I am 30-something, have an advanced degree, a great guy (not married but together for a long time), and recently got a new job which will start in 2 weeks.
4 days ago, I found out I was pregnant, which is something I have actually wanted for a long time, but not now…. I am on a roll-a-coaster ride at the moment, wanting to keep this baby and wanting to end the pregnancy. Mostly because I do have this new job and because maternity benefits in this country suck. The guy said he will support me no matter what I decide to do, will even move with me if that is what I want.
I don’t know what I want and I really wish someone could tell me this is normal.
I don’t want to sound hypocritical or judgmental, but I really have to get this out.
I really don’t see how or why girls that are as young as fourteen desire to have a baby. To be closer to their boyfriends? So that someone will love them unconditionally? I dont know if they realize that there are people that love them. It’s called FAMILY. I’m sure their families care even though at times they feel alone. That doesn’t mean they are.
Having a baby is not the only way to get close to someone you love, even though you’re far apart. A relationship should be based on trust and communication. It bothers me that girls assume that by having a baby, everything will be ok. Truth of the matter is, IT DOESN’T! It’s only going to make it worse. Guys nowadays tend to change their minds about things. It is a rarity that a guy will actually step up to the plate. I’m sorry to have to say this, but there aren’t many real men out there, All there are are little boys pretending; the world doesn’t revolve around them.
It makes me sad when I hear girls saying having a baby is like babysitting, that is totally the opposite! Having a baby means having responsibility twenty-four seven. Unlike babysitting, you can’t give it back! Someone is depending on you, whether you like it or not. Are you sure that you’re ready both mentally and physically? Dont you want to live your life as a normal young person? Do you want to give up having a normal life?
I’m a young mom myself. I’m only 19. And frankly, I miss going out and having fun. I don’t even talk to most of friends because I have a responsibility. Everyday I wake up and get ready for work in the morning, then when I get home, I take care of my daughter. There are so many sacrifices to be made when you have a child and I made very important one. I gave my parents legal guardianship of my daughter. It’s not like I had a choice. I had to do it in order for both of us. They don’t accept single parents in the air force and in order for me to enlist, I have to give up full custody and I can’t gain it back until I get married. I’ll be leaving soon and I don’t think I’ll be there on her first birthday, but like I said before, there are many sacrifices to be made.
Hey, as you see, me and my baby’s father aren’t together anymore.
Well, as I told you in my last entry, which was quite some time ago that my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me with this girl. Well, he’s got her pregnant, but what makes it worse is the fact I was still pregnant with his son!!. . .
Makes me feel like crap x
About a month after my 15th birthday, I found out I was pregnant. I had been with my 17-year-old boyfriend for about 7 months. I already knew I was pregnant before I took the test becuz he had told me that he wanted a baby. Me being young and dumb, I did it to make him happy.
I am now 17 years old, a couple months shy of my 18th birthday. I have a beautiful 21-month-old daughter named Lilyan. Sadly, I did not stay with her father. Soon after she was born, I found out he had been cheating on me with different girls the whole time we were together. He never calls to ask about her and hasn’t paid a penny since she was born.
When my daughter was 2 months old, I left him. He was in jail at the time and had been for three months. He was writing a 15-year-old girl in town and I found out. He got transported to a deportation jail in another state. The district attorney in my town was fed up with him and trying to get him deported back to Mexico. Sadly, it didn’t happen like that. His parents paid a good lawyer and he got out 7 months later. By then, my daughter was 9 months old and I had a new boyfriend.
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. He is currently overcoming a drug addiction. He has been clean for 5 months now. He hasn’t been clean for over 10 years so it’s a big deal. He is 24 years old. My daughter has been around him since she was 9 months and she loves him. He told me early on that he wanted to be daddy to her and so far, he has been. She calls him daddy, they are great together.
