Surviving Single Motherhood

by | 2007 | Real Stories

We spent a lot of time together that month. It was as if I was getting my “attention fix” the way a junkie would from a line of cocaine. I soaked up all the attention Ryan was willing to give and enjoyed every moment of it. The end of this shallow relationship, however, was inevitable. […]
StandUpGirl girl sits against wall head down

We spent a lot of time together that month. It was as if I was getting my “attention fix” the way a junkie would from a line of cocaine. I soaked up all the attention Ryan was willing to give and enjoyed every moment of it.

The end of this shallow relationship, however, was inevitable. When it came, I did my best not to feel the sting of rejection. I finished out the semester’s classes and exams, but only with the help of my friend Captain Morgan. Together we made it through just fine.

We spent a lot of time together that month. It was as if I was getting my “attention fix” the way a junkie would from a line of cocaine. I soaked up all the attention Ryan was willing to give and enjoyed every moment of it.

The end of this shallow relationship, however, was inevitable. When it came, I did my best not to feel the sting of rejection. I finished out the semester’s classes and exams, but only with the help of my friend Captain Morgan. Together we made it through just fine.

After her finals, Kim came to my apartment to spend the weekend with me. The day before she arrived, I woke up feeling extremely nauseated. I had been out drinking the night before and assumed that a nasty hangover was to blame. As the day progressed I continued to feel worse. A nagging thought in the back of my mind began to surface: Am I pregnant? I looked at the calendar, trying to remember the date of my last period. I began to panic when I realized that it had been more than a month and a half since my last cycle. Thoughts raced through my mind and fear began to envelop me. I quickly decided that the thought of an unplanned pregnancy was too much for me to handle, so I ignored the possibility and went to work as if nothing was wrong.

The next day Kim arrived. I didn’t know how to share my predicament with her. She had always warned me about my ways with men, but she didn’t understand that I wasn’t just making bad choices; I was suffering from an addiction. Over the course of our friendship, we had shared many hurts with each other. I knew I could trust her, that I could always lean on her in a time of need. So I just poured out my dreadful situation to her. The news of my suspicions affected her deeply and we embraced. We cried together, then went to the store together to buy a pregnancy test.

On the way home, we stopped for lunch. As soon as we ordered our food I excused myself and hurried to the ladies’ room, unable to wait any longer to know the truth. I stood in the bathroom stall and watched with complete disbelief as the little plus sign gradually appeared. Desperation consumed me. Hot tears rolled down my flushed face.

As I returned to our table, I felt as if everything was happening in slow motion. I handed my test result to Kim and muttered, “I think we have a problem.” She glanced at the plastic stick, then looked up at me. “What will you do?” she asked with deep concern. “I don’t know,” I said as a feeling I can only describe as shock came over me.

When we got into the car to leave the restaurant, I pulled out my cigarettes. Kim, a nursing student, yelled at me. “Nicole! You can’t smoke now!” “Kim,” I replied intently, “if ever in my life I needed a cigarette, it’s right now!”

Before going to bed that evening, I closed my eyes and whispered, “Help me!” As I expressed that desperate plea for rescue, the Lord showed me something I will never forget. It began like a movie playing out in my mind, almost like a dream, though I was still awake.

 

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