk normally.
On the day of my discharge, we went with Alice to register her birth. I parted from my baby at about 4 pm.
Now, whenever I look at the pictures I had taken of my darling, my tears just flow uncontrollably. If only I was older… I could have kept her. I could never celebrate her first month on this world with her; I could never celebrate her birthday with her. If only…
But darling, just know that mommy will always love you, and be with you in your heart. I didn’t want to let you go, except I didn’t have a choice…
I will love you always, no matter where you are…
Autumn
Dearest precious Autumn
Tears are rolling down my face right now as I read your e-mail and so wish that we could be sitting looking at each other over a hot cup of coffee or cocoa!
Autumn – you chose a choice that though, painful right now, it has a taste of distant sweetness. Your precious little baby lives today and is in the loving arms of 2 very happy, loving people. You are a Stand Up Girl that I will never forget.
You see, Autumn, I had to even take a step back before finishing this e-mail because as my lonely tears flow… I wish that my tears of loneliness could be shared with you and like yours because I wish I had chosen live and adoption like you did. Only my tears of loneliness will echo with a painful choice I made with no answer in site. Though your tears are tears of pain, there is hope and love for your daughter, Autumn!
You chose a very difficult choice – BUT – you chose so right! You chose a most loving and sweet option that, though painful, it was so good and so right.
There may even come a day that you will be able to hold your daughter and I just know that she will thank you ever so much for loving her so much that you gave her life.
I really believe that so many girls will be touched by your loving story!
Thank you so much for your e-mail.
Luv Lisa