I found out about 4 weeks ago that I was pregnant again. My boyfriend was shocked. He found out the worst possible way. Everything was great with us. Until about 3 weeks ago, I heard from some friends in town that they had seen him with another girl, making out. I confronted him and he said he wasn’t happy. That was news to me.
He admitted that he had cheated. He said hiding our relationship was to stressful on him. Because he is in an intensive drug recovery program, his P.O. said he was to have no contact with me. We had been seeing each other behind the courts’ backs. Of course, we loved each other. They told him if we got caught together that he would loose his drug recovery program and go to jail for a year. So hiding our relationship with taking its toll on him. I think he just got a little scared.
That night he broke up with me, I was devastated. I knew I was pregnant, I just hadn’t told him yet. I was gonna take him to the coast and tell him. So I ended up telling him in tears right after he told me that he had kissed another girl. He was in shock. It took him a day to call me and apologize and say that he loved me. I’m the only girl he’s ever been around that has been clean off drugs. He turned himself in because of my daughter. So I know that he loves us.
So to this day, we are still hiding our relationship from everyone in town besides our family. We live in a small town. and he just got a job so he could support me and the baby, so we never get see each other. It’s hard, but we are making it threw this.
I am about 8 weeks along. I have a wonderful little girl and I’m 17. That’s my life. I never thought that’s how my life would be, but one thing I’m sure of is I’m glad this is how it happened. I wouldn’t change a thing.
I live on my own. I have my own apartment with my daughter. Two bedrooms. My parents don’t help, but I’ve never needed them before. I’ve done everything with the help of one person, my grandma. I dunno what I would do without her.
At the moment in my life, things are tough and I’ve been sad lately with not being able to see my boyfriend a lot, but overall, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I have one great little girl and now I’m blessed with another child.
What more could I ask for.
Well, where do I start? Maybe I’ll start by saying how badly I can’t wait to become a mother. Maybe I should start off by saying that maybe pregnancy isn’t meant for everyone. Or maybe I should start with saying that I’m less of a woman now,… and just as I’m regaining my spirit, it happens to me all over again. Or maybe I should start by blabbing off about how pregnancy and motherhood is what I used to want and dream for. Now…however…I’ve slowed down with EVERYTHING… Things have changed!
Lately, I haven’t been having sex or smoking weed….NOTHING! I’m healthy. I’ve been relaxed lately, not all stressed out, and just when I started thinking… “Hey, maybe I don’t need a baby right now…I realize that there’s a chance I might be expecting…again!” Well, I’ve lost two babies that I deliberately planned for (it was all out of spite, so “oh well”…). But…anyway, I guess my body didn’t want to coincide with my mental state of being, and everything I wanted just seemed as if it wasn’t meant to be. I LOST MY BABIES! I became really depressed and even went from being a very picky bi-sexual female to an all-out lesbian. I didn’t want anything to do with men.
Well, things happen and sometimes you meet people you never could even imagine existing. And everything does a 360. Trust me…I’m living proof. I intended on having a one-night stand with some guy I met one drunken day and out of nowhere…”KAZAAM” I found LOVE! Here goes nothing…long story short, we had sex for hours….LITERALLY! NO PROTECTION! He’s not a complete stranger NOW, because we’re in a well-comitted relationship (for about 1 month now), but he was that night! We recently had a lot of unprotected sex and I just know that I’m going to be pregnant. I don’t know how my parents are going to take it, but I know I hope this time what’s meant to be WILL be. I want a baby! SO bad……I wish they were on sale in Walmart. (LOL) I love kids….I want to be an Ob/Gyn one day! No joke.
But back to my story…he was locked for about 2 years and had been home for about 1 month when we met….which means HE’S REALLY FERTILE. I’ve changed my lifestyle too, and I’ve just got a little gut feelling…this time might be the one! PLEASE NOT AGAIN….JESUS DON’T ALLOW ME TO LET ANOTHER BABY DIE INSIDE OF ME!
LET THIS ONE BE THE ONE!
