When i first got the clinic they did the ultra sound and i found out i was 7 1/2 weeks pregnant.  The ultra sound screen wasn’t facing me but I looked at it as soon as i got up off the chair and i shouldn’t have done that.  I was looking at my unborn child.

Hi Lisa — My names Amanda, I’m 19 years old and i just got an abortion this past Saturday.  I have been dying inside these past couple of days not knowing how to handle myself through all of this.  I found the Stand Up Girl website and read a lot of the stories.  It’s nice to know that im not alone on how i’m feeling.  I actually emailed one of the girls that posted her story online and we have been talking for a couple days about our past experiences.  I feel better talking to people about me story so if you wouldn’t mind i’m going to explain mine. I had been talking to this boy for about 8 months, since the summer.  He is my best friends step brother so i had known him and his family for a while but after all of this it just tore things apart.  I found out i was pregnant in the middle of January, and knew that i had conceived the baby in December because that was the last time i had slept with him.  My heart dropped when i found out, i didn’t know whether to be happy or sad or what.  Feelings just ran through out my body.  When i told him i was pregnant he was happy and he was making all these plans for it and everything and so i got happy, but then every day he changed his mind.  He told me his final decision was to get the abortion because we didn’t love each other and weren’t ready for a kid.  I was always against abortion, I didn’t hate people who got one because I understand the circumstances, but i just never wanted to get one.  I didn’t tell any of my family unless I was going to keep the child because i didn’t know how my mom would react to me killing her grandchild. I really wish i would have found this website sooner because reading all those stories broke my heart.  I never imagined that i would feel like this, i knew i was going to be upset but to regret it this badly never crossed my mind.  Girls honestly think that getting an abortion is an easy way out, but its not at all.  When i was at the clinic waiting to get my abortion i knew i did not want to do it, but my baby’s father left me no choice.  He was making my life a living hell and the only thing that ran through my mind was just do this so he can be out of my life forever.  When i first got the clinic they did the ultra sound and i found out i was 7 1/2 weeks pregnant.  The ultra sound screen wasn’t facing me but I looked at it as soon as i got up off the chair and i shouldn’t have done that.  I was looking at my unborn child.  That little piece of joy that was in my stomach.  I walked out of the room with tears in my eyes.  They told us that the doctor was an hour away and they didn’t know when he would be coming there to perform the abortions. Thoughts ran through my mind should i leave?  Is this a sign from god telling not to do this?  I stayed there even though those thoughts ran through my mind of not wanting to do this.  I got the call that it was my turn, i walked up the stairs and layed on the table scared as anything.  The doctor came in rubbed my arm and said are you sure you want to do this. I answered yes and looking back at it i should have said no and ran out of the room.  He sedated me with the drugs so i couldn’t feel the pain, but i still felt it.  I felt the pulling on my stomach and i began to cry.  I knew my baby had just been pulled out of me and there was nothing i could do.  I walked out of the room crying and cried the whole way home.  The day i had the abortion i woke up that night crying because of my dream.  I dreamed i had the baby and she was so beautiful. I remember it so perfectly holding her in my hands looking at her beautiful face. The dream felt so real and i started crying when I finally realized it was just a dream.  I know that i just went through the abortion and its normal to have feelings like this, but i can’t take crying so much.  I don’t wanna go out or finish going to school.  I just want to lay in bed all day and do nothing.  I’m not motivated to do anything at all.  I have to go back for my checkup in 2 weeks to make sure everything is okay.  I wish to myself every night that maybe just maybe the abortion wasn’t performed fully and there still is a baby in me.  I would give anything in this world to take back what i did on Saturday and i just don’t know how i’m going to deal with this for the rest of my life. I really wish i would have found this website sooner to see the girls stories on their experiences with abortion and the stories of the girls who wanted the abortion, but didn’t get them.  The website truly is a great thing and it makes girls realize that they are not the only ones out there that feel like this.  If you can email me back with anything, advice or support groups or something i would really appreciate the help during this difficult time. Thanks again for listening to my story! 

Amanda 

Dearest Amanda –

hi.  When I read your e-mail I felt like my heart was one with yours.  I felt your pain as you expressed your motherly heart and the aching pain you are in right now.  I know it only too well.   Somehow – for some reason, the only persons that ‘really understand’ the pain of abortion is one that has been through one.  It’s almost like watching child birth.  We, as women, think “ohh wow!  That does look very painful!”  We may know about our monthly cycle discomfort and have that to compare it to.  But only one that has given birth truly knows the agony of birth … then the joy that comes afterwards.  We are told about it … yet we can only imagine. The difficult thing about abortion is … you have to go through it to truly understand the brokenness that you experience … and then on top of that it is NOT talked about in opened circles.  So then you and I are left alone holding the broken pieces of our life and our heart.  Yearning for that baby that we will never get to hold. The father of the baby has it easy … for now.  But his hurt comes later.That’s not something you need to be concerned about.  Let’s concentrate on your heart, your loss and your healing.  OK? You have a safe environment to share your heart Amanda.  I know your pain … but I will tell you that I also know healing, freedom and forgiveness. Trust me, I’ve tried many things to escape my pain.  I tried drugs, alcohol, partying, relationships, promiscuity, bar hopping, dancing. I even tried Hollywood!  Nothing took away that pain.  Nothing took away that empty, painful spot deep within me.  It only pushed it deeper because there wasn’t anyone to talk to.  No one to share with that understood me. Then I met someone who knew everything that I did and still loved me.  As you may have read in my story (if you read it before or are saving it until later) I met Jesus Christ.  Not religion.  No not religion, but a relationship with the Almighty creator of the universe and the One and only One that knew my brokenness inside.  Who knew the hurting that I had and cared enough to want to help me make it better and to heal. All it took was a belief in Him, and that He was God in the flesh who was born of a virgin, lived a sinless life here on earth and died on the cross for my sins.  That means that He has risen and is alive today.  That’s all it took to begin my healing process.  I said a prayer of acceptance.  Asking Him into my heart and then He moved into my heart and changed my life.  Now I’m not talking about some metaphysical changes or something like that.  I’m just talking about the living God taking residence inside of me and making my life worth living! Then, this cancer of pain that I had inside of me, He began to work His miraculous surgery on my heart and cut out that pain.  Then He replaced it in my heart with a joy unspeakable.  You know, the pain of abortion is like a cancer.  It doesn’t go away, and on some days I had good days and others were excruciatingly painful.  Nothing I tried would mask the pain.  Then when He cut out the pain with His love and His tender forgiveness, I began to heal.  He showed me a road of healing and He brought women into my life that knew exactly what I was going through and we shared the healing experience together through a book called ‘Forgiven and Set Free’ written by Linda Cochran. It is the most amazing tool of healing that I have ever experienced.  It is the pain of the surgery, but you then begin to heal. The first step though Amanda, is accepting the free gift that God has to offer.  The saving love of Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. Amanda, I don’t share this with everyone on the site.  Just those girls that I feel a special bond with.  Those girls that I feel are just like me. Would you like me to share the prayer with you that I said when I accepted Jesus into my heart?  It’s kind of simple, but I’ll share it with you.  You wanna say it with me?  Here let’s try it together: “Dear Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross for my sins and then rising again from the dead.  I ask you today, please be my Lord, be my Savior and be my Friend.  I thank you Jesus that every one of my sins are forgiven.  Help me now to heal.  I thank you that I am now a child of God and that I am going to heaven.  It is in Jesus¡¦ name I pray this, Amen.” Woo hoo!  If you said that prayer, then congratulations.  You are now a child of God! If you were not able to say that prayer, that’s OK.  Maybe save this e-mail until later in case you’d like to look at it or say it later. In the meantime, I would love to encourage you to locate the book “Forgiven and Set Free” written by Linda Cochran on our site.  It will take you to Amazon . com so you don’t have to search everywhere for it.  Here is a link to it:  But also, I will copy 2 links to see if you can locate a nearby post abortion group.  Please let me know if you locate anything or if you said that prayer or if you have any questions, please contact me.  I’m only a keystroke away. Thank you for your e-mail.  Now here are the 2 sites I told you about.  Let’s check this one first; www.AbortionRecovery.org If not that one, then try this one: www.OptionLine.org Thank you again for your e-mail.  Please let me know how you are. 

Luv Lisa |