I don’t know what to title this yet. I guess I will do that at the end, being I have no clue as to what I am even going to write about. It’s certainly not that I don’t have anything to say. Rather, probably too much to say and I don’t even know where to begin.
I am so sick and tired, literally, in every sense of the phrase. I have never in my life been so sick. I am sure it’s a combination of my heart condition and being pregnant, but I can’t take this much longer. My ex-husband went out of town this week, and it is my kid’s first week of school, and my son has football practice, which thankfully they cut to three days a week rather than 5. On top of that, it was supposed to be my second week of school, and I haven’t gone to one class yet. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to, but last week, I was in the hospital and this week, my ex went out of town and there is no aftercare at school, being it’s the first week, so I have to make sure I am at the school right on time. Of course, I don’t mind going to get my kids from school. Actually, I am happy I get the week to myself with them, but of course he is being a jerk, for who knows what reason this week.
Anyhow, I guess that’s neither here nor there, and am getting off track. My point is, I am so sick. Not one of my other pregnancies have ever gotten me this sick. I get up and am literally spinning, feeling faint, throwing up, and am exhausted even after 12 hours sleep. I am losing weight, which I am sure I will make up for at some point, but can’t seem to keep anything down. This morning, I was trying to make lunch for the kids, and the sandwich meat made me puke.
My boyfriend went away to a family reunion in Texas this past weekend. He called me everyday, “to make sure I was OK”. What in the world am I supposed to tell him, “Oh I am feeling just fantastic and all the wonderful things you say really make me feel just great too?” No! I don’t think so, I am absolutely, probably the most miserable person alive right now. I feel like crap, and unless you’re drunk, you say the most stupid crap to me. I am sick and tired of that too (guess I found my title).
Memorial Day, he calls me, in the day, and he asked how I was. I told him the truth, followed by saying that I really wish I wasn’t pregnant, cuz I have never been so sick. He has the nerve to say to me “you’re not the only one who wishes you weren’t pregnant. There’s a few people who wish you weren’t”. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH I swear it’s a good thing he wasn’t here. I quickly ended the conversation shortly there after a few more things were said, but did so with grace considering the situation, being careful not to add fuel to the fire.
He then calls me at night, sweet as can be…. There has to be something up, of course, he’s dunk. Not completely wasted where to I can’t understand a word he is saying, but enough that I can tell, and enough so that he tells me. I don’t really have a problem with it, I am not there, and maybe this will relieve some stress for him and he can take this time away, drinking or not, to think. He always used to call me “baby girl” which he did that night, but caught himself, so it was followed by, well you are my baby’s girl. Whatever, lol. I don’t get why he has to pretend to be something he is not. Why he has to be so angry, and have this wall up around him. But I didn’t say anything about it, and won’t. I find the more I keep my mouth shut, well at least about anything bad, the better he is. If I let him know its OK to be experiencing mixed emotions and to feel scared, confused, whatever, the better things become between him and I, he is nicer, and opens up more. He’s opened up a bit, and has been calling me a lot and seems really concerned about me now. I am very happy for that.
Today, he is going to come over. I am sure nothing extraordinary will happen, but it will be nice to see him. I am looking forward to that. I love him. He is very special to me, and I wish he could see that in himself. That he is a good person with a lot to give the world around him, especially me and his baby. I know he is fearful that he will screw up this kid’s life, but as a mother, I will not let that happen. But besides me not letting him, he won’t, not if he can just see what I see in him. Maybe that will never happen. I don’t know, no one knows, I am sure, not even him. This has all been a battle, but one worth fighting, for him, me and our baby, and certainly one I will not give up on.
Well, before I puke all over myself for the, literally 5th time today, I better go….. All I can do is keep fighting, keep taking it day by day, and keep going. Even though I feel like my world is coming to an end at times, and I feel like just giving up and that my life is over, I have to realize it is not. Rather, it is just the beginning, of a whole new world, and that world is going to contain what I make of it, and for that alone, I refuse to give up…….
